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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it OK to live with your partner's parents while you both save for a house deposit?

53 replies

christmaspresentaibu · 14/06/2018 13:02

Hi everyone,

I'm just looking to canvas some opinions - is it normal or acceptable to move in with your partner to his parents' house in order to save money for a deposit?

For context, I'm 24 and DP is 27. He still lives at home with his mum and dad, who are kind people and have said we can live with them for a year or so while we save up.

My parents are difficult in the extreme and my mum in particular will take this as a betrayal of her. When I spoke to my sister (20) last night, she said that, if my parents were upset about me moving in to DP's parents' house, she would understand why. She seemed to think that DP was weird for living at home at 27, and that I should either stay alone as a lodger where I am or we should rent the two of us - in either scenario, we wouldn't be able to save for a deposit at the same time. I think she doesn't appreciate this yet because she is still in the uni bubble.

I do have a thread running in relationships about my mum already but I just wanted to ask a really straightforward - AIBU to want to live with DP's parents for a bit?

TIA Flowers

OP posts:
OakIsBetterTho · 14/06/2018 13:05

Yanbu. You are, in fact, being very sensible and making the most of the kind chance offered to you... that said, my mum would be and has been the exact same. DP and I proposed the idea not long ago and she lost her shit... even more ridiculous when you consider DP and I currently rent a place of our own, so I don't even live with her now!! We decided against it in the end, but not because of her. Do what is right for you.

cadburyegg · 14/06/2018 13:10

YANBU at all if they will have you! We moved in with my parents for 2 years to save for our first home, which then went up in value so we were able to upsize last year. Would never have been able to do that otherwise.

needtogiveitablow · 14/06/2018 13:13

YANBU me and DH did this and whilst it wasn’t all plain sailing it really did help, we had bought a new build so knew we had a definite (ish) end date to work towards. You have to do what’s best for you and him, it’s your future that you’re working towards so do what you need to regardless of others opinions!

Merryoldgoat · 14/06/2018 13:15

Not at all unreasonable. Makes lots of sense.

OrcinusOrca · 14/06/2018 13:18

YANBU. We lived with my Mum for three and a bit years whilst I was a student/we saved up. Meant we got on the housing ladder and a lot of our friends still are not.

ConciseandNice · 14/06/2018 13:19

YANBU. If they’ll have you, do it. Your emotionally controlling parents are nothing to do with this. Do what is best for you as a couple. Good luck!

GardenGeek · 14/06/2018 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

princessdaffodil · 14/06/2018 13:21

YANBU I am currently doing this exact thing although we lived together for 2 years in a rented flat and also have a 1 year old dd. We could not save for a house and rent so we moved in with my dh's parents (my brother still lives at home with my mum so there was not the option to move in with her). I will warn you it has been the hardest thing I have ever done as they are not your family and I didn't realise how different to my mum they are until I lived with them but every month brings us closer to our goal of our own house so I will get through it. Good luck

greendale17 · 14/06/2018 13:22

Why waste your money on rent? Your sister is being stupid

sue51 · 14/06/2018 13:23

My DD and her partner lived with us for 18 months before buying a house. It makes economic sense and works if you respect each other's boundaries. Do what's right for you, your mother will have to accept that choice.

mamansnet · 14/06/2018 13:41

"Why waste your money on rent? Your sister is being stupid"

This.

Your sister will soon change her tune when you're happily living in your own house and she's struggling to get on the ladder, not helped by mountains of student debt.

If you get on with your ILs well enough, and are happy to establish some house rules and a maximum period of time (which could be extended if it's going well and you all readily agree), then I'd go for it!

GardenGeek · 14/06/2018 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmazingPostVoices · 14/06/2018 13:46

This is nothing to do with your sister or your Mum.

You are an adult, you are entitled to make adult decisions about your finances and living situation.

Their views about those decisions are irrelevant.

Don’t argue like a teenager with your Mum about this. Inform her, but don’t discuss further.

If your Mum chooses to behave in a difficult and unreasonable way those are her choices, you aren’t responsible for them.

GardenGeek · 14/06/2018 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrackersForPolly · 14/06/2018 13:52

We'll I'm just about to move 'home' at 40 with dh and 2 dc but granted we are moving to the otherside of the world and need somewhere to land until we get settled.

I don't think it's weird. Just smart Smile

ILoveChillies · 14/06/2018 13:53

Lots of people do this and it is perfectly normal. As long as you get on with them of course.

AnnabelleLecter · 14/06/2018 13:58

So as an alternative your sister and mum will stump up a deposit? Thought not.
Just do it.
I find it a bit wierd for your mum to be upset about this.
They should be glad for you.

BrownTurkey · 14/06/2018 14:01

No, as long as ot is not causing them hardship and they are happy to help - just make sure you both contribute to the household and don’t outstay your welcome, maybe build in a few ‘review points’ where you will all say if it is still working well.

MintGreen · 14/06/2018 14:03

Very sensible idea, makes much more sense than working. Having said that, the 14 months I spent living with my ex's parents definitely destroyed our relationship. They were lovely but his mother was very ambitious and obsessed with my career progression so every day I'd get back from work absolutely knackered and she'd pounce on me saying 'What have you achieved today? Done any networking? Have you volunteered for extra projects yet? Offered to take some of your manager's workload?'
It was exhausting and I felt I couldn't relax at all. Hopefully your DP's parents are more easygoing!

MintGreen · 14/06/2018 14:04

^'renting'
Not 'working'
Apologies, trying to multitask and failing!

PotteringAlong · 14/06/2018 14:08

I must be in he minority here then but I do think it’s a bit weird that at 27 someone is not only still living at home but actively planning on doing so for another couple of years.

Eemamc · 14/06/2018 14:08

Completely normal for a 27 year old to be living with parents these days. I’m 36 now, have a mortgage, a husband, a baby and a cat, but I was still living at home when I was 30!
If his parents are happy to have you, and you can manage living with them, then it is a very sensible idea... you have a plan, it is a short term solution to achieve a long term goal, that is eminently sensible.
You need to do what is best for you, if you are fortunate enough to have this opportunity to save, then good for you, not all are as lucky.
Good Luck!

CornishMaid1 · 14/06/2018 14:09

It is not unreasonable, but it is difficult.

I love my ILs to bits, but we stayed with them for a week or so between houses when buying and that was so hard and we have said that neither of us will do it again!

Financially it is a good idea, but living in someone else's house, making small talk with them and losing a lot of privacy and freedom is hard.

You could always keep your current place but try living there for a week first and see how you get on. If you are okay with it move there permanently and if you can't cope giving up your freedom you have a backup.

Bump3rcarz · 14/06/2018 14:12

You are an adult you can live where you want. However, I would work out how much you can save each month, because it will probably take more than a year to save up deposit, solicitor fees, land register, survey, other costs. You need to be clear what house rules and costs are before you move in with your partner. Or stay where you are and save. Can you get a second job to earn more or a better paid job ?

OliviaStabler · 14/06/2018 14:15

YANBU.

It is not weird to live at home at 27 these days.

I would caution you to have clear ground rules if you do move in. Who cleans what, who pays for what, set out clear do's and don'ts etc.