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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm not a scrounger for getting "free" furniture

111 replies

GuessImAscroungerthen · 10/06/2018 18:52

I have 2 young kids have had to completely move area while escaping from abusive ex. Left everything behind and was homeless for weeks before (v luckily I know) being offered a small council house which I'm extremely grateful for.

I'd already been working with women's aid and social services mainly for emotional support but women's aid also gave me some laundrette vouchers when I was homeless as I was struggling with the costs of doing washing at a laundrette (£4 to wash and dry a load adds up quick when you've got v little money). Anyway, women's aid offered me a Argos voucher when I told them about getting a home which I took and social services also gave me an Argos voucher, IKEA voucher and B+Q voucher. Added together I have a bit over a thousand pounds in vouchers which has gone a huge way towards getting everything we need, I bought the cheapest things I could and budgeted to the wire to get everything, but have still spent a few hundred on top... but I have almost everything now.
I am extremely greatful for this and plan on making a large donation to several charities to pay it forward, so to speak, when I can.
I've also recently been friendly with someone in my new area, we were chatting for a bit and she asked me how I was managing to furnish my house and if ex had given me money I said no I just had some vouchers given to me by women's aid and SS, she then acted a bit miffed with me so I went home, I tried to speak to her today and she said "I don't talk to scroungers" I was very upset and asked why she said that and apparently I'm a disgrace and have no shame allowing other people to pay for my furniture? I feel very guilty now, and embarrassed. I can't believe this has made her think so little of me. Sad
Aibu to hope I'm not a scrounger? I feel awful!

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 10/06/2018 19:57

I moved into an empty flat many years ago and asked at work if anyone had any spare stuff and was loaned a cooker, given bedside cabinets and a wardrobe. Tbh, it was give to me or leave them in the garage/dump it. I didn’t see it as scrounging, I asked and was offered.

I’m glad you’re set up, OP. I think your ‘friend’ is clueless as to how hard it is to set up when you’ve had to leave with nothing.

Catchuptv · 10/06/2018 20:03

So what if you told her - you'd nothing to be ashamed of. She sounds like a nasty person - and you've dodged a bullet.

You'll find some proper friends in time. Don't even give her and her nasty remarks a second thought - it says so much about her.

Good luck.

FrancisCrawford · 10/06/2018 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pointythings · 10/06/2018 20:10

Well done getting out. You have done the absolute best for yourself and your DC and you are absolutely not a scrounger - you are someone who showed immense courage and got a hand up as a result - because you needed it.

Don't give this awful person another thought. I would like more of my taxes to go to schemes like the one that helped you.

TypingoftheDead · 10/06/2018 20:40

She sounds like a narrow minded twat and you're better off not knowing her.
Well done on getting away from your ex and starting to get your life back together again! You're not a scrounger at all, especially as you already had nothing to begin with.

BewareOfDragons · 10/06/2018 20:48

Ignore her. She's not worth a second thought.

Well done for getting the help you need to get you and your little ones out of a dangerous situation. That isn't easy. I'm so glad there are programs like women's aid and social services to help people in your position.

I hope you and your children go on to have happy lives in your new home.

Rudgie47 · 10/06/2018 20:51

Dont tell people your financial affairs ever, they are private and nothing to do with anyone else.
She was jealous you got things for nothing thats what it was.
Hope your new home will be nice OP.

Fluffychickenmonkey · 10/06/2018 20:52

She’s a fucking twat and not worthy of your time flowers]

Fluffychickenmonkey · 10/06/2018 20:52
Flowers
Sparklesocks · 10/06/2018 20:56

It’s not scrounging, it’s a leg up and support.

It’s good you know what she’s really like early on, you don’t need that in your life.

LadyOdd · 10/06/2018 20:59

When I left the country thief was plenty I could not afford to take with me slow cooker, furniture etc I found a girl on FB who had a young family and had moved into her first flat unfurnished. I invited her and her family round to take whatever they wanted, the thought of perfectly good stuff being chucked out (charity didn’t turn up to collect) would have broken my heart. Was she a scrounged no! Are you? Also no. In the uk people are lucky enough to have these safety nets and they should be used appropriately. I am glad that you and your children are safe and comfortable x

Returnofthesmileybar · 10/06/2018 21:03

You should have replied either "no worries, I don't particularly like talking to nosey judgemental bitches either so best we avoid each other"

Just add her to the list of twats you are clearing from your life Wink

dontbesillyhenry · 10/06/2018 21:04

You aren't a scrounger.
You are an amazing woman and have done the most difficult but amazing thing for the future of your kids.
The haters wouldn't have a clue how hard this will have been for you and you deserve nothing but good

Lana1234 · 10/06/2018 21:10

What a truly horrible woman she is. Some people are just so sad in there own lives they feel the need to judge others.
You’ve absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and I hope you enjoy your new home and wish you all the happiness.

SabineUndine · 10/06/2018 21:15

She’s a cow. Steer clear of her. BTW if nobody’s suggested it, freegle/freecycle are very good for getting stuff you need, for free. I give away loads of stuff on there, and have put in occasional requests too. I’ve seen all kinds of things offered.

L0UISA · 10/06/2018 21:17

i just said “ I got some vouchers from social services and women's aid" that's all, I don't see that as personal information. Maybe I should've lied, I don't see it as anything to be proud of but not something to keep secret either iykwim

When you have been living with an abuser, you Sometimes need to do some work on your boundaries. There is a large catagory of information that is neither “something to be proud of” or “ something to keep secret “. It’s called private.

In that situation , you didn’t need need to either lie or tell her the whole truth in every detail.

You could say things like “ oh I was very lucky some people I know helped me out “.

Remember what you are giving out isn’t just your private information, it’s your kids. They don’t need everyone in school / nursery knowing that their dad abused their mum.

Well done on getting out, you have done the right thing for yourself and your kids.

wakemeupbefore · 10/06/2018 21:20

Ghastly person, that, OP Hmm
Vast majority of our furniture was free, as thrust upon us by ageing relatives and such, some very nice stuff, must say, but there are some eyesores that can't be disposed of without hurting feelings and so on.
Don't worry about that person and keep doing the best you can Smile

CocoAndTheChocolates · 10/06/2018 21:23

She's a right dick and not your friend.

cornflakegirl · 10/06/2018 21:34

Guess - I agree with everyone else - you're not a scrounger and she is an idiot. I don't think you should have to keep quiet about the vouchers - it's not shameful or even particularly private. I've just donated to Women's Aid in your name - I hope it helps another woman get away and stay away from abuse. Flowers

numptynuts · 10/06/2018 21:58

Oh forget that fucknugget OP. How lovely you and your DCs have a little home and you're safe. I'm glad you got the help you needed to make a fresh start away from abuse.

Don't let people like her take that feeling of freedom you currently have. Keep it, treasure it.

Some people are cunts, they really are Angry

user1473878824 · 10/06/2018 22:34

I haven’t RTFT but my first thought is simply: fuck her.

You’ve done an amazing thing for you and your children.

For a start it’s none of her bloody business, who even asks something like that? Don’t feel embarrassed, she should be embarrassed.

Neolara · 10/06/2018 22:39

At least you got to find out this person is an arse before you invested more time in the friendship.

I hope you enjoy your new furniture. The vast majority of people won't begrudge you having help given what you have had to go through.

Jux · 10/06/2018 22:47

I don't think you should lie - I don't think you should haveto lie. I do think your friend is a twat ugly on the i side, ignorant anf stupid.

It must have been so upsetting. I'm so so so sorry that you had to hear her say that. It's totally unfair.

Flowers

Well done on getiing away, by the way. [star>

CaledonianQueen · 10/06/2018 22:54

Well done OP, you have achieved so much, escaping your abusive ex and setting up a home for you and your children.

It isn’t often that people hear the positives of support from SS, so I am so glad that they have helped to provide you with vouchers! The ikea vouchers is a fantastic idea! Likewise your experience may give hope to women stuck in an abusive relationship, fearing they will not be able to take care of their dc as they have nothing but the clothes on their back to take with them! Your story shows the support that is available for those in need!

I am on the spectrum and very literal thinking, I would likely have answered similar in the past but have developed a better boundary over the last few years. If similar were to be asked again you could say ‘I am so lucky, I received store vouchers for gifts’ still true but not giving away who the gift was from.

Your ‘friend’ is likely bitter and jealous! It is clear she is a new acquaintance as a true friend would just be happy that you and your dc were safe!

bsbabas · 11/06/2018 00:13

I would be selective about who else you are friends with while your still finding your feet

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