Feel weird about using the term rainbow baby

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Just as the title says I guess, my DD is a rainbow baby, but I find it hard to say for two reasons

It makes me sad to think she could always going to be associated with that loss. She's only 5 months but IMO frigging awesome. I want her to be special because she is special in her self.

Secondly, while what we went through was so tough for us (ovary removal, miscarriage and ectopic scare) I almost feel like there are people that go through so much more heart ache. And that me using the term undermines what they're experiencing/experienced.

But on the other hand, I don't want to airbrush out our miscarriage. It's a part of our journey, I would feel guilty not to remember.

Would you use the term? I obviously don't go round telling people, but trying for another DC often comes up at baby groups and I feel I have to explain as to why I'm nervous of trying again - when I explain they then call her a rainbow baby.

I'm going on a big holiday with the family soon, and they don't know about the miscarriage, I want to tell them but don't know how to tell them without affecting the way they see DD or feel sorry for us..

Or am I completely over thinking things

I don't think you can compare losses and what people go through. To say that a still birth is worse than a miscarriage isn't fair. Its all awful and everyone experiences things differently. A baby lost in early stages is just as wanted and precious as one lost at birth.

We use rainbow as it's a sign of God's promise in the Bible so that's the significance of it to us on a personal level. However, I don't particularly use the phrase... Never feel the need to. I don't think it takes away how special my children are in their own right either.

I guess just go with what you feel comfortable with. Your journey is your own and you get say how it's defined.
Sorry for your loss

That was unclear... I think of my babies as rainbow babies but don't really refer to them publicly as that.

I've just googled the term and see that it refers to a baby that follows a miscarriage or loss. My first pregnancy was a miscarriage and so dd1 is rainbow baby. According to a doctor I spoke to who said a lot of first pregnancies end in mc there must be a lot of rainbow babies about! If you don't like the term don't use it. Congratulations on your gorgeous baby.

I thought I would jump on and give my opinion of what the term means.

I delivered my Son Cameron who was stillborn in August and until that point had never heard of the terms (sunshine, rainbow, pot of gold). In my opinion its a way to talk openingly about your losses to people who you have just met to avoid any upset or embarrassment on their part (since we are all supposed to care how it feels to someone hearing about it for the first time). So when someone asks how many kids you have- which oftens leads to 'awwwww how old' and can start getting awkward its supposed to be easier to say something along the lines of ' a sunshine, angel baby and rainbow'. This is just my take on it and could be completely wrong!! I don't have a 'rainbow baby' but as other posters have said I don't find it offensive and would rather the parent was comfortable talking about all of their children.

I would just like to clear up also that as a mum of a son who was 'born sleeping' full term, I do not see my grief as any worse than parents who have suffered a miscarriage, they may be slightly different experiences but the grief caused is still the same.

Just for those who are mentioning the use of the term in this situation

www.kickscount.org.uk/rainbow-baby/

Kickscount are active here about talking about any form of pregnancy loss, and DD does fall within this category.

We started TTC and were lucky enough to conceive straight away, I had a few comments that as we were now pregnant I should just forget about the dates for my first pregnancy and focus on DD.

When it hit the 1 year date from the loss, it hit me really hard along with other things, but again those that knew acted as though I should over it by now. And that really hurt me.

So at that point I decided I do want to talk openly about our journey, which I will continue to do.

If you dont like it then dont use it. You cant compare losses because someone will have always been through worse or less bad. As people are very individual things can affect them in different ways plus every situation is different. One person may embrace the term Rainbow baby while another finds it annoying.

I used the term when online talking in a forum area on miscarriage, pretty much everyone did and it helped lessen the hurt and guilt to know others were there able to share too. I have also used it when talking to my dc sometimes i have called them 'my rainbow' but they are too tiny to realise and wouldn't understand the reference anyway.

I can't understand why people minimise the loss of a child through misscarriage.

It's not "minimising" for a woman not to feel deep grief and anguish for having a miscarriage. It's fine to feel that way, but it's certainly not unusual not to.

Unfortunately OP some people think that if you get pregnant again it discounts the first baby or babies. That you should no longer grieve or feel any emotion over the first whether it was miscarriage or even with stillbirth i found the attitude. I found that in several friends and family attitudes, it was like 'what are you moaning about, you have your baby now'.

Rather then them considering that you can feel so happy and grateful to have your baby but still feel sad or guilty over the one not there as well.

So at that point I decided I do want to talk openly about our journey, which I will continue to do.

Then you absolutely should, and I hope you weren't offended by my suggestion that you consider not sharing if it makes it easier for you.

@LisaSimpsonsbff no offence taken at all x

I read most of the first page very confused as to what a rainbow baby was being referred to as. For me it reminded me of when pet owners say their cat or dog has crossed rainbow bridge and are in heaven, I thought it was a sweet term for remembering a child you'd lost, not one who was born after a loss of any kind.

I don't think I would feel comfortable using it myself and I'm not sure why. Something doesn't sit right with me about the term. But (now I know what it actually means) I would never say anything negative to anyone who wanted to use it for themselves, so don't see why you should if you don't want to, or shouldn't if you do.

Sorry it came across that way, that's not what I meant. I agree everyone is different and deals with things differently.
I do apologise.

I guess DS is my rainbow baby but I've never used the term and don't think I would either. My first baby was very premature and born with a heart defect, he died at 21 days old. People refer to him as my "angel baby" and I don't like that either. I don't believe in angels or heaven or anything so angel doesn't feel appropriate for me. He's just my baby that sadly died and that's what I tell DS. He has a brother who died, not an angel brother.

It's just one of those things that I think brings people comfort to use the term to acknowledge what they've been through without having to delve in to detail. Works for some people but not for me personally. I'd never ever judge someone for saying it though, we all cope in different ways.

Crumbs I have just realised both my dss are rainbow babies. I have never thought of them in this way, and doubt if I ever will. I had three miscarriages. If i hadn’t had them I wouldn’t have the lovely boys that I have now, but it was awful at the time. Just awful.
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I think if you want to mention a miscarriage or stillborn then you might be better doing so in a more straightforward way as I suspect most people wouldn't know what you were talking about. I've only heard the term on MN and although I know it's used elsewhere I can't think that I have encountered it. Using the term RB is just going to confuse people.

My DD is a rainbow baby but I have only ever used that phrase with my 2 closest friends who are aware of the loss I went through before. When she was a baby she came home from hospital in a rainbow babygro and I have bought her clothes with rainbows on since but only because that's now her 'thing' rather than because I want to keep labelling her as such. I like the term because I was in a really dark place before I had her and the symbolism really represents how my life has changed since she arrived, it's twee but it comforts me.

I think if you want to mention a miscarriage or stillborn then you might be better doing so in a more straightforward way as I suspect most people wouldn't know what you were talking about. I've only heard the term on MN and although I know it's used elsewhere I can't think that I have encountered it. Using the term RB is just going to confuse people.

OP is clear that she isn't using the term herself - other people are - so she's not going to confuse anyone.

Where I'm from a 'rainbow' kid is a kid from a LGBT family. I've never heard it used the way you've said here.

I suppose my 13 year old is technically a “rainbow baby” but I hadn’t heard the term until quite recently and wouldn’t use it anyway as I find it a bit twee
However, having been through the Hell that is a late Mc I think that women should use any language they want when trying to deal with it

I have never heard this term before. I associate "rainbow baby" with people being racist about mixed-race children.

I've only ever seen the term on here and while I understand why some would would see their baby as a ray of sunshine after a loss, I think it's a twee term. I just don't think it needs to be named full stop. A baby should never be a replacement for another.

I had two miscarriages, one a twin, and then had my youngest but while I've called him my bonus baby to dh as we both nearly died at the birth, he isn't a rainbow baby. We wanted another child. Not that we wanted another child as we'd lost one.

I think some people are minimising the loss of a miscarriage on this thread tbh. Saying “I don’t think it should be used for an early miscarriage” - is that your decision to make? As for having it printed on clothes, some of the ££ that Mothercare make from these items is donated to Tommy’s which can only be a good thing.

I took a long time to physically recover from my miscarriage - 4 weeks off work, medication, surgery, infection. In fact, I recovered quicker physically after giving birth to DS2. It’s not just the emotional side which leads people to use the term

I’d never heard the term until I came on here shortly after DS1 died at a few hours old. As soon as I had recovered, we got straight on with conceiving another baby - and DS2 was born 16 months later.

There is no doubt that conceiving DS2 was therapeutic and we deliberately did it for that reason. I was grateful for the term ‘rainbow baby’ because it meant I was allowed to think of him in those terms. To a neutral onlooker, it might sound a bit immoral to have a baby just to make yourself feel better after a loss, so to know that there were other people out there who accepted what we were doing and regarded it as normal, and had even come up with a sweet phrase for it, made it feel right.

I don’t think I ever used the term out loud - it’s a bit cutesy for me - but i’m glad it exists.

DS2 is 5 now. He’s not my rainbow baby anymore- he’s complete and entire within himself. I’m happy he’s here because he’s him, not just because his brother isn’t here.

Whilst I don't use the term I disagree that it can't be used for miscarriage as some are suggesting. My son was a late miscarriage, 3 weeks later it would have been a stillbirth. The changes in terminology matter because of the legalities and administration surrounding births after 24 weeks, but in terms of the hurt, emotion, grief and the physical process (I had to labour and deliver him and he looked like a baby, albeit tiny) i can't imagine feeling any more upset than I already did if he had been 'stillborn' 3 weeks later. Certainly the hospital and charities who supported us treated us the same as if he had been a true stillborn. I can't comment on earlier miscarriages as I haven't experienced one but I certainly don't think you can put a limit on grief dependent on the gestation or terminology applied to your loss.
We all feel things differently.

DTs are technically rainbow babies but it's not a term I like or want to use. However, I have NO issue with anyone using it.