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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Invisible illnesses on a packed train

55 replies

MsFrizzle · 12/06/2018 18:54

Had a "fun" time on the trains yesterday. Somebody (very sadly) passed away at Chesterfield and sent the entirety of Sheffield station into chaos, just as I was about to get on a London train. It's not a huge issue for me because I didn't have to be anywhere but home, but it is because I was directed to multiple trains missing out Chesterfield before I finally got put on one where everybody was packed in like sardines. I walk with a cane. I have severe rheumatoid arthritis, and somebody was kind enough to give up a seat for me (the little seat that's inbetween carriages if you get what I mean).

A pregnant lady got on with an older lady, presumably mother, grandmother or perhaps other relative? My cane was folded away in my bag because it was a long journey and I can manage making my way to a seat if any open up because there's handles on train seats. Older lady instantly glared at me, looked at Pregnant lady. OL said "aren't you going to get up for her?" looking at PL again. I felt pretty awful about it but I knew I couldn't stand for even the 45 min journey to the next station and however long it took us to get out of our station (20 mins waiting for the OK to get going) and said "I can't stand for that long, I'm sorry". standing and walking is incredibly painful for me but keeping moving is a way to help with flares, which come and go. I don't want to get a wheelchair which is even more cumbersome in incidents like this. OL said "You're young. she's pregnant, you should be giving your seat up for pregnant people" and now everybody else in the crammed space is glaring at me so I took out my cane to show her and she just laughed at me and called me a selfish bitch. I just said "i have arthritis" and she said so did she (herself), but you didn't see her complaining.

PL didn't say anything. She looked a bit embarrassed, but maybe she was annoyed. No train staff had any chance of coming down the aisles so there was nobody to really mention it to. Was I in the wrong?

OP posts:
nervousnails · 12/06/2018 19:06

No you were not. So sorry that you had to explain your condition to some old bitch, in public. As for the others glaring at you, they could have given up their seat! So, balls to them.

Ansumpasty · 12/06/2018 19:11

Of course you weren’t, op. You didn’t even have to explain yourself. Don’t give it another thought!

LifeBeginsAtGin · 12/06/2018 19:16

What would she have done for you were a pregnant lady using the seat?? You were right.

Madhairday · 12/06/2018 19:19

Yanbu at all. She was very ignorant.

Sorry op. Horrible thing to happen.

welliesandsequins · 12/06/2018 19:20

You were right. Although it’s really hard when you’re faced with a situation like that. I have an invisible illness myself so I know the looks etc you get. Quite possibly has osteo arthritis which is an entirely different thing.
Why wasn’t anyone else giving up their seat?

sue51 · 12/06/2018 19:23

YANBU. People are too quick to judge.

Notevilstepmother · 12/06/2018 19:23

Pregnant lady probably has a thread somewhere about her embarrassing mother/ MIL!!

gendercritter · 12/06/2018 19:27

You weren't wrong. There was nothing to stop another able-bodied person volunteering their seat.

I very rarely use the train but I've had to ask occasionally to steal someone's seat. If my stick is folded away and I'm not using my chair I look completely fine. I've only ever had one person be a dick about it but otherwise people have always been very nice. You just had a run in with someone ignorant and gobby.

Maelstrop · 12/06/2018 19:27

I think I would have used the word disabled. You would have been taken more seriously than mentioning arthritis, which many people have but maybe not seriously so can cope with standing etc.

daffodillament · 12/06/2018 19:31

How awful. Some people are just downright rude ! Can you tweet the rail company about this incident ?

siwel123 · 12/06/2018 19:32

Yanbu. Say to them next time how about asking other passengers if it's so important to you.

UrsulaPandress · 12/06/2018 19:34

I have osteo arthritis and can barely walk most of the day.

ScottishDiblet · 12/06/2018 19:37

You were not in the wrong and I’m sorry this happened. I noticed recently at Heathrow there was a sign up outside the disabled loos saying “not all disabilities are visible” (or something like that) and I was really pleased to see that. In London I have now seen “please offer me a seat” badges for hidden disabilities which I think are a great idea.

user1485342611 · 12/06/2018 19:37

She was just ignorant and PL should have done more than just look embarrassed. She should have shut her mother/mother in law right up. I suspect she was one of those people who go through life gunning for a row. She'd probably have been disappointed if there were loads of free seats when they got on, and she didn't have to make a bit-important-point.
People like that are better just ignored. Forget her.

blackteasplease · 12/06/2018 19:38

yanbu

and what was just as bad as the lady not taking no for an answer from you was all the other people, some of whom must have been able to stand, glaring but not offering their seats.

LilMadAgain · 12/06/2018 19:41

Yanbu. Are you fat too? I'm disabled (crutches) and hideously fat (literally physically cannot exercise, it could kill me) and the looks I get from strangers used to really hurt but now I'm used to it. I'm so sorry your journey sucked. Arthritis is a git!

dailymailaredicks · 12/06/2018 19:44

I have difficulty standing for any period of time. Train travel is not an option for me for this kind of reason. I also have a wheelchair but can't get on trains as wheelchair assistance is so unreliable.

I'm pretty sure I read somewhere there is a badge similar to the underground 'I'm pregnant' badge for those with unseen disabilities. I'll have a dig around my internet history and see if I can find anything.

Wolfiefan · 12/06/2018 19:44

Wow. How awful. You were not even slightly unreasonable. Of course you weren't.
She may have arthritis. So do I. But very mildly (as many older people do). I can't run but I can walk. Certainly don't need a cane. That's completely different from your condition.
Shame none of the glarers gave up their seats as an able bodied person instead of making you feel uncomfortable.
Flowers

PurpleDaisies · 12/06/2018 19:46

A unanimous thread!

You weren’t being unreasonable at all.

dailymailaredicks · 12/06/2018 19:46

Found that easier than I thought I would

tfl.gov.uk/campaign/please-offer-me-a-seat

erinaceus · 12/06/2018 19:51

Have you come across this?

tfl.gov.uk/campaign/please-offer-me-a-seat

It is TfL specific but might convey what you are trying to convey without you having to explain yourself, on a transport network run by any provider, or your rail company might offer something similar.

erinaceus · 12/06/2018 19:52

Oops, x-post.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 12/06/2018 19:53

what a disgusting attitude, (hers not yours OP). Presumably there were other seats in that train, she just picked on you because you seemed young and obviously nice.
I would have told her to jog on.

I hate this attitude of people demanding a specific seat, they have no way of knowing if the person using it really needs it. A general request is much better. I traveled obviously heavily pregnant standing up, next to my DH who had a seat, the train was packed. He got a few "tuts", but no one offered me a seat! He just came back from surgery and needed the seat more than me that week... People don't know, but if they have an opinion they are free to give up their own seat. If they don't, they can't shut up.

Never feel sorry for being lucky enough to have the seat you need.

Daddystepdaddy · 12/06/2018 19:54

Just an ignorant person but perhaps you could have headed it off at the pass by making it clear that your condition was serious. "Arthritis" is a broad term that covers a range of severities. Unfortunately as someone with an "invisible" condition you will have to tell people sometimes that you have a condition whilst using priority seating or similar. The alternative is that we just allow CFs to abuse the system which I think is worse.

OnlyaMan · 12/06/2018 20:00

If I was in this difficult situation, I would not fold my walking stick, but keep it visible as a sort of "badge". It is a shame that you may have to do that, but it would save many problems.