Is it OK to live with your partner's parents while you both save for a house deposit?

[christmaspresentaibu]

Hi everyone,

I'm just looking to canvas some opinions - is it normal or acceptable to move in with your partner to his parents' house in order to save money for a deposit?

For context, I'm 24 and DP is 27. He still lives at home with his mum and dad, who are kind people and have said we can live with them for a year or so while we save up.

My parents are difficult in the extreme and my mum in particular will take this as a betrayal of her. When I spoke to my sister (20) last night, she said that, if my parents were upset about me moving in to DP's parents' house, she would understand why. She seemed to think that DP was weird for living at home at 27, and that I should either stay alone as a lodger where I am or we should rent the two of us - in either scenario, we wouldn't be able to save for a deposit at the same time. I think she doesn't appreciate this yet because she is still in the uni bubble.

I do have a thread running in relationships about my mum already but I just wanted to ask a really straightforward - AIBU to want to live with DP's parents for a bit?

TIA

completely normal these days, in fact I can't think of the last time any of my colleagues were able to buy their first home without doing this.

No not weird at all. Very sensible, but you have to be sure and excepting to some of their ways before you move in.

I wouldn't move in if there was any chance of a fallout but if they are easy to be around go for it.

I moved in with my oh parents while we saved. Stayed there for 3 1/2 years and had a dc while living there.

Best thing I ever did. Cleared my cc and we saved a good deposit

Thank you all so much for your responses! It's a real relief to see so many different people think it is a normal thing to do.

Thank you to everybody who's said to think really carefully about it, as well - I really want to make sure that DP and I have enough time together the two of us, so we should talk about that before I move in. I have stayed at his parents' place a lot already and there's a lot of coming and going, as his two sisters and his brother live there too, but everybody does their own thing. We're also very lucky to be having DP's bedroom plus the room next door in the attic as our little sitting room, so we'll have a tiny bedsit, effectively. He's lucky that it's a big enough house to accommodate so many people comfortably.

My mum is extremely jealous of DP and his family (she told me they had me 'under the thumb' ) but there is a big backstory of emotional abuse and neglect there, hence my other thread.

I do need to cut my sister some slack, she is only in her second year of uni and doesn't understand house deposits etc yet. I think I was just hurt that someone I thought of as an ally in the mad situation we're in with our parents thought I was BU.

It's not unreasonable, no, but it's really tough.

I will warn you it has been the hardest thing I have ever done

I agree with this. I stayed with my in laws for 13 months and it was hell. Don't underestimate how tough it is to lack space to call your own. If I had my time again I wouldn't do it.

I think it's really good that you have your own living room plus bedroom. When DD and her partner lived with us they ha d DDs old bedroom plus a spare bedroom and I never entered their living space without knocking and we all respectful of our own space.

We're currently doing this and 6 months in have around £7000 in a Lifetime ISA so definitely working for us! We previously rented together for 5 years but had enough of "wasting" almost £900 a month on rent and bills. We should be out by November.

However I think my husband's mum has found it a bit difficult as she doesn't feel she can come over or stay with us, even though we live in a granny flat type bit with a mini kitchen and ensuite. My husband loves it as my mum does most of our washing!

All three of my adult DC and their partners have lived with us at some point and it really hasn't been difficult. We always respected each others' privacy and made sure they knew it was as much their home as it was ours. If anything it brought us closer to our DIL and SILs.

Yanbu. We did it, and it worked out fine

We did it for a while, and just to counteract the posters above it was absolutely fine. The house was big enough that we didn’t get under each other’s feet (we also had 2 rooms and a bathroom on the top floor).

Myself, my dh and our DD have just moved in with my parents in order to save for our own house. We rented for 5-plus years and had NO money left whatsoever to save towards a mortgage. I think it's a sensible way (and often the only way) of being able to save for a deposit. Ignore your sister and mum and do what you want to do. Ultimately, it's your life and your decision to make.

Thank you all for your honest responses!

Unihorn, I don't think my parents will be visiting us in any case - DP's mum has said that they are more than welcome but we can't trust my mum to behave herself and not be rude to DP's family unfortunately. It's still food for thought re. visitors generally, though.

Thanks DragonSnaps - you're right that it shouldn't be anything to do with my mum but I'm still a bit trapped in the FOG at the moment. I'm actually not going to tell my parents I've moved in until September when my sister is back at uni, because last summer when I moved to DP's hometown was unbearable for her because of the way DM took it

YANBU.

This is how I did it (no partner). There is simply no way I could've saved for a deposit while renting. Rent where I lived was in excess of $500 per week for a 2 bedroom flat (Australia).

This is standard among people I know.

I think you've realised that the way your family handle things isn't healthy. Unfortunately that usually means your relationship with them isn't healthy either.

It's time to break free and start your future with your new, chosen family. Stop trying to manage your families emotions and behaviour, and live your life.
You are only responsible for your behaviour towards other people, you are not entirely responsible for them.

OP the fact that you have your own sitting room means both you and your partner plus your partners parents will have space from one another, so go for it.

Oh and as an adult you can have as much or as little contact with your mother as you want.

Bump3rcarz that's a good suggestion but both DP and I are teachers and at the bottom end of the payscale but we'll still have a big workload. He's in primary and I'll be an NQT at a secondary school so not much opportunity for earning extra money. Thank you for the idea though

Thanks UpstartCrow and BlueBug45 I'm realising that now, yes. It's something I'm working on

You have a happy future ahead of you within a loving family. Think how much better it will be to raise children with them

Sounds a great idea. I haven’t read your other thread but it looks like your sister is worried about being the only one left living with your mum and dealing with the fall-out. I moved out suddenly at 18 because I couldn’t stand the fog from my mum anymore. It’s kind of you to wait til dsis is back at uni but don’t feel guilt about leaving!

YANBU at all!

In this day and age, it is not weird at all for a 27 year old to still be living with parents, especially if it's in an expensive city i.e. London/SE

Yes, a 27 year old could be living independently, spending an extortionate amount of their salary on rent but yet only being able to save very little each month towards a deposit for their own place.

In the short term, yes, they are all "grown up" and independent, but in the longer term, they are going to struggle massively to raise a deposit to buy a home. (unless they earn a massive salary/are set to inherit £££)

It's hard when your family dont support your plans or question everything that you do, but you need to do the best thing for yourself and partner.

Maybe with your sister, it's more because she would like to be living with you in the near future and so does not like the idea of you moving away/in with someone else?

With respect, her opinions are likely to be strongly influenced by her current set up at university- which is often never a true reflection on real life i.e. when you need to start earning a living, paying all the bills etc and not relying on a student/parental handouts.

For what it's worth, I imagine my parents would be exactly the same as yours if I had proposed the same move aged 24 (or even now to be honest, at the age of 39!)

My parents would definitely be totally insulted, ashamed at my arrogance for "choosing" another/better family to live with.

As others have said, moving into parents with a partner will likely be very challenging indeed, even with the most solid of relationships.

I think it's really important to have an end date/goal in sight e.g. finding a property to buy by the end of 12 months (or even sooner if finances allow).

The worst sort of scenario is where you get too comfortable and end up spending the extra cash you have e.g. holidays, little luxuries that add up. Life may have to be put on hold for a bit, but if this can be for minimum amount of time, all the better.

Good luck with everything

YANBU

We lived with now DH parents for 5 years in my early 20's, DH was 28 when we moved out. I found it difficult as it never felt like home and I could never fully relax like you can in your own space, even though IL's were lovely. DH didn't mind though as to him it was home. I also felt like a complete scrounger as we both ended up unemployed for quite a long time while living there and I know it was often difficult for ILs too.

I'm so grateful that they gave us that opportunity though as it allowed us to get on the ladder. We loved our first flat, but now in our early-mid 30's we have a house that while small, is so much better than I ever thought we could have and it's all because they let us share their space while we saved.

Definitely take advantage of their kind offer. Me and dh have been renting for a few years and are literally just treading water. In September we’re moving back in with dh’s Dad so we can save for a deposit. Neither of us are particularly looking forward to it but we want to save! Like you we’ll have a bedroom and the room next door to it as a sitting room. Only problem is the bathroom is downstairs (it’s an old cottage) which means trekking down steep stairs in the night for the loo!

I'm 32 my partner is 29, we are living with his parents and saving for the same thing! Good for you, if you have someone that can help and they are kind etc then you have nothing to lose and everything to gain from it.
I wonder if your sister would feel the same if the shoe was on the other foot? In a few years time she'll be in the same situation.

YANBU that's ridiculous. If living with ILs work for you guys you should do that.

As the mum of 3 young adults all I care about is that they are happy and healthy, and that I do what ever I can to help them get a good start to their adult lives.

Really don't understand parents who think differently. We're in the south east so I full expect to have dcs at home - saving - for the foreseeable future.