Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exwife behaving like a twat over DD's diet.

76 replies

PeanutButterSquash · 11/06/2018 16:12

My youngest DD has something called GERD. It causes her to regurgitate a large amount of foods including cheese and some other dairy products, but she can eat (without issues) chicken, fish, potatoes, rice, pasta. The problem comes with being more adventerous with that.
I found some vegan cheeses for her to try,
Some weren't suitable due to having seasonings in them that dd can't eat but I found a product that she absolutely loves, tastes ok (even to me). So it's allowed me to expand her diet a bit. I've been able to adapt about 8 of her favourites just because I have this cheese she can eat.
I mentioned it to exwife and sent dd over with some cheese on her weekend (Ex has her one weekend per fortnight).
Ex has been bombarding me with links about how a vegan diet isn't suitable for children - yeah ok, but she doesn't have a vegan diet? She just can't eat most red meat, but does eat loads of fish and chicken, as well as turkey and the odd bit of ham (which is a bit 50:50 on whether she can keep it down)
I explained this to ex and ex has said I MUST stop DD eating these horrible processed products, it's not good for her, being vegan is a terrible thing etc etc.
but she's not a vegan and surely a bit of processed vegan cheese that widens her diet isn't an issue? It's violife cheese slices, not crack cocaine ffs. Plus, I know ex feeds her plenty of "processed" things (birds eye fish cakes and nuggets, anyone?) which I don't mention or have a go at her for.
Aibu to think exwife is just behaving like a twat for the sake of it and just nod and smile?

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 11/06/2018 16:18

Yanbu. Ignore her.

Sleepyandtired21 · 11/06/2018 16:18

Maybe come at it from a lactose free angle instead of the vegan one? I hope your daughter is allowed to eat them, I’m a coeliac and I know how great it is to have suitable substitutes for normal food

FASH84 · 11/06/2018 16:19

Are you vegan and she thinks you're trying to convert DD? I simply see it that she can't have cheese simply for medical reasons so you have found a replacement, no issues there. If you bought the violife block instead of slices would that help as it looks less processed and just the same as dairy cheese.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 11/06/2018 16:20

Why would she assume you were going to feed your dd a vegan diet? Are you vegan? It does seem a bit strange.

I think violife is fucking gross personally, but I don’t think there’s anything horrific in it is there? Isn’t it just coconut oil and vitamins?

FASH84 · 11/06/2018 16:20

Violife also do a fairly decent 'mozarella' , I'm not vegan but have some family members with dietary requirements

CloudCaptain · 11/06/2018 16:23

Just ignore. She is being unreasonable.

LoveInTokyo · 11/06/2018 16:24

As long as you are both aware of your daughter’s dietary issues and not feeding her things that will make her ill, it’s none of your ex’s business what your daughter eats when she is with you, and none of your business what she eats when she is with your ex wife.

Original poster
PeanutButterSquash · 11/06/2018 16:26

I'm not vegan, have never been vegan. Which is why I'm surprised that violife doesn't taste that awful Smile it's okay, but I'd far rather a slice of Edam. Dd doesn't have that option though.
We do have the blocks too, mainly for cooking, though. It's just the slices were what I sent with DD, so that's what ex is moaning about.
Dd is ok with semi skimmed milk, but not cheese. It's mainly trial and error, unfortunately. So I can't really approach it from the lactose free angle, as lactose doesn't appear to be an issue, it's quite hard as I can't always pinpoint what she's reacting to. I think the only way to approach this is nod and smile and don't send any more violife with DD and just have her eat it the rest of the time. Not a huge loss but I wonder why ex is being like this.

OP posts:
TakeawayTakeMeAway · 11/06/2018 16:26

She sounds a bit hard of thinking. It’s perfectly acceptable to eat vegan food (apples for example), it doesn’t mean you’re vegan just because not every bite has meat & dairy in it Confused

I’d ignore her or simply agree with her.

IlikemyTeahot · 11/06/2018 16:29

yadnbu shes being a complete twat. She should be happy your daughter has a wider range of food to eat. I havent heard of GERD also think Ex is being very irresponsible giving your daughter highly processed foods that have no nutritional value if she has issues with eating/keeping food down surely you would only want to give good nutritious meals?

Luckily you have the majority of your daughters care, so seeing as its only an occasional weekend (unless your little one was coming home unwell) i think the smile and nod option would be wise

TakeawayTakeMeAway · 11/06/2018 16:29

and none of your business what she eats when she is with your ex wife.

Well no, but I assume that the OP sent the food along in the interests if being friendly and helpful and looking after DD, which is presumably her DF and stepmother’s goal as well - to give her the most varied diet possible without having her spew up everywhere.

Original poster
PeanutButterSquash · 11/06/2018 16:30

That's also made me a bit Confused
Because pasta, rice etc is vegan. A lot of biscuits are, too. And cereals.

Surely all of us eat vegan food at least a little bit, anyway?
As I said though dd is about as far from vegan as it can get, it's just one vegan substitute has allowed me to expand her diet hugely.

OP posts:
TakeawayTakeMeAway · 11/06/2018 16:30

Sorry I mean her DM and stepfather Blush

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 11/06/2018 16:32

It doesn’t sound like you and ExW are in a place where you can agree parenting, and more like parallel parenting.

So no sending DD with cheese and don’t respond to arguments about veganism. As long as both of you are caring responsibly there’s only arguments in trying to agree one way of doing it.

Original poster
PeanutButterSquash · 11/06/2018 16:32

I'd never presume to try to control her diet, but as it's quite expensive it made sense to just send an open pack with her rather than rely on ex to try to find it for the sake of 2 days? It only lasts 7 days and has 10 slices in a pack, bit of a waste to expect ex to buy a fresh pack for her when it isn't going to last until the next visit but dd isn't going to eat it all in 2 days (though I suppose ex could send it home with her, but then it's the same but in reverse anyway).

OP posts:
TakeawayTakeMeAway · 11/06/2018 16:33

And sorry again, I have no idea where I dreamed the stepfather up from! I’ll go and practice my reading comprehension now!

Loopytiles · 11/06/2018 16:33

You clearly disagree with each other, but it’s unnecessary to use abusive terms.

Do you agree on DD’s diet more generally? Does your ex think, for example, that you are too restrictive in what you allow DD to eat?

Sammyham · 11/06/2018 16:34

I'd ignore her when she starts having a go, try to not let it bother you.

If you've explained it as you have here to her then she's clearly a bit dim.

She's probably a bit jealous that you're feeding DD better, she's an ex be grateful for that!

Loopytiles · 11/06/2018 16:36

Sending the cheese was odd IMO: during your ex’s contact time it’s up to her what she feeds DD, obviously within reason.

Original poster
PeanutButterSquash · 11/06/2018 16:36

I absolutely think ex is acting like a twat, trying to get me to restrict DD's diet (when I'm trying my level best to find things she can eat and adapt recipes so she can have something nice) because it's "processed" when she's fed mainly crap freezer foods with no nutritional value (which I can live with - ex was never much of a cook and dd is happy enough to just spend time with her). I don't judge her or have a go, it just seems ridiculous for her to feed dd that then have a go at me for feeding her a vegan product...

OP posts:
Weezol · 11/06/2018 16:37

Ex is using diet as a stick to beat you with, don't rise to it. Can you set up a filter so her messages and emails go straight into a folder that you only check every couple of days? Set SM profiles to filter out 'vegan' so you don't have to see the nonsense.

Keep on keeping on, you sound to have got a good handle on DD's condition and are managing well.

BTW, how old is your DD? Your ex risks her associating mums's house with being ill or in pain and it may well put her off going there in the long run. I am a Very Bad Person, so I would not make ExW aware of this possibility.Grin

lifechangesforever · 11/06/2018 16:37

I love Violife cheese Grin I'd eat it more often if it weren't so expensive and available more than just specialist world food type shops.

YANBU, she should be thankful that you gave up some of the food that you paid for so DD could continue to enjoy it at her house.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 11/06/2018 16:39

You are definitely not being unreasonable over the food issue but you are being a little unreasonable to refer to her as a twat over this minor disagreement. Annoying, irritating, misinformed or even bizarre yes but on the scale of how unreasonable some estranged ex's can behave I wouldn't go as far as to use the term twat.

She has clearly totally misunderstood the introduction of this new food to her diet and doesn't understand the concept that eating a vegan product does not make a person vegan if they are eating meat and other non vegan products.

I would continue to feed your child what you wish, you seem to be approaching her particular dietary requirements in a sensible fashion and encouraging her to try new food will give her more choice overall. Your ex wife's comments are strange given the choice of food she feeds your DD but ultimately as it is only every other weekend I can understand why you have never made an issue out of it.

As you have suggested I would just nod and not engage.

Loopytiles · 11/06/2018 16:42

She doesn’t wish you to send food for DD, and disapproves of processed cheese (as you do of certain frozen foods). There are differences in your views over DD’s diet, which is a disagreement, not either of you “behaving like a twat”.

This is someone you’re meant to be co parenting with, the way you talk about it seems disrespectful.

mirime · 11/06/2018 16:42

@Loopytiles

Sending the cheese was odd IMO: during your ex’s contact time it’s up to her what she feeds DD, obviously within reason.

Given the child's restricted diet, I don't see that it is odd to send something new you've found she can eat and that has a relatively short time to use it in once it was opened.