Miserable sahm

[YourUsernameHistoryB]

I’ve posted in relationships about this, but also posting here for traffic.

I am a sahm. This wasn’t really by choice as I was made redundant while on maternity leave with dc1 and now can’t find a job.

I have a decent degree, but also a strange career history due to following dh’s job about the place and now a 3 year gap. Employers don’t seem especially interested and I can’t blame them. I’ve only ever worked as an admin / office support, so no particularly impressive or unusual skills.

Anyway, I am so unhappy and I’m concerned it is starting to effect our two children. I haven’t got anyone to talk to about it, except my husband, who is very busy with work and equally busy when at home as we have two very young dcs, including a 4mo.

I’m just feeling very lonely, as I have no family support, no ‘proper’ friends and no job. Dh’s family aren’t in touch very much and there is some favouritism towards his sibling and the gc on that side, which is a little hurtful.

I am so miserable and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m struggling not to show it too much in front of dcs, but it’s difficult. I hate being like this and I really fucking hate the really fucking stupid choices I’ve made which have led me here.

Has anyone else had this and just got over it?

My last thread was about me wanting to move to one of my home countries as I thought I’d be happier there. DH doesn’t want to and maybe it’s too drastic anyway. One or both of us would need to find jobs there too, but since DH isn’t interested then he obviously isn’t looking. I can look, but then DH wouldn’t come with me even if I, by some miracle, got a great job. So it’s a no go.

For admin roles you really need Word and Excel/computer based qualifications - employers looking to fill those roles aren't really interest in degrees.

I felt very much like this a few years ago.

I started getting my shit together by helping out with our primary school pta. Having been very lonely i was lucky to make some very good friends throuh that and was chair for a couple of years.

That gave me the confidence to then apply for and get a job as clerk to governors at our local secondary school. It was only a few hours a month but helped get me back into work.

Since January I've been working as a TA in the same secondary school, a job which I only got because they know me as I don't have any relevant qualifications.

Please don't give up! You can do it if I can!

Oh it's so normal and totally ok and rational to have your feelings.
People often advise playgroups and meeting up with other mums with babies as a remedy. I think you need to feed your mind and get your boots muddy again... do something for you that is unrelated to being 'a mother'. Yes, your role is that of a loving mother. But you are you and being a mother is part of you. Feed the other bits of you that need nurturing.
I had PND after one of mine and to be honest, it manifested itself in such a way that the mere idea of facing people in a work space terrified me. I didn't feel ambitious about anything or a yearning for anything. I think you have a yearning to DO more that is for you, rather than just being mum-focused all the time. Nothing wrong with that at all! I don't think you have PND, just the blues from being a bored SAHM (I can relate!).

If you do courses, make sure you do them outside of the house as opposed to online. Get out of your environment and away from your kiddies and just do something that is solely for you, something that you can build on.
The early years can be sooo tedious and draining. It is tough. And we often feel so guilty for not loving every minute of it. But your feelings are totally valid.
How's your sleep? Or more to the point, are your kids sleeping through? Are you up a lot at night?

Thanks all.

I thought about doing MOS qualifications. Maybe that’s worth pursuing?

Sorry you're not having a good time. I agree with some others that it might be great for you if you can find something to do that you enjoy, maybe a course or something where you can meet other people. You will have the course as a focus of your discussions then, rather than small talk about babies sleep, development, etc which is very boring most of the time!

The main thing I've done for myself on mat leave is bible study. If I didn't do that I would probably go to a thing where people meet up and do crafts. I would probably do both but sadly they are at the same time.

OP, check out the Vodafone ReConnect Programme here.

There's also an organisation called Women Returners that's worth looking at. Here's a list of the Returnship programmes they have on their books at the moment, Returners Programmes.

This is a big area for lots of organisations, and there are lots of ways of getting support to get back into work without having to retrain.

HTH.

Have you considered temping and finding an ad hoc nursery? Asking family to help?

OP, as someone who was previously made redundant with young children, I understand the low feeling. It may not be PND, it could just be a result of loss of identity and income and feeling like groundhog day every day, with little adult interaction and marking time till the end of my days.

You may not be like me but IF you are (and many people are satisfied within a purely domestic set up), finding a new job and re-training for it was my salvation. Instant peer group, mind being polished up again, non mindless conversations with children or people I have nothing in common with.

If you are home counties, will you be able to consider jobs in London?

Another downside of a legal secretarial role is that you probably will not be allowed to work remotely. I know bookkeepers that work remotely for a lot of their time.

An admin role which I highly recommend as having career potential is in compliance, for a bank, investment fund or even a law firm. Terms in the job specs like AML, GDPR, conflicts of interest will point to such roles. Even if you cannot commute to London, you might be able to find a financial institution or big organisation that has moved their compliance function to a cheaper location outside London. Temp or maternity cover roles are good places to start.

Bear in mind you have a 4 month old baby. Most women would still be on maternity leave. Use this time to research?

Have a look at doing AAT - it's an accountancy technician course. There are book-keeping courses around, but I have not really come across a gold standard, whereas AAT is recognised. It only goes so far in accounts preparation,but book-keeping is inherent in it. If you like it, you might be able to get a firm of accountants to take you on, to train as a chartered accountant, with AAT as your starting point. Firms do take on non-graduates, train them in AAT and then put them on the chartered pathway.

Anyway, there are so many people in the small business sector, with very little understanding of book-keeping; if you are good at book-keeping (and do payroll), you should be able to work self employed in your own business from home, doing book-keeping services for small businesses and fit it around the children, as they grow up. All you need really is a pc, a desk, a telephone, MS Office (or an equivalent) and an accounts software package (like Sage, Quick Books or whatever) to work at home.

Have you thought about becoming a specialist conveyancer? It sounds like with your background, and especially being a graduate, that it could be something you'd have a talent for, and the field certainly isn't limited to working in solicitors' offices. The CLC seem to be the regulatory body. If the immediate future wasn't what it appears to be, I'd be thinking about brushing up my language skills, perhaps French or German, or even Mandarin Chinese, but that's a whole 'nother thing.

Best of luck with your plans. :-)

Thanks @feisty. My degree is joint honours French and another subject, so that’s quite interesting.

Sorry - replied to just @feisty there without reading other posts. Overexcitable!

This is all really useful. Thanks so much. Feeling a bit less depressed about it.

@YourUsernameHistoryB with qualifications like that the Returners Programmes would be really interested. There is a huge drive to get more women into decent positions in organisations, particularly following the recent Gender Pay Gap results. Once you've made the right connections, you'll be fine.

Also check out recruitment sites like Capability Jane. They focus on people looking for flexible work.

Thanks @due.

For admin roles you really need Word and Excel/computer based qualifications - employers looking to fill those roles aren't really interest in degrees.

I'm an EA with 10 years' experience and actually in a lot of cases employers ARE interested in degrees. I have a first class undergrad degree and an MA.

I don't have either a Word or Excel qualification, just working knowledge of both. I don't know anyone with a Word or Excel qualification, and I know a lot of people working in admin.

How about trying a few temping agencies? However, you might struggle with child-care as temp jobs tend to be ad hoc and unpredictable. Alternatively maybe sign up with a few employment agencies that specialise in office/admin staff - once you get even a few hours a week of paid employment it is much easier to spring-board into a better job.

OP has a degree, so I think she will be ok.

I don’t think temping would really work just now, with the baby. I have found them really good in the past, so I would use them when they are both at school / preschool. But that’s a long time from now.

Goodness it sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

It is so hard with a young family and your smallest one is so small. You may have been out of work for three years but I went back after a 7 year gap at the start of this year, so it can be done.

Short term, How about you have a chat to your Health Visitor and GP and maybe see about taking up a voluntary position at a local playgroup or something to do with the D.C. you might be more likely to meet some friends.

Then think medium term, what do you want to do? How about spending money on a career coach (ask around or do some reasearch for a good one). You could then retrain or sign up with specific agencies to get work.

Recruiters are more and more coming around to dealing with returners to work but get the help you need.

And look at the 2to3 days website they often have Home Counties jobs

Would translation work be an option for you, even if you have to refresh your knowledge? I'm trying to think of something that has potential to expand as your children become more independent; a long-term plan as well as a more short-term answer.

Europe isn't going to go away whatever the outcome of this current shitstorm.

Sadly my second and third languages probably aren’t good enough for translation. The third one is especially ropey! English is my first language (hopefully that’s not too surprising)!

Thank you to all the PP, I've picked up some great ideas!

OP, if you're anywhere near Bucks, they do lots of evening & weekend courses: www.adultlearningbcc.ac.uk

(Not necessarily for qualifications - maybe just to do something you enjoy or fancy trying!)

Do you live near a university? They have a multitude of jobs usually - as well as some fixed term contract jobs which I found good for some retraining on the job as some people aren't interested in a short say year contract etc and certainly for me it worked out well