Do you ever say yes to things you don’t ever intend to attend?

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Aibu to ask and try and understand?

I recently went to a party and was chatting to the host who had said that a little under half of the people who said they’d attend showed up, many without putting in their apologies. Including the person I’d discussed attending with who’d pulled out a few hours earlier for reasons they ought to have foreseen when they agreed to come.

Aibu to think some people say yes to things never actually intending to follow through? Or is it true that things always come up but coincidentally for some people things come up more often than others?

I’m just curious really - no judgement- as I’m someone who rarely says a firm yes to things but when I do very rarely pull out and am trying to better understand other people before ranting any more in my head.

I don't but other people I know do this all the time.

Generally they say yes and then back out when a better offer comes along.

It's very rude.

Yep. I do this. Trying to do it less as I'm, y'know, supposed to be a grown up. Sometimes it's good intentions at the time. Perhaps it's "Britishness". But often it's because people won't f*king accept "no" as an answer and an excuse after the event is loads easier than the irritating back and forth of "oh why not?" "But you'll enjoy it because x" "Oh go oooooon". I've also caught myself doing just that.

It's a really nasty thing to do and really hurts the host, never mind costing time, money and creating waste. Be honest, disappointment hurts and reduces trust. Learn to say no in the first place.

I drove 2hrs to meet a friend at an event last weekend. My DP decided to come along too. When we arrived, we found out my friend wasn't coming. I was completely unfazed (knew I'd happily go to the event on my own anyway), but my DP was clearly annoyed (briefly, and then the event was good so cheered up).

No. If I can't make it I'll say why, if I don't want to make it I'll lie about it.

I know someone who does this. She isn’t a mean person I think she just does it to avoid saying no to the invitation in the first place. She will pull out last minute with a tummy ache, head ache or something like that.

I try not to but still slip up sometimes.

I think I do it because I want to go, and be fun and part of whatever is going on, but then I realise I can't for whatever reason, and then I hate having to let someone down so I burry my head in the sand and don't admit that I can't make it.

I know, I'm ridiculous.

I would never do it, it’s so rude! Two couples did this at my wedding, it’s rude and cost us a lot of money, i don’t understand why people would purposely say yes and then not attend.

I don't do it. But I do agree with previous poster who says sometimes it is really difficult saying no to people.

I should maybe try a new approach of saying yes but not turning up, then people will stop asking me.

Sort of. I say "yes" to things, then as they closer I worry and worry and then wish I'd said no but force myself along out of a sense of duty. I always end up enjoying myself, it's the mild anxiety that spoils the build up.

I always tell myself "never say yes to anything in the future that you wouldn't want to do right now" but I just say "yes" to everything

Meh. I don't think it's that ridiculous. Sometimes my "better offer" is my sofa.

I think it depends on the event. I missed a friends huge 30th do - they had no idea. Similarly, I asked two friends of mine if they'd enjoyed a particular part of my wedding.... they had to confess they didn't come (had been invited, had rsvp'd "yes", no I wasn't annoyed).

Another friend arranged his birthday celebration in a city 3hrs away and only three couples attended - lots of drop outs in the 24hrs before. The moaning about who had pulled out did leave us thinking "errr, hello, we're here. Are we not good enough?".

Peer pressure as well! Organising hen doo events - "yeah, I should be able to make that date" on the group message = don't want to be negative, but there's a slim chance of attendance.

I've become much better as I've got older at saying no to things that I really don't want to do, and being honest about it. A group of friends talked about going to a comedy club recently and it's really not my thing. I don't find stand up funny and I don't want to sit there, either "fake" laughing at all the jokes or looking like a misery! So I just said "have fun, it's not my thing so won't be going". But in years gone by I probably would have felt awkward saying no, probably said yes, then feigned some illness on the night!

Yeah do it sometimes, because its socially unacceptable to just say 'no I dont want to come to your birthday party' and too difficult to think of a good fake excuse on the spot, if I do think of one you normally get oh the kids/Dh/Dogs can come too or it doesnt matter if you dont come untill later or you can leave early if you need to
So its just easier if someone mentions their event to me in person to respond with 'yeah I'd love to', then I think of an excuse to give at a later date and along with an apology.

For an informal party (anything more than about 12 people) I'd always expect a few no shows. I certainly wouldn't get wound up about it.

For a wedding it's an ABSOLUTE no. Many couples have lots of people they'd love to invite but simply can't stretch to, so it's horribly inconsiderate to have a space at the table which goes unused.

I have a friend who's a bit of a flake, and RSVP'd in the affirmative for my wedding for her and her partner, then showed up alone at about 10pm. It was just annoying because I'd specifically got vegan food in for her and there was a big awkward gap at the table where they were supposed to be. Obviously it didn't impact our friendship or change my view of her or anything like that, but people should know that a wedding isn't generally a casual buffet affair. I don't think she realises.

I think lots of people do this. My dh and me have a particularly flaky friend who instigates plans to get together....then cancels last minute. It's so obvious he just can't be bothered/something better came up.
Dh says he does it with everyone.

Oh, going clubbing! It's only been the past couple of years I've finally been able that have the strength to say "no" when people want to move on to a club. (I mean no to me going, not them!). A very dear friend of mine will properly plead and beg and it really does make me feel quite awful when she does it 😖 But I told a friend-of-a-friend who had me by the arm, going on with the list of reasons why I should go with them rather than go home to F&ck.Right.Off and it felt gooood.

In years gone by, I'd go along then sneak away from the queue. Or even go in, go to the loo, then straight back out, texting an apology on the way home. I'm bloody glad that's over.

Depends....

Something like a party that someone has gone to a lot of effort to attend I always RSVP with an honest answer, so if I can't go I will say so (just turned down a christening invitation last night)

But if it's something like a meal type get together with the girls or family and I don't really want to go I say yes then decline on the day.

The reason is that from past experience if I say no up front I just get lots of grief, it's really not worth it! I used to travel a lot related to work, on the odd days at home I couldn't really be bothered to go out for a meal (when I've spent maybe 3/4 nights per week eating out in hotels already!) and frankly, I wanted to spend my limited time at home with DH and DS. But my friends and family who have never had to travel for their jobs just didn't understand and I'd get constant earache about "it's just this once".

Actually reading some of these other posts there's a common theme - why is it that increasingly hosts and party organisers seem incapable of just accepting "no" as an answer??!!

Yep. I do this. Trying to do it less as I'm, y'know, supposed to be a grown up.

^You sounds like a 12 year old.

i do but will always inform the person way before the event with my reasons. i suffer with anxiety so most of the time, events are daunting and nothing personal to the organizer

So interesting.

I have had so many things I’ve looked forward to fall over recently on the day as people have pulled out and it’s always so disappointing if I’m feeling otherwise low

I often fully intend to go to an event and then have a panic attack an hour before and pull out.

For me it’s because I am unrealistic about what’s possible. I always want to go so say yes but then work, family demands creep up and I can’t. I don’t say no because I want to at least try to have a social life!

I hate flakiness. You either are or are not coming. I don’t mind if people change their minds as long as they let me know in advance. Telling me you’ll let me know then having me ask you oh the day, only to be told you’ve got a better offer, is a really crappy thing to do.