Famìly

[Evigglad46]

If a man gets attacked- verbally - by his grown daughter to an extent that they lose contact - daughter refuses to talk about it and wont return his calls - and man ask his famìly to interfere and talk to daughter and they all refuse - is og Wrong to Feel upset with famìly? Is it normal to Say- not my daughter so not my problem ??

The daughter has spent what sounds like decades to me in pain, she decided to share that with her father and he closed her down.

At the moment when she was looking to get past what is hurting her, he refused and walked away.

This could have irreparably damaged their relationship for good.

The father should go to her house, ask her to read the letter again, listen and acknowledge her pain. Tell he loves her, didn't mean to hurt her and help her to come to terms with the past. If he wants to see her and his grandchildren again he will need to be the bigger person and make amends.

If she refuses despite his efforts to see her, he should write to her and tell her he is for her, that he loves and will listen when she is ready.

He should continue to send presents, cards and things to his grandchildren in the meantime.

Respecting her choice not to see him, but telling her he is there in an indirect non confrontational way is all he can do now.

Nothing to do with other members I would recommend they stay out of it, it is between them.

He should have listened to her when he had the chance....this situation was a long time coming is my guess.

She should grow up. 32?????

By the way saying she attacked him verbally sounds very aggressive if she was simply upset and sharing the contents of her pain by letter. You would do well to calm things down and not use inflammatory language.

I bet she’s had counselling and the counsellor has suggested she put her feelings in writing. And she has.

Ok.. I wasnt aware of me as manipulating; I thought I fought for them.
I guess I must give up on that and just be there for my husbond.
Thank you all for your replies, it really helped me putting things in perspective, as I truly thought family would stick together and help eachother in time of need. I dont want to do things worse, so I back down. Thank you again :-)

He didnt close her down. She got up and left and hasnt returned any calls or text or anything. he DID NOT close her down. He is desperate to talk to her...

watchingwithinterest - she suddenly during a dinner just for them 2, read the letter and got up and left. He followed her to her car, begging her for a chance of talking, telling her he loved her etc - and has texted and left messages on her voicemail many times, asking for a meeting, telling her he loved and missed her; and she dont return any of it. Doesnt pick up when he calls. She refuses to talk to him.. It is not him who dont want to talk.. it is her. She just told him all the mistakes he did in the past, and then left and ignored him ever since.

OP, this happened to some friends of mine. Years after a difficult break up, initiated by the wife, their daughter refused to see her father and only communicated by abusive and accusatory texts. The whole thing was kicked off by the arrival of another woman in his life, and the pot stirred by the girl's mother. Supported by the new 'wicked stepmother', the dad simply responded each time with reassurances of his love for her. Other than that, he left her alone. It took a year, but she came round, eventually realising that her mother had been misrepresenting many things. She now has a great relationship with both her parents, and, happily, her wicked stepmother! She was also an adult throughout this time, although a little younger than your husband's daughter.

Encourage your husband to keep the lines of communication open, even if they are silent for now. Wherever the fault lies, your husband loves his daughter and deep down she will know that.

She sounds quite entitled. She was allowed to use the holiday house, but abused her father's trust by having friends there he didn't know about, and allowed them to stay after her family had left the house. That's not on.
Did he have a go at her about that when he found out? And if he did, how long after he had a go at her, did she read him this letter? Could this blow up have been caused because she's pissed off that she's not allowed to use the holiday house now?

She had a husband of her own when her parents got divorced, so she was hardly a little girl who felt abandoned.

She also sounds quite controlling with her husband, although it depends how long he spent on his hobby. He shouldn't have to give it up entirely, but if he was leaving her to look after the children several times a week to do his hobby, he should have cut it down to once a week, and I can understand why she would be pissed off about it if that was the case.

It's not fair to expect other family members to intervene, so all he can do is keep the door open, carry on sending birthday cards etc and hope that in time she'll come back.

Does your husband acknowledge the truth of anything she has said? Would he write her a letter apologising? Not justifying, or explaining or getting cross she has cut contact? Just saying something like

"I am so sorry that you feel the way you do. I've had lots of time to think about what you said and I love you and miss you."

That is probably the most likely way to heal things . . .

Imlateagain - I hope so. But precious time goes from him and the grandchildren. They are both under 6 years and I think after 6 months now they hardly remember him, and if more time goes by, they will be strangers. He loves them. Used to Pick them up from day care often, go to see their things in day care etc.
He really did spend a lot of time - and money - on her daughter and her family and I cant get why she is so angry/sad now. We had good holidays, good times, good laughs. And suddenly out of the blue, that letter and now nothing.
She might be brave as someone said; but not brave enough to have an adult conversation about it. And time goes by and is wasted in nothing..

She hasn't 'lost contact'. She is deliberately avoiding it.

Motoko - no he didnt get angry with her. He didnt mention anything at the time, but next time she asked, he said no as he didnt want "people" there - her respond was, "it is NOT people, it is my friends and they are like my family" - my husbond said "well not my family". She hung up. Next time they came for dinner they were friendly and didnt talk more about it.
The husbond and my husbond did the hobby about 8 times a year, usually 2-3 hours on a saturday or sunday.
plsadvice - he had written letters, called her, texted her..

I think this has obviously been building for a long time. Bizarrely the main thing that struck me was the holiday home. I can completely understand why she might be hurt and upset that s mistake that she made at 19 years old is still being held against her now, as an adult with children of her own.

And with the greatest respect op, you say yourself that you were not the cause of the divorce so if you were not present during that period, you only have your dh’s word regarding how he behaved.

The summerhouse incident was about a year ago.

I never said how he behaved at the time of the divorce?? But I know what have happened since I met him, and he is very much a family man, loves all his children, spend a lot of time with them, he calls her regularly, take her out to dinner, just the two of them, goes to a lot in the day care and kindergarden when something happened there, always inviting them for dinner with us, never miss an invitation at theirs, always helping when he can etc.
And yes she is an adult with children of her own! Ofcource you dont bring people to a holiday house you borrowed - and certainly not let them stay there as you leave yourself. That was about a year ago and she so dont understand why that was not ok. Cause it was her friends...

Well either she's behaved unreasonably, or she is unreasonable. Either way, they're both adults and I don't blame the rest of their family for wanting to keep out of it.

From what you say, she does sound unreasonable. It seems that for you and your husband, this is out of the blue. You did say that the daughter’s husband, I think, describes her as aggressive, so maybe it’s possible she just has her own issues, not directly linked to your husband?
Clearly, the holiday home thing seems to have been a bit of a trigger - perhaps she feels she should just have been able to use this as though it was her own, and that the fact that she can’t, she feels means she’s not being treated as a daughter in the way that her half sisters/brothers are? (Unreasonable of course)
Leaving him a letter and then refusing to discuss anything is not a very mature way of dealing with it, unless he has done something so bad that no reconciliation is possible. The accusations you list, given she was not a young child when he split from her mother, do not seem this bad - especially if, as you say, you have been happily on holidays together, spending time with the grandchildren etc. That’s why it seems that something else has triggered this - either something you don’t know about, or maybe just a tantrum re the holiday home episode.
Either way, it does seem odd that the family won’t intervene, if only just to see why she has suddenly gone down this road.
I agree with others. Your husband needs to keep lines of communication open. Write her a letter addressing each point, and apologising where he should. still send cards, presents to grandchildren, and just for now trust that she will change her mind.

It's not your fight: give your husband sympathy and support but do not meddle. Also, remember that no adult can be forced to have contact with anyone they do not wish to have contact with - and should not be pestered by other people to do so.

’I obviously cant read daughters mind and have no clue why she does this’

Well... you do have a clue. A pretty big one. She spelled out in a letter exactly how she’s feeling. She’s feeling sad.

Even though they are both adults, her dad is still her dad. He is still her adult and she is still his child.

That seems rather extreme, did they trash the place? I would think it would be more normal to allow her to use it on the condition that she doesn't do it again.

And bringing friends to a holiday home you've borrowed is totally normal in our family, although it is considered polite to tell the owner that this is the plan.

They didnt trash it, but it was defenately used.. We dont let other family or friends use it, as we ourselves used it every weekend, every holiday etc. (now we moved and it is up for sale)
We would have let her use it again, if she didnt get so angry about her reaction.
Yes, she easily took all the free holidays, all the benefits her father gave her, and suddenly she turned on him. She herself has a new family, but she regrets that he has, too..
Writing all this, I get a bit angry at her. I think she is spoilt, entitled and not at all grown up. Yes her father left her mother, yes he remarried (several years efter) - but must he not be happy ? She can make a new family, but he has to stay single for his "little" girl?
Sorry - I end this now before I am eaten alive. I really asked if the family should intervene, and I understand most people would not. I am glad, actually, that it is not just his family. And I will let the situation take its course. It is her choice, to ignore her father, and I will let her do it. Thank you again

By not letting her use the Holiday Home, he is saying that he can't trust her.

" I cant get why she is so angry/sad now", she isn't.

This has been building for a while and is mixed with let down feelings stemming from him having more children and the circumstances around that. She didn't verbally attack him, she spelt out her feelings. It's best to do it now because any longer and she would be forced to ignore how she felt because her children would have too much of a bond with him, to break.

Her anger issues might be her not being able to contain it any longer and another aspect of how she felt was now effecting her marriage.

Some of you not understanding might be cultural, on your part.

My youngest DD doesn't speak to my eldest DD. My youngest has a point, so I don't interfere and if it comes between choosing between them, at Family gatherings. I choose my youngest, because my eldest was at fault.

"We would have let her use it again, if she didnt get so angry about her reaction" So his permission came with conditions about her communicating how he wanted?

"She can make a new family, but he has to stay single for his "little" girl? "

She didn't make a new Family, she entered the next stage of her life. You do have to consider the children that you have, even if they are adults, before you embark on more.

That doesn't mean that you don't have more, I was a second wife, but it's the way that it is handled. He didn't do that well. He is her Dad, she thinks he should have, she's angry. I don't believe this has come out of the blue, tbh.

She got really pissed off because he said that bringing people to the house wasnt part of the deal. And that conversation ended with her hanging up on him.

What do you mean by him concidering his first family before making a new? you mean permission? I dont understand - how did he handle it bad?
Ofcourse it is not out of the blue for her, but it is for us.