To find single parenthood totally shit

[Miladamermalada]

That's it really. It may be easier with an exP/H who shoulders some burden financially or has the kids EoW. We cannot have contact due to DV or my kids would go in care immediately.
Everyday I wake up my stomach sinks and thinks 'fuck not again'. I have 4, aged 2 to 14. Gone are the days when I tucked them up at 7 with a dvd on. They stay up until I go to sleep and the baby wakes before me. So they are there every single waking second. I work from home 2 days a week and they are bloody bliss, but, I'm working.
I'm considering going part time just to have some peace, I feel I can't cope.
There's no where to go to get away from them or the responsibility. I get whinging from the older ones and whining from the baby. It's never quiet, the house is always a mess and I'm utterly sick of it.
Parenting is shit.
In a way I regret having the youngest because I was divorced last year and only now can I see the extent of ExH's evil and nastiness. It feels like a sentence until she's at school, that is all I can aim for. All our lives are hard. I'm less patient, they have to put up with the noise of a baby and life just seems graft whenever I'm awake. There's always something wrong with one of them or they're fighting or something is broken. The 2 year old just tantrums and throws things, smears food up the walls. I just think 'fuck this shit'. Everyone else I know on a Friday night has a takeaway or a partner coming home or goes out. I was stuck in the kitchen wet wiping fucking pasta off the floor listening to them all whinging about having to eat salad. Fucking salad.
It's not even like I'd find a partner. There would be no time to spend alone with them as the kids are always around, I've no babysitter.
I have no hobbies.
I know I had them and they have what they need and more and are looked after but had I known this is how it would be then I thought to myself last night, I never would have had any. I know they didn't ask to be born and I do the right things and make the right sounds but some days I just feel nothing except resentment and total horror that this is it for 16 years. Someone said to me earlier that women make things difficult for themselves and I just thought 'yep'. I've fucked up my whole life. I dread weekends and holidays.
I do love them I do but Jesus I can only take so much. AIBU to think single parenthood is just shit.

And it's Sunday afternoon and my house is a fucking tip thanks to my 3yo. My bedroom is trashed, my bedding is on the floor, his toys are everywhere and I just want to cry. I have no energy for any of this. And my 11yo is lovely but just hopeless. He has homework due tomorrow but left his homework sheet at school. His room is a tip too and needs dusting. And I can't leave him to do it cos it would take him 10 fucking years.
I have no energy for this shit. And when they go to bed, I have to plan my lessons for tomorrow, wash dishes, ans do all kinds of shit I don't want to be doing on a Sunday night. I hate my life.

Yep agree you need to sort the bedtime routine, it'll be shit in the short term but if you can get them all to bed in the evening you will have something to look forward to. A couple of hours to yourself.

You NEED to get him to do it jolie, he's 11! Don't make things harder on yourself, I never tidy up my children's bedrooms they do it themselves. I will obviously hoover and mop but they will tidy up when told. And they're 5 & 4. You need to teach them as they get older, otherwise you will end up doing everything.

You do sound tired Jolie - you hang in there. Get your breaks where you can.

Mila i was complaining about my day until I read your post. Now I've had a massive cup of shut the fuck up and will never complain again. Have 2dc and a mostly engaged (with prompting) DH. If you keep them warm, fed, vaguely clean you're doing okay. Well done!

I am happy being a single parent but I am very lucky that I have an exh who is involved both physically and financially with our child. I also have only one child and I get breaks when he's with his dad.

I get told all the time that I'm doing a great job "on my own" but I'm not really on my own, I'm just not in a relationship.

You women on this thread are the ones who are really doing an amazing job and I can go on about how wonderful being a single parent is but I don't have it anywhere near as hard as any of you. I take my hat off to you all.

Leaving is only putting on your boots, you still have to climb the mountain.
This this this. After the initial relief and a high now I've dropped with a thud. Fuck-how am I going to do it.
I like the idea of planning something for the weekend. I feel better having been out. My eldest would gladly stay in the bedroom all weekend only emerging for toilet and food, and eat sweets and ipad. I'm sure that's normal for a teenager but to be honest it does my head in. Moan moan moan.
The nail on the head is that I get no evening time. I miss that, I got it when they were young. So that's going to start from tomorrow when they're at school again.
I will get the 15 hours free from September, it's been arranged with a familiar person to my child. I honestly cannot wait, it will be three longer days rather than 5 mornings, I will pay the rest.
I'm going to look for a babysitter even just to go to the cinema with a friend. I am desperate for this, I have had one night out in 14 years which was a works do I needed to go to. I was never allowed to dress nicely. I look now and resent it all because I just think fuck I've had nothing for years, it's like suddenly I want to make up for lost time and go wild.
I know 4 is a lot. I know other parents also parent on a weekend but many get that relief of being able to say 'there you go I'm having a bath' when the dad gets back. Although I appreciate not all can, and how I am is better than being called a whore and a slag all the time.

It is shit. So shit. I work full time as a teacher and want to kill myself most days.
I know this feeling too well. I'm sorry you also feel that way x

Jolie I urge you to get a two week sicknote and use it to rest. For what it's worth I've just tidied round and feel a lot better. The mess makes us feel worse.
Tipsey problems are relative, no need to 'shut the fuck up'. After all as Box says I did choose to have four, although when I had sex was largely down to when he said I would . I used to think this was normal, until I listened to other people and had therapy.
If I refused he'd laugh at me

Not got any advice really but just wanted to send a hug, it's sounds bloody hard. Parenting is hard enough with a partner let alone on your own. As your little one is now 2, can they attend some nursery sessions? Not sure how old your others are but if all at school you could potentially get a few (much needed) time to yourself

Oh sorry just seen you've said about nursery u think that'll make big difference! And definitely try and get a babysitter. Also your plan of trying to get an evening back, little ones in bed early, teens in their rooms by...whatever time you think. Good luck

It's just a very strange feeling after living a half life to see reality again. It's good and awful.
I could honestly go wild like a teenager. Drinking smoking sleeping around. After years of being controlled.
On the other hand I'm resentful after everything what shit I've been left with. And yes they may sense it but I cannot sugar coat our situation. It's been awful, beyond awful. And I will struggle for a long time, and they need to help me, and they need to know that.
I'm still sat downstairs, one in the shower, one bathed and watching tv upstairs but got a 13 yr old and a 2 yr old still next to me. This is what I mean. If I put the 2 yr old to bed she will scream, the other boy is like glue, wherever I am he's there.
Arghhhhhh

Op that sounds seriously tough, but what stands out is that you and the kids are all reacting to being out of the abusive situation.

It is not normal for a 13 yr old to cling like that but he is adjusting and that will probably pass.

I would make getting evenings back a priority, set up reward charts for the younger ones to have proper routines and bedtimes, show them and have fun rewards for the end of the week/next day if they follow the routine on time, be firm and consistant.

Get the older ones on board to help. Then tackle the 13 yr old going to bed at a reasonable time for school, l have a 12 yr old who goes upstairs at 8pm and reads till 8.30 on school nights ( set a reasonable time to suit you and him) then sleep....again rewards will help.

The 14 yr old could still have a set bedtime, or time to be in their room and quiet.

If you could have from even 9pm till you go to bed each day, to watch tv, chat to a friend, have a bath, get organised for the morning, it would help so much.

I agree with the poster who said set chores for all but the youngest, write them down and put up in the kitchen, be upbeat and enthusiastic and very firm (tough l know)

They need to learn to help and respect you, clean up and help, (I have zero tolerance for moaning and wining, it results in extra chores! v.effective)
Be really kind and grateful for any tasks completed, they will soon learn home is a much nicer place working as a team and with a happier mum.

Well done for getting away and l am sure you will create a great home in time.

Oh I see, how long have you been single Mila?

Its so fucking hard and if you are exhausted it makes it 100 times worse.

You need your evenings back.

I would seriously go part time.

IF you get time, try to declutter. Only have so many clothes per child etc. Else it gets so so overwhelming.

Try and food shop online.

I have spent the 4th fucking sunny/hot weekend in a row decluttering and going to the tip.

I really feel for you

I left in 2016 the minute I found out I was pregnant as the violence was low level for a long time but pregnancy was like bellows to a fire it made him hate me on a level I still don't understand. So I've not been with anyone for 2 years.
I am trying to keep on top of the house bit by bit and getting there.
I do usually do Lidl but am going to asda for a bit to see if it's easier.

I have been single parenting full-time for five years since DH died and it is incredibly hard work. My two are now of an age where they help me (but younger than most kids doing chores, but training them has helped). I work part-time so that I can have some time to myself in the week and it keeps me sane, but when it is compromised by illness etc.. things can quickly become unmanageable. It are my hat off to you managing with four kids. Do go part time if you can and yes, yes to booking a sitter. This is where I need to improve and go out more, but my kids don't like me going out. Hold on in there and do teach them to help you - short term pain for a longer term gain.

That was supposed to say 'I take my hat off to you'!!

Big hugs Mila. My ex destroyed me and I live every day feeling resentful, angry and miserable. And thinking how unfair it is that I've been left with everything.
I have only just sat down after doing housework. Now I need to sort out my lessons for tomorrow. What are you up to? Are your kids finally in bed?

Sounds hard

As you are coping and having to parent 4 struggling kids when struggling yourself

And abuse damages and make you angry . I think people underestimate how much women store up and then it testers and comes out another way

And of course children should not receive the anger but when you are a LP...

OP you sound incredibly self aware and savvy . You can see that the situation as it is .

I think to be able to look after your kids you need to look after yourself first

I appreciate that accessing MH support is hard but I know of a excellent people who have supported this . They do charge ( getting via NHS )

But it might be a worthwhile investment as sounds like to you need some hope and a debrief of quite how awful it was

And some resilience and rest and a helping hand how to parent

Op I think you have been so brave and open . I really take my hat off to you .

In the short term some practical ideas :

Hold a house meeting . Discuss how hard it’s been . Share you are struggling . Ask them how they feel . Lay out some short term mutual expectations and agree to review in a month

Ask for the elders To help with the youngest

Read up about the freedom programme

You know all of the simple MH advice ? Eat healthy , exercise , gardening , connecting . They do work actually . Pick a couple

Now the weather is nice plan some trips . Even a picnic at a local park will lift spirits

With the 2 year old fake it till you can make it . Do the the toddler groups and parks when you can .

Focus on some small actions to de clutter and like your home better .

I hope not all useless ideas ! 🌈

Hand on in there

And Jolie

If every day you feel
Like want to die - I would visit a GP and get some anti depressants . They help and can take the worst away . I appreciate it’s cirxumstantial but you deserve more than wishing yourself dead every day

Just a thought. Would your 14 year old help with the little ones when they’re not at school just so you can tidy up get a bath or something? My friend has 5 children, 13,12,5,3,1 and the 12 and 13 year old will often play with the little ones in the lounge so she can clean the kitchen or have a bath or get herself sorted for the day. It’s never for long maybe an hour on a Saturday morning.

How I see it is your a family and you all need to pull together and help each other. You need to drill that in to the kids too. Yes you are exhausted but if you can get them into a proper routine especially the little ones and get some structure you will probably find you’re less tired. Get the older ones roped in to help too. You don’t have to have them do loads but picking up after themselves and helping round the house a bit won’t hurt them

Oh and fwiw my 7 year old spent 2 hours in her bedroom the other day because I’m fed up of tidying it and I told her she wasn’t to come downstairs until she had out all her clothes back in the wardrobe and picked her stuff up. Would have taken her 10 mins if she haven’t been tamtruming about it but hopefully she won’t mess it up like that again

Try to look at least a year ahead - it will all have changed, 2 y old will be at nursery more and able to speak and understand what you are telling it.And no longer chucking food around. That will make a big difference. 14 yo will be a year older and maybe able to do more.
I would try to ignore the mess in the house. Once they are all older they can tidy their own stuff. I would have a heart to heart with 14 year old and explain that you are worn out and please can they do what ever, tidy up after meals, read a bed time story to one or other, or play with the 2 year old for half an hour. They might be willing.
Children only know their childhood, they will accept that they live in in untidy house as the norm, or that they all go to bed at 7.30 as the norm, or that they have a sandwich for tea every night.Do what you need to cope. Get tough over bed times or whatever matters to you the most. People always tell you 'they'll be grown up before you know it' and it's true though you never believe them at the time.

That sounds like really positive steps. It definitely gets easier as they get older (mind you there are another set of problems then but you hopefully won't be as knackered so it is easier to deal with). The days out plans sound great, keep it simple, even if they whinge half the time i find they are in better moods once you are all home.