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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I just pay?

71 replies

catmumof1 · 15/06/2018 08:49

A good all rounder for the Mumsnet jury (and my first post) I think.
Hen party, pregnancy, and cf?

I'm maid of honour for my oldest and dearest friend so the hen party planning fell to me, which is fine and I was banking on losing a bit of money over the planning and booking process because its inevitable.

As we're going abroad the group agreed to split the cost of accommodation to cover the bride and me and one of the other bridesmaids paid for her flights.

I paid the deposit for the accommodation which was 30% of the total cost, I misread the booking information and thought they just needed card details and wouldn't charge me but now that's sunk costs from December and I was happy to pay the extra from my portion towards the bride.
The original split for all the other 'hens' was ~€65.
Hopefully you're following?

One of the girls has just announced that she's pregnant and we're all very happy for her. This means that she's pulling out of the trip (not cancelling her other holidays but that's a different thread) and she's very sorry but can't afford to pay towards the apartment.
This takes everyone else's split up to €85 as we're a small group, not a huge jump but we're not all mega flush and one of the girls is already flying over from America to come with us.

So WIBU to just charge everyone else more? Or should I pay the extra so everyone else can go for the price that was agreed?
I'm not super flush either and the trip is coming in the same pay month as my house move so an extra €65 isn't ideal, especially as I've already paid €145 and I'll still need spending money out there.

I'm also putting the €200 damage deposit on my credit card, mostly for simplicity as it's already saved on the booking but there's potential for me to loose that and I'll have minimal credit card spending buffer.

I also want to add that this wasn't supposed to be a mega expensive hen do, the total was £200 for flights and 3 nights accommodation.

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 15/06/2018 08:53

I would charge everyone else more rather than suck up the cost. It wasn't you that 'agreed' the price so I think you should tell them what the cost is now and let them decide whether or not they can afford it.

KirstenRaymonde · 15/06/2018 08:53

The girl who’s pulled out should still pay for her spot. It’s already booked and she has a responsibility to honour her agreement to pay, even if she can’t go. But I know that’s unlikely to pan out so if she says no, say to everyone else can they please pay an extra €20 each as you can’t afford to cover it all on your own.

OrangePeels · 15/06/2018 08:53

If she was aware of the price then she should still be paying her share. Why should you pay it?

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 15/06/2018 08:54

I think that the girl pulling out should still pay her share tbh - she made that commitment and she should stick to it. Have you asked her if she will?

If that's definitely a no-go I do think you could ask the other hens but frame it as a request - 'I appreciate that it's not your fault that costs have gone up and you may not have budgeted for this but if anyone is able to cover an extra €20 so I'm not left out of pocket for the whole amount I would hugely appreciate it' - in those circumstances I would definitely pay more and I think if the other girls are nice (and can afford it) they will happily pay too!

Organising these things is a nightmare, you have my enormous sympathy!

kocerhan3 · 15/06/2018 08:58

I also feel she should be paying her way - she committed to it after costs were discussed and arranged. I know I would offer if it were me. Also worth considering Is there anyone else the bride to be would want to invite in her place perhaps?

Shoxfordian · 15/06/2018 09:00

Yeah she should still offer to pay but if she doesn't then you should all split the extra cost

Can someone else join in?

LifeBeginsAtGin · 15/06/2018 09:00

OMG Hens are a nightmare.

Did the pull-out- hen have travel insurance? Has she been advised not to travel? If she's housebound due to morning sickness then some have sympathy, if not she's flakey and should pay.

Try to get everyone's payments now before another pulls out.

RestingBitchFaced · 15/06/2018 09:03

I think the bride should pay for her own flight to be honest, but I suppose that's too late now - sounds like a nightmare

Original poster

catmumof1 · 15/06/2018 09:03

Thanks for the support everyone.

We considered asking someone else but we don't have anyone else to invite, the rest of our usual group of friends flaked out very early on.

I'll go back to the PG friend first I guess, might send in the big (bride) guns as a guilt trip as well, I just feel mean and hate asking for money!

OP posts:

Teateaandmoretea · 15/06/2018 09:04

I would be horrified if you covered the 20 on my behalf, however kindly it was meant. I would much rather pay my own way.

But if I pulled out then I'd still cough up my 65 .......

Original poster

catmumof1 · 15/06/2018 09:07

I think she has travel insurance, but I don't think she's been advised not to fly as she's going abroad with her partner a month after the hen!

OP posts:

mickeysminnie · 15/06/2018 09:10

Why are you not paying for your own accommodation?
Surely the 145 you have paid is the deposit so when everyone pays you will get that back?
In that case I think you should just pay for yourself, which is the 65.
Failing that, the bride should pay for herself. Ehy should everyone else fund her holiday?

Tiredspice2 · 15/06/2018 09:11

Why are Hen dos so stressful and expensive, and that’s before even the wedding?

Brides and grooms to be, if you want people at your expensive stag and hen dos, please cover all the costs!!!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/06/2018 09:11

I’d go back to the pregnant woman and point out that she’s committed to pay. If she wasn’t coming could you have booked cheaper accommodation?

RafikiIsTheBest · 15/06/2018 09:19

I want to know where you are going for 3 nights, with flights for £200 for a group of 5... Sounds brilliant to me!

Nodancingshoes · 15/06/2018 09:22

I don't want to sound stingy or mean but I don't particularly agree with people paying for the brides travel and accommodation... Presumably she was the one who wanted to go abroad? Does she know about this dilemma? Maybe she should pay the extra to save all her friends having to stump up more money than they already are? I don't think you should pay it - sounds like you are already overstretched xx

Makemineboozefree · 15/06/2018 09:23

How come the others are paying for your accommodation as well as the bride's? I think it's a bit cheeky to ask them to cover this additional cost if at the moment you're not paying anything towards where you're staying.

Original poster

catmumof1 · 15/06/2018 09:23

@mickeysminnie

The deposit is the first 145 of the stay, the 200 going on my credit card is what I'll get back after the trip.

OP posts:

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 15/06/2018 09:25

I don’t see why being pregnant means suddenly she can’t afford to pay her share. Presumably she budgeted for it before becoming pregnant.

Original poster

catmumof1 · 15/06/2018 09:26

I've paid €144 which is more than my share of the accommodation if its split 4, 5, 6, or 7 ways!
If I paid another €65 it would be costing me €200!
Total cost is €480, I'm just asking people to split the remaining €336, the first €65 of the brides is already paid by me as part of the deposit.

OP posts:

GrannyGrissle · 15/06/2018 09:29

Pregnant DF won't be the last to drop out. That i guarantee. Good luck OP

ShadowHuntress · 15/06/2018 09:29

The person pulling out should be asked to pay. Failing that, it should be split between the rest of you. It’s not fair for you to foot the bill because of someone else pulling out. You’ve done enough

Lemonsherberts · 15/06/2018 09:30

Bump the price onto the rest split it evenly.
Slightly off topic but I think the expectations for hen and stag dos are now ridiculous and stories like this are so common.
If everyone didn’t feel as if they had to go abroad/pay fortunes for the hen do it would be less pressure for everyone.

Lemonsherberts · 15/06/2018 09:31

Also as a bride I just wouldn’t allow my friends to pay for me. Definitely not.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 15/06/2018 09:32

I don't agree with the current fashion of covering the bride's costs. She's the one who has decided to get married so why should she get a free ride? I realise that most of the time it's done as a present to her, but really it's not very fair, is it?

But then I'm not a fan of ridiculously over-indulgent hens, stags and weddings anyway. Have whatever celebration you want but if it involves going into debt, or your friends having to sacrifice being able to go away on holiday with their own families, then you shouldn't do it.

If someone stamps their feet and gets arsey about people not wanting to spend £££ on the wedding, then I'd be questioning whether I really wanted to be friends with that person in the first place. I know a number of people who have spent the sort of sums of money which would have bought very nice cars or put a deposit down on a house, on getting married. Most of those marriages didn't make it to the 5 year line.

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