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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how you would feel if.......

89 replies

Adamandeveit · 10/06/2018 17:04

Your parents were fully aware that your Db/Dsis were growing and distributing cannabis but choose to say and do nothing about it? I only ask as I found out over a year ago now that my dsis and her partner are involved in a drugs operation and have been growing cannabis. I won’t comment how I found this out in case I out myself but needless to say if I didn’t trust what was said to be true I wouldn’t have even thought on it. I’ve sat on this for a long time now so not to cause upset within the family but I’m so done.

My dsis is nothing but a manipulative, greedy, ruthless money hungry cow yet I’ve gone completely against my morals and sense of what is right and said nothing. Well that was the case up until last month when I decided to tell our parents what had been going on. Now you can call me petty and childish is you like. I’ll be honest and tell you that yes, I told them because I wanted them to think bad of her. But mostly I told them because I couldn’t and shouldn’t have had to keep it quiet all this time. What they are doing is utterly disgusting. My dsis shows no loyalty to me yet I’ve kept such a big thing like this quiet for over a year and I have felt angry with myself.

She and her partner have been together for years. They have three children together and live together but claim to live apart. He, for all legal intents and purposes lives with his brother ie registered for council tax, car insurance etc, however they both live together and have never been apart. I’ve always known this to be the case but as my dsis will never change and has more front than Brighton I ignored it, as after all it doesn’t affect my life.

Her partner some time ago now inherited a large sum of money from his grandmother and my dsis had the nerve to sit in front of me and tell me to my face that there’s no way she will ever register as living with him officially as she will no longer be entitled to any benefits as he would have to declare the money. Now, claiming to live alone is one thing but claiming to live alone when you and you partner have a pretty decent nest egg and can afford to live comfortably without claiming anything, and then on top of that earning thousands from drug dealing is another thing entirely. Again though, it doesn’t affect my life so I kept out of it. But knowing now that she and her partner are growing and dealing drugs to people, possibly even young kids and teenagers the same age my children makes me feel sick to my stomach.

So I told my parents. As previously mentioned i told them partially (childish or not) because I wanted them to know just what she was really like but to my shock my parents didn’t even react. They didn’t ask for any details, appeared very shifty and since then every time tney’ve visited they have been cagey. To say I was upset with their reaction (not just because they didn’t go omg your sister is the devil) is an understatement because I really thought they would care. But I came to realise it’s not that they didn’t care. They reacted in the way that they did either because they already knew about what has been going on or they are somehow involved, whether that be directly or indirectly. I hate thinking this of my parents but my Dh (who’s your typical man and usually doesn’t notice much) has also said he thinks there is something else happening here. I know that what my Dsis is doing doesn’t affect me directly but I’m still furious. I don’t agree with drugs unless they’re used for medical reasons and think drug dealers to me are scum. I didn’t think my own family would be mixed up in this and I’m upset. I’ve started to distance myself from my Dsis as I can’t go on pretending anymore as I’m not a fake person and find it difficult to not show my reaction. The only thing my dad has had to say about it is that he doesn’t want me saying anything to my Dsis but why? We bother no now, the cat is out of the bag as it were. I’ve found myself now though not wanting to be around them either. They all make out that they’re perfect parents and grandparents but my Dsis has no morals, she thinks that if you shower your kids with money and expensive gifts you’re a great parent, and she looks down on other parents who don’t do this. My parents are also obsessed with money and feel they can splash the cash whenever tney want on my kids as opposed to spending any quality time with them. But the fact I know how much my parents earn (less than we do) and they’ve still got a large mortgage for the next 10 years all this going on makes me wonder how they are affording a 40k extension on their home plus other things. Don’t get me wrong I don’t usually care what people earn, I don’t care and I don’t ask. What a person earns doesn’t mean squat to me but i can’t help wondering if all the holidays my parents go on (usually every other month) and the fancy renovations on their home are being funded through these dodgy dealings. I felt so bad even thinking this but I really can’t think of another explanation for my parents unusual behaviour and their reaction to such a big thing like this. Thoughts?

OP posts:
FreudianSlurp · 10/06/2018 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoddingUnicorns · 10/06/2018 18:03

I expect to see you back in a couple of years in hysterics because your teen has been arrested for for dealing

Whaaat?

Adamandeveit · 10/06/2018 18:04

They’re not. I know exactly where they are doing it from and it’s not their home. My Dsis is too clever to do that.

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 10/06/2018 18:04

Actually I think they should. Not because drugs are good, they’re not, at all. But it would sort out the bloody gang wars/turf wars/violence that blights my local area if the control was removed from the gangs! It would also stop bad batches killing addicts.

So not pro drugs at all, alcohol is legislated, drugs should be too. Both are ridiculous when used the wrong way.

Adamandeveit · 10/06/2018 18:05

I have questioned my morals believe you me. I have felt bad for keeping quiet but then I know my sister and if I don’t have any actual proof which I suppose actually
I don’t she’d just deny it and shut up shop for a while until everything died down.

OP posts:
trojanpony · 10/06/2018 18:10

This is shocking - From what you have written it’s serious stuff. They are involved in large scale dealing.

I would anonymously report to what you know to the police

TSSDNCOP · 10/06/2018 18:10

So you disagree vehemently with drugs and fraud but you’re not going to do anything about it, and the only thing you want to happen is for your parents to admit they’re complicit.

On the first, dob them in or accept you are condoning drugs and fraud.

On the second, I honestly don’t see what forcing your parents into a confession will achieve.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 10/06/2018 18:12

I would do nothing. The less you know the better. Hate the sin. Love the sinner

Adamandeveit · 10/06/2018 18:12

I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. Yes I want my parents to be truthful but I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request, they are my parents after all.

OP posts:
TheBigFatMermaid · 10/06/2018 18:12

I think probably your parents are ignoring this because of the children. I know that on here people are told to cut their parents off at the drop of a hat, over any disagreement, so they are trying to avoid being cut out of their grandchildrens lives.

Adamandeveit · 10/06/2018 18:14

The problem I have really is that if my mouth doesn’t tell the truth my face usually does. I’m a terrible liar, one of the reasons why I usually
stick to the truth. If I don’t say upset, angry, disappointed etc then my face will, I just can’t help it.

OP posts:
Adamandeveit · 10/06/2018 18:17

The thing is though they don’t have to be cut off. They don’t have to say anything to my sister. All they have to do really is be honest with me. If they did that and told me the reason they’ve kept quiet is because of the kids then that would be fine. Well not fine as I’d still be mad but at least I’d then understand their intentions. But as it stands they clearly don’t respect me enough to be honest with me and that’s harsh.

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 10/06/2018 18:18

But why are you holding your parents to account? Your sisters a dealer and fraudster, you suspect your parents are complicit. But so what? You aren’t going to do anything. Not even remove your kids from the presence of people you suspect to be criminals. I just don’t see what the confession session from your parents is supposed to achieve?

ParellelReality · 10/06/2018 18:20

Nothing ridiculous about thinking drugs should be decriminalised. The majority of the problems associated with drug misuse would be eradicated.

And it depends whether you think people can make informed decisions what to put in their bodies. I think they can.

Adamandeveit · 10/06/2018 18:20

I’ve not said I’m going to do nothing. I’m weighing up the options and the reality of my actions. I’m not 100% sure that my parents aren’t somehow involved. I just want to know if this is true and then I can decide what to do from there. But I don’t suppose I’ll ever know the truth.

OP posts:
Adamandeveit · 10/06/2018 18:22

So what you’re saying is if drugs are legalised people will be less likely to overdose and quite possibly kill themselves? Or maybe people will suddenly decide to use less if tney know tney can get them more freely?

OP posts:
Somertime · 10/06/2018 18:26

If you are aware of this and don't inform when they eventually get caught there is a chance you will get caught up in it. If your parents are involved the police will naturally look at other family members.

You say the cousins are not affected but there are undoubtedly criminals meeting with your family. Your Dsis is normalizing criminal activity to her kids which makes it much more likely they will get involved in the future.

There will be people they sell to who are vulnerable, mentally ill, getting into debt or stealing money as a result. By not reporting your suspicions to the police you are helping to perpetuate this.

It's a very unhealthy environment for everyone. You can be the one to stop it and start addressing the problem or you can ignore it and be part of the problem.

Somertime · 10/06/2018 18:28

Sorry, that did have paragraphs but they disappeared.

Summersnake · 10/06/2018 18:28

I've read this before

TSSDNCOP · 10/06/2018 18:31

Even if cannabis was legal your sister would still be growing and selling it to kids. Do you think she’d suddenly start paying tax on her crop profit.

As the PP said, like it or not, you’re part of the problem.

ParellelReality · 10/06/2018 18:32

If you're talking about heroin then yes, if the supply is controlled and monitored you will reduce accidental OD. The majority of heroin ODs are people who have been abstinent for a while and their tolerance has dropped and/or the heroin was of unexpected purity or more likely cut with someone else like fentanyl.

But on a wider scale, you'll reduce antisocial behaviour, half empty the prisons and you can put that money into actual effective drug treatment. Unlike what we do know where some people offend to get IN to prison because as shitty as prison is, they'll be given a detox which they're often currently not able to access in the community.

ParellelReality · 10/06/2018 18:33

Summersnake - yeah, pretty sure OP posted about this when she initially found it.

Banterlope · 10/06/2018 18:36

If drugs were legalised of course some people would OD and kill themselves, but the violence associated with the drug trade would be massively reduced. Also society would benefit from the tax revenue generated and the purity of the drugs they consumed would be safer. Making drugs illegal doesn't seem to have stopped people taking drugs.

Personal opinions aside, can you link to any evidence that weed has killed anyone ever?

AcrossthePond55 · 10/06/2018 18:38

Why do you feel you are entitled to an explanation? Your parents reasons for apparently accepting what your sister is doing is none of your business and they don't owe you any explanation. Their acceptance isn't taking the roof out from over your head nor food from your mouth. They are entitled to accept or not accept what any of their children do. I'd like to hear what you thought if your sister demanded an explanation from them about what you choose to do! And don't say 'but what she's doing is illegal'!!! That's not the point. The point is that our relationships with our adult children are separate and unless a decision for one is to the detriment of the other, then neither has a say or a right to 'demand' anything.

You won't turn your sister over to the police. You won't report them for benefit fraud. Both of these would be the morally correct thing to do and you won't do either. You don't stand on such high ground from where I'm standing.

And depending on your parent's ages and 'habits', they may very well be 'benefiting' from DSis's 'venture'. Weed's legal where I live and the number of people in my generation who've started (or restarted) using weed is pretty astounding.

Tistheseason17 · 10/06/2018 18:40

You aren’t going todoanything

^ this

I agree to some elements of the rationale of decriminalisation of cannabis, however, not all cannabis is the same. Some does cause mental health issues including paranoia etc

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