to ask how do private schools produce such "confident" kids / adults and how I can do it at home?

[dragontwo]

Ok, I have my reservations about private schools, but I recognise that often they produce kids / adults with high self confidence and self assurance.

I want to know how they do this, how they drill this confidence into them, and how I can replicate any beneficial aspects of this at home into my own kid (state schooled)?

What do they say / do / teach that encourages them to be so confident and expect success?

I know there are down sides to everything but I'm just thinking about good ideas I can help my kid. NB I'm no tiger mother and do my best to encourage my kid as it is already but just looking for ideas and general thoughts on how it's done!!

Just curious!

“The sports clubs, library club, art club, drama club, choir etc are free“

No they’re not- they are paid for in your fees.

Lets get this right all schools whether state or private are selective !

I will explain even 'sink ' catchment schools are selective. This being because they are self selecting children within their local community.

Selection whether via academic , societal, cultural or religious means is a fundamental part of any school in England/Wales ! It helps to make communities and schools what they are (long may it continue...)

Anybody stating it is not is 'deluded'.

The idea of schools consisting of the same % of high & low ability pupils and of Black or Asian pupils etc is out of 1984 !

The drawing of lots deciding which school your child went to would equally 'Dystopian' ' in nature . This despite being presented as a force for equality !
This being a proposal/ aim of some posters on here !

I think it starts from the get go. I know a couple who had a child and as soon as they could (a baby) ,the enrolled him in the local Montessori nursery . Now he is 4 and about to move onto junior school. He is incredibly confident,smiley, mostly happy,intelligent and bright. Those traits are imprinted early and i have no doubt they will follow him through life. He will likely start junior school in a more advanced state than others who didnt have that start. Hos parents arent filthy rich. They are JAMs just like most people.

I went to a state grammar. There was no doubt that there were rules, quality education and greater expectations.

No they’re not- they are paid for in your fees

We get a fuck load for a small amount of money then

I remember a poster who used to say that all the extra curriculars at their private school were free.....

Most are, but for a few things they pay someone external to come in and offer an activity, so those you have to pay for.

E.g. Swimming/netball are free, but trampolining/fencing/LAMDA speech and drama lessons are paid additions.

“Most are, but for a few things they pay someone external to come in and offer an activity, so those you have to pay for.”

So you don’t pay fees then?

I went to both private and state schools, we weren't rich, probably poorest there!

Also I am not confident, but I was treated as an individual, we all had our own opinion and tastes,
we were never ridiculed by peers for liking different music etc. Maybe there wasn't so much pressure on having
the right trainers then!

We didn't have many facilities, it was a very small school, but we had a few 'off the wall' teachers, who maybe
taught us to be ourselves, and not to conform?

Re selection- I think Bertrand's point was that ALL Independent schools are socio-economically selective

No they aren't. I am looking at 3 prep schools in a large town and both have children from a wide variety of socio-economic backgrounds. They don't ask you how you will pay for fees. They do like parents who will support their children's learning, and good behaviour, but it takes a lot of very poor behaviour to be thrown out. They all support SEN though you do have to pay more for it. Bertrand earlier indicated that she thought the examples of parents from different socio-economic groups given in earlier posts all fell into the same economic group - say a footballer, a russian tycoon, a gp, a lawyer - but I don't think they do - do you?!

Many private schools outside London will struggle to stay going which makes them less likely to be selective. The schools in London are a different kettle of fish, many are selective because they can be, but they do have spaces which come up. They will be selective on merit but the child's behaviour will be relevant. In relation to most schools how much blue blood they have will not be relevant.

There was a doc about Harrow choosing 2 boys to be scholarship boys and it was clear it was to do with merit but they also took into consideration the child's background, and so potential was also looked at, trying to make it a level playing field. The discussion showed they wanted to give an opportunity to a child from a less privileged background.

Sorry looking at 2 schools not 3.

In relation to fairness, I don't think the current system is fair at all, but nowadays in many areas and for many people, you either pay for education by paying a school or you pay to live in a posh area where there is a decent state school so money is still involved. We looked at a really good state school and found out that that year there were 3 classes of 30 children going into reception (which doesn't sound ideal to me) and property prices in the catchment area were well above average for the area.

Yeah, well. In My Glorious Reign expensive catchment areas would be a thing of the past too........

They don't ask you how you will pay for fees.

No, but they do ask that you pay them. You do understand that that selects out most families don't you?

Bertrand. So you are against children going to their local school then !
If you believe in a true comprehensive system . This being everybody goes to their local school. Why shouldn't the child who lives in a £1 million +house go to a school with children who live in £1 million pound houses . This being the characteristics of a town or area they live in.

No what you want is 'inverse' social cleansing ..

letstalk- using the expression “social cleansing” in this context is incredibly offensive. Go and do some reading, then come back and pose your point in an acceptable manner and I’ll respond.

So you don’t pay fees then?

@BertrandRussell

Of course we pay fees. And for any activity that the school have the resources (e.g. Swimming pool, netball courts) and teachers with relevant training/expertise to run, then it's included.

But so that they can offer a wider range of activities, they pay external people to come in. And I wouldn't want to pay higher fees to subsidise all these activities when my children only want to do one or two -e.g. They do fencing and oboe/violin lessons, but don't want to do trampolining.

There is a difference between 'free' and 'included in what I have already paid'.

@user1466518624 - lots of great SEN provision in DDs private school. Very dyslexic (once described to me by the SEN coordinator as the most dyslexic DC she had ever taught). She's predicted grade 7-9 (grade A-A*) in all her GCSES including English but she is very smart.

If you have a DS who is struggling with dyslexia PM me and I will give you some ideas of what may/may not work. All dyslexics are different and some things worked for her and some made absolutely no difference (eg coloured overlays) lots of her techniques are to find a way around the problem since it's never going to go away!!!
Some ideas are from the school and some are hers or mine

I had a few proper posh friends many years ago these days it's all a very distant memory despite my username and what their families all did was Sunday lunch was a kind of open house, they'd bring along a friend (like me) and we would all sit round the table, eat a cracking roast dinner for 12-15 people and would pretty much have to speak to everyone. Shrinking violets were simply not permitted. If you tried to stay quiet the host would draw you out. It's terrifying the first few times you do it then it becomes easier as your confidence grows. I would say regular interaction with strangers is an important part of getting that confidence.

I did once post that the extra curricula was free at dd's, but as it was in response to extras on a thread about bursaries it was true in the context of the conversation.

Ok Bertrand I apologise . I understand the negative connotations about the word ! However, isn't gentrification just a pleasant word for saying the something. This being whether intentionally or as a consequence of time, an area loses a significant number of a particular social class. The term could also be turned round on itself to describe how a town such as Rochdale has lost all its graduates . This being by them moving south to seek opportunities not available. This is also 'Social Cleansing' in the effect of driving a town the opposite way of 'gentrification'. Ultimately this leading to the destruction of a once proud town . Instead we call this middle class flight which to all intent and purposes is 'Social Cleansing' in reverse.

samething

Cblue. Amazing achievements by your DD but its also down to the school identifying the problem and adapting tailor made solutions.

I have experienced the same thing with my SEN DS, by his private school .

My Dad went to a famous independent day school for boys in the NW in the 60s. Back then it was a direct grant school, so entry was based on academic ability rather than ability to pay fees. His classmates were the sons of people who worked as labourers in the factory his father owned. The school was academically rather than socioeconomically elite

The independent girls day school I went to (at the time the top day school in the NW, and most years vying with Paul's Girls for top spot in the country) was fully private however, the Direct Grant scheme had been abolished. So although it was very academically selective (2 rounds of exams and an interview), there were a limited number of assisted places, so it wasn't as socioeconomically diverse as it would have been in the direct grant days

Now of course the Assisted Places scheme has been abolished, so there's only as many bursaries as the school can afford to offer. The selection is rigorous, but by definition it's from a smaller pool, of those that can afford to pay.

@letstalk2000 - absolutely completely and utterly agree. The school makes a massive difference not just the support and willingness to try different approaches but also maintaining kids resilience and confidence.
It's so easy to give up.

BTW I didn't mention predicted grades to 'big DD up' but to show that good SEN provision can make a massive difference. Also to highlight that there are many selective and non selective private schools that do support SEN not just dyslexia but also autism and ADHD. The poster I suggested could IM me seems to think this isn't the case.

I wish someone would enlighten me on these wonderful schools for SEN as they don't exist where I live.