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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be quite put out with DH family

61 replies

alwayssunnyinsouthhampton · 15/06/2018 10:16

My DS turned three last week, we told everyone (in advance) we would be at home all day so the family could come round to see him throughout the day but a couple of days before his GN dropped his present off with DH sibling so she didn't have to worry about visiting she lives less than 10 minutes away, DH parents rang that morning to say they had also dropped a present off with sibling as "they were too busy" and his GA didn't even reply and I know she saw it. They all live very close by so travel is not an issue.
I know he won't remember but this isn't the first time its happened. They didn't bother to see my DH on his birthday for the last couple of years and you can forget about them seeing me they tend to drop presents at the back door and run.
My side, on the other hand, has always been very close we all make an effort to spend time together.
AIBU to just not bother anymore? I doubt they would even notice unless they want something from DH

OP posts:

BottleOfJameson · 15/06/2018 10:22

it's disappointing but I can imagine since there wasn't a particular birthday party planned they probably felt it wasn't that much of a big deal. My family isn't huge on birthdays but would definitely come if I'd arranged something specific.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 15/06/2018 10:23

Maybe they thought your friends /family would be visiting and didn't want to intrude?
Or maybe they are just twats??
Either way stop being the one who makes all the effort. Your ds will manage more than fine without seeing a lot of gps.
Or any in actual fact as my dc have none!

RedSkyAtNight · 15/06/2018 10:25

How are they the rest of the time? If they see DC lots, I don't think it matters they didn't come and see him on his "actual birthday".
And I wouldn't expect them to come and see an adult just because it was their birthday ...

Original poster

alwayssunnyinsouthhampton · 15/06/2018 10:25

there was party food but surely that isn't the point, he was really looking forward to seeing them, how do you explain to a three-year-old his grandparents and other family members don't care enough to come to see him?

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 15/06/2018 10:26

I wouldn't lose any sleep over it tbh

Looneytune253 · 15/06/2018 10:27

Maybe it’s the lack of a defined time? They assume it’s not a party as such. I have a tea party with an approximate time for my kids bdays and everyone pops along that matters.

gracielacey · 15/06/2018 10:29

Clearly they're not the sort of people who feel comfortable just "dropping in".

I would chalk it up to experience, and next time issue proper invitations to a party at a certain time, rather than just expecting people to turn up.

Abandoned · 15/06/2018 10:29

Why don't you refer to them as your ILs? Also what does GA & GN mean? Great Aunt & Uncle?

Original poster

alwayssunnyinsouthhampton · 15/06/2018 10:30

they don't usually bother unless DH phones/ makes an effort, he has three siblings and DP seems to spend all their time with the youngest one. DH does get quite annoyed about it. We moved late last year literally closer to them, they even have to drive past us to take nephews to school and they still haven't seen it. When we moved they popped a card in the door before we arrived so they didn't have to help whereas my family took the day off to help us move. I think its more that I am used to my family so to see a family just not bother is extremely weird to me.

OP posts:

o0o0o · 15/06/2018 10:34

how do you explain to a three-year-old his grandparents and other family members don't care enough to come to see him?

you don't. You just say ooh look here's a prezzie from GP/GA/GN isn't this nice.
And next year say "we're having a tea party with cake/candles at XX o'clock if you can make it"

I guess it's about knowing people and managing expectations accordingly. You can measure everyone else's effort against your own family.

Original poster

alwayssunnyinsouthhampton · 15/06/2018 10:34

GN is great nan
GU is great aunt
We don't normally bother with invitations, if one of the other siblings arranges a family BBQ with just a phone call the day before everyone shows up and stays the whole day. I just think its double standards. I'm always nice to IL and make an effort but I find it hard as FIL always wants to talk about politics which then gets him on the "I know more then you so your opinion doesn't count"

OP posts:

o0o0o · 15/06/2018 10:34

cant

Whereismumhiding2 · 15/06/2018 10:37

That's not nice of GPs etc. Can you send a text saying, 'That's a shame, I bought party food and DS was looking forward to seeing you all on his 3rd birthday.' I'd really want to add ' Not one of you is coming to cheer him on. What would you like me to say to DS ?' but probably best not to!!

Tbh I wouldn't bother inviting them again. They can do a tea at their house for him bust for their side if they want to create his birthday next time. . He'll soon be at school and having school friend parties which your family (if they are the side that make an effort!) can come to or join you in a small family get together near his birthday.

Whereismumhiding2 · 15/06/2018 10:38

but, not bust

crunchymint · 15/06/2018 10:38

Great Nan and Great Aunt is more distant relations though. This may be the issue?

llangennith · 15/06/2018 10:38

Stop sulking. Did you really stay home all day expecting all these relatives to drop by?
If you want them to come over just invite them at a specific time to a specific event whether it’s lunch or a birthday party.

Piffle11 · 15/06/2018 10:38

I have something similar with my ILs. I would advise you make a similar effort for anything your DH's family plan - I used to go all out for mine but realised very quickly that they didn't return the favour, so to speak. Don't knock yourself out as you will end up disappointed. For DS1's first birthday MIL insisted on a family get together - at mine - and she turned up an hour late. Her DH (not my DH's DF) did even come. BIL and his DC turned up 50 mins late. DS2's first birthday and MIL turned up a week later - again, without her DH (they live a short walk from us). She didn't even bring him a card: in fact, DS2 got 1 card from DH's side of the family. So I thought, stuff this.

Makemineboozefree · 15/06/2018 10:40

Did you specifically tell them that you were doing party food and that it was a proper birthday celebration? If not, I don't think you can blame them for not changing their plans if they didn't know it was an actual celebration as such and you made it sound like a casual come-if-you-can thing.

Motoko · 15/06/2018 10:40

Sounds like they don't think much of your DH (is he the scapegoat or black sheep of the family?) and by extension, your DS and you. They've been horrible to a small child.

If I were you, I'd stop bothering with them, your DS will be better off with just your family in his life, than have people who upset him with their lack of interest.

How does your husband feel about it all? Would he be willing to cut them out of your lives, or does he desperately try to gain their love and approval?

Makemineboozefree · 15/06/2018 10:41

Was it also a weekend or a weekday?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/06/2018 10:41

"Too busy" that's a shame, be sure and use that one to them in future without embarrassment.

Original poster

alwayssunnyinsouthhampton · 15/06/2018 10:41

I'm well aware I can't measure by my family but it still doesn't mean it's not strange.
I think if they don't want to see DS then it is them that's missing out but I do feel sorry for DH & DC (I am DD who is 8) as they like seeing their DP/DGP. DH always feels a little angry & embarrassed if we have to ask for help for childcare/illness as its always my side that offers to help. I just don't know how to approach this problem as I want all of us to have a good relationship.

OP posts:

Whatshallidonowpeople · 15/06/2018 10:42

DS will be at home on such and such a date...lol, the entitlement

BarbarianMum · 15/06/2018 10:43

If you want to see people then invite them. Properly, with times and everything. Fwiw the idea of great aunts being expected to be that interested would be pretty strange in our family.

BottleOfJameson · 15/06/2018 10:46

how do you explain to a three-year-old his grandparents and other family members don't care enough to come to see him?

Erm you don't obviously, you just say that they couldn't make it but they'll see him soon. I think if it was really important to see them on his birthday it would have been better to arrange an actual party.

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