Feel weird about using the term rainbow baby

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Just as the title says I guess, my DD is a rainbow baby, but I find it hard to say for two reasons

It makes me sad to think she could always going to be associated with that loss. She's only 5 months but IMO frigging awesome. I want her to be special because she is special in her self.

Secondly, while what we went through was so tough for us (ovary removal, miscarriage and ectopic scare) I almost feel like there are people that go through so much more heart ache. And that me using the term undermines what they're experiencing/experienced.

But on the other hand, I don't want to airbrush out our miscarriage. It's a part of our journey, I would feel guilty not to remember.

Would you use the term? I obviously don't go round telling people, but trying for another DC often comes up at baby groups and I feel I have to explain as to why I'm nervous of trying again - when I explain they then call her a rainbow baby.

I'm going on a big holiday with the family soon, and they don't know about the miscarriage, I want to tell them but don't know how to tell them without affecting the way they see DD or feel sorry for us..

Or am I completely over thinking things

I've just realised that I'm a "rainbow baby", although have obviously never been referred to as that as it seems to be a very recent term to use. I'm not sure how I'd have felt to be labelled as a rainbow baby to be honest. Like others have said, it constantly links the child to sadness and it seems more focused on the parents' wants and needs rather than recognising the child as an individual.

Personally I don't like it and wouldn't ever use it. I can't really put my finger on why. I don't think you have to tell anyone anything you don't feel comfortable doing - don't feel obliged to share if you don't want to.
Sorry for your loss op

Of course YANBU. You don’t have to use the term if you don’t want to. DS2 was conceived very soon after I had a miscarriage. I bought one of the mothercare rainbow baby vests. I think it is a sweet term and it gives me comfort, that’s all. I didn’t want to forget the baby we lost. He certainly won’t be defined by it, just like he won’t be defined by being the second child, or a little brother to DS1. He won’t be told about the miscarriage until he is much older, if ever! I also don’t go round just telling people but I have mentioned the miscarriage on a rare occasion if I think it’s appropriate- I think it’s important to talk about baby loss.

Some of the comments on this thread are a bit It doesn’t link my DS2 to “sadness” at all, the 3 months since he was born have been the happiest of my life.

Each to their own!

there's nothing beautiful about a pregnancy after a loss to me, it's a thing of terror and despair mostly.

^this unfortunately was the case for me too, when I had dd2 after losing twins well into my second trimester and almost not making it myself, every second of that subsequent pregnancy and birth was beyond anxious. When dd2 was born 2 separate and genuinely well meaning people bought those rainbow type clothes things. One was a bodysuit for Dd2 and one was for Dd1 calling her a sunshine baby (apparently a child before stillbirth or pregnancy loss) and although I know it was meant so she didn't feel left out I really didn't like it. Partly I felt it minimised what she had experienced watching her mother almost bleeding to death before someone could get her away while DH got me to hospital and then the anxiety she felt later when I went in to have her baby sister, would we come home again. Partly I'm not Micheal Fish and responsible for weather babies but I realise this second one is probably unkind.

I have "rainbow twins" - They were born following the neonatal death of their older brothers (also twins) I think the term is a bit twee and not really me so I don;t use it - I don't take offence if other people do but I think my girls are their own people and don't want them to be labled in this way. I used to just say they were the only children I had at home but weren't my first pregnancy and leave it at that. Or, just say that I had a very stressful and difficult pregnancy (that part is totally true too!)- Close friends obviously found out the whole story but I jut didn't like using the term.

As others have said, when you are out of the baby stage I think it matters less- Congratulations on your DD and have a fab holiday.

It sounds to me as if you need to share with people you love and trust about your loss, which was significant and medically complex, and also traumatic.

That’s ok. It’s a big thing that happened to you and it isn’t a dirty secret!

You’ll find people will be understanding about it. It takes nothing away from the obvious joy you have in your daughter, it just...explains things for you.

In my experience, it changes you, losing a child sometime before, at, or after birth. It’s happened to me and most of my friends, too. Sadly it’s all too common.

The thing is, whenever it happens, early, or late, it doesn’t take away the hopes and plans you had for that child. And on balance, while it’s possibly not as traumatic as a stillbirth etc, if it’s fairly early, you have that awkward phase of not having told anyone, but being devastated and not being able to tell anyone why, which is really weird and difficult to express and which is why it’s worth just telling people you trust what’s happened if this is the situation.

Please don’t feel like your loss is less worthy of grieving or remembrance than any other or compare to others, as it is specific to your family.

From someone who has been there, I send you many xx

I suppose my dd could be described as a rainbow baby, in that she was born after we had a miscarriage, but tbh, I'd never thought of her in that way. She was just a baby in her own right, not defined by our previous loss in any way.

I wouldn't judge anyone for calling their child a rainbow child, if that helped them to make sense of some kind of loss. However, I hope that people would be sensitive about using the term when talking to others. I absolutely agree with those who say that miscarriage shouldn't ever be lumped together with stillbirth or the loss of a young child. They are all losses, and of course, everyone has a right to grieve. However, the loss of miscarriage is not of the same magnitude and it would be disrespectful to imply otherwise.

I hate the term with a passion. I have a friend though who sadly lost her 2nd daughter at 1 week old due to a fault at the hands of the hospital.

She happily went on to give birth to another daughter a year later who she names as rain, her bedroom is decorated in rainbows etc you get the idea, I feel mixed emotions that my friend is finally in a place she can celebrate giving birth again and has another daughter, but also feel for the little girl as she will always be associated with her deceased older sister.

I dont particularly like the term for my own reasons as ive yet to have a rainbow baby myself after 7 mc's but I would keep my opinions to myself if I knew someone used the term.

OP I wonder if one of the reasons you feel uncomfortable with using the term is that, generally in the U.K., people still don't talk about pregnancy losses that much and particularly not miscarriages in the first trimester when, often, very few would know you are pregnant. So, you are talking about a difficult topic which you have experienced recently and with a group of people you may have only just met and in possibly quite a public forum. I found it extraordinary after each of my DC were born how people I'd only seen a couple of times before in my life but were as desperate as I was to make friends would ask my incredibly personal questions in the middle of a queue in Starbucks.

It''s an the same time a silly and heavy label to affix a baby.

I'm sorry to all the people on this thread who suffered such profound losses

I don't like the term either, as to me it harks back to the days when mothers were advised to 'have another baby' to get over the loss of a child. Each baby who is lost was an individual and unique and therefore irreplaceable.

I don't think people should use it to describe other people's babies but if the parent themselves uses that term then that's their choice.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

I agree with you, I hate the term 'Rainbow Baby' and I hate 'Angel Babies' for the two that I lost.

I have a stillborn son, a daughter who died neonatally, and now another son. I will tell people he is our third child.

I can't deal with the flowery language and euphemisms and I don't like the implication that 'rainbow' carries IMO, so if people use it to describe him I say no, we don't use that term for him (or angel for the others) it's not how we feel.

People can use it for their own children and I wouldn't tell them not to, but it's not for me and mine.

I had three miscarriages before ds and I wouldn’t use the term but it doesn’t mean I don’t think about my miscarriages or feel incredibly grateful and joyful that I finally got my baby. If other people find comfort from the term it can only be a good thing

Also hate the term for reasons given

Can't believe it's on baby clothes! Imagine seeing your baby pics and asking your folks about it.

i think you just say that you had a miscarriage before her. Rainbow to me is a twee way to describe a still born child, not a miscarriage at an earlier stage, regardless of how traumatic.

Sorry for your loss.

I know many people who are quite matter of fact about miscarriage when they mention it, talk of rainbows would make me think they had had a child who died at an advanced stage of pregnancy.

I'm so sorry for being ignorant here, but I thought rainbow baby referred to the lost child, so I'd be utterly confused.

You have a wonderful - friggin awesome in fact - 5 month old DD. Your struggle and your losses on the way won't impact on her. You will keep your memories, your losses and your experiences in your heart and gradually learn that the two are not connected. Avoid conversations at baby groups about having your next, or simply reply - this one is enough for me right now. You don't need to give your history.

I find people, especially new mums say the most insensitive things, especially at baby groups because nobody really knows each other and you've only got a baby in common!

All the best to you and yours - don't stress too much, if people use the term they use it, but I'd probably say - actually I don't particularly like that term. DD is called... Gertrude... I am going to feel so bad if she is :D

i bloody hate the term. its mawkish and childish. I have had losses, i've never felt the need to refer to my living children in any way related to them.

I think you hit the nail on the head there @squidgesquodge and Thank you @PossiblyPFB your words really sum it up 💜

I don't get it where people are saying that a rainbow baby will "always be associated with the one that was lost". Surely it's the same whatever label you stick on it. My boy who came after, he's the one who taught me to live again! Association with my stillborn daughter is something we want to have, she is part of us! Why would we not want that? Sadness will always be present in our family. It doesn't attach to my subsequent children just because I happen to call them a rainbow!

Cannot abide this term

@RebeccaWrongDaily and @lardymclardy "rainbow" is used to describe the living baby born after a loss, because they are the beautiful thing that has come along after a bad time, comparing the loss of a child to a terrible storm and the new baby to a rainbow that comes after it.

I'm not even entirely comfortable typing that because it's so alien to how I feel about my losses and my living son, but if someone talks about their rainbow, the 'rainbow' is the child born after a loss. The lost child would most likely be called their 'angel' which again is not a way I feel comfortable in using for my children.

Currently pregnant with one but I'm not keen on the term either. It means finding beauty after a storm (I think) and I don't like to think of the son we lost as a storm. He is immeasurably dear to me and I wish life dealt him a better card. I don't disrespect anyone who uses it though. We all cope with grief differently.

I hate the term.
I do think it’s a useful term on an Internet forum where it’s well understood - and quick shorthand to fill in other posters that you have had a difficult history.
But it doesn’t need to spill into real life, because in real life your friends will know, and new people you can tell.
I’d rather say my IVF child followed 2 miscarriages. No need to talk about twee rainbows!

I’d someone else finds happiness in the term - fine. I would post what I’m saying now if someone here just used it, rather than specifically invited opinions.

What I particularly dislike is that o think it implies a kind of “everything’s OK now! Rain has gone, we’re all good and happy”.
No. I am incredibly lucky to have had a baby after miscarriages and I feel so grateful for that. And of course the pain has diminished over time, and my child is part of that. But no, she’s not just this happy colourful appearance that has totally wiped out all the hurt that went before.

I think the term perfectly describes what my dc3 is to me. She won’t be defined by it when she is older but to me, she really is the light at the end of a storm. The 12 months before she was born were some of my darkest days and she kept me going, now she’s here, I’ve never been happier. I didn’t even want a 3rd dc until I had a surprise pregnancy which I had a MMC at 13 weeks. Then an incredibly difficult pregnancy with her, losing her twin, huge bleeds throughout, pre-e and then a massive PPH. It’s a term I use to cope and it shouldn’t effect anyone else.

I have to say I have only used the term on the internet, never in real life.

But for me, he really did make the sun shine again after the loss of his sister. She was not the storm, losing her was. He was born 2 years later and was the beginning of something new, that's when I began to heal.