To warn ExHs new partner

[AnyLondoner]

Just looking to see if there are people who feel the same way as I do.

We still live together, but he's moving out soon. He's started seeing someone he's met online. I'm the one who wanted to separate, I fell out of love. After years of emotional abuse and laziness, I lost all respect and love for him.

I just can't help but feel a bit sorry for his new partner, she's going to have to deal with everything that I went through. His laziness, controlling and abuse behaviour, his weird child like relationship with his mum and who also happens to be very overly involved. She also believes he can do no wrong and pops round unannounced all the time. He's never done any housework (been together 7 years), never seen him do the dishes in 7 years.

He's very charming and convincing, he sells people dreams. I can just imagine what he's telling her, as he sits there on the sofa smiling at his phone, talking to her for hours in the car.

There's that tiny part of me that just wants to warn her. Obviously not gonna do it as I'll be seen as the bitter ex, but still.

I'm just so happy that he's out of my life and I'm just looking forward to my new life, and do the things he's stopped me doing, but I still can't stop feeling sorry for people who have to deal with him in the future.

Have my first "not your circus not your monkeys"

my friend and I tried to warn someone about her ex who was emotionally abusive, a thoroughly nasty piece of work - it fell on deaf ears, even in the face of what turned out very badly for her in the end. People trust their own judgment, and she thought we were harpies, even though there was nothing in it for us in telling her.

to be honest, if you took any random person, and interviewed their exes about their worst traits, you'd never end up dating anyone, would you? Plus the whole romantic myth that people can fix each other...

I’d feel the same, but I wouldn’t say anything unless he had been physically abusive or if she was very young - then I would try to tell her.

Try to embrace being glad he’s no longer your problem.

She might not let a partner get away without doing any housework for 7 years!

I think new partners should be warned if their partner has a history of violence towards women. Although not the case here.

Totally understand why you'd want to warn her, but in all fairness she's never going to believe you.
Even if he's just as bad with her as he has been with you, she'll still never believe you.
It's a rare situation where the later girlfriends/partners believe the earlier ones - but it does happen sometimes, usually when the later ones are being beaten up and being told the same crap that he used to say about his earlier women.

Not worth your energy though - she'll find out.

My ex's new gf (well, the 5th one after I chucked him out) sought me out about a year and a half ago and asked me to explain why we couldn't all get together nicey nicey with her dc (ex is not the father) and my dc (ex is, alas, the father).

So, I told her -about the violence, the thefts, the verbal abuse, the driving a car at me in front of the dc, the kicking me in the stomach when I was pg, and so on and so on. Let alone the fact that he hasn't bothered with his children for four years but plays the victim as if I'm stopping him.

They have been together now for about two years I think. She said "I have to give him the benefit of the doubt".

no, you really don't love, but you crack on.

My DH's ex told me all sorts.

Just confirmed to me what a bitter, vile creature she was and reinforced everything he told me about her to be true, which 9 years on absolutely is!

I would leave her to find out for herself i think.

many people rarely take advice about things and she would dismiss you as the jealous ex ( as others have already pointed out on here and i tend to agree)
She will realise soon enough what he is like once he starts showing his true colours.
You need to think about how you can move on and meet someone who is a lot better for you and brings out the best in you and so on.

Whenever my Ex's face appears on dating sites, the temptation to message every single woman on there and warn them about him is overwhelming.

Unfortunately, as others have said, you will be seen exactly the way he is probably selling you to her; the crazy ex.

Let her make her own mistakes and come to the conclusion herself. If she comes to you just be honest. That is all you can do.

I wouldn't bother. My dd1 had a child with an older lad when she was fifteen. All sorts of allegations against him, he has continued offending for fifteen years, his last conviction being for gbh. Yet, he went on to marry and his dw would hear no wrong about him. She even colluded with him intimidating witnesses - one being a young boy with special needs. How horrible do you get?

They are divorced now, her parents helped her escape him, clearing out the house whilst he was away. Yet my gs tells me that they are back in touch again on facebook. He could not believe it and God knows what her parents would say. I did think of going to see her, but gs said her loyalties will always lie with him no matter what he did to her.

I would leave it op. A massive red flag in any relationship is disrespect towards someone who is the mother of your children. All these women cannot be bitter, angry losers who are "mad". Bide your time and be grateful for your escape. She will find out soon enough.

I'll never approach her, I think it's important she finds out on her own. When she does, and she wants to talk I wouldn't mind. But until then, I'm focusing on my children and my new life .

He has pushed me hard so I fell when I was pregnant, and he's thrown stuff at me when we're arguing. I dunno if that counts as physical abuse?

I might be wrong but I don't think he'll ever change. He's very aggressive, opinionated and selfish. It's just some of his traits, he believes certain things and women should be certain way. Anyway it's up to her to find out and see him for who he is.

As for why his mum is still coming round? Like I said he’s very controlling, and has always been the “ it’s my house, my car” person, so his mum comes round whenever she wants and I have no say in it. I just go out, or go to my bedroom when she’s here. We’re not speaking at the moment, after a big fallout couple months ago. I’m just waiting for him to move out, and she will never set foot in my house again.

I've never understood why he can't take the children to her house, every time I suggest that he refuses. She always has to come to our house 🙄

I know how you feel, my ex H is with someone and they have a child together. My kids (when they visit) say that she complains at him for doing nothing lying there on the sofa watching tv whilst she hoovers and tidies round him (same as I used to) - she works full time as does he, but she is by far the highest earner and works more hours. I do sometimes wonder if he is violent and emotionally abusive toward her like he was to me, but I know it's not my place to say anything. She knows where I am and how to get in touch if needed should they ever split and she wants to talk more about what he is really like, but other than that I keep well clear, and I advise that you do the same.

Every relationship is different. Sometimes people change

I'm not quite grasping this argument. The fact remains that this man had it in him to emotionally abuse another woman and make her life Hell and completely disrespect her as a person. You can't shrug that off and say maybe it was the relationship . No he was an arsehole.

YABU. The dynamic of every relationship is different and people behave differently with different people. I agree with others that you will come across as bitter and malicious.

My father in law was abusive to his previous wife. Was an awful husband; he never lifted a finger around the house and was quite possibly the least romantic person and a rubbish father. It was toxic relationship and both parties were extremely unhappy.

He married someone new who he is, even years down the line, very much in love with. He is a much better father to the child they have, is affectionate, romantic, and even more shockingly to me (who witnessed his attitude around the house), cooks and helps around the house. Being in love with someone and wanting to please them changes how a person acts. Just because he was vile with you, doesn’t mean he will be with her.

I stayed in touch with my ex through mutual circles. I saw him with a new partner treating her exactly the same as he had done me. I saw her hurt and dejection. I didn't say a word. After a year or so she came to speak to me herself and asked me some very specific questions about whether he had done x,y, and z in our relationship too. I answered honestly and they broke up shortly after.

You can't change anything at all. You have to allow her to realise for herself. But be prepared that there's also a chance he could change with her.

"He's never done any housework (been together 7 years), never seen him do the dishes in 7 years."

This shit is on you OP for tolerating it and babying him like his mother. 7 years? After 7 days he should've been put right

Tbh if she's happy to date some guy who's on OLD before he's even moved out of his exs house, she probably doesn't have the wits to listen to anything you'd tell her. I went on a few dates with someone years ago. Dating profile stated "single, no children". First date he told me actually he did have a kid, made some excuses for not mentioning it online. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Second date he casual mentioned oh btw, he was actually still living with his ex wife but they were definitely seperated and would be starting divorce proceedings any day now. Shockingly there was no third date. I don't know who would choose to be part of a mess that like, but I do know they aren't the kind of person you can reason with.

It’s none of your business and she’ll think you’re a weirdo. Move on.

I'd second staying out of it, no matter how tempting! I was with a lazy, paranoid, jealous control freak for nearly 5 years - obviously they don't start off that way, it's gradual. My ex told me that his paranoia stemmed from coming home from work one day to find his girlfriend had moved out and taken all their stuff. I realised a couple of years in that she will have had to do this because he is a bit of a nutter, and whenever I tried to talk to him about separating, he got very nasty. So a flit whilst he is out seems reasonable now! He also said bad things about me when we split (have heard from mutual acquaintances) - he told people I was having an affair (not true) and that I used to hit him!! I didn't, one of the reasons I finally left was that his emotional abuse was beginning to show signs of turning physical. I guess what I'm saying is that I would have liked to have warned his next partner, but I doubt she would have believed me: after all, I was the 'abusive ex having an affair who left abruptly'. He had a way (probably still does) of playing the sweet victim, and I doubt a new partner would believe me - or you, in your case. Try and draw a line under it - not easy, I know from personal experience - but don't let his actions continue to affect you.

Hang on, let's not blame the OP for the fact that her exH was an abusive lazy man. I disagree that the "toxic relationship" turns men abusive. It's never the victim's fault.

The fact is, he has treated a fellow human being in an appalling way, not once but systematically over a long period if time. I find it shocking that posters are saying "maybe it was you, he might be different when he's actually in love, people change..."

It's seems like a fucked up logic.

He might not be the same with her. I've been married twice, the first time we were both so miserable we treated each other like shit. My ex would have had a lot to complain about living with me (I was untidy, drank and went out a lot, would be quite shouty and naggy with him), just as I had a lot to complain about living with him.

I'm married again, older, wiser and so much happier that I'm a completely different 'wife'. My now-DH wouldn't even recognise the old me.

Move on and let him do the same. Hopefully you will both end up happier

Yes I do agree, I'm partly to blame for his laziness. He was brought up by a mother who believed housework is women's work and I guess I've continued babyied him.

I'd complain, moan and nag, and he'd say "in a min", "let me finish this game" so you can see why I ended up doing everything. I thought he would change that's why I struck around for 7 years.

I will never let another man get away with anything again, and if he can't do his share of the housework he can jog on!