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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I can't get out of this event without being a bitch?

58 replies

TrickyTrickTrick · 10/06/2018 07:35

I have been invited to a friend's 30th birthday. She is not a close friend as such, we've been out for group drinks a few times, chat on the school run, our DC are friends but we are still in the 'getting to know you' phase of new friendship.

The original plan was a weekend away, city break type. Shopping/spa/dinner/drinks etc. I said yes to going (a few of my closer friends are also going), date arranged and plans to book hotel etc going on.

This friend has now changed her mind about what she wants to do and wants to go to a retreat that does 'group healing' and 'mediumship workshops' and other stuff along that line. This is so not my thing its not even funny, i don't even know how i could handle a whole weekend of that sort of stuff.

Obviously to her face I would never say anything, the last time she organised going to a medium thing i was 'busy'. i'm completely happy with the 'each to their own' thing but i would never go to something like that and have no interest in being 'openminded' to something like it. I would normally make sure i was 'busy' for any of these sorts of invites, I don't want to offend people by outright saying 'its a load of hokum, not on your life would you get me there' but that is the truth of my feelings to be honest!

But i have already said yes to her original invite! Is there any way I can back out of this without being a bitch? It's not completely selfish, I am also genuinely worried I will ruin the weekend for her because I cannot take that sort of stuff seriously.

What do I do? Can I get out of this without effectively saying 'i think you're a nutter to believe this stuff?' Or do I have to somehow suck it up for a weekend (and hate every second).

Help!!

OP posts:
Bigfathairyones · 10/06/2018 07:37

I would be honest (leaving out the nutter bit!)
‘Sorry friend, but I just don’t believe in mediums etc and would feel intensely uncomfortable going to a retreat with this kind of activity. I’d love to meet up with you for a birthday drink sometime and have a lovely time away.’

TERFragetteCity · 10/06/2018 07:39

'Hi. Sorry but that's really not my thing - i'd be very grumpy and spoilt it for you so I'm not going to be able to go. Let me know when you are around and we can go for lunch to celebrate'.

MrsExpo · 10/06/2018 07:51

She’s changed the plans and the new plans don’t suit you. Just be honest and say that. Tell her it’s just not your thing and you’d rather not go. Wish her well, maybe suggest a get together for drinks/a meal of whatever.

WhipItGood · 10/06/2018 07:54

Yes, be tactful of course, but honest and firm. It’s quite a niche interest. Even though it’s her birthday she’d be pretty unrealistic to expect everyone she knows to be interested enough to spend money on a whole weekend doing it. It’s perfectly reasonable that some people would feel uncomfortable.

Say it soon though, because if you look like your wavering about going people sometimes go on and on about please come, you’ll love it etc..

Original poster
TrickyTrickTrick · 10/06/2018 07:54

gosh i was expecting replied to be 'its her birthday, suck it up'!

I'm not good with confrontation so really nervous in case she gets all offended about it.

OP posts:
summerinrome · 10/06/2018 07:54

I would be very polite and say you can't make it, but would love to get together for birthday drinks.
Exit quickly and kindly.

summerinrome · 10/06/2018 07:57

Just text her now.
'I am so sorry I can't make the weekend away, but would love to celebrate with you another time. Let me know what dates you can do for drinks. Have a great birthday xx'

You are not close friends and she will not be offended.

Wishfulmakeupping · 10/06/2018 07:57

Yy what summer said I wouldn’t leave it as closer to event will be much harder to get out of

lynzpynz · 10/06/2018 07:58

As pp’s have said honesty is the best policy. Don’t need to be rude but i’d not want to go to or fund a place like this either! I’d just use a version of what’s been suggested above.

Clionba · 10/06/2018 08:00

Just be honest, it's not rude to say "it's not my thing, thanks anyway".

DownUdderer · 10/06/2018 08:03

She’s rude to change plans after people have agreed to something! A small change is fine but to totally change the plan is ridiculous! I’d definitely just tell her you can’t make it.

Miloarmadillo2 · 10/06/2018 08:06

She moved the goalposts, you get to change your mind. "Sorry friend, that's really not my kind of thing, I'll pass. Have a lovely time".

Babynut1 · 10/06/2018 08:09

I often get invited to things that aren’t ‘my thjng’ I have friends who love ghost hunts and mediums and all that sort of thing.
I just say thanks for the invite, it’s really not my type of thing but hope you have a lovely time.

Scrumptiousbears · 10/06/2018 08:10

I imagine it wouldn't be a lot of people's thing to be honest. I agree with texting and saying it's not your thing and have a lovely time.

Pengggwn · 10/06/2018 08:12

I'd say something like, 'I'd love to
celebrate your birthday with you another time and was really up for the spa day, but this really isn't up my street - you probably want people with you who can really get into it!' and then take her out for a drink.

Pengggwn · 10/06/2018 08:12

But I wouldn't say 'really' three times like I did there.

Saucery · 10/06/2018 08:16

I wouldn’t be able to keep the sceptical look off my face for the whole weekend, so I would be honest but not derogatory about her choice - just say it wasn’t for me and wish her a good weekend. I’ve turned down similar from family and friends and no one has taken offence (just not asked me the next time they were going to a psychic night or whatever).

Original poster
TrickyTrickTrick · 10/06/2018 08:18

ok, feel so much better now it appears i would NBU to say I now cant make it. I think i'll message her privately rather than on the group chat though. I was just so nervous as it coming across as me being rude about her beliefs.

so..' Hi Friend, Look, i have to be honest and say that 'new plan' is not really my sort of thing and I'm sure you'll enjoy it much more with people who can really get into it with you. Maybe we can have birthday drinks with X and Y the week after? Thanks for the invite though. :) '

That sound ok?

OP posts:
Saucery · 10/06/2018 08:19

Sounds perfect. I’m sure she will understand.

supersop60 · 10/06/2018 08:22

Good answer OP

FiestaThenSiesta · 10/06/2018 08:23

Yup, just email that “I’m going to need to pass on this one, as I’m quite a sceptic when it comes to these things and I’m sure my inadvertent negative energy would be picked up. Have a lovely birthday weekend.”

Labradoodliedoodoo · 10/06/2018 08:24

Could you shop or what ever while she’s seeing the medium

SunnyCoco · 10/06/2018 08:25

Sounds perfect 👌
Yes message her privately
Well done, these things can be tricky! X

overnightangel · 10/06/2018 08:26

Sounds spot on

CrunchieFriday · 10/06/2018 08:28

Deal with this quickly before she books it and cannot get her money back!

Time to talk to your other friends who said they were going too, I think! Will they be thinking the same as you?

Personally, I'd say that you really like her and want to spend time with her but this retreat is just not your thing. Maybe re-instate the city break or find a less niche retreat as a compromise. Somewhere more mainstream with nice massages and Pilates ?

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