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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I can't get out of this event without being a bitch?

58 replies

TrickyTrickTrick · 10/06/2018 07:35

I have been invited to a friend's 30th birthday. She is not a close friend as such, we've been out for group drinks a few times, chat on the school run, our DC are friends but we are still in the 'getting to know you' phase of new friendship.

The original plan was a weekend away, city break type. Shopping/spa/dinner/drinks etc. I said yes to going (a few of my closer friends are also going), date arranged and plans to book hotel etc going on.

This friend has now changed her mind about what she wants to do and wants to go to a retreat that does 'group healing' and 'mediumship workshops' and other stuff along that line. This is so not my thing its not even funny, i don't even know how i could handle a whole weekend of that sort of stuff.

Obviously to her face I would never say anything, the last time she organised going to a medium thing i was 'busy'. i'm completely happy with the 'each to their own' thing but i would never go to something like that and have no interest in being 'openminded' to something like it. I would normally make sure i was 'busy' for any of these sorts of invites, I don't want to offend people by outright saying 'its a load of hokum, not on your life would you get me there' but that is the truth of my feelings to be honest!

But i have already said yes to her original invite! Is there any way I can back out of this without being a bitch? It's not completely selfish, I am also genuinely worried I will ruin the weekend for her because I cannot take that sort of stuff seriously.

What do I do? Can I get out of this without effectively saying 'i think you're a nutter to believe this stuff?' Or do I have to somehow suck it up for a weekend (and hate every second).

Help!!

OP posts:
TERFragetteCity · 10/06/2018 08:36

Could you shop or what ever while she’s seeing the medium

It is a retreat.

Original poster
TrickyTrickTrick · 10/06/2018 08:41

message sent. wait and see how she takes it now.

OP posts:
HidingFromDD · 10/06/2018 08:42

I've done retreats before (although not medium stuff). It's very much an activity where you need to have an open mind to get the most out of it. Can't think why she thought it would be a good idea for a group activity. My guess is that she wants to go, but it clashes with the weekend trip already planned and she doesn't feel she can just say 'sorry girls, can we make it another weekend as I really want to go to this'. In which case, you could just ask her if she'd prefer changing to a different weekend, might be doing her a favour

Original poster
TrickyTrickTrick · 10/06/2018 08:42

crunchie everyone else has said yes on the group chat already. I'm pretty sure its not a couple of them's cup of tea either but clearly they are happy to go and put on a smile! I'm just not that good an actress!!

OP posts:
FASH84 · 10/06/2018 08:44

Most people who are into that kind of thing recognise that a lot of other people are not. I agree with PPs who did just tell her it's not your cup of tea but you'd love to see her for drinks/lunch etc when she is back.

LaContessaDiPlump · 10/06/2018 08:46

I hope she doesn't view your clearly (politely) expressed scepticism as an opportunity to convert you to the wonders of mediumship op..... it's a good thanks but no thanks message though!

Bibesia · 10/06/2018 08:46

What a seriously gruesome weekend. It's really a bit odd for anyone to inflict something like that on their friends unless they're sure that each of their friends is into that sort of thing.

Loonoon · 10/06/2018 08:46

Excellent response OP.

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 10/06/2018 08:50

Tricky they may well have said yes now but you can be pretty much guaranteed a couple of them will pull out closer to the time, not that that's your problem.

With something like this, that just doesn't hold any appeal for you, I wouldn't worry about saying something like to be honest it's not my cup of tea so I think I'll give this one a miss. How about we get together for lunch/dinner and drinks the following week?.

FriendlyOcelot · 10/06/2018 08:54

Gosh she must be very up her own arse to inflict that kind of thing upon others. Especially in the manner in which she has, ie got everyone on board and changed plans. Your reply sounds perfect op.

Strawberry2017 · 10/06/2018 08:55

2 completely different types of weekends, I suspect your not the only one who doesn't want to go now.
Honesty is best then you aren't constantly having to cover a lie. X

Babdoc · 10/06/2018 09:03

OP, you sound really kind and thoughtful of others’ feelings. But maybe you need to be equally kind to yourself and your own preferences? You shouldn’t need to agonise over this - your opinions are just as valid as hers. Just laugh and say it’s not your thing, but you hope she has a nice time. Offer to join a future trip if it’s more like the original plan.
If you find that difficult, maybe have some assertiveness training, to help you be politely firm without fearing you’re being rude?

Loopytiles · 10/06/2018 09:06

Odd that you fear seeing yourself or others seeing you as “a bitch” to decline an invitation that had changed.

Loopytiles · 10/06/2018 09:07

In your text would cut the bit about being “sure you’ll enjoy it more....” etc, it’s disingenuous. You’re declining because it’s not for you, that’s all the info needed.

Gah81 · 10/06/2018 09:12

Great message, OP - spot on. Hopefully she will understand - this kind of thing really polarises people (it would be my idea of hell).

Original poster
TrickyTrickTrick · 10/06/2018 09:21

phew! She has come back and said its fine! She is going to do the retreat and then do a meal/night out the next day and i will go to that part! looks like i was overthinking a bit!

(and yes, i do tend to overly worry if people will be offended/put out by me not agreeing. its something i'm working on but it's slow progress!)

OP posts:
AnotherShirtRuined · 10/06/2018 09:30

Good result! I'm sure she's well aware that most people do not share her interests and would much rather they were upfront about it but measured as you were in your text to her - than snipe about it behind her back while grudgingly going anyway.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/06/2018 09:31

Good job OP Smile

I used to be the same and ended up doing a bunch of things I wish I’d have the back bone to decline. Or saying no but then loathing myself for being so weak. You can be a good kind friend who also realises that worrying more about what someone else wants than what you want isn’t always sensible. You know she’ll have fun whether or not you go, so the cost to you of going vs the benefit to her of you going would be wrong! Enjoy the drinks.

Original poster
TrickyTrickTrick · 10/06/2018 09:32

she did actually say that she knows it wouldnt be for everyone. The friendship is still rather new which added to my worry!

OP posts:
CocoPuffsInGodMode · 10/06/2018 09:37

Well done! Oh and regarding i do tend to overly worry if people will be offended/put out by me not agreeing. its something i'm working on but it's slow progress! well, practice makes perfect Wink.

Way too many people (well, women, let's be honest) tie themselves up in knots worrying about what will happen if they don't go along with what someone else wants. It took me some time but I've thankfully reached a point where I have no qualms about politely declining invitations or turning down requests that don't suit and the sky hasn't fallen in Smile.

AnotherShirtRuined · 10/06/2018 09:38

If you want to pursue a friendship with this woman I'm certain you will find it much more mutually satisfactory to have set up some respectful boundaries this early on, so well done Smile

FindoGask · 10/06/2018 09:39

Just say "sorry, it's not my thing", and leave it at that! I don't know why that would make you a 'bitch'? It sounds like you don't even really know her all that well if you've just been out for drinks a few times. I wouldn't be spending a weekend with someone on that pretext especially if I didn't want to do any of the activities it involved.

FindoGask · 10/06/2018 09:40

(ah, whoops - should have read whole thread)

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 10/06/2018 09:40

Smile the power of honest respectful conversation!

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 10/06/2018 09:41

Very true AnotherShirt I was thinking as I read the thread that for me the reaction to the declination would dictate whether this stayed as a group/school mum friend or developed into something more solid.