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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be quite put out with DH family

61 replies

alwayssunnyinsouthhampton · 15/06/2018 10:16

My DS turned three last week, we told everyone (in advance) we would be at home all day so the family could come round to see him throughout the day but a couple of days before his GN dropped his present off with DH sibling so she didn't have to worry about visiting she lives less than 10 minutes away, DH parents rang that morning to say they had also dropped a present off with sibling as "they were too busy" and his GA didn't even reply and I know she saw it. They all live very close by so travel is not an issue.
I know he won't remember but this isn't the first time its happened. They didn't bother to see my DH on his birthday for the last couple of years and you can forget about them seeing me they tend to drop presents at the back door and run.
My side, on the other hand, has always been very close we all make an effort to spend time together.
AIBU to just not bother anymore? I doubt they would even notice unless they want something from DH

OP posts:
Miserysquared · 15/06/2018 10:47

I think it's nice they got him a little present. If you want people to come i think it makes more sense to say we are having tea and cake at 12 o'clock and would love to see you if you're free. It's maybe a little bit odd to just say DS is home today and expect them to appear.

Motoko · 15/06/2018 10:47

If not, I don't think you can blame them for not changing their plans if they didn't know it was an actual celebration as such

It was their grandchild's 3rd birthday, of course it was a celebration and they knew damn well that it was! They're just dicks who don't give a fuck about OP's DH and his family as he's not the Golden Child.
This dynamic is played out in families up and down the country.

VladmirsPoutine · 15/06/2018 10:49

This particular birthday/present issue sounds a bit of a fanfare over nothing.

I don't think there is a problem here for you to solve. If they aren't interested then you can't really force them to be.

Motoko · 15/06/2018 10:52

You're flogging a dead horse OP, no matter what you do, you won't have a good relationship with them because they don't want one.

Just concentrate on your side of the family, don't bother with the in laws. You've already said that it's always DH that makes contact, so if he stopped, they wouldn't bother getting in touch.

Original poster
alwayssunnyinsouthhampton · 15/06/2018 10:52

@llangennith
we told everyone at least a week in advance as IL wanted to come to see him, and we said we would have an open house as it was easier so people could come round throughout the day so they could do whatever they needed to then pop by and see their GC
GN always complains that no one goes to see her or invite her anywhere so we made sure to invite her so she didn't feel left out.
I'm not bothered about GU as she does as she pleases, last year she brought our DC christmas presents but not our DN's & DN's
It was on a saturday so no-one had to worry about work getting up early the next day.
DD commented "oh they haven't bothered again." so its now normal apparently.
DH is not the black sheep he is actually the best of the bunch, good job, happily married, house etc, so I don't think it could be that.

OP posts:
krustykittens · 15/06/2018 10:53

I get where you are coming from, OP, my in-laws were like this. Kids don't even get acknowledged at Christmas or their birthdays but they are not going to change. We just shrug and get on with life without them. It's their loss because we are fab! Grin

headinhands · 15/06/2018 10:54

Some families don't make a fuss over birthdays etc. That's fine. Your family does. That's fine. Don't take it personally. Sounds like you think they should behave according to your preferences. Would you find it fair if they said you had to behave how they wanted?

headinhands · 15/06/2018 10:55

there was party food but surely that isn't the point, he was really looking forward to seeing them, how do you explain to a three-year-old his grandparents and other family members don't care enough to come to see him?

Why did you give him the expectation that he would, especially knowing already that they're not massively into these sorts of things.

headinhands · 15/06/2018 10:57

I just think its double standards

It would be if they were criticising you if you hadn't turned up.

Original poster
alwayssunnyinsouthhampton · 15/06/2018 10:58

I don't know if something is getting lost in translation but "an open house" is used by both sides of the family as meaning an actual party just at home and all day say 11-6
It's just cheaper than hiring somewhere and then doing all food etc,
as I said people were told a week early as they asked what we were doing so they could come to see the birthday boy.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 15/06/2018 11:01

Your H’s relationships with his family are primarily his concern: suggest desisting from organising things on DH’s behalf.

Given his family’s behaviours I wouldn’t factor them into birthday plans, or “gee up” the DC.

You both seem concerned that his parents treat DH (and your DC) differently to DH’s sibling’s DC. How DH manages this for himself is up to him, but you could agree together how you will seek to minimise negative impact on your DC - one option would be “boundaries” around contact.

Motoko · 15/06/2018 11:03

You might think he's the best of the bunch, but they obviously don't, or your relationship with them would be different.
It could be that they give his sibling all that help because they feel it's needed, but your DH doesn't need any help, but that doesn't explain their lack of interest in their grandchild from you two.

Hogtini · 15/06/2018 11:03

Perhaps a set time/plan for visiting would have worked better? Why would you want to be in all day waiting for the doorbell to ring at god knows when?
I know if it was me/my family it'd be fussing about what time to go - what time do you get up? what time is lunch? what time are you going? well we'll go after you to spread it out more. Does he have a nap etc etc.

Juells · 15/06/2018 11:05

A three-year-old doesn't know what a birthday is, hardly. It would never have occurred to me to invite anyone around for a small child's birthday, so perhaps your IL's are just like me?

MereDintofPandiculation · 15/06/2018 11:05

I find it completely strange that you expected them to turn up. I can't remember my own third birthday, but for 4th onwards it was just me and friends, would never have expected to have grandparents there. Nor did we invite grandparents or other relatives to our own DCs' birthdays. So just because it's not the way your family goes about things doesn't necessarily mean that DP's family don't care about your children.

BottleOfJameson · 15/06/2018 11:06

It seems to be a larger issue that DGP are more interested in DH's younger sibling than him. It's obviously totally fair that you both are upset if that's the case. In terms of how you resolve this I do think it needs to be mainly DH that attempts to change things. But you also might need to accept that things just won't change and you should adapt your expectations (I have to great aunts and uncles aren't often that involved in the kids lives anyway). It sounds like your DS has plenty of loving family around him so it's fine on his account.

ChristineAndMaryBeth · 15/06/2018 11:08

I know what you mean OP. My MIL is a bit like this, I actually like her a lot but she’s very VERY hands off. She doesn’t seem to mind if she goes months without seeing us, drops presents off WELL in advance rather than suggesting meeting nearer the time, and can be quite vague and non-committal when we suggest meeting. She’s kind and funny when we do spend time together and but DH and I wish she’d want to spend time with us more, she has been known to come to our city for shopping (an hour from her house on the train) and not even tell us until ages after. This was particularly galling when she’d not seen her DGC for 6 months, they’re 1 and 3 and the 3 year old loves seeing his family so I was a bit Hmm as to why she couldn’t have suggested even a quick coffee and a walk round the park.

beachysandy81 · 15/06/2018 11:10

I always invite properly with a time and have a cake and food ready, didn't sound like you have really arrange anything proper so they probably thought it was OK to drop the present off before.

Witchend · 15/06/2018 11:17

how do you explain to a three-year-old his grandparents and other family members don't care enough to come to see him?

Well that would be a silly thing to say. As would getting him all excited about them visiting without them saying they're coming. Even if they don't come until 11am you'll have had between 2 and 5+ hours of "when are they coming?"

If someone said "oh we'll be home all day if you want to drop in with a present" then I wouldn't necessarily think you wanted me there particularly. It gives off to me a "bring the present but we're expecting lots of people so don't expect to see much of us." type feeling. If I was a grandparent then I might well think "actually I'd rather see them alone so I can spend time with just them rather than small talk with others."

If you said "we're having a family party between 3 and 5pm with tea and birthday cake" then I would definitely come assuming I had nothing immovable then.

rainingcatsanddog · 15/06/2018 11:26

What happened last year?

If they have a history of being flaky, I wouldn't tell your child that they were coming round. If they do then he gets a nice surprise, if they don't then it doesn't matter as he didn't know so no expectations.

When someone asked about him being the black sheep, they don't mean is there a specific reason why his sibling's children might be preferred over your dh. Many decent people end up in the Black Sheep role while the Golden Child gets preferential treatment. When growing up, did his parents prefer his sibling )the Golden Child)? If so, I'm not surprised to hear that this has continued with the next generation.

How much time did your h invest in his relationship with his parents? Some people I know have little contact then are bitter when their parents aren't as close to them as their sibling who does invest time and effort.

Does his sibling have a partner? I know that some parents will put themselves out more for a child who is single than one who is independent and self-sufficient.

There is little that you can do to improve the relationship as both sides need to acknowledge the problem and work at it.

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 15/06/2018 11:26

If someone said "oh we'll be home all day if you want to drop in with a present" then I wouldn't necessarily think you wanted me there particularly.

Exactly this - my family don't do birthdays very much really, but if we do, then there's a party. If there was just a vague "we'll be in all day if you want to drop by" then it would be treated like any other weekend and they may, or may not drop by.

I think this is just differing expectations, and with your DP's family you just need to be more explicit (just like I would be with mine)

eggsandwich · 15/06/2018 11:30

Just remember this when it comes to Christmas and they start with the “but we want to see little one” when you say your having a quite Christmas, keep it on the old back burner for later.

mrsm43s · 15/06/2018 11:33

I think if you want people to come to you on a particular day to celebrate a birthday, you need to invite them and tell them what time you would like them to come.

Ickyockycocky · 15/06/2018 11:39

I would issue specific invites, with times and to include a meal. That way people know where they stand and what to expect.

I think your “we’ll be at home all day, was too vague”.

If you really want people to come, pin them down to a definite time!

stayathomer · 15/06/2018 11:41

When people live nearby they seem to make less of an effort as it's more of a 'but I'm nearby' kind of thing. To be honest I'd make your peace with it too as it's not worth getting worked up over, people don't think that it affects other people that much. Maybe leave it for this year but next year say there's a family party at such and such a time if you'd be able to make it? You saying you're around may not be what they need, some people need an out and out invitation. As for your 3yo, he just thinks 'present' for the next few years so I wouldn't make an issue.