Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When people say "oh I don't have time for that.."

85 replies

DontThinkTwice1 · 14/06/2018 16:44

I'm doing something creative for a competition at the moment which takes a number of hours to do. I was telling some people at work and they said "oh really that's good, I don't have time to do things like that.." in a rather superior tone.

It sounds so condescending as though I must have such an empty life that I have time to do extra things like that. I have kids and a job and do all the usual running around with s family etc so it's not as though I'm sat doing nothing all day.

I often hear this phrase a lot though which is fine because I know people have full lives but I'm sure they do things I "don't " have time for too.

Or people say it when what they really mean is they don't have the inclination/don't want to do it/ it's not a priority etc.

One colleague goes to the gym for instance but I don't say to her "oh I don't have time for that, I do have time it's just I can't be bothered! Wink

So I wish people wouldn't act superior about what they don't have time for! People seem to find time to use Facebook/Twitter/Mumsnet/meds about online which is fine, but I wish they wouldn't make me feel like I must have f all to do in my life other than a creative project for a competition!

OP posts:
Honeybooboo123 · 15/06/2018 14:08

I have a time intensive hobby and get asked how I find the time - I watch very little tv

Hygge · 15/06/2018 14:10

"I think we all know who intends to be rude and who does not."

This is what I've been trying to say and deleting because it wasn't coming out right.

I can think of one person in particular who says things like this to be rude. It's always annoyed me because I know it's not that they don't have time. What they mean is, they think I'm wasting mine.

As for the ones who don't mean to be rude, perhaps they don't have time, or perhaps they just can't think of anything else to say.

People often listen to reply, but if it's a hobby they've never done or a subject they don't know much about, perhaps they just want to say something and this is all they can think of to say.

HumphreyCobblers · 15/06/2018 14:14

If someone is urging me to do something I don't want to do I might say I don't have the time, just not to be rude.

But if someone is talking to me about their interest/hobby/creative endeavour then it is nice to just admire! Or ask an interested question, or change the subject politely if you are bored. It IS rude to point out that you haven't the time for such activity if no one has asked you to do it in the first place.

Bettyfood · 15/06/2018 14:18

YANBU. I hate it when people say that in a patronising way, as if you are wasting your time to have a hobby.

pipkinport · 15/06/2018 14:25

I think its all this American "workaholism".

A kind of competitive frazzledom.

I've got 4 kids, I work full-time, I'm always exhausted etc.

If a woman said she had a nice lie in the garden or park in the afternoon, then sat around on the sofa with a nice book, and cooked herself a tasty meal - and basically had a nice relaxing day, people would probably openly sneer or even get a bit angry!

I told an acquaintance rececently that I didn't get up to 10 a.m. that day (health issues, tbf) and she said oh she'd been up since 5 a.m., been to the gym, taken the kids to school blah blah. I found it a bit of an odd 'retort'. I almost said "good for you" Grin!

WellTidy · 15/06/2018 14:25

I get what you’re saying, as I volunteer on the PTA at Ds’ school and it is hard to get other parents to help as they’re too busy. We really struggle.

But, I am too busy sometimes to help with extra things that other people ask me to help with. At the moment, I am preparing for DS2’s annual review. He has severe special needs and special educational needs. He needs a lot of support. He hasnt slept through the night for months and months and i am knackered as well as having to do everything else that having a job, home, DC and a busy life involves.

But rather than offload all that onto people, and deal with their discomfort and embarrassment, I sometimes say that I am too busy. Which I am.

ReggaetonLente · 15/06/2018 15:55

I can think of one person in particular who says things like this to be rude. It's always annoyed me because I know it's not that they don't have time. What they mean is, they think I'm wasting mine.

Exactly this

amicissimma · 15/06/2018 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DustyMaiden · 15/06/2018 16:01

I say that to my DF who does cross stitch pictures, she keeps encouraging me. Really I think if I have nothing better to do, shoot me.

Bubbletrouble43 · 15/06/2018 20:11

amicissimma I'm an instrument and I have that conversation several times a week!!

Bubbletrouble43 · 15/06/2018 20:11

instrument teacher, sorry, I've been on the wine

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 16/06/2018 14:50

Irma 4 days this week I've been out for 6 hours from 8.20, come back for 3 minutes, back out again, come back, make supper, supervise DC until bedtime, finish my supper, finally get to bed late. I really don't have time to read, watch television, bake a cake etc. Right now I probably have time to do the first 2.

WyldDucks · 16/06/2018 14:51

I say it meaning 'I don't feel I can justify spending time doing it because I have to be doing more 'worthwhile' things such as house work'

IrmaFayLear · 16/06/2018 16:30

I was discussing this with dh, who leaves the house at 5.45am to commute to London and returns at 7.30pm.

He thoroughly agrees that “ I don’t have time to...” is a put down. Otherwise you would say, “You make macrame hanging baskets? How interesting, that must need a lot of patience.” Or, “No, I don’t watch Poldark. I must put it on my Catch Up list.”

Just saying you don’t have time is shutting people down and casting aspersions on their activity.

Hygge · 16/06/2018 18:17

I keep finding myself thinking of this thread (perhaps have too much time to ponder Wink ) and I was thinking that unless the person talking to you is saying "I do this and you should try it too" then "I don't have time for that" is a very odd response.

Bettyfood · 17/06/2018 05:55

I told an acquaintance rececently that I didn't get up to 10 a.m. that day (health issues, tbf) and she said oh she'd been up since 5 a.m., been to the gym, taken the kids to school blah blah. I found it a bit of an odd 'retort'. I almost said "good for you"

"Well done, dear," has a more suitably patronising tone.

FindoGask · 17/06/2018 05:59

I often get people asking how I find the time to exercise or bake but I've never felt they were condescending. Perhaps it's partly your issue?

FindoGask · 17/06/2018 06:07

Reading the responses to this thread, it really does seem as if some people go out of their way to be offended by things.

Saying you don't have time for something creative or that's just for you can have any number of subtexts. Lots of people feel overwhelmed by stuff in their daily lives even if in reality they could manage their time better.

I've thought of another example - when I was studying part time, a very good friend of mine used to regularly exclaim that she didn't know how I managed to fit it in. She genuinely couldn't picture it - she wasn't being a dick. And anyway, if you're happy with how you divide up your day, I don't see the problem! Who cares what people think?

LaContessaDiPlump · 17/06/2018 06:15

My standard response is to laugh and say, a bit conspiratorially, that it's amazing how I find the time for things I enjoy doing. They usually fake a smile at that and change the subject Grin don't patronize me, asshole!

LaContessaDiPlump · 17/06/2018 06:23

And I completely agree that some people mean it as a put-down while others don't mean it that way at all. Generally the latter will also say nice things to you occasionally, while the former bang on exclusively about their own greatness interests. Or they're competitively miserable hello SIL

lljkk · 17/06/2018 06:36

Don't folk bounce into the ceiling on mini-trampolenes? I'm trying to figure out how any adult can use one indoors.

Step-sis had eco-freak credentials, asked for my advice about cloth nappies b4 her son born. I asked how she got on with the cloth nappies when her son was about 8m. She frowned & said she'd discovered there was barely time to take a shower when you had a baby, never mind do cloth nappies. I frowned, but yeah... priorities. I have 4 tetchy kids who were in cloth. She got the perfect child who never had a single tantrum in his life.

Ohlalasayohla · 17/06/2018 06:40

I am at the other end of this. Im on my own with 4 kids. I rely on my mum for immediate after school care every week day because I work. So I don't want to ask for any more babysitting and I can't afford to pay anyone else to do it (and I miss my kids when Im working all week so I'm mostly ok with no social life)

When my colleagues go on about the work marathon team and how it should be compulsory for everyone to take part, how can some people really not find time for exercise, I am so frustrated!

I want to go home and see my kids. I don't have time or money for their wonderful hobbies. Maybe thats what they mean.

CadleCrap · 17/06/2018 06:55

It is all about priorities and multi tasking.

For example I am currently

Crocheting
—ignoring— watching my children
Drinking wine , not uk so not a complete lush
Watching tv and
Mumsnetting
If I could be arsed I would get on the step machine, but then I would have to put the wine down

Slanetylor · 17/06/2018 07:00

Yes I think I’m on the other side of this too. There’s lots of healthy eaters in my workplace who give endless advice on batch cooking on Sunday so it would make my schedule easier. There’s no excuse blah blah blan. It only takes a few hours. If you do your shopping on Saturday. Saturday is swimming and matches and endless trips to get shoes. I work every second Sunday and enjoy spending time with my family the other half. They won’t accept this as an excuse though. I’m just not making it a priority and it is unacceptable.
Ditto the marathon runners. Just a quick run during the week, and your long run on Sunday’s. There’s no excuse.

Elusiveone · 17/06/2018 07:01

I do not have much time to do things i would like to do. I have a disabled dd and most of my time is working pt and going to numerous medical appointments. Im tired by the end of the day and really do not get much time for anything nice. Im a single parent to. So not everyone has time to bake or exercise classes. Which i would love to do.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.