Feel weird about using the term rainbow baby

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Just as the title says I guess, my DD is a rainbow baby, but I find it hard to say for two reasons

It makes me sad to think she could always going to be associated with that loss. She's only 5 months but IMO frigging awesome. I want her to be special because she is special in her self.

Secondly, while what we went through was so tough for us (ovary removal, miscarriage and ectopic scare) I almost feel like there are people that go through so much more heart ache. And that me using the term undermines what they're experiencing/experienced.

But on the other hand, I don't want to airbrush out our miscarriage. It's a part of our journey, I would feel guilty not to remember.

Would you use the term? I obviously don't go round telling people, but trying for another DC often comes up at baby groups and I feel I have to explain as to why I'm nervous of trying again - when I explain they then call her a rainbow baby.

I'm going on a big holiday with the family soon, and they don't know about the miscarriage, I want to tell them but don't know how to tell them without affecting the way they see DD or feel sorry for us..

Or am I completely over thinking things

My friend had a stillbirth and is fully embracing the rainbow baby term. I don't understand why it's such s problem for some people. It's not like she's going to burden her new son with the fact that he's fixed the hearts of his family (including older siblings) and put any unnecessary pressure on him; he'll just be the fourth child in the family and will always know about the sibling who didn't make it. But if it helps her to think of him as her rainbow after a storm, then what harm is she doing to anyone?

I personally don't use it if I manage a (fingers crossed) successful pregnancy. I am open about my miscarriage but feel the same way as you about not wanting to associate a child with loss. I also think it can seem as if you are trying to invite conversation about the subject, which I personally wouldn't be.

It's tricky because I think it's really important to aide awareness of miscarriage and how common it is, and I really appreciate people being open about their experiences, but I personally don't really love that term.

Maybe "fixed" is the wrong word; they'll always grieve the loss of their baby. But their little one is helping them heal and has made them all very, very happy and grateful.

I've only recently heard it to describe early miscarriage. I always thought it referred to a later loss. But if someone relates to it and wants to use the term does it really matter to or affect anyone else?

I’ve never heard the term before. My DDs know that I had a fairly late miscarriage in between them but I hadn’t gone into specifics - my DD2 was quite upset for a while when she did the maths and realised that she was conceived during what would have been the later part of that lost pregnancy so would not have been here if it had gone to term iyswim.

I think about it sometimes, in a quiet corner of my mind - due date would have been my dearest Grandfather’s birthday, which makes it a memorable date.

I was a bit meh about the “rainbow term” but each to their own. Then I read forum posts about “rainbow bridge” and pets and animals that have crossed there? I was a bit wtf, I get it may (now) be a common term but I can’t hear it without thinking about some woman talking about her rabbit crossing the rainbow bridge (and me thinking it was an actual place!) It just belittles the grief heartache and sadness I went through. So yanbu. But in times of heartache a woman can call her bundle whatever the fudge she likes as long as she loves it and squishes it.

@BanginChoons

Love your username.

"Why would we not want that"

I can see why parents might want it, but I can also see why the child might resent it, hence my horror at it being printed on clothes.

Please don't get me wrong, I am by no means saying the term shouldn't be used. And I'm not saying one type of loss is worse than another.

If using it helps someone come to terms a bit better with the heartbreak that certainly isn't for me or anyone else to question or judge.

What makes me uncomfortable is people using it in RL for DD when I haven't used the term.

And the loss certainly wouldn't 'hang over her' - The miscarriage is part of my journey not hers.

My DS2 was stillborn and I used baby loss forums a lot for a while after he died so I've heard the term a lot.

I don't like it.

It's a cutesy name for a fucking lifelong traumatic event. I like a bit of twee in my everyday life but not for this.

But I'd never say anything to someone else who used it. If they like it, if it gives them comfort, then go for it!

@ Lighthouse

Thanks!

Tbf I don't really get the printing on clothes either. But I have pictures of my daughter up in my house. They know she happened. I don't think my boy is aware he is my rainbow as I never call him it. I just feel it you know?

She's only 5 months - at that age personality is only visible to those closest. In a few months time, she will start to tell the world exactly who she is. And rainbows won't come into, as there will be so many other stories to tell.

I've only just realised I was a rainbow baby - my mother had a baby a year before me who died soon after birth. That term never existed in my childhood, and in fact she never officially told me; I just discovered it semi-accidentally one day.

I think I would absolutely hate to have been known as the rainbow baby. So far as I'm concerned, I'm a person in my own right, my parents wanted me in my own right. I don't exist in terms of my deceased brother, or purely to help my parents get over his loss.

I hate the term rainbow baby. My miscarriage and my dd are things I want to keep very separate. Plus I find the term very very twee. Not even taken in that it included still birth! Thought it was just miscarriage. Even less keen to use it (and don’t).

@BanginChoons

Yes I think there's a big difference between using the term personally and actually telling it that way to your DC. Each to their own but I think for me, a child might feel a bit like they are carrying a burden? It's not a case of wanting to erase history, but "rainbow" adds weight somehow. I only heard it on MN though, never heard anyone say it IRL.

Personally I don't like the term and I wouldn't use it. My friends lost their three day old baby to cot death and do refer to their subsequent three children as their rainbow babies. And after such an unimaginable trauma who are we to have any opinion on it. Congratulations on having your little girl. Enjoy every moment

I've never heard the term before, and I agree with pp that it sounds mortifyingly twee, in a situation where it's horribly inappropriate.

I was a baby born after a stillbirth. I suspect my mother would never have spoken again to anyone who referred to me as a 'rainbow baby'.

YANBU. Don't use the term, change the subject if someone else uses it. I don't think for a second that not using it is airbrushing out your miscarriage.

Op "What makes me uncomfortable is people using it in RL for DD when I haven't used the term"

Oh yes, that would horrify me too.

@lighthouse

He is still always going to be the child who came afterwards though. I'm not sure how actually referring to him as a rainbow would put a burden onto him compared to not caĺling him it? I get the feeling I may be missing something..

Apologies if someone has already mentioned this: it’s not a term I’ve heard in real life, so it’s possible you might get people questioning it, asking you to define it. No reason you should, of course, but might be worth thinking how you’d feel / respond?

I wish you lots of wonderful years with your baby

I think it was never about labelling your daughter really, it's just something people say in that awkward space after your mention your loss. It's a way for them to acknowledge the child you've lost without intruding with awkward questions. It is so difficult to know what to say and so easy to get it wrong.

Take it in that spirit. You don't have to put it as a burden on your 5mo or decide whether to label her with that term yourself. If you really hate it then tell them, if not just take it as the attempt to acknowledge your other child. And crucially, of course, you don't need to use the term "rainbow baby" to talk about your miscarriage. Just do it anyway.

"Op "What makes me uncomfortable is people using it in RL for DD when I haven't used the term"

Oh yes, that would horrify me too."

Oh yes I agree. It should be your call.

I lost my daughter at 20+2, she was going to be my rainbow but her little heart stopped during delivery.
If and when I have another baby I will call them my rainbow. She/He will be some thing bright and beautiful after a very dark stormy time.

It does associate them with a loss but to me it also feels like a way to keep the memory of daughter alive.

I do understand some people dislike it but personally I like it.

I think it's fine to use it or not to use it. There's no right answer. FWIW, in German (where 'regenbogenfamilie' or 'rainbow family' is a more common term), a 'rainbow baby' sometimes means the child of someone in a same-sex relationship. I have family who're German and initially thought of that.

I think people are probably just trying to say something positive when you tell them about previous miscarriages. I've had someone tell me about previous losses before their current baby and used the term, because it seems like a nice way to comment positively on the outcome whilst still acknowledging the loss.

I honestly don't think you need to tell people about your journey to your baby though unless you actually want to. I'm wondering if you perhaps need to talk about things a bit and perhaps should find a good avenue for that (I don't mean that unkindly) so that when people talk about your baby you can just focus on his/her story?

I sometimes call my child my rainbow baby (I'd never explain to her what it means - at least not till she's an adult) because to me it just makes me feel happy. She's a thing of colour and beauty and joy and saying it out loud (only to my husband) reminds me of how lucky we are to have her.

@BanginChoons I think Bibesia explained it better than I can