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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I just pay?

71 replies

catmumof1 · 15/06/2018 08:49

A good all rounder for the Mumsnet jury (and my first post) I think.
Hen party, pregnancy, and cf?

I'm maid of honour for my oldest and dearest friend so the hen party planning fell to me, which is fine and I was banking on losing a bit of money over the planning and booking process because its inevitable.

As we're going abroad the group agreed to split the cost of accommodation to cover the bride and me and one of the other bridesmaids paid for her flights.

I paid the deposit for the accommodation which was 30% of the total cost, I misread the booking information and thought they just needed card details and wouldn't charge me but now that's sunk costs from December and I was happy to pay the extra from my portion towards the bride.
The original split for all the other 'hens' was ~€65.
Hopefully you're following?

One of the girls has just announced that she's pregnant and we're all very happy for her. This means that she's pulling out of the trip (not cancelling her other holidays but that's a different thread) and she's very sorry but can't afford to pay towards the apartment.
This takes everyone else's split up to €85 as we're a small group, not a huge jump but we're not all mega flush and one of the girls is already flying over from America to come with us.

So WIBU to just charge everyone else more? Or should I pay the extra so everyone else can go for the price that was agreed?
I'm not super flush either and the trip is coming in the same pay month as my house move so an extra €65 isn't ideal, especially as I've already paid €145 and I'll still need spending money out there.

I'm also putting the €200 damage deposit on my credit card, mostly for simplicity as it's already saved on the booking but there's potential for me to loose that and I'll have minimal credit card spending buffer.

I also want to add that this wasn't supposed to be a mega expensive hen do, the total was £200 for flights and 3 nights accommodation.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/06/2018 09:33

'One of the girls has just announced that she's pregnant and we're all very happy for her. This means that she's pulling out of the trip (not cancelling her other holidays but that's a different thread) and she's very sorry but can't afford to pay towards the apartment.'

For this reason alone, tell her she still has to pay.

This is going to turn out to be a very expensive lesson for you, methinks and is exactly why these weekends away/abroad shindigs for hen do's are never a good idea. If the bride wants that she should organise it herself and be the one to lose money.

Not on of her to expect or accept free flights or accommodation, either.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 15/06/2018 09:33

GrannyGrissle makes a good point. Don’t allow this precedent or you’ll find yourself stung for other drop outs.

Gottokondo · 15/06/2018 09:34

The best hen do that I went to was a cooking workshop (15 euro) and then a drink in the pub because everyone was present. The more expensive and far away it gets, the more people pull out. The fun is in the people being there, not the flight to Amsterdam and the hotel night.

FredSheeran · 15/06/2018 09:37

If the dropping out friend doesn't do the decent thing and stump up the cash, I'd go with myotherusername's message - the key thing is to remind everyone subtly that the missing money has to come from somewhere, and if they all just twiddle their thumbs, it'll be you who has to pay it. I don't think anyone would think it's fair that a hen do costs them £65 but costs the maid of honour £200! (I can't find the Euro key, sorry...)

It's one thing to drop out when you've booked a hotel room on your own and can get a refund, but dropping out of a group arrangement that directly affects other people's costs isn't on.

RafikiIsTheBest · 15/06/2018 09:41

But won't the other people going be paying you back to cover the 30% deposit, so you will only pay your share of it? And the safety deposit you will get back from the hotel (assuming your group doesn't damage anything)?
I'm struggling to follow your numbers. If the PF drops out everyone's goes up €20 each, but she was only paying €65 so unless there are only 3 paying friends then why is it going up so much, from your other numbers I assumed 5 paying friends not including you or bride? Is my math failing me? Is it too late to cancel PF's flight and not have to pay for that?
Is it really €65 each for 3 nights and a flight? That seems really really cheap to me. I can understand PF not wanting to go if you're planning on clubbing and drinking, but obviously, I have no idea what sort of hen do you have planned. Seriously where is this place?

hamandpease · 15/06/2018 09:41

Ask everyone for the cash now so you're covered when others pull out

Original poster
catmumof1 · 15/06/2018 09:41

Me and the bridesmaid's aren't worried about covering the bride's costs as she's paying a lot for bits for the wedding for us so it's nice to return the love a little bit.

I appreciate it's not tit-for-tat but we've all already paid for a PG friend's hen do (not to current partner, so there's another one coming!), so it's a bit frustrating.

I've gone back to PG friend and asked what she can afford, then I'll take it back to the rest of the group (and get the cash off of them asap!).

It's my wedding next year and I'm probably going to save the disappointment and not invite anyone remotely flakey to the hen. Maybe to the wedding as well...

OP posts:
mickeysminnie · 15/06/2018 09:47

OP you said that the other hens had agreed to cover you and the brides accommodation costs.
Now you are saying that you have paid the deposit as part of your contribution, which is it because it can't be both. The deposit us part of the overall cost?
How many people are going on the hen?
As others have said, you should never book anything without money up front.
If money is tight why are you going abroad for the hen?
Suggestion still stands to ask the bride to pay for her own. If you paid the deposit as your contribution it still doesn't absolve the bride of payjng towards her holiday.

Original poster
catmumof1 · 15/06/2018 09:47

There were 7 on the trip including the bride, its now 6.
Heres a breakdown of costs:
Flights ~£140 all paid seperately
Total App: €480
30% Dep: €144
(holding fee/first part of the cost, I'm not getting this back)
Remainder: €336
Original Split: €67.20
(5 ways, between the 5 hens. My share is the deposit I paid)
New Split: €84
(between 4 hens)

OP posts:
Tack · 15/06/2018 09:48

I was in a similar boat, I was the PG friend! Except I still paid & went along. I did, however, refuse to pay for the activities as these were never agreed on when the B2B originally asked us along to the Hen Party plus I couldn't actually do any of them due to being PG. I had a lot of stick from MoH & the BMs for not agreeing to cover the B2Bs costs but I really could barely afford to go in first place let alone cover the costs of the B2B who wanted the Hen Party to begin with? (Don't get me wrong, I had a lovely time).

Anyway my point is, PG friend should pay what was originally agreed upfront at initial booking but certainly not anything additional.

Also idk if becoming PG makes her flaky! And becoming PG makes you very suddenly financially aware.

Fenwickdream · 15/06/2018 09:48

Pregnant girl should still pay. If she won't, she's a twat. Just tell the rest of the group the truth - pregnant girl won't pay so costs are now £?. Some will just pay up, some will go mad about pregnant girl saying why should they pay and completely lose the irony in the fact that if they don't you will and then they are as bad as her. You'll probably end up out of pocket but not the whole amount.

Original poster
catmumof1 · 15/06/2018 09:48

Sorry poor punctuation, should read:

As we're going abroad the group agreed to split the cost of accommodation to cover the bride. Me and one of the other bridesmaids paid for her flights.

OP posts:
Makemineboozefree · 15/06/2018 09:49

Being pregnant doesn't make a woman flakey, OP! Hmm

But yes, if you've covered the entire deposit yourself and PG friend won't pay her share regardless (which she really should), then you'll have to ask the others to cover the cost.

MisguidedAngel · 15/06/2018 09:50

With reference to the comments above asking why the others are paying for OP's accommodation as well as the bride's, I don't think the OP meant that. She actually says:

"As we're going abroad the group agreed to split the cost of accommodation to cover the bride and me and one of the other bridesmaids paid for her flights".

But I think what she meant was "..the group agreed to split the cost of accommodation to cover the bride; and one of the other bridesmaids and I paid for her flights".

Perhaps OP could confirm that?

I agree with PPs that the pregnant hen should be asked to pay up and if she won't, the others should cover it (maybe including the bride?)

MisguidedAngel · 15/06/2018 09:50

Oh dear, cross post. Sorry.

Lemonsherberts · 15/06/2018 09:53

Does the bride know what has happened?
I don’t know why she hasn’t offered to stump up the cash if she does?
I honestly couldn’t imagine letting friends pay for my hen do (when it’s a short holiday we aren’t talking about chipping in for an afternoon tea/dance class etc).

Tack · 15/06/2018 09:57

Lemonsherberts completely agree, was totally shocked when I was asked to pay £200+ for 2 nights away for one! (all rest have been covered by B2B!)

snewname · 15/06/2018 09:58

Yep she should still pay. It's not fair for her not to, unless she can be replaced - which she can't. She could sell her spot at a loss to one of your other friends who originally said they couldn't afford it, if she wants to mitigate her losses.
Whatever you do, you shouldn't be the one landed with the bill. If she won't stump up then you'll all have to absorb the cost and let her feel the resentment from everyone, not just you.

Don't ask her how much she can afford. Tell her she made a commitment to go, therefore she needs to honor that to avoid extra expertise for the rest of you. Do it in a group text/what's app, so that everyone can see what's going on, and it's resolved with the group agreement. Do not offer to pay more than the others.

DitheringBlidiot · 15/06/2018 10:05

Missing the point, but why the heck are you paying for the brides flights and accommodation? She should pay for her own and the woman who is pulling out should also pay her fair share too. She can use the money she’d save on spending money to pay it back. It’s not fair on everyone else to absorb the cost.

Returnofthesmileybar · 15/06/2018 10:11

Well you shouldn't have asked what she could afford to pay for a start, you should have just said

"oh no that's such a pity, you'll be missed, nothing I can do on cost I am afraid, it still needs to be paid, if you want to ask on the what's app group if everyone else will pay your share you can but I am not asking anyone else to do that"

She'd never have done that

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 15/06/2018 10:12

The hen trip was arranged and the girl should honour the fact that money has already been spent. It’s her choice to have pulled out. What a nightmare, arranging an event like this. In my day, you went for a meal and a to a club.

GabsAlot · 15/06/2018 10:13

if its booked she should pay as shes pulling out not everyone elses fault

FizzyGreenWater · 15/06/2018 10:14

You should go back to her and say sorry, it's booked. She's going on other holidays still so this is her decision to pull out - she pays.

She's weighed it up and reckoned a hen will be shit if she can't drink, which is probably true.

emmyrose2000 · 15/06/2018 10:14

I echo PP who say that the bride should be paying her own costs. (Not just this bride, but any bride or groom getting married). Getting married doesn't entitle (general) you to a free ride/holiday at your friends' expense. I'd be mortified if anyone tried to pay for me in these circumstances and wouldn't accept or expect it.

Pregnant friend should still pay her share. If she refuses, then the bride should pay as it's her event and her friend causing the problem.

thecatsthecats · 15/06/2018 10:19

This is why shared accommodation is massively overrated for hen parties. You lose almost nothing in atmosphere by booking separate hotel rooms that can be paid for at most on a pair by pair basis.

Oh and OP - I think it shows poor spirit on your part to say those who didn't want to come 'flaked out'. Just look up the horror stories - and the situation you're now in! - and consider those friends the wisest of your group ;)

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