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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancelling ~36 hours before... AIBU?

100 replies

headisajungle · 15/06/2018 06:13

An old uni friend and I arranged to meet up this weekend. She still lives in our uni city and I've moved to a different one. We both work crazy shifts and rarely have weekends off, so this visit was planned 3-4 months ago. I've got pets which she's allergic to so we agreed to share a hotel room and use the spa the next day. I booked the hotel and treatments and she said she'd pay me back later. She has no form for CF-ery, so I wasn't in the slightest bit wary of doing this.

Yesterday evening (~36 hours before she's due to arrive) she text me to ask if someone else can take her place because she's really short of money. Whilst I'm sympathetic to her money shortages, she explained that this is because she's saving for a mortgage - and they don't just appear out of nowhere! No-one else can take her place at this short notice (or even would, because why would you want a hotel in the city you live in?)!

AIBU to be a little peeved, or should I be a better friend?

OP posts:
Cauliflowershower · 15/06/2018 06:57

I guess this depends how much you want to see her but if you were feeling kind you could say that you’d cover her side for now and she can pay you back in instalments.

It looks as though you’re going to be out of pocket unfortunately either way so at least you’d get to enjoy the spa and spend time with your ‘friend’.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 15/06/2018 07:05

If she knows the cancellation policy then she still needs to pay her share and just save the travel / eating out costs.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 15/06/2018 07:07

Sorry this has happened, I would message her and say.

Hi 'friend'
We made this plan as you are allergic to my pets so I have compromised and have forked out for the accommodation (which I didn't have to do as I live in this city.), I asked you if you would be able to pay it back and you said you did, and know your saying you can't due to saving for a mortgage..
Now I'm finding trouble getting my head around this as you for 1) said that you could pay me back 2) you should have known whether or not you were saving for a mortgage.
So there are two options that are available here... 1) you can pay me back in installments and we can BOTH go as planned, but I do need the money back but I'm happy for it in a few payments.
2) you find a way of cancelling it and getting me all my money back what I paid and had faith in you for paying back.
3) I want the money back that I have forked out for you as you would have known about the mortgage, but as I'm your old friend I shall give you the benefit of the doubt but either way I want the money back as I still live in the city and if it wasn't for you it would be pointless for me to pay for a hotel.

Something along them lines op, I hope you manage to get your money back as it's rubbish when 'friends' do things like this.

AtrocityNeedles · 15/06/2018 07:08

YANBU.

Being short of money because you are saving is not being short of money! She has the money...she just has decided to not spend it and leave you with the bill, the CF.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 15/06/2018 07:19

I wouldn't afford her instalments, she should pay up.

MimiSunshine · 15/06/2018 07:20

She owes you half the room cost. Her not going doesn’t mean you pay the whole lot.

I had something similar, a weekend away booked, about a week before 1 person said they didn’t want to go anymore (had fallen out with another on the trip) and we’re short of cash. I just said that’s fine but their share of the accommodation still needs to be paid for.

Suddenly they hot over the fall out and came along.

Just reply to your friend saying you understand needing to tighten belts and you can cancel the spa but the hotel is non-refundable so she still needs to transfer £xx to you.

TheActualRealCinderella · 15/06/2018 07:22

What’s D&V?

OliviaStabler · 15/06/2018 07:23

I'd tell her that you can't find anyone else and she owes you £XX for the hotel as it was non-refundable as originally agreed. If she doesn't pay, I'd walk away from the friendship.

It is not like she does not have the money, she does as she is saving it for a mortgage. She simply now does not want to spend it as she had originally agreed to.

MsJolly · 15/06/2018 07:24

She should pay CF

eddielizzard · 15/06/2018 07:30

wow! like you CAN afford 2 x hotel and spa! that's no excuse. tell her it's non refundable and you can't find anyone so she has to come / pay. tbh anyone who thought this was ok would dent my view of them.

Returnofthesmileybar · 15/06/2018 07:30

Surely friend pays the lot not just half, why should op be stuck alone in a hotel in her own city when she was only there to meet allergy friend? No way op would be out of pocket

"Wow this a pain! No I won't be able to find anyone at this short notice. Unless you started saving for the mortgage yesterday then surely you knew you may no be able to afford it. The hotel is non refundable, it cost xx, we were paying half each but honestly I think you should pay the lot given the hotel is in my city and I was only staying to meet you and accommodate your allergies. Being let down is bad enough, being let down and out of pocket is totally unfair"

Returnofthesmileybar · 15/06/2018 07:31

And her saving doesn't mean she doesn't have it, it means she has it but wants to spend it on something else, totally different to being skint!

Thehop · 15/06/2018 07:32

I’d go with mummyofthelittledrahons rely.

UrsulaPandress · 15/06/2018 07:34

Start saving for the mortgage after you have paid me back.

Cheeky mare.

AskATerf · 15/06/2018 07:34

No YANBU her behaviour is shit.

It's horrible being treated like this, you've got every right to feel really let down by her.

elessar · 15/06/2018 07:36

Yeah she's totally out of order!

How arsey you go in your first response would depend for me on whether you still want her to come after you point out she owes you the money anyway. So I'd probably do a two phase approach. First response something like;

hi friend, sorry to hear you're strapped for cash - as the hotel and spa is non refundable though you won't make any saving by not coming so might as well still come and enjoy it? We can do free and cheap activities and meals to keep costs down!

Then if she comes back arguing about paying you her share I would go in much harder with all the reasons she's being totally unreasonable to expect you to take the hit for her cancelling. But I'd give her the option to back down gracefully first.

RoseGoldEagle · 15/06/2018 07:38

Yes CF!

Hi Friend, what a shame I was really looking forward to it! Wish you’d told me sooner though as I could have cancelled- the room’s non refundable now! I can’t find anyone else at this short notice and I definitely can’t afford to pay your share too, could you transfer X amount into my account otherwise I’ll be short this month. Thanks, OP

If she doesn’t pay, that would be if for me friendship wise

aldaniti · 15/06/2018 07:38

So basically you're funding her mortgage. That is not a reason to saddle you with the full cost. Absolutely unacceptable! People never cease to amaze me.

hooochycoo · 15/06/2018 07:43

«Hi friend. What a total shame! I was so looking forward to our time together. Obviously I f you’re not coming then I have no use of a hotel room in my home town , even if I had enough notice to find another friend wanting to share it with me. Unfortunately the room booking is non refundable and it’s also too short notice to cancel the spa. Do you want to reconsider, as cancelling at this short notice isn’t gong to save you any money, unless you think I should still pay my half for the hotel room and spa.

TheFirstMrsDV · 15/06/2018 07:46

she text me to ask if someone else can take her place because she's really short of money

The first thing to do is answer her question isn't it?

'No, its too late, its not refundable and there is no one who can take your place.
The cost is ££££. I am not able to cover your half'
She is asking. If you don't tell her no she will assume its all cool and you haven't lost any money or that you don't care that you have.

MsVestibule · 15/06/2018 07:46

cinderella D&V = diarrhoea and vomiting.

Shoxfordian · 15/06/2018 07:47

Yeah she's completely wrong; its not like this is an unexpected expense

Send something like
Hi friend; sorry to hear you can't make it now. The hotel was non refundable so please can you still send me x amount for it as I won't be able to find anyone else to take your place at such short notice.

Sundance65 · 15/06/2018 07:48

Yanbu in being annoyed and yes if you can't find anyone else who fancies it at the short notice - and there is no reason why you should then you have a tough decision.

It would be totally unfair for you to have to pay this yourself - and I agree with others that this is not about her half it's about the whole cost.

But if you make a big issue if it you may well lose this friendship - no-one on here can tell you how much this friendship means against the cost you will incur. Only you can make that decision and either choice is completely reasonable.

Just wondering - does she have a partner who may be causing this issue behind the scene and actually she is between a rock and a hard place. Having to let you down or massive grief from her partner. I have no way of knowing but you may have a sense if that could be the problem. In which case that may influence how you handle this.

There are some good suggestions already about how to make the initial response. But yes you should expect her to cover the cost but whether you push this depends on a whole lot more.

TERFragetteCity · 15/06/2018 07:53

'Hi. No. It is non refundable so if you don't come it will cost you the full amount as I only got the hotel room because you are allergic to my pets.'

Loonoon · 15/06/2018 07:58

I had something similar when someone fell,out with other members of a group trip I had organised. I texted back along the lines of 'that's such a shame especially as you will still have to pay. Can you send me the £xx for your share by Saturday?' All of a sudden she could come after all.