To expect my twins to be kept together

[Blazingspeed]

Due to start reception in September. School has put them in separate classes without consulting me.
What do I do now? They won’t do well without each other, especially just starting out

[avado]

They might thrive together now. And you might like seeing them together as infants.

I know that my sis relied completely on me. Constantly told to look after each other, constantly being dragged down with pressure to make sure she was ok, we aren’t twins but close births together meant we went the whole school system in primary we were in the same classes.
I couldn’t have my own independence. My parents still told me to look after my shadow until we were adults, I finally felt like I broke free as an adult. We hardly speak to each other now. She resents me now for constantly helping her even though I was forced to.
I really wish that we had been separated appropriately. Two twins are two independent people. They should be treated as such. I would advise you to seek professional psychological assessment to prove that they should be put together. This is because I doubt any professional will agree with you. It will not harm your twins to be separated but it will to force them do be codependent.

[BarbarianMum]

Most schools run reception as free flow, so even children in different classes can spend most of the day together.

[Makemineboozefree]

Twin 2 doesn’t help him do things... twin 1 is most capable. Actually very clever. Bit very very sensitive... twin 2 helps calm him.

This is pretty much how my MIL would've described my DH and his twin when they were kids. She fought to keep them in the same class at school and over the course of their education Twin 2 blossomed and made loads of friends while Twin 1, who was a very anxious, sensitive child, simply retreated into his brother's shadow – where he's pretty much stayed ever since. Now in his 30s he still lives at home, doesn't have a partner and has a low-paid job a school leaver could do. He never pushed himself to make friends or be sociable because Twin 2, my DH, did it for the both of them. My DH went off to uni but his twin didn't want to and instead visited him every weekend because he couldn't function without him. MIL now wishes she'd separated them when the school wanted her to, because he has such a sorry life. It's a sad, cautionary tale that shows why schools encourage twins to be independent of one another.

[MarthaArthur]

girlwhowearsglasses thats interesting is the research easy to find? And i wonder if the twin bond is largely just due to how they are raised ifyswim? So always together sleep im same room are treated identically or do you think its something more than that? Like a hardwiring in the brain or something?

If op is that uncomfortable the only thing to do is talk to the school about her concerns and maybe see how they get on for a bit. I had severe ocd anxiety and attachment issues as a child and screamed the building down for weeks. After that i loved school so maybe it will be similar for ops boys.

[Girlwhowearsglasses]

Ok here is the specific document for schools to consider when placing twins

And

[[https://www.tamba.org.uk/Parenting/Primary/Separation here is TAMBAs page on what you should consider with your twins.

They consider that no school should have a blanket policy on this.

Yes twins are separate people and this is why it must be considered whether it may be that they benefit from each other’s company - whats best for them both?

[Girlwhowearsglasses]

Sorry www.tamba.org.uk/Parenting/Primary/Separation

[FrogPie]

As harsh as it sounds, I would split them up - they will flourish independently and it gives them a chance to be seen as individuals rather than a pair. Plus, they’ll still see one another at playtime and lunch!
Co dependency is a very real issue with this, I’ve seen first hand how damaging it can be for both children in a set even later in life (think 19/20). However YANBU to feel aggrieved that the school hasn’t decided to consult and talk this through with you, perhaps give them a ring so you can discuss it/put your mind at rest. Good luck.

[WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam]

Great post FlyingElbows

OP I do hope you can read the responses to this thread with an open mind as you seem a little defensive, but it’s always best to be willing to consider other points of view and other people’s experiences when you’ve asked for advice.

[youngestisapsycho]

If a school only has one class per year then they would be together anyway. My DDs old primary has 3 sets of identical twins that have gone all thru school together in the same class as there wasnt any other option.

[kubex]

@Blazingspeed you're one of these ridiculous twin mums that dress your kids the same, refer to them as 'the twins' and buy them joint everything, aren't you?

[whiteonred]

Just wanted to add, that people are posing here from a culture where it is normal for children to be separated from siblings and segregated into rigid age groups as soon as they start nursery. For many this is from age 1. This is a very recent social change and different from how we evolved to be.
I personally think children thrive from being able to mix with siblings and mixed age groups. I was extremely fortunate that my children went to a nursery where children were not segregated by age and I saw how brilliant it was for the kids there. It meant my two could choose to play together, or with each others friends, or separately with their own friends. It was great.

[Hersetta427]

I cannot fathom why you would not want to encourage their independence so they they don't reply on each other and develop their own friendships and social circles. My daughter's best friend is a twin and they are in separate classes and are even going to different secondary schools in september. They are different people - let them develop as individuals rather than one half of a twin.

To those who say give it a go - you can always ask for them to be moved together in a year - what if the classes aren't mixed up (at my children's school you stay in the same class groups from reception to year 6 so this would be impossible (unless some poor child was moved to accommodate your twin).

[fizzandchips]

My twins were in the same class until Y4 at my insistence. You’re their mum and know them best. Also, from a practical point of view it was easier for me; same teacher to get to know, same party invites, same assembly days etc. They needed to be together and later on they needed to be apart, but I was lucky to be consulted.

[BottleOfJameson]

Girlwhowearsglasses has posted an excellent study. As well meaning as most of the advice posted here is it's based on anecdotes or no knowledge at all so can be largely ignored. You have a better knowledge of your sons than any one of us do and there is evidence that a blanket separation policy is not in the best interest of twins. I would go into the school calmly to discuss this. Take evidence with you, speak to TAMBA if necessary.

[jay55]

There was an article on bbc news about this last week. Most schools have a policy on it. Some people applied to single form entry schools to ensure they were together.
Why didn’t you ask the policy before applying to the school?

[MumofBoysx2]

YADNBU, just tell them they have to be together.

[roseblossom75]

I can understand why you want them to stay together and I think maybe giving them the first year together in Reception while they find their feet wouldn't be a bad thing. They have an advantage to single children in that they have a ready made friend and someone to share the daunting experiences with.

However, I do know twins (identical girls) who were together all through primary school and now half way through high school they are still very relient on each other. They have one best friend who they share, and are now thinking about careers when they leave school.
Both girls have different interests and personalities and when one twin mentioned the line of work she would like to go in for, her sister looked at her in horror and said "But I thought we'd decided we were going to do this not that?" (completely different career).
One of the sisters clearly dominates the other which is sad to see.

It would be interesting to see how things might have turned out for them had they been placed in separate classes from an early age?
Would they have formed their own individual friendships while still remaining close but understanding that they each make their own choices in life?

I don't know. It may have made a difference or it may not have, but it definitely gave me food for thought.

[BottleOfJameson]

Also not only are some of these comments ignorant they're also very rude and not even attempting to be helpful, AIBU is not a particularly good source of specific advice of this nature to be honest.

[jay55]

www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-44156981

[Nicknacky]

So if they manage quite happily apart then what's the issue with having them in different clssses? They can be with each other at breaktime and lunch?

You have had twins and mothers of twins comment but you haven't responded to any of their valid points.

[Ansumpasty]

YABU. They are two, separate children and should be treated as such

[echt]

ADNBU, just tell them they have to be together Parents don't get to do this in any government school I know.

[WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam]

They have thrived as individuals. They both have separate friends... they sit separately to eat their lunch & snacks. They go off and do different tasks... but they always gravitate back to each other at some point

Sounds like they’ll be absolutely fine in separate classes from what you’ve said!

They just need to know the other is there.

With respect, I think this is more about you then them. What do you mean by ‘need’? If they are kicking off and sobbing and scared because their sibling isn’t there then that’s a really good indication it would be best to support them in learning to handle self soothing without each other. If by ‘need’ you mean ‘like, but can manage without’ then there’s no issue is there?

Sounds like so far they’ve done well developing their independence even while being near each other, allow them to continue developing it instead of stifling it.