FIL comments about son's DLA

[WWYDNameChange]

First of all, apologies if this doesn't end up in paragraphs, it should have them, but the app always messes them up for me!

DS is 4 and severely Autistic. He's non verbal, doesn't understand language and can be extremely difficult to manage when out and about. We're currently hiring a SEN pram which is costing us a fortune whilst we wait for special twin one to be made (DS2 is almost 2 and also on the pathway)

Anyway. We see PIL maybe 3 times a month by their request. Tbh, the visits are always a bit stressful as FIL seems very unaware and unsympathetic towards his grandson. FWIW his youngest daughter is only 5 and StepMIL is a childminder, so it's not as if he's not used to being around small children or anything.

FIL seems obsessed with money and seems to 'jokingly' go on about what benefits we get. Even though myself and my Husband don't even claim half the stuff we're entitled to because we get by okay.

Now that our son is 4, we decided to apply for Hight Rate Mobility DLA. We spent months doing the form, which is a gruelling process, gathering all types of reports from different people and even sent in a mandatory reconsideration after he was rejected.

This week, the DLA have awarded DS high rate care and high rate mobility until 2031. I honestly sobbed for four hours with relief. This is absolutely life changing for us, we'll be able to order a car that's safe and big enough for the equipment we need to bring with us, as well as cutting down on the costs of taxis and trains (currently can't afford to run a car at all) DS has several appointments a month, all 10 miles away from home. It's currently a 3 hour round trip on the bus, whereas it's 20 minutes in the car. My Mum and Dad help out where they can, often with lifts and emotional support as they can't physically look either DS.

Anyway. DH phoned FIL to tell him the good news, my parents were over the moon for us and understand how hard we worked to get DS what he deserved. FIL's first and only comment was, 'Well my taxes better not be paying for it.'
Is this how people really feel? Is this what everyone will think of us? Will people really feel resentment at a disabled child being entitled to a mobility car to ensure his safety and quality of life?

I feel so hurt. I half want to give him the DLA form and tell him he's lucky his daughter doesn't meet any of the criteria. This was a celebration for us, even if tainted with a bit of sadness that our 4 year old is now officially severely mentally impaired (that's the name of the criteria he falls under for DLA)

We're supposed to be visiting tomorrow, I don't really want to go, but feel like I need to say something? WWYD? Is there any advice? Or is this something we should just get used to?

I’m delighted that you’ve been awarded DLA at the higher rate for care and mobility! No wonder you cried with relief. Those damned form suck all the joy out of the day when it’s time to fill them in yet again. Idiots like your FIL don’t seem to realise that we’d give all the money back (and more) in a heartbeat if it didn’t mean we qualified for them. I’d want to tell him that we had enough crap in our lives, thank you very much, so don’t need any more from him. Thank you and goodbye. Then never tell him anything, ever again.

if it meant we’d didn’t qualify for them o... duh.

I understand. I've just done a mandatory reconsideration for my ds after his dla renewal was turned down. I'm really pleased that your ds is now getting his dla although I'm sorry that he needs it. Please tell me about the buggy you are getting, I have barely left the house in the last 6 months because my 5 year old who has gdd and my 4 year old who has suspected asd have grown out of their mainstream double buggy. 5 year old walks around like a student on "£10 entry and all drinks are free" night at the student union bar. 4 year old has no sense of danger, can run like the wind and likes to chase cars.

@elliejjtiny go on TwinsUk website and give them a call. The ladies there are absolutely fantastic! They recommended a charity for us to go through and provided a quote. We'll be getting a Special Tomato EIO with a buggy pod. When they're a bit older we'll have to upgrade to the Advanced Mobility Double.
Best thing I ever did was make that call! The pram we have on hire is only a single so it means we can't take them out together, I can't wait to get the double!

Don’t forget to check
www.familyfund.org.uk/FAQs/are-we-eligible-to-apply

FIL has quite literally had everything handed to him from his parents whereas he didn't even bother to pay proper child support for DH and his siblings

Say this to him then laugh when he reacts.

You'll need to be ready for dickhead comments as your child grows. Practise on that twat.

And please for the love of jebus, claim everything you're entitled to. You're not doing anyone any favours by not claiming it.

I'm so pleased to hear that your son was given the award and I'm sure it will really help change things in his, and your, day to day life, and that's what DLA & PIP are all about after all.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of nasty, thoughtless people like your FiL around and, though you shouldn't have to, I think it would be wise to limit the number of people who you make aware of the award. People can be so judgmental, even when a disability is massively apparent; it's almost as if they are jealous that someone gets public money. They don't think about the need behind it, nor do they consider just how bloody arduous the application process is.

Thankyou so much, I really miss the little things like taking my boys to the park.

OP the taxes DP and I pay will more than cover your DS's allowances, and I'm very happy for you to have it. But you can tell FIL that I bitterly resent that share of my taxes that go to pay for his use of the NHS or anything else paid for out of general taxation.

Alternatively you can tell him that 'a friend' (ie some random on MN, ie me) has calculated that his share of what you and your DS get is less than 0.002p per year, but that if he wants to give me his address I'll send him a cheque for 5p so that he doesn't feel short changed.

Or then again don't tell him anything, don't go and see him, and leave him to stew.

@TheDevilMadeMeDoIt That made me smile, thank you hahaa
It turns out we're not going tomorrow anyway, DS2 is having a difficult time and it's not worth the added stress.
Not sure how to handle any future visits, I'm so sad for my DS's and DH that their grandad and dad has this shitty attitude

@elliejjtiny more than happy to chat if you want to message me! I know exactly what you mean, we're housebound at the moment too, we used to give one another a break by taking both boys out but we haven't been able to do that in ages! It really does take it's toll. Hopefully the new pram will be here soon 🤞🏻

I just wanted to say thank you for your kind posts. I somehow managed to have two threads going (?) and only got one comment that was a little bit rude. Everyone else has been so supportive and reassuring that I've regularly had tears in my eyes (it's been a VERY emotional week haha)

We officially got the letter through yesterday and went and properly ordered our car. It's like it was made for DS, mood lighting, panoramic window and a tonne of boot space! Also so many amazing safety features that reassure me, being a new driver I was worried about a whole host of things, but this car will even assist me with hill starts!

I just wanted to thank each and every one of you. I'm still not entirely sure how to handle FIL, my family are disgusted with his comments and I think poor DH is still upset, although not surprised as his father has always been strangely jealous of everyone and everything. I just wish I could get it across to him that we'd give up all the money and cars in the world, if it meant our DS would live a happy and easy life. 💐💐💐💖

Brilliant that you have it sorted!

For those struggling with suitable chairs and more importantly the cost have a look at whizz kids. Ds got a chair through them last year when his mc major was no longer suitable and it is great. No way could I have ever saved the £1000 it wokld have cost to buy!

It may also be worth understanding that the Motability Scheme is a car lease scheme like any other. It is self funding, uses no tax payer or government money and is run as a business.

You are paying for that car with your own money.

The fact that some of your money comes from disability benefit is what qualifies you for the scheme but not what pays for it. You could choose to not divert that money to Motability and use it for anything else you like if the car was not useful. You could use any other car lease scheme if you wanted a car that wasn't available through Motability for example.

I have no problem with anyone having state assistance to help with the extra costs of living with disability and I know from experience that it will not be a tenth of what the real life extra costs of dealing with disability actually are.

So congrats on the new wheels, you haven't been given it, it isn't free - you have leased that car with your own money. It will be a big help, use the Motability forums to get to know how the lease system works and plan ahead and put downpayment money aside for renewal time.

I just wanted to say that this is EXACTLY what people's taxes should be paying for, and I am personally very happy for them to go towards wonderful and brave mothers and families like you and yours, doing the best for their children.

Your FIL is a cunt and you should stop seeing him. Definitely don't let him around your beautiful boys.