FIL comments about son's DLA

[WWYDNameChange]

First of all, apologies if this doesn't end up in paragraphs, it should have them, but the app always messes them up for me!

DS is 4 and severely Autistic. He's non verbal, doesn't understand language and can be extremely difficult to manage when out and about. We're currently hiring a SEN pram which is costing us a fortune whilst we wait for special twin one to be made (DS2 is almost 2 and also on the pathway)

Anyway. We see PIL maybe 3 times a month by their request. Tbh, the visits are always a bit stressful as FIL seems very unaware and unsympathetic towards his grandson. FWIW his youngest daughter is only 5 and StepMIL is a childminder, so it's not as if he's not used to being around small children or anything.

FIL seems obsessed with money and seems to 'jokingly' go on about what benefits we get. Even though myself and my Husband don't even claim half the stuff we're entitled to because we get by okay.

Now that our son is 4, we decided to apply for Hight Rate Mobility DLA. We spent months doing the form, which is a gruelling process, gathering all types of reports from different people and even sent in a mandatory reconsideration after he was rejected.

This week, the DLA have awarded DS high rate care and high rate mobility until 2031. I honestly sobbed for four hours with relief. This is absolutely life changing for us, we'll be able to order a car that's safe and big enough for the equipment we need to bring with us, as well as cutting down on the costs of taxis and trains (currently can't afford to run a car at all) DS has several appointments a month, all 10 miles away from home. It's currently a 3 hour round trip on the bus, whereas it's 20 minutes in the car. My Mum and Dad help out where they can, often with lifts and emotional support as they can't physically look either DS.

Anyway. DH phoned FIL to tell him the good news, my parents were over the moon for us and understand how hard we worked to get DS what he deserved. FIL's first and only comment was, 'Well my taxes better not be paying for it.'
Is this how people really feel? Is this what everyone will think of us? Will people really feel resentment at a disabled child being entitled to a mobility car to ensure his safety and quality of life?

I feel so hurt. I half want to give him the DLA form and tell him he's lucky his daughter doesn't meet any of the criteria. This was a celebration for us, even if tainted with a bit of sadness that our 4 year old is now officially severely mentally impaired (that's the name of the criteria he falls under for DLA)

We're supposed to be visiting tomorrow, I don't really want to go, but feel like I need to say something? WWYD? Is there any advice? Or is this something we should just get used to?

As a tax payer I wish more of it went to parents like you.

Keep away from him..you will not change him

Your fil sounds horrible. I also wondered if he’s even a net tax payer.

It’s not free money. You know this.

I recently got my disabled badge for the car. The occupational therapist, who assessed me advised me to get pip as I’ve been really anti trying and only got the badge very reluctantly as my health fluctuates but it’s been on a big down for over a year. She told me it’s not free, I’m entitled to it. Being disabled is expensive and this money would help to pay even just for a tank of petrol (I’d only get the lowest rate).

I’d tell him fucking straight. Plus I’d ask him why he didn’t pay for his own children.
Cut that shitbag right out of your lives. Why hasn’t your DH had a go at him?
Utter cuntbag.

@robindeer I absolutely do feel that way. It's so expensive, we can't go on 'free' days out as they're usually too loud/busy. He won't sit for a picnic in the park, even with reins on its a struggle to keep him safe. Being able to drive means going to his favourite places during school hours when nobody else is around (he doesn't start school till September)
Or going to the big park really early in the morning so we can monitor that gates being closed. People don't realise how isolating it can be, not being able to just gather the kids up and go on a normal family day out.

We run a motability car and dont tell anyone. Its not worth the judgement, the justification, the questions and statements about 'my taxes'. The realities of raising severely disabled children are mostly only understood by other parents in the same boat.
Well done on getting your childs dla - having the right car makes such a huge difference. Be sure to apply for a blue badge too, and let tax credits know.
I'd not tell fil anymore of your financial business OP. Keep it to yourself for your own sanity

OP this is exactly what the welfare system is for, very very few people will think line him and those that do are uninformed, small minded morons. So glad you're getting the help you need now, and it's a shame it had to be such a fight for you. One of my oldest friends has a son in a similar situation to yours and I know the toll it has taken fighting just so he can get the support he needs.

You sound lovely.

Your FIL sounds like a total bastard.

@WWYDNameChange for you. I understand. FB and Instagram images of everyone having a wonderful time are hard to see too. Keep on keeping on x

Basically yourFIL is saying that he would rather keep all his money himself than pay through his taxes to help people who have disabilities. A very selfish attitude I think and I agree that in future say nothing and if he asked just tell him your finances are private c

Ignore naysayers, the more you do the easier it gets.

It is unfortunate he is family but treat him like any other ignorant chump who chooses to inflict their stupidity on you.

Also your time is precious, save it for the people who do love you and want the best for your children. Don't waste it and don't ever question your instinct to protect your child from listening to this sort of nonsense.

Ignore and avoid.

I have a severely autistic nephew who is now a teenager. I couldn’t walk 100 yards in my sister’s shoes, let alone a mile. Anyone who sees what a parent of a child with complex needs has to battle on a daily basis should not begrudge them any of the benefits to which they are entitled (which quite frankly isn’t nearly enough). Your FIL should hang his head in shame. to you and your DH.

Thank you everyone 💐

I'm not entirely sure what to do about tomorrow. I want to make my feelings clear and I don't think doing it via phone or text will quite get the point across. I know when confronted he'll just play it off, he's not capable of arguing his point so he'll either just laugh or mumble awkwardly under his breath and walk off.

We already don't see DH's Mum because she shows zero interest in the boys and his brother lives with her and said he some extremely hurtful things to me after a miscarriage, she ended up protecting his brother and now completely ignores me if we're ever together. (I got all the luck joining this family didn't I?! 😂)

You FiL obviously didn't have a problem with the tax payers paying for the kids he couldn't be arsed to support.

His opinion means nothing. He's a nasty man.

Don't bother with him any more. DH has your parents as positive relationships in his life. FIL is not the sort of person your family should be around.

NO! That is not how people feel about it. A few bigoted idiots might. I'm a higher rate tax payer and I'm delighted to pay taxes that fund disability allowances like that in this good country.
The winter fuel allowance on the other hand for health wealth retirees I do take issue with.

The trouble is you can try to make your feelings clear but you will probably be hitting your head off a wall because someone who makes comments like that is probably so lacking in sympathy and imagination that they will never get it.

If you can make the point and cope with it being rejected (and obviously out of earshot of dc) then give it a go at least once but make a plan for him just not understanding or being willing to try.

If he has other winning character points then maybe you could carry on and just never discuss again, forcibly ignore then change topic if he ever raises finances again.

I have learned the very hard way to avoid utter bastards for my sanity, my concerns for my dc's self esteem finally over rode my politeness and need to try to get along with everyone. It was a relief tbh.

He's an awkward character, everything is said in a jokey kind of way and when called out he just laughs. I went ballistic on him for calling me a snowflake a few months back, there wasn't any reason to call me one, he just thinks it's funny to hate on my generation. DH was furious. FIL has quite literally had everything handed to him from his parents whereas he didn't even bother to pay proper child support for DH and his siblings

Wow, he's a real shithead. Why do you even see him?

I've responded on your other thread.

.....and concession bus and train passes for high wealth pensioners.

(I'm really sorry there's two threads going, no idea why that is! MNHQ might be having a relaxing Saturday because I asked for them to zap one, but they haven't as of yet)

He’s a dick and I’m sorry you’re dealing with him on top of everything else

I agree with your dad to stop telling FIL stuff. Not because you should have to or because you’re doing anything wrong, but because you don’t need to hear his bullshit opinions on it, and that’ll just add to your stress.

It’s fucking hard to get DLA, judging from many posts I’ve seen on here. The fact that your DS has been awarded higher rare for such a long period shows he absolutely needs and deserves it. Anyone with a shred of decency wouldn’t begrudge “their taxes” supporting families like yours.

There are many things that public money is spent on that are questionable. Supporting the family of a child with disabilities is not one of them.

Your FIL is a knob.

Don’t share any details of your finances, especially benefits. I learnt that one quickly

@StrangeLookingParasite I honestly don't know. StepMIL is really good with the boys, because she's a childminder she's had experience with less severe ASD and was able to offer bits of advice and some understanding. FIL just seems to have absolutely no wish to understand anything.

We go so it doesn't feel like DH has just cut his whole family out I guess. He doesn't see his Mum because she's indifferent towards the boys and just completely ignores me. The sibling we're closest to lives in another country and the other siblings are just rude (BIL said some extremely hurtful things after my miscarriage and it was just sort of accepted that that's what he's like)

He's out of order. If this is going to go on and on, I'd be prepared to verbally shut him down permanently tomorrow.