Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To warn ExHs new partner

62 replies

AnyLondoner · 14/06/2018 10:56

Just looking to see if there are people who feel the same way as I do.

We still live together, but he's moving out soon. He's started seeing someone he's met online. I'm the one who wanted to separate, I fell out of love. After years of emotional abuse and laziness, I lost all respect and love for him.

I just can't help but feel a bit sorry for his new partner, she's going to have to deal with everything that I went through. His laziness, controlling and abuse behaviour, his weird child like relationship with his mum and who also happens to be very overly involved. She also believes he can do no wrong and pops round unannounced all the time. He's never done any housework (been together 7 years), never seen him do the dishes in 7 years.

He's very charming and convincing, he sells people dreams. I can just imagine what he's telling her, as he sits there on the sofa smiling at his phone, talking to her for hours in the car.

There's that tiny part of me that just wants to warn her. Obviously not gonna do it as I'll be seen as the bitter ex, but still.

I'm just so happy that he's out of my life and I'm just looking forward to my new life, and do the things he's stopped me doing, but I still can't stop feeling sorry for people who have to deal with him in the future.

OP posts:
Gilead · 14/06/2018 11:11

She won't believe you, you'll just look like the bitter ex. All you can do is let her know that you'll be about if she wants to talk.
He'll paint you as a mad woman and a liar. Despite exh being on the Clare's Law register, he's still managed to convince others that I made it up. Just walk away, it's safer for your sanity.

Whereismumhiding2 · 14/06/2018 11:11

Feel sorry for them by all means, but don't interfere. Be happy he's gone/going..

Wave & smile at them and say nothing.
New partner is an adult. She can make her own decisions.

Keep looking forwards ... Flowers

Original poster
AnyLondoner · 14/06/2018 11:11

Guess I'm the only one who feels like this Smile

OP posts:
MrsPicklesonSmythe · 14/06/2018 11:12

No it's not A good idea unless he was physically abusive.

Original poster
AnyLondoner · 14/06/2018 11:12

Cross post, sorry. Yep, I won't interfere and god knows what's he's told her about me or the reasons why we're separating.

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 14/06/2018 11:15

Why? Your rid of him who cares what he does now or who with. He may or may not be the same with any new partners but they will find out in time.

You aren’t responsible for any random he starts seeing

Livedandlearned · 14/06/2018 11:16

I didn't tell my exh's new partners but they have all approached me and complained about him. I've listened and told them he will never change.

I'd agree with the pp who said to let them know you are there but don't tell them he is a twat, no point.

Whereismumhiding2 · 14/06/2018 11:16

god knows what's he's told her about me or the reasons why we're separating
But you are separating! It really doesn't matter what he tells her nor anyone else. Of course he will invent his own story/version. Just let go, don't give it any thought whatsoever.

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 14/06/2018 11:18

She’ll find out soon enough.

AJPTaylor · 14/06/2018 11:18

he may not be like that with her
she might realise sooner

Collaborate · 14/06/2018 11:18

I wonder what he'd tell any new partner of yours?

Fluffyunicorns · 14/06/2018 11:21

Oh I so wanted to warn his new GF - but I managed to keep my mouth shut and she seems to have been able to look after herself - three years on and he has not managed to become HER Cock Lodger yet!

Disco2018 · 14/06/2018 11:23

She won't listen. Plus you never know he might change.

My husbands exw would say all sorts about him but none of that is true for our relationship, because our relationship is different, I'm different to her and so he is different.

Plus one woman's rubbish is another's treasure.

BottleOfJameson · 14/06/2018 11:29

You're definitely not the only one who feels like that in your situation. It's so frustrating because it may well be that she'll be where you are now in 7 years time. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do, he's probably already spun her a story about his mad, bitter ex so anything you say would be viewed through that prism. All you can do is shield yourself from making the same mistakes again when choosing a partner and this new woman will have to be responsible for herself.

TheVanguardSix · 14/06/2018 11:29

It's so tempting but if you warn her, it still shows that you're invested in him.
Don't be.
Your only requirement here is to show this guy the door ASAP. When's he due to move out and is it a definite? Why can't he live with his mother in the meantime?

2blueshoes · 14/06/2018 11:30

Why do you care what he's told her about you? You're well rid and now onto a new, free, happier life for you. I don't think there's any point in warning her, she's an adult, who can make her own choices.

Good luck op, a bright, new future awaits, you are free from him and his mother.

HawaiianPartyBunker · 14/06/2018 11:30

Agree with Disco2018. DH's exes slag him off all the time, one in particular is alarmingly bitter and has mounted an almost 18 year campaign of abuse (also aimed at me!). She's monstrous in her own right though - she's a clinically diagnosed narcissist.

However, in the 6 years we've been together, he's the most wonderful husband. He's grown and changed a lot during our relationship, all for the best. He's never been violent or abusive though.

Plus one woman's rubbish is another's treasure can often be true!

SausageEggAndChips · 14/06/2018 11:31

Not your circus not your monkeys.......likely she won't believe you, anyway.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/06/2018 11:32

It will fall on deaf ears.
I understand how you feel. I often thought it would help womankind if I could have "Warning; This man will seriously damage your health" tattooed on my ex's chest.

What an awful situation- living with your ex when you've split up and having to listen to his nauseating conversations with a new woman. He needs to show a bit of respect to you and do all that out of earshot.
I hope he moves out soon. Can he bugger off to his mother's?

bakingdemon · 14/06/2018 11:32

Why is she popping round to your house when he's moving out? Presumably you're staying there so it will be your home

TwinkleMerrick · 14/06/2018 11:32

Don't bother, he is her problem now. Just be glad to be rid of him x

Mousefunky · 14/06/2018 11:32

I have been here before OP and I chose not to warn her. It isn’t worth it, she most likely won’t believe you anyway and you will simply come across as the bitter ex. People sadly have to sometimes discover how shit people are for themselves before they believe it.

critiqueofeveryday · 14/06/2018 11:34

Leave it and move on with your life. She's a grown woman who can make her own decisions. Every relationship is different - sometimes people change because the dynamic is different, other times they repeat the same depressing pattern. Either way, it is no longer your responsibility. Take a deep breath and enjoy that.

BPenelope96 · 14/06/2018 11:37

Tried to do this after I left an abusive partner, and a few friends have tried to do the same in different situations. It's never believed and brushed off as 'the crazy ex' whos jealous... You can try for your own piece of mind but dont expect her to run for the hills just on your word.

Alwaysmoresides · 14/06/2018 11:39

Agree with disco and bunker - my husband of 30 years is amazing. His ex wife warned me when we got together that I would live to regret it. She said he was controlling and neglectful and would not treat my kids well. She could not have been more wrong although I can understand the traits he has could be taken wrong by the wrong person. I thinks that is what it boils down to SOMETIMES. Just if two people are right for each other. I don’t see controlling. I see caring. He doesn’t neglect me. He works incredibly hard to provide. He is brilliant with the kids and I have no idea where she got that but goes to show how different my take on him is. In case you can’t tell we are madly in love still😍

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread