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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how you would feel if.......

89 replies

Adamandeveit · 10/06/2018 17:04

Your parents were fully aware that your Db/Dsis were growing and distributing cannabis but choose to say and do nothing about it? I only ask as I found out over a year ago now that my dsis and her partner are involved in a drugs operation and have been growing cannabis. I won’t comment how I found this out in case I out myself but needless to say if I didn’t trust what was said to be true I wouldn’t have even thought on it. I’ve sat on this for a long time now so not to cause upset within the family but I’m so done.

My dsis is nothing but a manipulative, greedy, ruthless money hungry cow yet I’ve gone completely against my morals and sense of what is right and said nothing. Well that was the case up until last month when I decided to tell our parents what had been going on. Now you can call me petty and childish is you like. I’ll be honest and tell you that yes, I told them because I wanted them to think bad of her. But mostly I told them because I couldn’t and shouldn’t have had to keep it quiet all this time. What they are doing is utterly disgusting. My dsis shows no loyalty to me yet I’ve kept such a big thing like this quiet for over a year and I have felt angry with myself.

She and her partner have been together for years. They have three children together and live together but claim to live apart. He, for all legal intents and purposes lives with his brother ie registered for council tax, car insurance etc, however they both live together and have never been apart. I’ve always known this to be the case but as my dsis will never change and has more front than Brighton I ignored it, as after all it doesn’t affect my life.

Her partner some time ago now inherited a large sum of money from his grandmother and my dsis had the nerve to sit in front of me and tell me to my face that there’s no way she will ever register as living with him officially as she will no longer be entitled to any benefits as he would have to declare the money. Now, claiming to live alone is one thing but claiming to live alone when you and you partner have a pretty decent nest egg and can afford to live comfortably without claiming anything, and then on top of that earning thousands from drug dealing is another thing entirely. Again though, it doesn’t affect my life so I kept out of it. But knowing now that she and her partner are growing and dealing drugs to people, possibly even young kids and teenagers the same age my children makes me feel sick to my stomach.

So I told my parents. As previously mentioned i told them partially (childish or not) because I wanted them to know just what she was really like but to my shock my parents didn’t even react. They didn’t ask for any details, appeared very shifty and since then every time tney’ve visited they have been cagey. To say I was upset with their reaction (not just because they didn’t go omg your sister is the devil) is an understatement because I really thought they would care. But I came to realise it’s not that they didn’t care. They reacted in the way that they did either because they already knew about what has been going on or they are somehow involved, whether that be directly or indirectly. I hate thinking this of my parents but my Dh (who’s your typical man and usually doesn’t notice much) has also said he thinks there is something else happening here. I know that what my Dsis is doing doesn’t affect me directly but I’m still furious. I don’t agree with drugs unless they’re used for medical reasons and think drug dealers to me are scum. I didn’t think my own family would be mixed up in this and I’m upset. I’ve started to distance myself from my Dsis as I can’t go on pretending anymore as I’m not a fake person and find it difficult to not show my reaction. The only thing my dad has had to say about it is that he doesn’t want me saying anything to my Dsis but why? We bother no now, the cat is out of the bag as it were. I’ve found myself now though not wanting to be around them either. They all make out that they’re perfect parents and grandparents but my Dsis has no morals, she thinks that if you shower your kids with money and expensive gifts you’re a great parent, and she looks down on other parents who don’t do this. My parents are also obsessed with money and feel they can splash the cash whenever tney want on my kids as opposed to spending any quality time with them. But the fact I know how much my parents earn (less than we do) and they’ve still got a large mortgage for the next 10 years all this going on makes me wonder how they are affording a 40k extension on their home plus other things. Don’t get me wrong I don’t usually care what people earn, I don’t care and I don’t ask. What a person earns doesn’t mean squat to me but i can’t help wondering if all the holidays my parents go on (usually every other month) and the fancy renovations on their home are being funded through these dodgy dealings. I felt so bad even thinking this but I really can’t think of another explanation for my parents unusual behaviour and their reaction to such a big thing like this. Thoughts?

OP posts:
Curlywurlywurly · 10/06/2018 18:44

I've read this before

I thought the same.

SoddingUnicorns · 10/06/2018 18:44

Personal opinions aside, can you link to any evidence that weed has killed anyone ever?

Not by overdose no, but it has been known to exacerbate pre existing MH problems. I’m not anti weed btw, I used to smoke it regularly when I was younger and I’ve had the odd puff as an adult.

It’s not addictive and you can’t OD on it, but it is psychoactive substance which means it can mess with your head, especially the super strong stuff.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/06/2018 18:53

I've read this before

I thought the same.

I was thinking this, but I seem to remember that the post I'm thinking about was just about the sister and whether to tell the parents. Sounds like she did and didn't get the reaction she wanted.

sachabloom · 10/06/2018 19:06

I actually relate to you a lot, my situation is a bit different but I get you.

It's taken years of wondering what the right thing to do was in terms of cutting off family members who I loved but didn't agree with their activities/morals/behaviour but just recently I realised that it was time to cut them off. And I was worried by doing it I'd lose other family members but they've respected my decision and now my quality time with my family isn't affected by the awkwardness.

So, if I were you, I'd cut them off. What they're doing is illegal and until they stop you maybe shouldn't let your kids go around there?

BlancheM · 10/06/2018 19:07

I'd stick to the advice you had the last time around.

Domino20 · 10/06/2018 19:14

Yes, I also remember the poster/situation from sometime ago.

DragonMummy1418 · 10/06/2018 19:14

If cannabis is legalised then it will be moderated in the same way as any drug. It will be safe to use under the recommended guidelines.

If you take too many paracetamols then it will kill you, cannabis is no different.

It will also help (won't stop it but will help) to stop drugs that have been mixed with god knows what.

AfterSchoolWorry · 10/06/2018 19:15

I wouldn't care tbh. I'd keep my distance and file it under 'not my problem'.

DragonMummy1418 · 10/06/2018 19:16

Your only three options (given the views / morals you have) are

  1. NC / LC
  2. report anonymously
  3. Ignore it all
JustAnotherSod · 10/06/2018 20:15

they are my parents after all

They are also your sisters parents, you seem to be forgetting this or, at least, expecting them to 'side' with you over her. I've learnt through experience to back off from judging my adult siblings relationships with our parents, the reasons and complexities in any relationship cannot be judged from the outside, and that's what we are, no matter how close the ties are.

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 10/06/2018 20:18

Do your parents have any health issues? Maybe they are using the cannabis or your dsis is making cbd oil with some of it and giving it to them? The oil can be a huge help with a range of health issues and smoking or injesting the cannabis can also help with pain management and other issues.

If you don't think that's the case, then I would report them. Warning your dsis that you think it's wrong etc etc isn't going to do anything, she's not going to go "oh yes, I knew it was wrong, I'll stop immediately".

LiteraryDevil1 · 10/06/2018 21:10

I'd report the cannabis growing to the police and the benefit fraud to the benefit fraud hotline. I've reported someone for benefit fraud and the call operator was lovely and was very grateful for me bringing it to their attention.

crispysausagerolls · 10/06/2018 22:01

This is a totally pointless AIBU. People are giving you suggestions and you don’t want to listen to them. So what’s the point? Either report them or let it go. Letting your children go round there/your excuses for letting them are really lame btw.

Adamandeveit · 13/06/2018 12:01

Well I’ve spoken again with my parents and made it very clear that I’m not happy about the situation and upset that they don’t respect me enough to be honest with me. They said that they do respect me but the top and bottom of it is they want a quiet life and not to have a huge fall out within the family. I told them that’s their choice but explained how I feel that they are rather gutless and that if it we were one of my children involved in this kind of thing I wouldn’t let it go and they’d know how I felt about it whether they liked it or not. I guess we are just different people. They can’t be arsed dealing with the situation because they’re scared of my Dsis and that she might stop them from seeing her kids. Me personally if my kids did that to me then it would say more about them than it does me. I wouldn’t care. I know wrong from right. Clearly my parents don’t. How I’ve grown up the way I am having a strong sense of self and what is right and wrong is beyond me. I plan on seeing both my parents and my Dsis when I have to but that’s about it.

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