To warn ExHs new partner

[AnyLondoner]

Just looking to see if there are people who feel the same way as I do.

We still live together, but he's moving out soon. He's started seeing someone he's met online. I'm the one who wanted to separate, I fell out of love. After years of emotional abuse and laziness, I lost all respect and love for him.

I just can't help but feel a bit sorry for his new partner, she's going to have to deal with everything that I went through. His laziness, controlling and abuse behaviour, his weird child like relationship with his mum and who also happens to be very overly involved. She also believes he can do no wrong and pops round unannounced all the time. He's never done any housework (been together 7 years), never seen him do the dishes in 7 years.

He's very charming and convincing, he sells people dreams. I can just imagine what he's telling her, as he sits there on the sofa smiling at his phone, talking to her for hours in the car.

There's that tiny part of me that just wants to warn her. Obviously not gonna do it as I'll be seen as the bitter ex, but still.

I'm just so happy that he's out of my life and I'm just looking forward to my new life, and do the things he's stopped me doing, but I still can't stop feeling sorry for people who have to deal with him in the future.

As others said, she won't believe you. BUT when it starts happening, she will remember what you said and it might help her get out quicker than she might otherwise have done.

good point nordic, i'd run a mile if I found a man was OLD before he'd even moved out of the family home. There are some things you just don't do or they spell something fundamentally bad - like laziness or disrespect.

I honestly believe the laziness is within him, he's never had to do anything or take responsibility for anything in his life. He's had other people do it for him.

Why would he suddenly do his share of the housework with the new girlfriend when he's never done it before?

Only time will tell what will happen.

I told ex’s new partner (I was pregnant with his child when we split) that he was physically abusive. She had come over to speak to me.

More to make sure we wasn’t still seeing each other. I told her I wouldn’t be ever seeing him again alone not ever and that he used to beat me. I just said to her to be careful and wished her all the best.

6 months later he beat her so badly she ended up in hospital for weeks. I felt terrible. I knew what he was capable of. Maybe I should have done more to warn her.

Op warn her if you must. I doubt she will listen. People learn from their own mistakes. Not other people’s.

I don't think you're "partly to blame" AnyLondoner for him being a selfish lazy abuser. I'm really shocked people are insinuating that or trying to blame his behaviour on anything other than Him. It wasn't your fault.

I hope he pisses off soon.

To be fair there's another thread going ATM where OP wants the washing up done that night and her DP wants to leave it to pile up then do it at the weekend, and she's being told to lighten up, let it go, stop being a neat freak, do it herself if she's that bothered etc so I don't think it's fair to blame the OP here for putting up with his laziness for too long. It's like that "she left me for leaving dishes in the sink" article. Domestic laziness can kill your love for someone, but in the grand scheme of things it still feels like a petty thing to separate over and I'll bet if OP had asked for advice in RL about it she'd have got loads of comments from people saying "that's just how men are" and "are you really hoping to break up your family over a few dishes?". Plus it sounds like her ex was abusive in other ways which does rather stamp on someone's ability to advocate for themselves or even recognise some unreasonable behaviours against the back drop of much worse behaviours. I know that if someone had pushed me so hard that I fell down whilst I was pregnant, taking that person to task over the dishes wouldn't have been high on my list of worries!

Amberheart - while I totally understand your feeling guilty, you HAD warned her, you'd already done your best to let her know what she was in for and she still stayed with him - so it is no blame attached to you at all, none. But neither is it her fault for staying - It was his fault entirely for being an abusive bastard.

The only person who should take the blame for any of it, and the guilt (except they don't, the fuckers) is HIM.

I agree thumbwitches let's not blame the wife for not "training" them correctly, or their mother for "babying" them, or the dynamic of the relationship.
These lazy abusive men are grown adults. No one else is to blame

Sadly you'll be seen as bitter. Just smile and nod knowingly.

ILostIt the thing is, if you've been brought up by a mother who believes housework is women's work(and you're being told this constantly), and she's enabled you your whole life. You never had to clean after yourself, she would do everything for you. Then of course you're gonna grow up to be an entitled selfish bastard, don't you think?

I have two sons and no way am I gonna do everything for them. By the time they are 18, they will know how to cook, clean, iron and look after themselves. They are 5 and 2 now, but one day they will grow up and get married and be husbands.

I think it's important from a young age to teach children basic things, and he's never been taught that because he's always had someone there doing everything for him. I cannot stand laziness

I see your point. I have 2 teen sons and understand where you're coming from.

I think there comes a point in a grown man's life where his selfish sexist attitudes can no longer be blamed on how he was treated as a child. Anyone with a shred of self awareness or respect for their wife would understand that you work as a team. You don't treat a fellow human being like dirt. You only have to pick up a newspaper to find out it's not the 1950s.

My point being that a man behaving like this is lazy and selfish that's the bottom line and they need to stop blaming their mothers for that and get their head out of their arse.

Anyway, well done for splitting from your husband. He sounds not only lazy but abusive. I think the fact that he's made you aware he's met someone else, almost flaunting it, and insisting his mother visits against your wishes is all part of his game. It's emotional abuse.

I hope he moves out and you can move on. It's a horrible situation for you.

I don't agree with posters saying maybe he's changed, he'll be different with this new woman. Bollocks will he. If he'd changed he'd be full of remorse for treating you like shit for all these years, emotionally and physically abusing you.
I guess she'll have to find out for herself.