To want a day off from my baby

[BeanJen]

I'm a full time SAHM and I feel very privileged to be in this position. I love being a mum it's the best thing ever. My DD is 10 months old and I've never been away from her for longer than 2 hours during the day and I've been out on an evening a grand total of three times (all family occasions no drunk nights or time with friends and nothing at all before she was 7 months old) That's not a complaint either that's just how it is.
My DH works away 4 days a week and has three days at home (1 of which he works during). He does work hard and his business is stressful. I understand that he needs some down time when he's at home. He goes to the gym every day he is here and most of the time I don't batt an eyelid when he goes off to do his own thing. We had a bit of an argument this morning and I really need to know if I'm in the wrong:
He's out most of the day today because he's decided to work from the gym cafe (no problem) we're busy doing family stuff on Sunday for Father's Day, and I really want a day off tomorrow (Saturday). He offered to take her for a walk and a drink in the morning but I really want more significant time. He wants to go shopping on his own in the afternoon (he doesn't need anything specific he just likes buying himself clothes) and seemed to think I was being unreasonable because I reacted like I was disappointed. I'm just genuinely a bit gutted. She isn't breast feeding any more, she eats three meals a day and is generally a very good baby. She's 10 months old and I haven't had a single day off. Is it wrong of me to expect a bit more help from my husband who works? He's also going to Miami on a stag do so won't be home at all next weekend. I'm really tired being a 24h mum is draining and I need a break. I do all the cooking and cleaning and washing, I prepare everything for my daughter and do all the night feeds. I really don't feel like I'm asking the earth.

I'm really tired being a 24h mum is draining and I need a break

Have you said this to him, firmly, in these words?

@Purplepjs that's a good idea but he works very long hours when he's away. Morning to late evening most of the time. I think part of the issue is I spend a lot of time with my family during the week- my grandparents have dimentia and my sister isn't in great shape so I tend to go see them a lot. And we go out to nice cafes and stuff. And I send him videos of baby groups I go to and stuff where I get to watch DD having a nice time with other babies. It's not a bad life at all. I think my husband things I'm generally on holiday doing nice things.
I don't have any issue doing the house stuff I'm sorry I'm giving the impression of being a doormat but I'm very house proud and really don't mind having responsibility for the general chores.
The only thing I want him to do more of is take DD off my hands a little more. I would end up cleaning or working on the garden anyway I don't have a lot of friends and if I'm with my family I may as well take my baby!

But to clarify cleaning or gardening does feel like a proper break when you have a demanding 10 month old! :)

@TheFirstMrsOsmond I have told him I need a break. He thinks a break is an hour or two. This is our biggest problem.

I would end up cleaning or working on the garden anyway I don't have a lot of friends
Then get a hobby or make some frIends

And as well as you needing a break, he needs to bond with and look after his child.

Go out tomorrow, tell him you'll be back in time for dinner, which he can start

He thinks a break is an hour or two then this is all he needs in the week. Glad he's happy to cut all his non work down to 2 hours a week!

Go out for the whole day tomorrow. Don’t ask permission, just state calmly that you are going out and will be back by x time.

If he is away all next weekend then you should go away for a whole weekend soon, even if it’s just booking yourself into a hotel for weekend to catch up on sleep.

You need to draw a line in the sand now. Being the default parent is utterly exhausting and honestly the older they get the harder it becomes.

Another idea, which I did when my dh behaved like this, was to leave ds with a childminder just for 3 hours once a week. It was a lifesaver for me - time to get my hair cut, go shopping, have coffee and read a book. And it helped dh get the message that I needed a break .

You’re really not “privileged”, unless you have assets and / or plan to return to WOH you’re financially dependent on someone who is selfish.

It’s not “forceful” to seek equality and for your partner to be a half decent partner and parent. Sad that you had DC thinking that you had to “suck it up”.

It’s one thing having a relationship with someone who puts himself first in how he spends his time when you have no DC, when your time too is your own to do whatever you decide to do. Something else entirely when, when he does what he chooses, you are in sole charge of a baby 24/7.

A man who can’t or won’t independently care for his baby for a day is failing at parenting.

^^ Towers suggestion.

When my DH stopped working we kepted sending DD to the childminder for six hours on a Friday whilst we could afford it. DH got a break and was able to attend the mosque, which he is unable to do with a toddler in tow.

Now he has a better gym membership £57 per month which includes 2hrs creche per day, Mon - Fri. It benefits them both as DD isn't at nursery and doesn't get many opportunities to play with other kids. Although they haven't been going recently.

Could you use the flat one weekend? Go to London with friend/family member and enjoy a couple of nights away. See a show. Go to the hampton court flower show maybe. www.rhs.org.uk/shows-events/rhs-hampton-court-palace-flower-show/about-the-rhs-hampton-court-palace-flower-show

Two hours is sod all.

You're privileged according to the whims of a selfish man. Very precarious.

Do you ever pop down to London to surprise him?

Not at all U

Childcare is a really good idea in the short term, but won’t solve the core problem.

Op, you seem to have resigned yourself to being second fiddle in this partnership. Why do you think your husband is more worthy than you?

There are many many women on mn (and thus in life), whose stance is maternity leave is about looking after the baby. Chores are to be split once the wohp is home.

I think the bigger problem then your husband being a selfish prat is that it doesn't sound like he actually enjoys spending quality time with your child.

Don't ask him to take her just tell him he's taking her for a day and evening!

Surely if you only need 1 or 2 hours, he only needs 1 or 2 hours?? Or are you some sort of robot that doesn't get tired?

I don't need to be firm with my husband, he wholeheartedly does his bit and makes sure I get time to myself.

I know no one is perfect, I'm not saying my DH is and yours is a twat, but the fact he can't put you first is really sad.

I find threads like this so sad. If he doesn't step up, he's going to end up with an exhausted and resentful wife and a child he hasn't much of a bond with. Being a parent is a massive privilege. Not everyone gets to experience it. I had one parent who was similar to this and believe me it has an effect on your self-worth. Children need to see they can rely on both parents and that both parents like them and want to spend time with them.

He really needs to step up for his own sake. Of course you need and deserve a break. A proper one.