Miserable sahm

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I’ve posted in relationships about this, but also posting here for traffic.

I am a sahm. This wasn’t really by choice as I was made redundant while on maternity leave with dc1 and now can’t find a job.

I have a decent degree, but also a strange career history due to following dh’s job about the place and now a 3 year gap. Employers don’t seem especially interested and I can’t blame them. I’ve only ever worked as an admin / office support, so no particularly impressive or unusual skills.

Anyway, I am so unhappy and I’m concerned it is starting to effect our two children. I haven’t got anyone to talk to about it, except my husband, who is very busy with work and equally busy when at home as we have two very young dcs, including a 4mo.

I’m just feeling very lonely, as I have no family support, no ‘proper’ friends and no job. Dh’s family aren’t in touch very much and there is some favouritism towards his sibling and the gc on that side, which is a little hurtful.

I am so miserable and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m struggling not to show it too much in front of dcs, but it’s difficult. I hate being like this and I really fucking hate the really fucking stupid choices I’ve made which have led me here.

Has anyone else had this and just got over it?

My last thread was about me wanting to move to one of my home countries as I thought I’d be happier there. DH doesn’t want to and maybe it’s too drastic anyway. One or both of us would need to find jobs there too, but since DH isn’t interested then he obviously isn’t looking. I can look, but then DH wouldn’t come with me even if I, by some miracle, got a great job. So it’s a no go.

I feel your pain. Is there any chance of re-training?

Thanks @tumble.

Yes, we can afford for me to retrain, but I’m very wary of more education unless I think there’s a good chance of a job afterwards. I have been thinking about a legal secretarial qualification or a bookkeeping one. I have more experience of legal admin, but then bookkeeping may be more sought after.

I think my life looks lovely from the outside. Maybe I need the famous MN grip handed to me!

Sorry you’re feeling this way.

Could you take on some voluntary projects to help build your CV? Admin is actually valuable experience to have so don’t downplay it! Could you study or take a course to brush up on some new skills? How about applying to work in a local bank? Or just take an evening job in retail/ a restaurant just to get some independence? What would you ideally like to do if you could choose a career? Do you live in a rural area or near a big town?

Do you do any mother and baby groups so you don’t get too lonely during the day? Is there anything in the area you could go to?

Maybe you could sit down and make a plan of action/ brainstorm some ideas. Talk to your husband about it and explain he needs to support you with it.

you have 2 different problems:
one, you are lonely. The solution is obvious and to meet people, which is easy with kids and all their clubs, groups, mums meetings, mums classes and so on. Other mothers are just people, not a difference specie, you will meet good and bad ones. Your first common point will be the children, but when you pass that, you can actually make friends.

Second problem, you sound bored and don't feel useless by the sound of it. Do you really want to work with a 4 mo? You could find a weekend job, or do bits and bobs during the week - virtual admin are quite in demand everywhere, but retraining sounds a much better option.

I might see about enrolling in a course.

I agree loneliness is probably your number 1 problem here but with little DC try and go to things and meet people. I'm not particularly good at making friends naturally but I've really put myself out there when I was at home with them. I made 1 friend when DD was a tiny baby and I went to a first time mum group. Had a mundane chat shout crappy sleep with another mum and I asked for her number- we are firm friends almost 6 years later. When dd went to pre-school I invited her first little friend to play and asked her mum to stay for coffee. Also still friends 3 years later even though the dc don't play that much now. You really have to force yourself and when you feel less lonely then other things start to look up a bit and time st home passes quicker.

Re. The job - Sorry to hear about the redundancy that sucks. What about some volunteering when your baby is a little bit older to get you back on track? Could you afford nursery or a CM a couple of times a week to give you space to do that or go to college?

Do you have anyone who could look after the children while you volunteer? I'm hoping to work for a women's charity after the children have started school so I've gone back to volunteering to build up my CV and confidence. It would give you a new skillset and help you make friends. If childcare is an issue, could you volunteer at your local playgroup and take your baby with you? Plenty of charities need admin support and it would help you make contacts and help you make friends.

Download an app called MUSH and this will put you in touch with other mums in your area x

Thanks. We did go to a lot of playgroups before dc2 was born and I did make some acquaintances, but it’s all still very polite and tbh, I feel like I’ve had my fill of small talk just now. Probably because I’m so down anyway, I just can’t face it. Especially with the two dcs instead of one. It’s a whole new level of organisation and supervision required. Even seeing dh’s family still sometimes feels very polite and small talky. I saw my dad last weekend and it is just so different to have someone I feel I really know to talk to. Other than dh, there is nobody here. It’s just so different to my own upbringing with granny round the corner and my mum’s school friends still around with their dcs. Modern times eh?

What about building up some freelance work? That's how I fought CV gaps -- is that something your training can stretch to? Even something like a virtual assistant might do even if that's not what you're hoping to stay with.

I’ll look into virtual assistant- thanks.

Op could you be suffering PND? You sound very down on yourself. Your DC is 4months old, surely you don’t want to go back to work right now.

Have a hug from me, there is no way I could be a SAHM because I need adult conversation.

Whilst your DC is tiny I would look at a training course to bring some skills up to date and then start looking for work later in the year. Have a look at job sites for your local area and see what skills come up regularly then decide what you’d like to do.

Also maybe speak to you HV about how you’re feeling.

for you OP (it would be if I could come and share it with you!)

Feeling lonely and isolated sucks, I know. Same as you, I was planning to go back to work but was made redundant, and I can't find anything now which would pay enough to make it worthwhile - we have twins and don't get any free childcare till January! In the meantime my brain is melting from lack of use and too much Peppa sodding Pig...

My family live several hours away, DP's are round the corner but quite elderly, so can't have the DC very often - they find it hard work (which it is!) therefore I couldn't rely on them for childcare either.

Have you tried your local children's centre? They run lots of classes and groups and there's often extra helpers there to give you a hand! My local ones are lovely, always there to chat. Or could you do something just for you - exercise/ art/ meet up group - if your DH could look after the DC regularly?

Small children can really drain your confidence. Please give yourself a big pat on the back for being a good Mum and go from there

Yeah i would say multiple things, freelance work,volunteer, retrain, find a hobby, maybe try to find a friend (maybe another SAHM that you can talk to, some great apps out there that can help you find people close by)

I’ll look up PND symptoms. Think I’m actually just suffering from a touch of the billy-no-mates though !

My mum died a few years ago and that’s left a bit of a hole too. We’re a grandparent down for a start. Not that she lived anywhere near us.

OP, I saw you mentioned legal secretarial. I have to say (but this is relevant for London which has of course many law firms) is that this is a dying role. As lawyers increasingly do their own typing and become more technologically savvy, the secretarial role is morphing into more of a personal assistant (PA) role with into one secretary assigned to as many as 8 lawyers and the secretary does more mundane stuff like helping lawyers time record, managing their business trips and expense and printing out attachments or doing amendments to documents.

If there is a personal assistant-type qualification, that is more relevant for the future, if you want to work in a law firm.

You are right that bookkeeping is a much better bet. Every company will need a bookkeeper. A legal secretarial role is tied to the number of law or legal-type organisations firms within your radius.

OP, whereabouts are you based?

You've got a very young baby. I do think PND may be part of this, and rushing into a job that'S not really what you want may only compound the situation.

Did you enjoy working when you did it? What was the best job you ever had? What did you enjoy about it? Did you enjoy school, what were your favourite subjects, do you like learning, or are you more practical by nature?

Imagine being a SAHM with a bunch of friends - do you think you would still want to work?

Start by thinking about something you would like to do. Life with small children is tedious, and you can lack time for you. A one night a week evening course about some thing that really interests you would get you out, and you might meet more like minded people who share your passion.

Where are you OP? If anywhere near SE London I'd be happy to meet for a chat. I have a 2.5 yo.

@blue

I’m in the Home Counties. Yes, I did wonder that re legal secretarial roles.

I will look into pnd. I’m not that familiar with the symptoms etc.

If I was a sahm with friends and family on my doorstep, that would be fab! But they all work, even if I did live nearer. My dad might retire eventually, but no plans to move here or us there.

"Admin is actually valuable experience to have so don’t downplay it!"

This - totally! I have a very specialised career I'm intermittently cheesed off with and when I look at other sectors it's all admin roles that I wouldn't get a chance at. You're very employable and could even use your skills in all kinds of voluntary organisations that could create more friendship groups and sense of belonging as well as boosting your experience and confidence.

My advice would be to go to activities and try to mix, even if you don't really feel like it. Try joining the NCT and look up where they are holding local coffee mornings/meet ups or join a couple of classes with your kids (classes where your eldest is 'entertained' for a bit, e.g. tumbletots, etc.). Don't give up on networking with other Mums - you only need a couple of close female friends and you will feel quite different, I promise. However, it does take a while and you have to be proactive!

You do sound low, so first priority could be your mental health and things supporting that, eg rest, contact with people you like and love.

If you plan to stay where you are and to seek to return to paid work you could investigate who the larger employers are and what kinds of jobs there are in your area, and what the entry requirements are likely to be.

Also- maybe it would be worth socialising without the children in the evenings?

You could join a running club/ fitness class/ art class/ knitting / gardening whatever interests you. My husband didn’t have many friends in the area and since joining running/ triathlon club he’s now part of a community and turning down invites!