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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find single parenthood totally shit

51 replies

Miladamermalada · 10/06/2018 15:42

That's it really. It may be easier with an exP/H who shoulders some burden financially or has the kids EoW. We cannot have contact due to DV or my kids would go in care immediately.
Everyday I wake up my stomach sinks and thinks 'fuck not again'. I have 4, aged 2 to 14. Gone are the days when I tucked them up at 7 with a dvd on. They stay up until I go to sleep and the baby wakes before me. So they are there every single waking second. I work from home 2 days a week and they are bloody bliss, but, I'm working.
I'm considering going part time just to have some peace, I feel I can't cope.
There's no where to go to get away from them or the responsibility. I get whinging from the older ones and whining from the baby. It's never quiet, the house is always a mess and I'm utterly sick of it.
Parenting is shit.
In a way I regret having the youngest because I was divorced last year and only now can I see the extent of ExH's evil and nastiness. It feels like a sentence until she's at school, that is all I can aim for. All our lives are hard. I'm less patient, they have to put up with the noise of a baby and life just seems graft whenever I'm awake. There's always something wrong with one of them or they're fighting or something is broken. The 2 year old just tantrums and throws things, smears food up the walls. I just think 'fuck this shit'. Everyone else I know on a Friday night has a takeaway or a partner coming home or goes out. I was stuck in the kitchen wet wiping fucking pasta off the floor listening to them all whinging about having to eat salad. Fucking salad.
It's not even like I'd find a partner. There would be no time to spend alone with them as the kids are always around, I've no babysitter.
I have no hobbies.
I know I had them and they have what they need and more and are looked after but had I known this is how it would be then I thought to myself last night, I never would have had any. I know they didn't ask to be born and I do the right things and make the right sounds but some days I just feel nothing except resentment and total horror that this is it for 16 years. Someone said to me earlier that women make things difficult for themselves and I just thought 'yep'. I've fucked up my whole life. I dread weekends and holidays.
I do love them I do but Jesus I can only take so much. AIBU to think single parenthood is just shit.

OP posts:

Pa1oma · 10/06/2018 16:20

Mila, that does sound extremely intense. You sound totally exhausted and I'm not surprised. If you can afford to go part-time then I would do that. Use that day to recharge because you deserve it. I'm sorry you're in this situation. You do have 4 DC though who will appreciate it all one day and look after you in the future. It's exhausting now, but at least you'll never be alone in that sense. Could you contact SS for some respite babysitting or something maybe?

C0untDucku1a · 10/06/2018 16:25

The children all need age appropriate chores and consequences.
At 9pm everyoe should be in their rooms.
Thry complain about the food, bin it and send it to bed.

Do not let them be rude to you. End the cycle.

Is there any form of hell you could access from ss?

C0untDucku1a · 10/06/2018 16:25

I meant help
Not hell. Sorry.

Original poster

Miladamermalada · 10/06/2018 16:35

hell
I did post a thread about housing the other day and am going to contact SS tomorrow, thank you.
As awful as it sounds I considered adoption for my 2 year old and sometimes wish I'd gone ahead. I've thought of doing it now but it wouldn't be fair, everything is too familiar to her it would damage her developmentally to leave. I think emotionally I would cope though-how awful.
I've been honest with my HV, she's not concerned. I said to my counsellor that I hoped one day that strong bonded feeling would come but she said it may never come and to wait for it is pressuring me and I needed to just focus on the fact day by day her needs are met. She said there's nothing wrong with surviving until they go to school, more people feel like that than we think.
It just feels never ending.

OP posts:

Roobear23 · 10/06/2018 16:53

You could try contacting Home Start for an extra pair of hands and a friend. It sounds really tough.

Original poster

Miladamermalada · 10/06/2018 16:55

I have Roo, they came for an assessment as I was under the perinatal mental health team and after a year transferred to the psychosis team. They said I would benefit greatly but got a letter saying there were no workers available. They said they go to the mums who are struggling to parent effectively first. I'm parenting ok I just hate it lol

OP posts:

Jo4kidsANDiworkfromhome · 10/06/2018 16:58

This reply has been deleted

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ichifanny · 10/06/2018 17:06

Jesus ^ was just waiting for a MLM boy to pounce on someone feeling shite , feck off Jo4kids
Op if it’s any consolation I have 4 kids and a partner and I feel this way too often , it’s relentless and I feel no one ever wants to bloody sleep I can’t inagine how hard it is on your own , all I can say is it does get easier as kids get older , try get them all in bed earlier to try regain some sanity and alone time .

ichifanny · 10/06/2018 17:06

Bot not boy.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 10/06/2018 17:13

Everyone else I know on a Friday night has a takeaway or a partner coming home or goes out

Don't think everyone is out having a great time -most are doing the same as you ie looking after the kids, housework etc.

EssentialHummus · 10/06/2018 17:14

Come on jo, we're all dying to hear about this business of yours.

Clairetree1 · 10/06/2018 17:17

does it have a pointy top by any chance?

EssexMummy123456 · 10/06/2018 17:22

does your two year old get the 15 funded nursery hours? maybe that could give you a break.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 10/06/2018 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FoofFighter · 10/06/2018 17:26

Reported the bot

Mila - I'd definitely agree with getting some routine and boundaries in place for the children. You need some downtime in the evenings and children of those ages should not be staying up until you go to bed.

Are the older children ok after all the upheaval? Are you? Could you all benefit from any help like counselling?

for you for getting out by the way, brave and strong woman you are, even if you don't feel like it. And echoing above poster, don't think that everyone else is living the life of riley on a bed of scented roses. We arent.

FoofFighter · 10/06/2018 17:27

Boxes - did you not read the fact that the OP fled from a domestic violence situation ffs?

Original poster

Miladamermalada · 10/06/2018 17:27

You don't even know what I do Jo

OP posts:

JELLYFISHANDCHIPS · 10/06/2018 17:29

Single parenthood is a shit, thankless slog and anyone who has done it understands. I think you should go part time and give yourself a break. I did and it kept me sane. Keep your head up, nothing stays the same forever.

Inkanta · 10/06/2018 17:31

Yes OP that is stressful! You deserve a medal bless you.

Earlybird · 10/06/2018 17:38

Do you have family who can help at all?

As hard as it may be as a single parent (and I do sympathise), it has to be far better living alone with your dc than living with a violent partner.

I understand the feeling of dread that comes with the weekend, but found it helped enormously to have a few plans that kept us occupied, and got us out of the house. Whether a trip to the park, a picnic, cooking for fun, going to a museum, visiting friends (who having friends 'round), planning a movie night at home with popcorn, going to the library, etc. Those long empty days can be the worst. Make plans. it helps.

Try to take care of yourself, be a good Mum, and remember how far you've come.

Jimdandy · 10/06/2018 17:40

Some good advice here.

Are you on a low income? Your 2 year old might qualify for the 2 year old 15 funded hours? If you’re over the income threshold then ask your Social worker about it, they can apply to the scheme. Puncould then have her in nursery 5 mornings or afternoons a week during term time.

Home starts a good idea too.

Thehogfather · 10/06/2018 17:45

It isn't single parenthood that's shit, it's your particular circumstances. It isn't even about not having their dad around still to do his share, plenty of us are in that boat and have very positive experiences.

The issue is that right now you are in a bad place, practically and mentally. You and the older dc will all still be feeling the impact of the dv. So it's a vicious circle, they are harder work than their chronological age would suggest, and you are at your lowest point. And you already know you appear to have some form of pnd related to the youngest, who is naturally harder work as a toddler.

I escaped dv in pregnancy, but to an extent I think we're all given the illusion that everything will be great once you've got away, and that just isn't reality. Leaving is only putting on your boots, you still have to climb the mountain.

It won't be like this for the next 16years, just till you and the older dc have recovered from your ex. In the meantime could you find pt eve work? I know that sounds ridiculous given you are already exhausted. But in the short term you doing a few nights in a pub or similar, even if it just covers a babysitter and someone to do a few hours cleaning a week might be easier mentally than you doing those evenings at home.

AnyLondoner · 10/06/2018 17:53

I totally get you OP, I have three children. 5 , 4 & 2. My two year old is the same as yours, throwing food on the floor etc. I do and have done everything on my own from the moment they were born, DH did nothing and we're separating but that's another thread. I'm 28, but I feel like i have aged a decade since I had my children. I have dark circles under my eyes, I'm tired and grumpy some days. But it does get better the older they get. I found it really hard with my youngest, he had eczema and could never sleep properly. Broken sleep for 2 years straight took its toll on me, but things are better now. Yes it's still hard doing everything, but come 7pm and they're all sleep and I can finally put my feet up and relax .

What I'm trying to say is that having a routine is key. You need to make sure the younger ones are in bed by 7pm and eldest latest by 9pm. So you have the evening to yourself and can relax. I don't think the problem is what you do during the day, or how annoying the children are. I think the issue is that you don't get time to relax in the evening when they're in bed and unwind, ready for the next day. You don't have anything to look forward to.

And make sure the 14 year old doesn't make things difficult for you and make it easier.

Right now my youngest is running around the house playing catch with DD, he will go to bed soon as he hasn't had a nap today. I promised DD and DS I will do a puzzle with them once he's in bed, around 6.30 and at 7pm, DS and DD will go to bed

FluorescentAdolesent · 10/06/2018 17:56

I can totally sympathise as I'm in the same position exactly though my youngest is now 5. I'm in a new area with a new name. My family have never been supportive and I feel totally overwhelmed most of the time there is not a single second that someone says it's ok just have 5 mins , the space in my head is now filled constantly flash backs to marriage of 25 years.
But I'm learning stuff about myself I never thought I could do and each day even as I feed them beans on toast again and again, I'm free

joliejoleen · 10/06/2018 18:16

It is shit. So shit. I work full time as a teacher and want to kill myself most days. I never get a break, my ex never has the kids. I feel your pain. I really do.

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