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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to leave a 15yo and 10yo alone at home?

93 replies

WhatsGoingOnEh · 13/06/2018 23:11

I have two sons, 15 and 10. I don't feel comfortable leaving them home alone for any length of time. I think the 15 yo is old enough to look after himself, but not old enough to also be responsible for his younger brother.

The 15yo feels I'm being overprotective, and that it's a sign I love DS2 more than him, because I'm basically protecting DS2, but not him. (There's logic in there somewhere but I can't find it.)

If I need to go out, I'll take DS2 with me.

AIBU? I really don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatsGoingOnEh · 13/06/2018 23:58

Your responsibility is not just to keep them alive for the time being: it's to give them the skills to keep themselves alive when they come of age and are no longer under your authority.

You're 100% right. In fact, this might be the root of my fears. I don't know if I've taught them anything useful, as I've been so busy cottonwooling them.

I'll definitely think about how I can start teaching them useful stuff. DS1 has got loads of common sense; I have to learn to trust him. I think I've been doing him a disservice, really.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatsGoingOnEh · 14/06/2018 00:05

The weird thing is, I would 100% trust DS1 to babysit for other - even much younger - kids. I know he'd be fun, and sensible, and responsible. So it's maybe just the dynamic between them that's setting me off.

OP posts:
Whitelisbon · 14/06/2018 00:05

I leave my 15 yo with the 4yo twins and the 2yo, in any combination, or all 3 if they're in bed.
I never leave the 15yo and the 12yo together, the two of them bicker and fight constantly, and often get sent to separate rooms. There's a distinct possibility I'd come home to blood, or worse, so they are never left together.

Original poster
WhatsGoingOnEh · 14/06/2018 00:25

There's a distinct possibility I'd come home to blood, or worse, so they are never left together.

It is a common issue, judging by this thread! Selfishly I do feel a bit better that other families have this going on.

I've got the Siblings Without Rivalry book; I really should actually read it.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatsGoingOnEh · 14/06/2018 00:29

Thank you to absolutely everyone who posted, I've loved your comments.

I'm going to:

  1. Work on improving their relationship;
  2. Give DS1 more responsibility, and praise him for it;
  3. Start leaving them alone for short periods (5 seconds), and work up to longer sessions (1 minute) in the next 20 years.
  4. Focus on equipping them with life skills, not just mollycoddling them.

Thank you! I have a plan! This has really helped me.

OP posts:
GinDoll · 14/06/2018 00:37

Haha I thought I was the only one with thr combinations. Glad to know Im not. Iwill leave my 14 year old with my 10 and 8 year olds... or my 10 and 7 year olds but never the 7 and 8 year old. Not for more than a couple of hours... that said 14 year old is often in he house for hours by himself and is perfectly capable of making himself dinner, using the washing machine etc. I'm trying to make sure he has basic life skills. He's also done a first aid course.

BackforGood · 14/06/2018 00:48

I think YABU. Good you are considering moving forward, but not to leave them in early evening, just until your dh got home, or, worse case scenario for 2 hours when you got home isn't helping them learn to be independent. The 10 yr old is almost at an age when you could leave them on their own let alone with a 15 yr old.
You have to start leaving them for short periods of time and build it up.

CadyHeron · 14/06/2018 00:51

Not read the replies, but are you me?I could have written this.
I've a 15 year old and a 10 year old. I'd leave the 15 year old for a bit,but both of them together?! They fight like cat and dog,always bickering, no way would I trust them to be together for longer than 10 minutes alone before they start playing up Grin

user1484167681 · 14/06/2018 00:53

Your plan sounds great!

For what it’s worth, when I was 15 I used to babysit a 10yo, 5yo and 6 month old simultaneously. It was a family I found via my paper round (you could tell who had kids pretty easily!) and they literally accepted me off the street. In hindsight it’s shocking (this was only 12 years ago!) and I can only assume/hope they knew someone who knew me, and enquired about me before offering me the job...

My brother and I (he’s 7years younger) got on well when parents were out- it was calmer knowing they weren’t around to tell tales to, etc. We just got on with our own stuff.

CadyHeron · 14/06/2018 00:54

For example, tonight I had planned to see my friend in town for about 2 hours (6pm-8pm). DH was late coming home. So I didn't go. I didn't feel it was responsible of me to leave them home by themselves.

Just seen this reply of yours. I'm the same, there's no way I'd have done the same either.The 15 year old by himself, probably yes for 2 hours as he'd be capable of looking after himself for a bit.
Leaving the 10 yr old home alone with no parent though as well? No

GiveMePrivacy · 14/06/2018 00:58

I've certainly been happy to leave all of mine in charge of themselves for a while aged 10, regardless of whether there was an older sibling around. They're sensible children and know who to call in an emergency. In your situation I'd expect the 15yo to just be on hand in case the 10yo needed him, rather than be actively babysitting.

I really don't see why you are worried about leaving a 10yo with a 15yo for a couple of hours. You've said no special needs, so for most kids that age, this would be an appropriate amount of independence.

ForgotwhatIcameinherefor · 14/06/2018 00:59

Me three CadyHeron

CheeseyToast · 14/06/2018 01:07

I think you're wise to be cautious. My 15yo babysits other kids and I do leave her in charge occasionally but it does depend on the mood that day, sometimes she is mean and grumpy and I would definitely not leave her in charge.

agnurse · 14/06/2018 01:12

Gracious, I was younger than that when my parents left me and my FIVE younger siblings alone! Even a 10 year old is old enough to not do something stupid the minute no adults are watching.

RockinHippy · 14/06/2018 01:12

My 15 year old has been babysitting since she was 14, YABU

Shadow666 · 14/06/2018 01:18

Weirdly, they might get on better without you there. Mine do.

Audree · 14/06/2018 02:52

A 10 yo doesn’t need supervision for a couple of hours. When I leave my 13 and 9 yo home alone no one is in charge. They do a chore or two and spend most of the time on screens. I think putting one kid in charge isn’t necessary unless the other one is a preschooler or younger.

Graphista · 14/06/2018 03:11

So approach your fears practically.

Teach them both first aid, fire safety and personal safety - though I think this is just normal parenting isn't it?

Wrt them getting along - my siblings and I got along better when my parents weren't there! The dynamic changes - that can be a good thing. We did some nutty things like made each other eat gross sandwiches for dares etc, but nothing genuinely harmful. We also had a LOT of fun, making popcorn, watching movies, making up dances to the latest hits - even my bro (he'd kill me if I told people Grin)

You could start slow - nipping to corner shop, popping to a neighbours then build up to supermarket shop and evenings out.

You can also set ground rules - eg no cooking (to start with), no hot drinks, they don't go in each other's bedrooms, especially when they've been arguing and one decides they need time out. Respect each others space.

Peterrabbitscarrots · 14/06/2018 07:03

Depends on the children and the dynamics. My Dnephews are that age and are always fighting with each other - proper fist fighting that requires them to be separated (I know).

My own DS is 11. I could leave him for an hour or two alone but he’d panic if any longer. I would have stayed on my own from age 10 in summer holidays, though we had good neighbours I could have went to in an emergency.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 14/06/2018 07:10

Your responsibility is not just to keep them alive for the time being: it's to give them the skills to keep themselves alive when they come of age and are no longer under your authority

This ^^ is really good advice!

RoseanneBarred · 14/06/2018 07:19

Start leaving them alone for short periods (5 seconds), and work up to longer sessions (1 minute) in the next 20 years.

But don't rush things, op Grin

Etino · 14/06/2018 07:19

I’m astonished at the responses here! There are at least 2 issues here, one that they don’t have et in and secondly that you catastrophise what night happen when left alone.
Work on both- what do you do when they fight? Intervene, ignore, join in? Whatever it is isn’t working! They’re both young enough to retrain/ grow out of the scrapping so work on that.
Re the catastrophising, I do sympathise, I really do because I was like that when mine were young primary aged, but you’ve got to stop! Has your DH noticed and offered support?

somewhereovertherain · 14/06/2018 07:29

Having read your responses YABU but then we left our 16 & 15 y/o for a week. - grandma does live about a mile a way.

I think you’ll be surprised by them. And you need to trust them and let them grow and develop.

SeaToSki · 14/06/2018 07:29

One techniques that worked for mine, when i started leaving them with just each other was..

The each got to rate each other out of 10 when I got home. If they all scored more than 9, then they all got a treat (ususally extra hour of gaming). If anyone scored below 9 then no one got the treat. It created a nice them working together mentality and made the younger ones realise they had some power in the dynamic which made them less liekly to be annoying for the sake of it.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 14/06/2018 07:29

You can support them to improve their relationship. But it will be better when you’re not there. You can talk them through what to do with strangers, fires, choking

I send mine to the shop together or to do other tasks. My 14 year old sits for all siblings. I pay him a low hourly wage. He steps up to the mark. He likes the responsibility

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