AIBU to plan a pregnancy mid University course?

[Twistedinknots]

Hi everyone,

I am almost 35 with a 4 yr old child and have been accepted onto a uni course which starts this September. I've never been to uni before and neither have any women in my family.

I've wanted another baby for a while but while my partner loves children, he isn't keen on the baby stage.
The other day he surprised me by saying maybe we should have another baby. We enjoy being parents and although money and space is tight (at the moment) i'm sure we'd cope well.
We have a happy family life.

I would be 39 on completion of my full time course (integrated masters with sandwich yr) and the age-gap between children would be 9yrs+

If I tried to plan a baby for the end of yr1 i'd be 35 or yr2 36.
I can't decide what would be best, i'm frightened if I cancel my application then I will be unable to achieve another offer, and I know maternal age increases risks.

So my question is this, AIBU to have a baby mid course? I wouldn't be able to return to the course until at they were at least a year old, if not two. Wouldn't I just be messing the university around?

What do you want, a degree or a baby? Why the rush to do both at the same time and put pressure on yourself?

9 year age gap! - you''l be starting all over again trying to look after two different ages - and needs and wants. They won't sit happily in the corner playing together whilst you gram in revision.

Make this easy on yourself and chose one or the other.

Lifebegins- it sounds like that's the choice her partner has suddenly presented her with, with a convenient change of mind.

Why would your partner suddenly change his mind on something that you want, but would stop you accessing your education, OP?

I would advise absolutely do not choose one or the other, get your education, whatever your partner throws at you to put you off.

Thank you for your replies.
My partner is supportive of my degree plans and has at no point suggested that I give up on education.

I did a degree with 8 month old baby. Worst decision EVER.

I'm starting to wonder if I could try to have a baby at the end of the second year and defer 1 or 2 years.
The 3rd yr is placement which I would do. the 4th year

I think that if you want another child then you should try within the next year.

Waiting until after your course finishes could mean that you are physically unable to have another child as not everyone is able to conceive or to carry to term at 39 (as I'm sure you know fertility drops quite quickly from 35 to 40 for most people).

You probably will have to take a year out (known as 'Interruption of studies' or 'Leave of Absence') as I had friends who had babies mid-course and had to take a year off. Even if your partner was more helpful during the newborn stage I think that coping with no sleep and deadlines would be a deadly combination!

So personally in your position I would probably try for another child and then take my place at University in September. If I fell pregnant quickly then I would take leave for a year. If it takes a while to conceive then you can take leave after your first year etc.

Posted too soon!
Maybe defer again before the first year and forget about doing the last year until they are in school.

Anyone over the age of 18 who says uni should be fined.

I am another person slightly suspicious about his timing. If he is truly supportive of your university plans why is he suddenly suggesting something that will change everything?

If you do go through with it it you need to consider the intensity of your coursework and exams. They will get harder the further along you get. Would it be better to have a newborn, or a toddler during the final exams? Or can you save up for a couple of years so your partner be able to take a year or two out to look after a new baby to let you concentrate on your course?

That was a badly worded post. I swear I can English.

Twistedinknots the problem with planning when to get pregnant is - you never know how long it might take.

We started trying for a baby when I was in my second year, I hoped I'd get pregnant in time to have the baby in the summer holiday, as I'd got pregnant with my first child at the drop of a hat. But it took much longer than expected, and by the time I got pregnant my baby was due in April of my third year.

A friend of mine had a baby in the summer between first and second year at uni. She didn't take any time off but: she was lucky with timing, there weren't any complications with the birth, she was a humanities student so less contact time than the sciences, and the university had a nursery on site which I think made timings easier.

How much time you need to take off depends on:

1. when in the academic year your baby is due
2. whether you have an uneventful pregnancy (if, for example, you get hyperemisis you probably don't want to be studying!)
3. The structure and format of yoru degree

When I started uni, I had a 1.5 month old. Like you, I had a choice of having a baby in my mid thirties or hanging on and having a baby in my late 30s.

I decided to go for it, as I thought it was too much of a risk to wait till my mid-30s as I might find I'd missed my chance. Also the age gap would be huge if I waited.

So I tried to have a baby due in the summer holidays between 2nd and 3rd year - but what actually happened was I had a baby due April. I proposed to my uni that I leave after semester one of my third year, then go back a year later to do semester 2.

My course leader said she thought that wasn't a good idea as the field I was studying moves so quickly, the degree changes most years, so it'd be very disjointed to try to put semesters from two years together. If I had been doing a subject that doesn't change much, this would have been possible, however.

So, she suggested I intermitted for two years, so that's what I did. I took the whole year of my pregnancy off and the whole of the following year.

I suspect that is a rather extreme example however! At the other extreme, a friend got pregnant in her final year, also due in April. Her course was mostly exam based. She got all her coursework done before the deadlines and revised like mad. Then took time out until her exams, turned up for the exams with her partner looking after their baby while she sat them. This worked for her as her baby was mix fed and because it worked with her course.

More generally, it's not easy, but if you want another baby and this is your best bet, you will find a way to make it work.

My top tip is to work your socks off in the first year. The uni bent over backwards to accommodate me and I suspect a little of that might have been as I was one of the top students on my course, they didn't want to lose me!

Just FYI, the word "defer" means to put off your course before you even start. But if you take a break and come back, it's called "intermitting".

Whatever you do, good luck! :)

Oh, I forgot an obvious one:

1. How "easy" your baby is - how difficult it is to study with your baby in tow

This also affects when you can go back of course!

I know I couldn't have studied when my baby was little, but my friend managed to do exams with a young baby.

You're unlikely to be able to interrupt mid-course for two years. One year yes, but two is difficult, especially in science, so bear that in mind, so dc2 would be in childcare from a year old unless your dp plans on staying at home.

Are you near London?

I think that sounds absolutely doable, provided you can afford childcare for when you go back to uni. Universities are very used to students needing to take time off for various things and as long as you are upfront with them during your pregnancy about your plans, I can't see it being an issue, as long as you'll be able to afford to return.

I had my first half way through a PhD, took off about 18 months, and then returned and finished. It was perfectly manageable, but I did need part-time and then eventually full-time nursery to make it possible. That's the expensive bit (more expensive if you're mid course and not working). But it was possible with some creativity, living within our means and occasional family help (my parents would gift me money towards nursery for Christmas, birthdays, etc. instead of actual gifts).

I handed in my final dissertation 8.5 months pregnant at 35.I actually found the final year easier than the other two as I had no distractions...I just worked on essays and didn't go for coffee/drinks/socialise.You already have a child so it will be different for you. But the pregnancy didn't make uni difficult at all.

I got pregnant when doing my masters. I was booked in for a section on 6 sept with dissertation due in just after that so my plan was to hand in dissertation slightly early.
Unfortunately I lost the baby just as my exams were about to take place. Uni were fab and within an hour of me informing them had deferred everything for me. I then took one exam which I passed in the new exam period, but felt unable to carry on so never completed in the end.
I think it is probably doable but just be aware that things can go wrong which hit harder. I was 37 and knew if I didn’t try for a second baby then I never would. I got pregnant first month of trying! If a second baby is what you want then I think you have to try as it may take ages.
Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Anyone over the age of 18 who says uni should be fined.

I'm 28 and I work in a uni and the majority of my colleagues call it uni.

I just realised I then started a pgce and we decided to try again for a baby. I got pregnant first time having sex after losing the previous baby! In the first month of starting course.
I managed to carry on up to 34 weeks pregnant. Then took a break and went back when baby was 6 months to do final placement in a new school. It would have all been fine if I hadn’t been sent to an absolute shithole of a school and I finally walked out. If you have support it can be doable, but if you don’t it is a nightmare.
Again, good luck xx

the majority of my colleagues call it uni.

Let me guess post-92? I'm so glad none of mine do.

I recently completed a three year masters. All the students on this course are over 30 and quite a few get pregnant over the course of the degree. They took a year/two years out and returned to the course after that. If you are not concerned about graduating with your original cohort, go for it.

Anyone over the age of 18 who says uni should be fined.

Wow, thanks for your single, and oh-so-valuable contribution to this thread.

Bloody hell people are cynical! All these snide ‘interesting timing’ comments! A lot of people start to consider another baby once their first is a bit older, possibly just starting school etc!

University courses tend to be well set up for students to intermit for a year, and will anticipate this much more with mature students for whom life often gets in the way. No harm in trying.