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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Famìly

55 replies

Evigglad46 · 14/06/2018 09:24

If a man gets attacked- verbally - by his grown daughter to an extent that they lose contact - daughter refuses to talk about it and wont return his calls - and man ask his famìly to interfere and talk to daughter and they all refuse - is og Wrong to Feel upset with famìly? Is it normal to Say- not my daughter so not my problem ??

OP posts:

peachgreen · 14/06/2018 09:26

It's perfectly normal for family members to not want to get involved in an argument between two relatives. YABU. I'd like to hear the daughter's side of this argument.

BottleOfJameson · 14/06/2018 09:27

It's really just impossible to say with so little information. Why did the daughter verbally attack the father? Why does she not want to speak to him? I can understand the family not wanting to intervene; if the daughter wants to go NC with her dad (and presumably she has some reason for wanting that) I wouldn't want to force her to see him.

MadMags · 14/06/2018 09:37

Yes, it’s absolutely right for them to stay out of a fight between two adults.

ShweShwe · 14/06/2018 09:38

You're the man right? You'll have to give a little more detail - it's all very patchy as it stands

Original poster

Evigglad46 · 14/06/2018 09:39

They were out for dinner, just the 2 of them, and out of the blue she read a letter to him, - 6 pages - with all he did wrong the last 10 years. And got up and left. Refuses to talk about it. Refuses any contact from father. The letter was about his faults - he divorced her mom, remarried, got more children, didnt have time for her (she actually said SHE was his little girl, not his new daughter - for the record she is 32 years old, and they usually saw eachother once a month alone, and 2-3 times with his and her other half and children!) He was wrong in not sharing a holiday house so she and her family could use it when convinient, he spent too much time with HER husbond and their hobby; so many things he did wrong.
Father is so destroyed by this. She refuses to see him; therefore he dont see his grand children either - and he reached out to his siblings and parents in the hope they would talk to her and help mend things. They flat out refused. I dont get it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Evigglad46 · 14/06/2018 09:41

No I am his "new" wife - of 10 years. And I have a hard time spending time with his family as I think they abandon him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Evigglad46 · 14/06/2018 09:41

I was not the reason for their divorce..

OP posts:

RatherBeRiding · 14/06/2018 09:44

Well she obviously feels very strongly, and she is as entitled to her feelings as the father is entitled to his. It would be very interesting to hear her side of the story. Did she feel abandoned when her father left, remarried and started a new life with his new family? Did she have to witness her mother, distraught and suffering over the end of her marriage? Does she feel her father has not acknowledged her feelings?

And of course it is right that the rest of the family don't take sides. Why would they? It's not their argument. And maybe their sympathy lies with the daughter, in any case.

If she doesn't want to "mend things", then she won't and the father (you?) will just have to accept this.

LemonysSnicket · 14/06/2018 09:45

A family members circus is still not my circus ...

She obviously felt the need to tell her father how she felt, obviously as a part of her issue with him you are not exactly far enough away from the situation to see all sides.

Support your husband.

SnuggyBuggy · 14/06/2018 09:46

No one is ever wrong for how they feel. You can be wrong for how you act and until the daughter is willing to talk there isn't much anyone can do.

EdmundCleverClogs · 14/06/2018 09:46

That doesn’t sound like ‘verbal assault’. She was brave enough to air what seems like several years of built up hurt, has your husband actually taken any of it on board? I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to talk to him if he was instantly as defensive as you seem to be. Other family members are quite right to keep out/not take sides.

thecatsthecats · 14/06/2018 09:47

I would absolutely not get involved as a gobetween. They're independent of this conflict, and they have independent relationships I presume with both parties.

My sister is NC with my parents. Now nobody has asked me to intercede and build bridges, but like hell would I want the grief in my life. It's caused me more than enough already, thank you!

Think about it this way - if you had reasons to refuse to see someone altogether, exactly how well would you take it if they sent messages through the people you WERE happy to speak to? Who didn't know the whole issue, who might have their own motives, their own guilt trips?

YANBU at all to want to support your partner - it sounds like he needs it. But please do it with kindness, not railing against his family.

PlateOfBiscuits · 14/06/2018 09:47

’she actually said SHE was his little girl, not his new daughter - for the record she is 32 years old‘

Why is she not still his little girl? She obviously feels very pushed out and abandoned by her father.

She’s entitled to her feelings.

NotTakenUsername · 14/06/2018 09:49

Verbal attack...?

SharpLily · 14/06/2018 09:49

Evigglad46, you cannot know what really goes on between two people when they are alone. It sounds like you only have part of the story here. Given that his own family don't seem to be on his side in this matter, don't you think that it's just possible that there is some, even minor, validity to the daughter's point of view?

Even if she is being completely unreasonable and your husband has been the world's best father, perhaps it would be best to allow his daughter some space for now. If she wants to make good later on, great. If not then perhaps you should both respect her wishes.

I know if I were to say the things I really wanted to my father and explain what an awful parent he's been, he would be as surprised and confused as your husband. Not because what I'm saying is without merit but because he is a man who refuses to listen to other people or make any effort to understand them, which is a part of the problem. My mother can only ever see his side but the rest of the family share my views completely and have all had times they've wanted to tell him so, so a similar situation to yours but we've all chosen to ignore the situation as yet.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 14/06/2018 09:49

Sounds like his chickens have come home to roost. A not very involved father being called on it and she has gone no contact. Her choice. He should respect that. He has his chance to be in her life.

Original poster

Evigglad46 · 14/06/2018 09:54

He very much wanted to talk with her about it, but she refuse. She was living with her husbond when her parents divorced. Yes her mum was unhappy about it, but she is happily remarried for many years now and she and my husbond - and me - get along fine.
I am not defencive; English is not my language, and I struggle to find right words - but I dont understand why nobody just called the daughter and say "I hear something is up, can I help you" - I would do, myself, if anybody in my family lost contact.
My husbond lost contact with his grand children also. And he dont get it. He dont get why she do this now, out of the blue. We have often paid for them to go on holiday with us, we have a good time, they saw eachother often, this is so out of the blue. Now it is been 6 moths since it happend and my husbond is so sad.

OP posts:

PositivelyPERF · 14/06/2018 09:56

Are all her accusations true? Why did he see so little of his daughter and why were you so involved with their meetings? I find it odd that he has a holiday home and has never offered the use of it to his daughter. Was it considered the ‘family’ holiday home? If she wasn’t offered the use of it, even once a year, then he made it obvious she wasn’t considered part of his family.

Racecardriver · 14/06/2018 09:57

How old was she when he left?

Coffeeisyourfriend · 14/06/2018 09:57

It's no ones place to get involved and could quite possibly drive the daughter away even more if people try to stick their noses in.
Leave her alone for a while. She had something she's clearly been needing to get off her chest for a long while so just let her have it. Don't try to discredit her feelings by getting family members to stand in your DH corner, from experience that will push her away more and could lead to many other people losing contact with her though your DH problems.
Leave her be, in a month of so she might be willing to have another conversation with her dad but don't push it. Find a way to sort of keep in contact so she knows you care still (text updates from her DP about the family or something where she doesn't have to feel put out)

PlateOfBiscuits · 14/06/2018 10:00

The issue with the grandchildren is difficult. Have the parents decided they don’t want him to see them as well?

As he’s friends with her husband could he organise with him to see the grandchildren?

Seeline · 14/06/2018 10:02

but I dont understand why nobody just called the daughter and say "I hear something is up, can I help you"

Do you know that nobody has called the daughter?
They probably have, and are supporting her - it's just that support and help doesn't involve forcing her to make contact with a father that she feels has hurt her badly.
If they can give her the support she needs now, she may in time come round to re-establishing contact. Forcing it now will not work.

Original poster

Evigglad46 · 14/06/2018 10:04

I dont understand what you mean - Positively perf? Is it little to see his grown daughter 2-3 times a month? And what do you mean by me getting involved with their meetings? They were out to dinner about once a month, just the 2 of them - I had no involvement in that - and then we all got together once or twice a month. Is that little?
The holiday house, he bought when he divorced her mom. Last time she used it, she brought friends her father didnt know about, and even let the friends use it a few days more, after she and her family left. That is why he wont let her use it again.
Racecardriver - she was about 19 years old, and not living at home anymore.
Coffeisyourfriend - it has been more than 6 months now..

OP posts:

Original poster

Evigglad46 · 14/06/2018 10:10

Plateofbisquets - he tried to contact her husbond, and he said he would not get involved as she is very agressive towards him and they apparently have a hard time. He also quit the mutual hobby they had, because she was jealous of the amount of time he got with HER father. (also in the letter she read to him)
Ok I guess it is each for your own, and we are only family as long as everything is fine. I am not taking sides as I obviously cant read daughters mind and have no clue why she does this. It is hard to know what is going on, as she dont want any contact.

OP posts:

FlyingElbows · 14/06/2018 10:15

Op nobody chooses to end their relationship with a parent for no reason. Her reason may be one you don't understand but to her it is valid. I was 14 when my parents split and my father got a nice shiny new replacement family. I may be in my 40s now but the damage done to my 14 year old self is still the same.

Using a family member to act as a go-between is known as a "flying monkey" in nc circles. It's using a third party to do your acting and talking for you under the guise of concern. It's not a fair thing to do to family or to the daughter. She's made her choice for her own reasons, now leave her be. If you attempt to manipulate and pursue her through a third party you will only succeed in driving her further away. Let her know the door is always open should she choose to return and then back off.

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