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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want a day off from my baby

69 replies

BeanJen · 15/06/2018 14:15

I'm a full time SAHM and I feel very privileged to be in this position. I love being a mum it's the best thing ever. My DD is 10 months old and I've never been away from her for longer than 2 hours during the day and I've been out on an evening a grand total of three times (all family occasions no drunk nights or time with friends and nothing at all before she was 7 months old) That's not a complaint either that's just how it is.
My DH works away 4 days a week and has three days at home (1 of which he works during). He does work hard and his business is stressful. I understand that he needs some down time when he's at home. He goes to the gym every day he is here and most of the time I don't batt an eyelid when he goes off to do his own thing. We had a bit of an argument this morning and I really need to know if I'm in the wrong:
He's out most of the day today because he's decided to work from the gym cafe (no problem) we're busy doing family stuff on Sunday for Father's Day, and I really want a day off tomorrow (Saturday). He offered to take her for a walk and a drink in the morning but I really want more significant time. He wants to go shopping on his own in the afternoon (he doesn't need anything specific he just likes buying himself clothes) and seemed to think I was being unreasonable because I reacted like I was disappointed. I'm just genuinely a bit gutted. She isn't breast feeding any more, she eats three meals a day and is generally a very good baby. She's 10 months old and I haven't had a single day off. Is it wrong of me to expect a bit more help from my husband who works? He's also going to Miami on a stag do so won't be home at all next weekend. I'm really tired being a 24h mum is draining and I need a break. I do all the cooking and cleaning and washing, I prepare everything for my daughter and do all the night feeds. I really don't feel like I'm asking the earth.

OP posts:
Tonkerbea · 15/06/2018 14:49

I got angry on your behalf too- of course you deserve a day off, and more!

He's not considering your needs at all it seems. Just his.

His time in the gym
His time to go shopping
His weekend in Miami

I couldn't respect someone who sounds so selfish.

Loopytiles · 15/06/2018 14:49

You’re not in a “privileged” position you’re in a financially vulnerable one. You have taken a big financial risk with respect to your personal earnings, and as your H is self employed he could easily find ways around paying spousal maintenance in the event that your relationship breaks down.

gillybeanz · 15/06/2018 14:49

Sounds like he has a live in nanny and skivvy, these are the type that have mistresses too.
How can you be with such a selfish twat.

SparklySeashell · 15/06/2018 14:50

YANBU AT ALL!! He lives in London 3 days a week, goes to the gym daily and is going to Miami for a stag do, you've not had more than a couple of hours off in 10 months.

Ridiculous levels of unfairness. He's living the bloody dream!

Please absolutely insist on more time for yourself OP!

SleepingStandingUp · 15/06/2018 14:50

KneesupGastonhave you spoken to your partner?

I don't understand all these men who think life carries on as normal

Boozt · 15/06/2018 14:53

It's also really important to give him and the baby extended time together so that he can learn to be a father. I don't think women just magically know how to look after babies, we learn by doing it. And because we tend do more at least in the beginning, we get better at it, which allows the father in some cases to say 'Oh you're just better at it' (while thinking that this is due to our magical feminine nurturing powers) and leaves them with no confidence in their ability to look after their own children, so they feel that you must 'rescue' them at the slightest hiccup. And when the children get older they are so used to their father being useless that they only want their mother and never bother going to their father / complain if he does try to get involved.

It's a vicious circle and you have to take action to break it as soon as possible or the situation will only get worse and worse and worse.

Emmasmum2013 · 15/06/2018 14:53

Your DH is being really selfish and he doesn't understand how hard it is to permanently look after a child. When I was at home with my DD, it was literally the hardest job I've ever done. You're constantly doing something, be it housework or baby things. You never get a lie in. Weekends are an illusion because they're the same as every other fecking day. And you're permanently "on-call" in the night.

It is not easy so don't assume for one minute that his "stressful" job is an excuse for you to not have a break.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that you need a day off. A proper full day. Everyone needs this! It should be a basic human right.

KingLooieCatz · 15/06/2018 14:54

Needs nipping in the bud.

He can't have it both ways, can he? If he reckons you have an easy life at home with the baby then he'll have a lovely, chilled out Saturday relaxing with the baby, just like you normally do, while you do something else.

If spending the day with the baby is too taxing for him, he has to acknowledge it is also taxing for you and high time he gave you a break.

He's got the life of Riley.

PoisonousSmurf · 15/06/2018 14:56

Problem is, is that the OP is too good. She is running the home and being supportive of her husband's work and hobbies and turning herself into a doormat.
On Saturday, go out and don't return until evening. He'll have to suck it up and take his daughter shopping!
Remind him that he's going off to a party next week.
If he moans, then you have a problem on your hands, as he will be and entitled twat!

Charolais · 15/06/2018 14:58

When my youngest was a baby my husband traveled a lot for work, sometimes gone all week. I needed a break from baby and so I would drop him off at the local daycare center for two hours a few times a week, starting when he was 12 months old. It was bliss. PURE BLISS.

He was still breastfed so I couldn't leave him long.

DuchyDuke · 15/06/2018 15:01

I think it’s time he started pulling his weight. Working away isn’t any excuse if that money isn’t then filtering down to make your life easier.

Spaghettijumper · 15/06/2018 15:02

As KingLooie says, either looking after the baby is easy, in which case he can do it no problem, or it's very hard, in which case you definitely need a break from it. He can't say that it's easy for you but hard for him because that's nonsense. You aren't a prisoner who has to beg for time out of the house, he's your partner who should be sharing the parenting load. It sounds like he isn't actually that bothered about being a father.

MrsMozart · 15/06/2018 15:02

Ditto the just go out.

Does he 'ask your permission' to go to the gym, etc?

arethereanyleftatall · 15/06/2018 15:02

Hrft as I need to go on school run, and I'm sure everyone has already said this...

But for goodness sake, this is obviously absolutely ridiculous. Equal downtime. That's EQUAL. If he goes to the gym every day, then you go and do what you want for the equivalent time each day. If he has a weekend off, then you have a weekend off.

How bloody dare he.

CoffeeIsNotEnough · 15/06/2018 15:04

He sounds extremely selfish.

My husband works long hours and works away a lot, always has done, and that could only stop for about a month around the birth of our children. This never stopped him doing his share when he was here.

He has always had a fabulous bond with them as he was so involved, despite only being here so little of the time when they were very small. It's an investment in his future relationship with his child, as well as with you.

StepBackNow · 15/06/2018 15:06

Don't ask him. Tell him.

TeachesOfPeaches · 15/06/2018 15:07

Not sure why you feel privileged OP. Sounds very lonely.

BeanJen · 15/06/2018 15:08

Thanks all. I have said many times to myself 'I didn't marry an unselfish man'. I really didn't. I've never been under the illusion that he would help me with the housework or give up his hobbies and I chose to be with him regardless. I don't know anyone that married a saint and I at least knew what I was letting myself in for and he of course has many good qualities. I'm glad you all generally agree with me. From the sounds of your responses a lot of you are more forceful with your partners than I am. I will try to take your adviceSmile

OP posts:
BeanJen · 15/06/2018 15:10

@TeachesOfPeaches I get to spend every day with my beautiful daughter and we can afford for me not to work. That seems privileged to me.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 15/06/2018 15:11

Saturday do this
Just get your bag, turn your phone off, grab your car keys and go

Or when he takes baby put then you go out in the other direction to town and let him know you won't be back til.4 pm . He can go shopping then. Just leave him to it.

TeachesOfPeaches · 15/06/2018 15:13

Yes you spend literally every single hour of your day and night with your daughter - sounds suffocating.

Spaghettijumper · 15/06/2018 15:14

You 'knew what you were letting yourself in for'?? Wow.

gillybeanz · 15/06/2018 15:22

Wow, your housework?
I was sahm for 25 years and it was never my housework, nor my childcare.
You need to wise up OP, or he'll treat you like shit forever, and you are worth more.
Start putting yourself first, this is your life, it's not a dress rehearsal.

Purplepjs · 15/06/2018 15:22

I think you need to sit and have a calm chat with him about the demands of your role and your need/right to equal downtime to him. It is absolutely right that you should both have time and space to enjoy your own interests, even if that’s simply reading a book in a coffee shop. It also occurred to me that if he is away for half the week, presumably he has long evenings after work on his own. Could he shift his gym membership to there so he goes while he’s away and is therefore more available to you when he’s home? Would give you two some more time together?

Cath2907 · 15/06/2018 15:25

He can take the baby shopping like many parents do on the weekend. Problem solved!

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