To expect my twins to be kept together

[Blazingspeed]

Due to start reception in September. School has put them in separate classes without consulting me.
What do I do now? They won’t do well without each other, especially just starting out

[mamamooloo]

We have twins in same class as DS (reception), it's a small school so no choice. They are complete individuals I really don't see the issue in keeping them together if that is what your prefer, you're their parents, you do know what's best for them. You need to speak to the school though asap.

[adaline]

But if they start school together and get separated when they get older, won't that make it even harder on them?

You'll need to get used to them doing things separately. They'll develop separate interests and friendships, will be invited to separate parties, will want to do different activities - they can't be together all the time just because they're twins.

I know you're probably anxious about them starting school and that's totally understandable but I actually think it will be easier on them if they don't have their twin to worry about. They can go and make new friends and be their own person without being "the twins".

My ex had twins and they went into separate classes when they started school. It was good for both of them to develop some independence and they're still as close as ever even though they have separate friendships and interests. They're seven now.

[pbjs]

"Twinbonds" may well be stronger than other bonds, but is it at all possible that it's simply because they also happen to be the same age, dressed the same and told by their parents they must do everything together....


They are not the same human they don't have to be together all the time. They will see each other lots as most receptions are free flow anyway.

[KnackeredMumofTwins]

A a mum of twins, it isn't common practice to split twins where we are. It entirely depends on the twins themselves. From their perspective, they have been attached to another person for their entire lives, I always thought to separate them if they aren't ready is counter productive. My boys school there was only one P1 class so they are in the same class. If there had been more than one class I wouldn't have split them up. They stuck together like glue all through that first year. P2 the class is organised so they are in different groups and now play separately to each other. We also encourage them to do different after school activities to boost confidence. It has been a much more natural process. Other friends have made different choices, some have split them, some have them in the same class, all depends on the kids themselves. I think a blanket approach to split twins is really unhelpful. I'd speak to the school and express your concerns.

[echt]

They haven’t even met the twins... how can they make a decision that’s in their best interests when they’ve not even spoken to them?

Do you think schools interview children to see if they want to be with their best friends. No.

[StillNoClue]

Will they still get the chance to see each other at breaks?
You may find that they do better than you imagine. I think lots of schools separate twins, and the majority do really well. Especially when one twin is shyer than the other, it gives both twins the chance to develop their own personalities.
Maybe speak to the school and explain your fears, but ask that if they don't settle within the first term that they can move back together.
The longer they stay together the more used to it they will be. You don't want to get to secondary age and realise they have spent every day together, to suddenly finding that they are sperated

[MarthaArthur]

Its common practice in schools to split twins and a very good thing. As others have said they are seperate people who need to learn indepemdence away from each other and thats easier the earlier that happens.

[RedSkyAtNight]

Bear in mind that "different" classes may still mean they spend 80-90% of their time together. It's very common in Reception for the bulk of the time to be spent in free format, free play. Do you actually know how your Reception day is structured?

[ishouldntsaybut]

I'm a twin and have twins. I worried about wether I should keep them together or split them and actually kept them together. They stayed together for the first 5 years of school before being split.

If I had the time again I would split them right at the start, they were compared to each other even though the teachers treated them as individuals. My older one was also more anxious however he did not get the opportunity to sort things himself as his sibling would fight his battles. They are so competitive now, the final years of primary gave both a chance to develop their own personalities. Now at secondary they deny all knowledge of each other, fight like cat and dog but are there for each other when it counts and woe betide anyone that messes with one.

[Rafflesway]

Bluebag my DH and I were at school in the 60's.

In those days - and certainly our schools - pupils were "Streamed" as per overall ability not by different subjects. They both left school at 15 - again very normal in those days - but then went to different FE colleges.

[Blazingspeed]

echt, is there a reason why you seem to be taking this quite personally?

[Mayhemmumma]

OP you know your children best and no doubt realise they are individuals. Speak to the school and explain your concerns.

[echt]

What on earth do you mean?

[DanielCraigsUnderpants]

You're anxious and worried. And you want your children to be ok. That's normal. We all want that. Sometimes that anxiety makes us put ourselves into the mindset of our children and assume they have the same fears. And they might not. Starting school is a big deal. But I barely remember my first years there and I was an very very anxious child. I know you have the twin element to add to that. But good teachers will help bring out their confidence. And it may be harder to do that with them relying on each other.

I'm sure the school would be happy to talk things through with you. Make an appointment to talk to them. There will be pros and cons to both choices.

It will be ok. And I have no doubt your twins will both thrive.

[MarthaArthur]

ishouldnt thats a really good point re other people treating them the same. A close family member has twins and my dm warned her not to call them "twins" all the time as they had seperate identities. Me and my sis have an age gap and were always called together by name so "maria and eva" whereas family members girls were always called as "twins". She did take it on board and started making them do seperate things and treating them as if they were siblings with an age gap rather than twins and they thrived massively at this.

[Whatiwishfor]

My children are in pre school and reception 13 months apart. There are several twins and all have been separated. One struggles with out his brother (his mother was telling me) Mum is pleased they are separated at this stage as thinks it would only be worse later on in school.
My children are very very close, more like twins than siblings, but im glad there not in the same class but think its a great they still see each other at break time.
I would have thought it was just school policy so they wouldn't have thought about telling you. They will rely on you telling them if your not happy. Find out how much the classes mix as with my children's school they may still see a lot of each other.

[Pengggwn]

Ask them whether this is school policy, a random decision, or a decision they have made for a reason they have not yet discussed with you.

School policy - suck it up or move schools.

Random - ask them to change it.

A reason - hear them out and try to persuade them to change it if you disagree, and if you fail, suck it up or move.

[whiteonred]

YANBU. Four is very, very young. It is one of earliest school starting ages in the world. Your children do not 'need' to be taught to cope without each other at this incredibly young age. Just coping at a new environment is enough to be dealing with at this age, without the added stressor of being separated from a sibling.
The school knows nothing about your children. You do. If you don't think this is right for your children, their personalities and level of development, then speak to the school about it and don't be fobbed off with 'policies'' which are not based around the individual child.
If the school don't listen to you, then, tbh, I would be wondering if this is the right school for you and your children. The school I sent my child to did listen to me about the support he needed to start school.
They said, 'if he doesn't feel secure he won't be learning', so were prepared to listen and be accommodating on that basis.

[WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam]

It’s really refreshing and reassuring to see how many people have finally got the whole idea that twins are separate people and need to be treated as such. I’m glad as a society we’ve moved away from seeing twins as carbon copies of one another who must be the same as each other. Much better for the kids.

[Girlwhowearsglasses]

My ID twins have been together since reception and have just gone separate in year five this year.

I would expect to be consulted and indeed I did consult my twins and the teachers had a chat with them about separating this year.

Everyone saying they ‘do better’ making white own way has no experience of twins. The tens association TAMBA did some research and concluded that actually schools should be deciding on a case by case basis. Separating twins is not the same as separating siblings or friends and can’t be compared!

OP I would speak to them and I will find the research to present to them. It’s very unflexible of them not to consult you.

There are many circumstances twins should be separate or indeed together - if one is doing very differently than the other or struggling socially for instance. Reception is hard enough as it is without the trauma!

[echt]

Sorry. Pressed too soon. OP, my remarks only address what schools do. Hard to see why that is me bing personal.

[StepBackNow]

Every school I've taught at splits twins if it's large enough. Talk to the head but I doubt they will change their policy.

[TheNoodlesIncident]

But I know them better than anyone

But you won't know them in school.

I do agree with this, your children will not behave/react the same in a different setting. If you are unhappy about it, liaise with the school and maybe ask for a trial period, say the first term, to see how they get on? Then if assessing their progress shows either of them to be struggling with some social areas, you can request that they be put in the same class if you deem that best.

You might find your more sensitive child finds some inner strength he didn't know he had. If he always has his twin nearby he might never discover he has more resilience than anyone thinks. Remember reception is play based learning and more like fun than work, it's not a frightening place per se.

(FWIW I am a twin and I would separate mine if I had any. So I do have experience of it)

[fannyfelcher]

Just saying your kid calms his twin is a big worry. It is not their job to that, the poor kid.

[FlyingElbows]

From the teacher's perspective if we let "mummy knows best" through the door unhindered we'd have some children go right through school with mummy sat next to them! In my experience "anxious" children are the ones who come to "get to know you" days with at least one parent like a limpet. Anxiety in children that young is a learnt behaviour and it is not fixed by indulging it. Ofcourse the Op should express her concern to the school but she must also accept that this is not their first rodeo. She must also accept that Reception is the stage where she needs to loosen the reins and let them take their first steps to independence. She is far from the first mother to be worried about it.