FIL comments about son's DLA

[WWYDNameChange]

First of all, apologies if this doesn't end up in paragraphs, it should have them, but the app always messes them up for me!

DS is 4 and severely Autistic. He's non verbal, doesn't understand language and can be extremely difficult to manage when out and about. We're currently hiring a SEN pram which is costing us a fortune whilst we wait for special twin one to be made (DS2 is almost 2 and also on the pathway)

Anyway. We see PIL maybe 3 times a month by their request. Tbh, the visits are always a bit stressful as FIL seems very unaware and unsympathetic towards his grandson. FWIW his youngest daughter is only 5 and StepMIL is a childminder, so it's not as if he's not used to being around small children or anything.

FIL seems obsessed with money and seems to 'jokingly' go on about what benefits we get. Even though myself and my Husband don't even claim half the stuff we're entitled to because we get by okay.

Now that our son is 4, we decided to apply for Hight Rate Mobility DLA. We spent months doing the form, which is a gruelling process, gathering all types of reports from different people and even sent in a mandatory reconsideration after he was rejected.

This week, the DLA have awarded DS high rate care and high rate mobility until 2031. I honestly sobbed for four hours with relief. This is absolutely life changing for us, we'll be able to order a car that's safe and big enough for the equipment we need to bring with us, as well as cutting down on the costs of taxis and trains (currently can't afford to run a car at all) DS has several appointments a month, all 10 miles away from home. It's currently a 3 hour round trip on the bus, whereas it's 20 minutes in the car. My Mum and Dad help out where they can, often with lifts and emotional support as they can't physically look either DS.

Anyway. DH phoned FIL to tell him the good news, my parents were over the moon for us and understand how hard we worked to get DS what he deserved. FIL's first and only comment was, 'Well my taxes better not be paying for it.'
Is this how people really feel? Is this what everyone will think of us? Will people really feel resentment at a disabled child being entitled to a mobility car to ensure his safety and quality of life?

I feel so hurt. I half want to give him the DLA form and tell him he's lucky his daughter doesn't meet any of the criteria. This was a celebration for us, even if tainted with a bit of sadness that our 4 year old is now officially severely mentally impaired (that's the name of the criteria he falls under for DLA)

We're supposed to be visiting tomorrow, I don't really want to go, but feel like I need to say something? WWYD? Is there any advice? Or is this something we should just get used to?

Even if you say something to him, it sounds like he'll make it into your problem that you cant take a joke or that you are oversensitive. YOu don't need to see him at all, never mind as many times as you are.. 3 times a month is a lot of time to spend with someone who is such a twat. I wouldnt waste my time and if he asks to see you, explain why you won't. How does our DH feel about it? If he already doesnt see his mother, it might be too hard for him to drop his dad too.

Check to see if your local authority has signed up to the max card scheme. It was initially for foster carers, but some areas also have it for children who get DLA.

www.mymaxcard.co.uk/

List of authorities who have it :

www.mymaxcard.co.uk/what-is-max-card

I personally think attempting to personally, verbally shut him down won't work. It's not worked so far.

I think the biggest 'that's enough' you could get over would be to just simply not go.

Remove this poison from your life, it will be like a weight has lifted. That doesn't stop DH from going still if he wants.

I just would totally disengage.

What a horrible thing to say and what a dick! Sadly some people are mean and uninformed arseholes when it comes to disability, but this is his own grandson, he could keep his awful views to himself. I would say just cut him out of your life if that is at all possible.

I am delighted for you! I worked for many years with children with autism and their families and I know how hard it can be in all aspects of family life, with friends, education and in the wider community. Your FIL clearly has no bloody idea and his comments are insensitive, stupid, hurtful and unnecessary, so yes, I think you and your dh should say something. You'll seethe with resentment if you don't.

DD has severe ASD and gets DLA (though we never managed HRM - good on you).

I had all kinds of snide comments from people about help we get. I just don't talk about these things any to anybody other than a need to know basis.

And yes, lots of people do think our children should get the help they do. they just don't say it to our face. DD is a bit older than your DS, so I had a few more years than you in the murky world of SN and whilst some people and friends are lovely, I was pretty shocked by the attitude of others.

I think to some extend the government succeeded in painting a picture of the disabled as a drain on society.

I'm so sorry this has happened, OP. Personally I am delighted my family's taxes go to pay for things like this. It's what they are for. I'm sorry you had such a struggle to be awarded the money that you need to care for your son.

THat is an amazing award. Good for you. I have three autistic sons and keep having to re- apply every few years so awesome for you that you don't. We didn't get a car until my son moved to PIP as it was easier to qualify then but I maintain he has always been eligible. Very unfair system.

I think it is something you will have to get use to. People like your FIL think they are the only ones who pay taxes. If son is getting DLA its because he is entitled to it. Do not let bitter twisted people upset you

I'm so pleased you have DLA sorted, sorry that you need it obviously.
I'd cut fil off completely tbh, he doesn't deserve a family from what you say.

@Katinkka thank you, it was a gruelling process! He'd been on MRC before that. I wrote a letter bullet pointing why he met the criteria for their severe mental impairment element. We also had to send a copy of his EHCP because they need to be in a specialist provision for Mobility if claiming under severe mental impairment category

@missadasmith keep trying! I maintain that we were lucky as it took me longer to do the forms than for the claim to be awarded, even with the extra time for mandatory reconsideration. We had letters from GP's agreeing he qualified under the severe mental impairment.
We found that an Educational Pyscologist assessment really helpful as that assessed him at 8 months of age. He'd first been refused because he's got a lot of physical capability. The letter I wrote really spelled it out to the DLA that this was OBVIOUSLY a problem. Having a child with the mental capacity of an 8 month old whilst the having the strength of a 10 year old definitely meant he needed constant supervision etc

I think you should stop going round and your DH can tell his df exactly why. What a twat. Obviously don’t ever take your ds to see him.

I had similar from my own mum. Apparently I’m ‘lucky’ to be getting pip. ‘Lucky’ to have reasonable adjustments made. ‘Lucky’ And ‘raking it in’ because of the disability money I receive. ‘Lucky’ because I’ll never have to actually it’s be able to work again.

It’s fucking infuriating. Lucky to be permanently disabled- aye right love 🙄🙄

Op I’m sorry you're dealing with this crap. People like that really should be made to walk a mile in the other persons shoes. I’d be going either low or no contact personally

Even though myself and my Husband don't even claim half the stuff we're entitled to because we get by okay.

I don’t get this. In the next paragraph you describe the 3 hour round trip you take because you can’t afford a car.

Pursue what you are entitled to.

It seems like cutting your nose off to spite your face not to!

you’re

I have a child with an advanced life shortening condition. We get support from a local charity on classic. And we receive high rate care/low rate mobility DLA.
I've had the comments, I've had to listen to how lucky we are to get 'free' handouts. (Woo lucky me, I'll be burying my own child - Arseholes!) I bet 100% that your FIL would accept DLA if he could get it for any reason.

Now I don't discuss my finances to anyone, I smile and nod and change the subject. It isn't worth it.

Well done for getting through the forms, they're awful aren't they? I really hope having the correct equipment and the extra finances will take the strain off you a bit.

Obviously the people making these comments are small-minded, arseholes etc. I'm sorry to those who have to listen to these comments constantly on top of everything else they have to go through.

I do wonder in a lot of cases if it's that people are unable to empathise or understand the extent of what be in disabled or having a disabled child means.

They picture their own life, but with no job and more money. Or as pp said they see the DLA as "compensation" which will make the disability "worth it".

The best way to ‘tell him’ how you feel is to stay away.

I have a Motability car and frankly I tell nobody that doesn’t have to know. There are loads of knobs around who make remarks about ‘free cars’. They never seem to consider what has led to the decision makers finding in your favour.

And it’s not a free car. It’s a disability benefit that allows you to use a lease scheme.

I’m delighted you have fought and won this battle. It’s enormously tough. To have the award until 2031 indicates just how severely disabled your son is.

I think I’d walk out next time he’s an obnoxious prick.

tits

OP I would actually have asked your FIL to list the things he would be prepared to spend his taxes on; I expect he wouldn't be able to come up with much of an answer. Absolute bellend. Please never see him again. You sound like an amazing mum

He is an obnoxious idiot, I can't understand why he isn't pleased that you are now getting the financial assistance that you deserve. Would he want to swap places with you? No, of course he wouldn't. Please claim everything you are entitled to, don't tell him anything ever again, and take any help offered you by any decent person.You deserve everything you are awarded.

YABU NOT to,claim all the benefits you’re entitled too