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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you ever say yes to things you don’t ever intend to attend?

51 replies

OlderBook · 15/06/2018 13:24

Aibu to ask and try and understand?

I recently went to a party and was chatting to the host who had said that a little under half of the people who said they’d attend showed up, many without putting in their apologies. Including the person I’d discussed attending with who’d pulled out a few hours earlier for reasons they ought to have foreseen when they agreed to come.

Aibu to think some people say yes to things never actually intending to follow through? Or is it true that things always come up but coincidentally for some people things come up more often than others?

I’m just curious really - no judgement- as I’m someone who rarely says a firm yes to things but when I do very rarely pull out and am trying to better understand other people before ranting any more in my head.

OP posts:
Octopeppa · 15/06/2018 23:51

I always say I have to check the date to see if I'm free. Then if say yes, I'll be there.

busybarbara · 15/06/2018 23:54

Life gets in the way sometimes. You should always plan events as if a certain number won't turn up. Health both mental and physical, kids, periods and all sorts can quickly throw a plan out of order and i will look very suspiciously at anyone who has NEVER done this as they must be a robot or a witch or something

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 15/06/2018 23:58

I often agree to random ideas then they never materialise or other things get in the way. But my friendship group is all the same. If its proper plans with a set date etc, then we won't agree without checking.

But yes, I've found this with children's parties especially. Though the converse happens then often, in that people who don't respond do show up.

Haudyerwheesht · 16/06/2018 00:01

I don’t never intend to go but I often have it in my head that I don’t have to? I really try to always go though but I get very very nervous about going out at night in unfamiliar places for example - never used to.

MinnieMinchkin · 16/06/2018 00:02

I rarely drop out of something formally arranged, but in the case of meeting for drinks or something casual like that I might see how I feel on the evening.

I have a number of friends who over-estimate their ability to be in three places at once. They are almost invariably late and don't understand why. It's because they are so enthusiastic and driven that they want to do everything and fail to see the limitations (like accounting for travelling time between venues).

On the other hand, I'm more likely to find reasons why I can't do things and end up missing out. There must be a better, more balanced, way!

BackforGood · 16/06/2018 00:04

No. I don't understand that either.
If I can't or don't want to go, then I say so in the first place - it means people can ask someone else, or cater for fewer people or whatever suits.
Not to say things never change, or something unavoidable turns up, but I'd never say I was going to something I had no intention of going to. It's just rude, and unkind.

emmyrose2000 · 16/06/2018 01:37

If I say I'll be there, I'll be there. It's incredibly rude and self centred to do otherwise.

If I don't want to go, I'll say so when the invitation is issued/plans are being made, so the organiser can proceed accordingly.

possumgoddess · 16/06/2018 05:43

Worse than that - have you ever turned up to something you have been invited to and found that it isn't going ahead? I was invited to a barbecue years ago, I suffer from social anxiety and hate doing the wrong thing so I specifically asked what would happen if it rained to be told it was fine, the party would just move inside. On the day it was a bit grey and drizzly but I made the effort to get a taxi across town (it would have been a 3 bus journey) and turn up to find the house empty, the host had decided not to go ahead and had gone out. Very embarassing!

MissionItsPossible · 16/06/2018 05:56

I’m afraid this is my speciality 🙊🙈

Do you ever say yes to things you don’t ever intend to attend?
deptfordgirl · 16/06/2018 06:08

I know someone who does this. She's part of my nct group so is invited to a lot of get togethers, birthday parties, etc. She always says yes to them on the group chat but I always know she won't come. Almost every time she pulls out on the day, often sending a message while everyone is at the meeting. She even agreed to a 6 week baby sensory course at someone's house and only went to the first one so didn't pay.

Strugglingtodomybest · 16/06/2018 06:13

I used to do this when I was younger, although never for formal occasions such as weddings, more just for nights out in town. And I would never have done it just because I got a better offer, that's the height of rudeness in my book.

As others have said, I just didn't know how to say no. I have been a terrible people pleaser in my past, but I have really put some work into this, so that I am now able to just give an honest, no, sorry, it's not my thing (or whatever).

Kolo · 16/06/2018 06:28

I say at the time of invitation whether I can/want to go. If I’ve accepted an invitation, I’ll do whatever I can to keep to that. Sometimes things get in the way (I’ve had to pull out of a couple of things this year because of illness/injury), but I know their are serial no-show friends and I find it so rude.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/06/2018 06:29

I used to always be late when I was younger as I had poor time management. No show? No way. Very rude. My brother and his wife are particularly good at organising stuff with us and then not following through (we are now nc). I once discussed it with my mother. The only time she ever said a bad word about my brother and a good word about me is on acknowledging that the difference between him and me is that I do what i say I’m going to do. I learnt to be as I am today because I realise the affect not keeping my promises can do to a child. I find it upsetting when people don’t do what they say and don’t apologise / let me know because it brings back terrible childhood insecurities.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/06/2018 06:31

Possumgoddess.
How rude. You should not have felt embarrassed - I do understand why. But the feelings are misplaced. It is they, who should feel this, not you.

possumgoddess · 16/06/2018 06:50

It's my social anxiety that made me embarrassed, I feel I should have realized that she would cancel if it was raining (it was drizzling). The worst thing was that I was really broke at the time and the taxi fare was £8.00, about 15 years ago. I got a taxi because I was worried about being late, another symptom of my social anxiety! Needless to say I got the bus (buses - 3 of them) home!

adaline · 16/06/2018 06:56

I used to feel a bit like this. A lot of it was social anxiety (diagnosed, before someone jumps on me saying it's an excuse) and wanting to go out, but getting so worried about it going wrong that cancelling was far less stressful.

I also have a few colleagues who just won't accept no for an answer. They insist on all these group nights out and fun events and I'd rather just go home at the end of the day!

Ozgirl75 · 16/06/2018 08:15

Ove the past couple of years I’ve got surprisingly good at saying “I don’t really enjoy ......(outdoor drinks functions, an Adele concert, a sporting event)” so I’ll pass on that invitation, but thanks for thinking of me” and it’s amazing that people just go “oh ok, fair enough” whereas in th past I would try to come up with a proper excuse and then people would try to solve the problem.

ForalltheSaints · 16/06/2018 08:19

If I don't want to go I may make a flimsy or vague reason why not, but always decline, and usually well in advance. I am not a person who wants to socialise with work colleagues after work, not out of any social embarrassment, but as part of the way I seek to separate work and home life. Other than a couple with whom we have similar musical interests, sport is the only non-work common thing. So I only go to a few- work colleagues who have been very good to work with or very helpful to me, for example.

speakout · 16/06/2018 08:19

I have no problem saying no.

I dislike most social events- parties are the worst, so I would always say no upfront.
It's rude to say yes and not turn up.

Emmageddon · 16/06/2018 08:24

I think it's rude to accept an invitation and then not turn up.

Obviously if it's a casual Friday night drinks after work the it's a bit different.

JaceLancs · 16/06/2018 08:26

I only accept invites if I think I can go - sometimes will say maybe - followed by when do you need to know by
I don’t have a problem with saying no - but find it doesn’t go down well unless there’s a non negotiable reason such as being on holiday
Very occasionally I have to cancel things at last minute, for all sorts of reasons, not well, too tired, can’t afford, pressing work deadline - but I always let people know
I think it’s really rude just to not turn up

BeyondThePage · 16/06/2018 08:27

Ozgirl75 - I am the same

"It is not my thing, sorry - but thank you for thinking of me" - is my go-to response.

People take it as a no - without argument, AND you have made them feel good about asking.

win-win.

Belindabauer · 16/06/2018 11:13

Beyond the page - that's the best response.

KneesupGaston · 16/06/2018 11:32

No, I stopped a few years ago and just started saying I can't be arsed going to that. Still rude but at least I don't get anyone's hopes up and then make them hate me by pretending to be sick so I don't have to go.

musicposy · 16/06/2018 11:38

No, I say yes and end up going to things I don't want to, particularly if it's family and I don't want to upset them.

I wish I could find a way out without offending people. But as PPs have said, sometimes when you say no you are faced with a barrage of persuasion at best, and outright upset at worst.