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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be quite put out with DH family

61 replies

alwayssunnyinsouthhampton · 15/06/2018 10:16

My DS turned three last week, we told everyone (in advance) we would be at home all day so the family could come round to see him throughout the day but a couple of days before his GN dropped his present off with DH sibling so she didn't have to worry about visiting she lives less than 10 minutes away, DH parents rang that morning to say they had also dropped a present off with sibling as "they were too busy" and his GA didn't even reply and I know she saw it. They all live very close by so travel is not an issue.
I know he won't remember but this isn't the first time its happened. They didn't bother to see my DH on his birthday for the last couple of years and you can forget about them seeing me they tend to drop presents at the back door and run.
My side, on the other hand, has always been very close we all make an effort to spend time together.
AIBU to just not bother anymore? I doubt they would even notice unless they want something from DH

OP posts:

Bettyfood · 15/06/2018 11:47

I would actually have a proper party with his friends from nursery and not bother with relatives.

DeaflySilence · 15/06/2018 11:49

"we told everyone (in advance) we would be at home all day so the family could come round to see him throughout the day"

Bit like holding court!

Do you not think you might have had a better response if you had picked an actual 'birthday party' time and actually, specifically, invited your family/in-laws to it?

While everyone may still not have been able to come, I think they would have been more likely to, if you had picked a time that might suit the majority & actually given/sent/emailed invitations (from your son).
So, for example, to PIL your 'son' might have sent
"Dear Granny and Grandpa, I am having my Birthday Party on 'date' from 5 to 7pm and would love it if you will come. Love AlwaysSunnyBoy Xx"

Despite 'whatever' "getting lost in translation" of your posts, this 7 hour drop in "open day" for a three year old's birthday sounds a bit precious and clearly doesn't work.

Waitingonasmiley42 · 15/06/2018 11:51

I would expect grandparents to either visit or phone on a birthday. I wouldn't expect anyone else to bother and certainly not 'great' grandparents/aunts etc.

I think your expectations are far too high.

lifechangesforever · 15/06/2018 11:55

Hmm, I don't often go and see my nieces and nephews on their birthdays - I post their cards and give money, never mind if I was great aunt.

If there was a specific event with a time, I'd make the effort to go but otherwise, children have enough going on and I doubt they notice who was there and wasn't, especially at 3 years old.

rainingcatsanddog · 15/06/2018 11:56

An Open House invitation comes across as the Birthday was low key and I'd assume he'd rather see his friends than adults. I am an Aspie but would be paranoid about overstaying/not staying enough. An 11-6 invitation - should I be staying for 7 hours? 30 minutes? 2 hours? Meals provided or not?

Is it possible that your h's parents are trying not to stand on your parents toes?

RedSkyAtNight · 15/06/2018 12:19

Open House to me just says "come if you want to".

When my DC were younger we used to explicitly ring their GPs and say "we're having a bit of a get together for DC's birthday, are you able to come at x date at x time?". Thus making sure we 'd picked a good date/time and also that we were clear that they were able to come.

ScrubTheDecks · 15/06/2018 12:22

A BBQ is a definite thing. You don't pop round for a BBQ at your own convenience after breakfast.

Issue an actual invitation : come round for birthday cake at 3pm' or whatever.

FinallyHere · 15/06/2018 12:36

how do you explain to a three-year-old his grandparents and other family members don't care enough to come to see him?

I mean this very kindly indeed, but the place to start is not to build the expectation that anyone in particular will drop in to see him on his birthday. It would be much better to be pleasantly surprised if anyone does drop in, than disappointed if they don't. Just sayin' that this sounds as if you are transmitting your frustration with your in-laws to your three year old. Not cool.

Jux · 15/06/2018 12:41

Some families don't bother with birthdays too much, especially if their for a young child. The further the relationship, the less it matters,and GN and GU are getting a bit distant.

As your ILs do bother getting together for a bbq at a day's notice though, I wonder if you aren't making things too formal or something.

ScrubTheDecks · 15/06/2018 13:17

"how do you explain to a three-year-old his grandparents and other family members don't care enough to come to see him?"

Why would he even think that? Unless you set it up and stress about it. You are projecting and taking it personally.

Great aunts, for heaven's sake.

LivingMyBestLife · 15/06/2018 13:23

OP, I suspect that you have an issue with your DH's family not seeing your DS enough. Which may well be true, it's just that the example you have given here is not the best.

It may be a normal arrangement for both of your families, the open house thing, but obviously to a lot of posters here it sounds a bit 'woolly' and flexible.

I appreciate that it can cause difficulties when one side of the family is more, proactive shall we say, than the other - I have a similar situation tbh! But we don't make an issue of it and press on regardless and do a lot of travelling

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