Psycho MIL - take 2

[LolaL]

Hi everyone, I posted this --

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3249894-MIL-from-hell-bring-popcorn-wtf-do-I-do-with-her?pg=14

-- a few weeks ago. Since then, things have been quite good. We've had a few issues (her slagging me off to my mum, she's super super manipulative and it sparked a massive argument between my mum and I). I had a text from her re the hairdresser for the wedding and I text her on the morning of a hospital scan to wish her good luck - but otherwise had absolutely no contact at all.

DP has been the happiest he's been. He has had an occasional phone call with her and popped into the house to ask his dad for some help with the car, but aside from that, that's it.

Weekend just gone was his stag. A really lovely weekend was organised for him (just what he needed!) and he came home yesterday pm bouncing, despite his hangover lol. Showing me photos/videos, telling me what they got up to etc. Really happy.

I met up with SIL over the weekend and she told me that she too has had no contact, bar one phonecall to discuss seeing grandkids (initiated by SIL). Throughout the whole phonecall, MIL repeatedly slagged off the whole family, mainly me. SIL sounded like she did a great job in trying to keep on topic and discuss the kids however it eventually ended with SIL saying that she would not tolerate listening to this and put the phone down. SIL told me about this conversation and I decided not to share with DP, not to upset him.

This morning, DP called MIL on his way into work, just to check in. I think the child in him wanted to share what a lovely weekend he'd had. She told him that she was so glad that he'd had a lovely weekend because she was now on anti-d's and wanted to kill herself all weekend, how lonely she was.... (FIL didn't go on stag so she wasn't alone...) and how upset she was that I didn't reach out to her over the weekend and plan something with her.

Aside from seeing SIL, I had a lovely, very busy weekend spent with my friends and hobby.

DP then called me, really upset, saying how he felt so sorry for her and that he was sad that I'd not reached out to her this weekend. I pointed out that I didn't understand why this weekend was an exception, how was I to know she was feeling lonely, she had FIL, absolutely no difference to any other weekend and even if I wanted to, I had hobby commitments so would have struggled for time.

He ended up getting angry saying how he can't cope that I hate his mum, I started crying, completely out of the blue, I was sat on the sofa catching up with work emails. Ended the call. 10 mins later he text saying he loved me and was sorry, I didn't reply, was upset.

I replied half an hour later saying I loved him but this is really getting me down, our wedding is 4 weeks away and he cannot let his mum manipulate him, or interfere in our relationship. He said she isn't and loves me like a daughter?? I said very hard to believe when she's said some v nasty stuff about me to SIL and told him what was said. Maybe I'm expecting too much, but if I had heard someone talk about DP like that, I would be straight on the phone, asking why they'd said this. Anyway, his response was "take it with a pinch of salt."

I then got v v angry that he couldn't back me and was again letting her control and interfere. I completely saw red and did call her a "psycho controlling bitch" which was probably the most PG thing I had in my head!!!

Anyway, this has continued back and forth all day, him saying he feels unsupportive me hating his mum, me thinking wtf he is letting her control and ruin our relationship. BIL has had a chat with him and agreed that he thinks she's trying to ruin the wedding.

Absolute mess. I don't know what to do. My head is saying run, my heart is staying stick with him.

This sounds pathetic and that I'm overreacting but I really do feel like this is the final nail in the coffin.

I understand pp's saying to enlist other family members to talk sense into him, but really, why?

If my own feelings and words aren't enough to make my DH sit up and listen when I have a concern, then IMO he doesn't care enough about me to be my husband/partner.

This is very tricky...

I think you need to tell your dp that he can have a relationship and communicate with his mother, but you will need to be on a no contact basis with her as she does not respect you. He needs to support this, otherwise he is forcing you to be in a potentially emotionally abusive situation and your relationship will not work. He should be able to communicate with his mother, as you wouldn't want to separate mother/son from each other but that does not mean you're there as a doormat so you won't talk to her from now on.

You cannot take responsibility for her mental health. She is a grown adult. You're not some kind of emotional Band-Aid for her.

Before you even consider going through with this wedding, I think counselling is in order. DP needs to understand that neither of you can be responsible for MIL's happiness. If she is that seriously depressed, she needs professional help. If she attempts or completes suicide, it's not on you.

Run. Away. Now.

I think you should listen to your instincts and call off the wedding - at least for now.

You gave him the benefit of the doubt but your DP is showing you what your life will be like. He will appear to have your back and agree to support you and then crumble to MIL's manipulation and throw you under the bus. MIL will sense this and continually manipulate his weakness to make your life hell until you divorce him.

I see no way back now.

Good lord. Your DH doesn’t exactly come out well in the original thread either. What a mess.

Go on boards such as justnoMIL on Reddit. Those posts? That’s your future if you marry your DH. I don’t think I’ve read a single thread on here where a golden boy has suddenly stuck up for his DW. I’d think long and hard about what your life is going to be like if you marry this man.

Run Forest, run. Sorry OP. This will end in tears if you don't leave.

So your OH is at it again. Why on earth would he or your soon to be MiL think you would be arranging something for her when he is on his stag especially after her behaviour before and your NC. The fact he even spoke to you about is almost suggesting her depression is somehow linked with you. He is truly an ass and she is abusive. You need to have a fierce conversation with him. He either has your back and supports and protects you from her nonsense or you will have no choice but to rethink your future. If he can’t support you now then unfortunately I can’t see it getting any better.

If I was in your situation I would give him an ultimatum, you or his mum

So many hugs OP. I would tell him that this was the last straw - he knows what she's like and he still listened to her lies and had a go at you. Either he acknowledges this and accepts that you, and any future children you have, will have no further contact with her ever (and he must agree to never ever push this), or you are ending the relationship now. I'm really sorry OP - but you are right to listen to your head. Whatever you do, do not marry him with the situation as it is.

If he hasn’t got your back now then he never will.

You need to seriously consider whether you want to live like this for as long as MIL lives. And beyond if he keeps blaming you for her bitchiness.

So sorry op

I read your other thread but I don’t think I had anything useful to add to left it to the wise ones here. But she sounds very manipulative (I have zero patience for anyone using suicide and depression as a source of manipulation) and it doesn’t sound like she will stop.

Either your dp manages to break away like his brother or you accept he will be like this until she dies (and then the guilt etc will still be there. I’m sure some blaming of you the woman who couldn’t get along with his angel mum will continue even after her death).

It’s not something I could live with.

Look, some people have broken free of their mothers. Their very long suffering gfs / wives have managed to bring enough pressure into the suffocating mother-son (or mother-daughter) relationship.

But it's taken a long time and it's taken many tears and much anger.

There are also a lot of people who've chosen for their parent and not their partner.

it's not hopeless with your husband, but he's had a very bad backsliding.

I'd point out to him that she has threatened multiple times to commit suicide if he doesn't do what she wants; that she's nearly split up BiL and SiL; that she made up that you two weren't marrying at pretty well the same time that she worked on his insecurities to persuade him that you were being unfaithful, until he himself acted very badly.

Now he went to see her, perfectly happy beforehand, and now he's come back deeply unhappy, angry, and your actual marriage is in jeopardy. From things being ok, they've gone down shit alley; he's blinding himself to everythign that's happened, he's blinding himself to his own behaviour and putting the relationship in serious danger.

I would cancel the wedding yes (easier said than done but can you imagine what this woman will be like when you have children, if he is still in contact with her?).

If he's worth it, give it a few more years and see what happens. But if you think he is always going to stay under his mother's thumb, then walk.

I just want to add the sad imaginary outcome of OP deciding to postpone or cancel the wedding.

Will the MiL still blame and cause issues between you? I would imagine suddenly you would be blamed for how his decision affects her too . . .

What I never like about situations like this is when you can hear the other person quote the manipulator word for word. It’s like they never analyse the situation themselves just pass on the time emotions on like a hot potato, because it’s too much to deal with

Cancel the wedding until this is sorted.

tbh you spoke very highly of him when he's not under his mother's influence. Is it worth keeping on fighting for him? (serious question). I think you need to weigh that up, and weigh up the likelihood of success and then make your decision.

Also, much less trouble to cancel a wedding than to get divorced.

OP, I was among the ones who had sympathy for your OP last time, due to his mental health issues. But even I now no longer have any patience for is spineless twatting around. I would tell him unless he bucks up his ideas and supports you 100%, the wedding is off. Time to stop humouring him and tell him to ditch the metaphorical diapers and grow a fucking spine!

Unfortunately I think it comes down to which is worse?

No longer having your DP

Constantly having MIL around

Because he won't sever those ties. You have to decide which evil is the better.

Consider your future very very carefully. My first marriage had elements of this but not to such a severe extent. The dynamic behind it, and the fact that my exH places his loyalty to his parents and sister before his loyalty to me every time, even when it was completely unreasonable, was the cause of our marriage failing with 3 years. I later discovered he had blatantly lied to me over numerous ridiculous small things to do what they wanted without me questioning it. Fortunately we didn’t have any DCs together. Frankly, even 25 years later, I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire.

I think he does have your back, OP, from reading the prev thread. I think she has loaded a lot of guilt on him and he has wavered for a moment. He will be back on track for you.

Just pose this situation to him:

I go away for my hen weekend, but my Mum stays home with Dad.

Dad kicks up a fuss because he expected you to support him over my hen weekend as the mere prospect of me marrying you makes him suicidal.

When I return home I criticise you for not supporting my Dad (even though he never told you how he felt, was never alone and had my Mum right there all the time).

How does this reverse situation look to you? I'm thinking laughable at best.

She is telling him (outright lying and manipulating) that she feels suicidal at the thought of his marriage and he blames you for that?

He needs to sit down and let the scales fall from his eyes or this is going nowhere. Love does not conquer all unfortunately. Guilt instilled over decades often wins the day. Don't let it happen to you.

OP I'm sorry to say it, but just run. Ultimatums, postponing the wedding, whatever - won't work. He'll make the right noises at the time, change for a few days, but the next time his mother clicks her fingers he'll go running. And if that throws you under the bus he won't think twice. Don't let that be AFTER you've married him.

He's shown you he can't keep up the act. Time to leave him