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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu Neighbour and Cat?

95 replies

ShadowHuntress · 14/06/2018 19:00

Named changed as I am a regular poster and do not want to be recognised

For context, neighbours moved in around 8 months ago and we get on very well. Their kids play with my kids. Kids have been over for movie night, we’ve helped them a couple of times on the school run when mum had her baby a few weeks ago

So I have a 1 year old cat who was only a few months old when they moved. The kids love my cat. We’ve always let them come over and play with her whenever they want. We had her neutered and started letting her out around 2 months ago. Since then, the neighbours kids have been actively encouraging her to go over to their garden. A couple of times I saw them actually pick her up and take her into their house. She didn’t seem best pleased.

Anyway, i had a word to the kids and told their mum that I have no problem with them playing with the cat in my garden or in my home, but please could they not pick her up and take her in their house. She has a condition where she is on lifetime medication that makes her wee a lot and needs contact access to her litter tray. I also mentioned this to the mum.

A few days later I call the cat to come in and hear her meowing. Look up and see her crying and clawing by their bedroom window trying to get out. I went straight over to knock, mum answered saying sorry but she didn’t realise the kids must have taken her up to their room and they’d shut the door so she couldn’t get out. I was a little annoyed but politely asked again to please tell her kids not to pick up the cat and especially not to take her into their house. Reminded her again about cat needing the litter tray.

So, a few days later I hear banging on the door. Mum from next door has come over to tell me that she’s come home to cat locked in their bedroom where she has peed all over their bed. She is now telling me I have to get her a new bed as she can’t get the smell out.

Aibu to tell her it’s her kids fault as not my responsibility to get her a new bed?

OP posts:

BewareOfDragons · 14/06/2018 20:30

Her children are old enough to know better.

You have told them not to pick up your cat and/or take it into their house.

You have told their mother to tell them not to pick up your cat and/or take it into their house.

You told her WHY it was important for them not to do this, medication and needing access to litter tray constantly.

And yet they did it anyway.

This is the result, entirely on them. Suggest they do chores and things to make up for the damage they've caused, but you are not responsible. Suggest the cat spray stuff.

Good luck, OP

YeahILoveSummer · 14/06/2018 20:50

YANBU. That's her problem. You asked her twice to make sure kids don't take your cat. I would be angry if they took my cat! That will teach her

Booboostwo · 14/06/2018 20:52

She is entirely BU and you should not be paying for anything.

An enzyme cleaner like Simple Solution could do miracles with the mattress if you want to make a helpful suggestion.

cadburyegg · 14/06/2018 20:58

OMG. Gobsmacked. YADNBU

KeepServingTheDrinks · 14/06/2018 21:17

I'm a third (or 4th?) one suggesting that if you have a bottle of spray, take it over with you (even if it's partly used). I might even stretch to offering to wash and air her sheets. But that would be as far as I go.

Good luck, OP and stand firm. Good neighbour relations is one thing, but being a walkover isn't good for those either. You need to be assertive. You can do that and still be a kind and good neighbour.

placebobebo · 14/06/2018 21:19

Sorry to break it to you OP but just because they aren't as bad as the last lot doesn't mean they are good neighbours. They aren't, this situation wouldn't have arisen if they were.

Original poster

ShadowHuntress · 14/06/2018 21:51

So I went over and had a good chat with my neighbour. She seemed irritated I’d knocked at first, but let me in. The more I explained to her how I felt, the more she calmed down. I didn’t get upset or angry with her, just calmly explained I wouldn’t be buying her a new bed. To be fair, she seems very tired and the house was a mess. Her DH is away for 2 weeks with work so I think she’s just overwhelmed and the cat peeing topped it off. She apologised and accepted it was her fault. I told her I’d pop down to pets at home tomorrow and grab some spray for her and gave her a tub of bicarbonate is soda to help soak some of it up overnight. She said she has told her dc many times not to bring the cat in but they seem to do it when she’s busy with the baby. Promised to keep a closer eye. As I was leaving she asked if I could manage the school run for her until her DH comes back. I said I could do 2 days a week because the other 3 my dc are at breakfast club and start an hour earlier. She seemed irritated by this but I just said goodbye and walked out. I think she’s just exhausted

OP posts:

ErictheGuineaPig · 14/06/2018 21:53

You are a good egg op, a very good egg.

Lizzie48 · 14/06/2018 22:02

This is so self inflicted on the part of your NDN. She should have said an outright no to her DC taking your cat into their house in the first place. Especially once you'd warned her about your cat needing to have access to a litter tray at all times. She herself is entirely to blame for not supervising her DC. They are old enough to understand that cats are not toys.

Children need to be taught to understand and respect the word 'no'.

Rocinante1 · 14/06/2018 22:08

It really sounds like she's not coping very well. The irritation at you for knocking at her door after she barged round to your house, the irritation that you can't get her kids to school for her, the messy house, the realisation that her kids keep doing stuff behind her back. Sounds like she's really it coping.
It isn't your job to fix that for her, but if you want too, you could offer to have the 2 oldest for dinner a couple nights. Maybe even offer to take the baby for an hour or something. Only if you want too; it's absolutely not your job and after her behaviour towards you, I'd understand you wanting to end contact for a while. But if you'd like to maintain the friendship, maybe it would be a nice thing to do.

Lizzie48 · 14/06/2018 22:16

The suggestion from Rocinante1 is a good one. It would help your NDN, who is clearly struggling, and it would give her older DC the chance to get to know your cat in its own safe place. It could well result in them not being tempted to smuggle it into their bedroom.

LighthouseSouth · 14/06/2018 22:23

Don't be too kind op
There's tired and there's taking the...oops, nearly said piss, pun not intended.

Jux · 14/06/2018 22:53

Well, that's really nice of you. Have very strong words with her children about the cat, though. It's not fair on her that they do this, and for her to be shut in like that is a vile vile thing to do. So be angry with them and don't hold back about how cruel they've been. Don't let them play with her for a few months until you're sure they can be trusted.

Original poster

ShadowHuntress · 14/06/2018 23:20

Thank you. I think I will just stop them from playing with the cat for a while until I can trust them. I think actually the kids are just really bored and like a pet to keep them company. Dad seems to be away a lot and mum is busy with the baby. Her dc play with mine and the other neighbours dc pretty much every day in our cul-de-sac. Some days I still hear them out there past 9.30pm. I think I may just ask them over a couple of nights a week if I can manage it. My dc do get on with them really well and apart from this, they really aren’t bad kids. I get the impression they’re just left to fend for themselves a lot of the time

OP posts:

IamaBluebird · 14/06/2018 23:29

I think know you've handled that perfectly . Really nice to have the older two over now and then as well.

wormery · 14/06/2018 23:29

Dont let her take you for granted, you have done more than enough, do not feel guilty about not being able to do school run, or feel obliged to have them over for tea, it is her and her dh responsibility, what would she do if you didn't have dc? If she is struggling then obviously that is difficult for her but she is very very lucky to have understanding and helpful ndns. Does she have any family or friends that could help her out or maybe she can arrange for her dc to go to pre or after school clubs.

Amatullah · 14/06/2018 23:46

Ooo cf thread.. (smiles)

ohtheholidays · 15/06/2018 00:56

I know you shouldn't have to Shadow but if your garden is enclosed could you stick a little lock on your gate so they can't come into the garden?

Just thought that way it could stop your poor Cat,you and they're Mum getting stressed out.

I think you handed it all amazingly and it does sound like the poor women is really stressed out.

IamXXHearMeRoar · 15/06/2018 01:10

Well handled OP.

I would suggest cat stays in or is only out when you are too to keep an eye, at least until her DH gets back.

Neighbours taking cats indoors is a nightmare, teaches awful habits. Ours is pretty much a house cat because our neighbours feed her crap and lock her in so she never gets any outdoor time anyway. If she is going out I have to supervise which is no fun for either of us but stops cat thieving.

TemptressofWaikiki · 15/06/2018 01:23

You are truly lovely OP BUT be very careful not to let your NDN establish any CFery. She is already straying into that territory. You were very gracious but she isn’t, especially, given her somewhat stinking attitude when you were doing her favour anyway and she wanted more. I would not take the kids in the evenings because it might end up really biting you in the bum, then being expected all the time. You are in danger of being really taken for granted. Don’t set yourself up.

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