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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My parents keep asking to borrow money.

97 replies

JKCR2017 · 09/06/2018 11:45

Firstly, I am all for helping those in need. But lending money to people is not something I like doing as I’ve never got it back!

My parents keep asking to borrow money off myself and my partner because they are ‘broke’. They’ve been on three holidays in the last year and just booked a £1500 holiday but asked to borrow money to get their car mot’d and new tyres (they knew they needed new tyres for weeks). She always buying my younger sisters extravagnent items yet can never find the money for car repairs, bills etc and it’s really starting to wind me up especially when they repeatedly ask to borrow money off me and my brother! I wouldn’t mind if I got it back but she’s borrowed in the past and hasn’t paid back or took weeks to do so leaving us short.

We are far from well off. I’m a stay at home and my partner works his guts off to make ends meet. We do get some benefits for my disabled son which helps a lot. We are sensible, only spend what we can afford, our mortgage, car costs, bills, food and stuff for the kids come first. My mum will spend above her means every single week spending money that needs to be kept back for other things.

She’s always consistently asking to borrow money off my grandparents etc and she is so tight with her money. The ice cream van cane round to my mums house, DS & DD wanted an ice cream (£4). I had no cash so she paid for them but was demanding the money back so I had to go to the cash machine and get it before going home.

My partner has put his foot down at lending them anymore money because they seem to find it for holidays, eating out, alcohol etc. My stepdad actually earns more than my partner and they really need to get heir finances sorted.

I keep making excuses telling them we are skint (we are a little broke atm due to doing our house up). But I really need to be honest and tell them no but my mum keeps funny saying how they are so broke and can’t afford to eat.

She spend £300 in Asda the other day.. so how broke are they?

She’s borrowed off my brother this week with the promise to pay it back yesterday as he is meant to be going away this weekend. He hasn’t had it back now he is skint with no money!

Advice on how to say no and not cause an argument? 😂

OP posts:

happystory · 09/06/2018 15:08

Also, my parents used to be like this and it began to cause arguments between me and DH. Don't let that happen.

PumpkinPie2016 · 09/06/2018 15:22

I had this for a number of years with my parents - mostly started when I went to uni!! I had a full loan/grant as it was then and worked part time jobs through my GCSE's, A-levels and uni holidays to support myself.

Although my parents weren't rich, they had enough to live comfortably but lived beyond their means and then would plead poverty when it came to bills.

Initially, I did lend money but evetually got to the point where I had really had enough. I never got paid back and just before my final year at uni, I worked all summer to have some money to top my loans up and they borrowed £500 off me (I felt really pressured to lend it) and I never got it back - I might as well have not worked as many hours that summer!

After that, any time they asked I just said 'sorry, I can't' no explanation and I never listened to the promises of it being paid back. They stopped asking eventually.

It's hard but for your own sake you have to start saying no. Don't give explanations just say no!

KinkyAfro · 09/06/2018 15:23

Tell them your savings are gone as you keep lending it to people who don't pay it back

myusernamewastakenbyme · 09/06/2018 16:05

@PumpkinPie2016 thats awful...what is your relationship with your parents like now?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/06/2018 16:09

Not sure if I've missed...

Have these 'loans' ever been repaid??

If not, it's not a loan... They're just sponging money from you... Shameful behavior...

As someone said... Don't Jade...

Also this is a good situation where a little white lying is going to help.... Don't let your parents know that you have ANY money...

It's all spent... We have none... Repeat ad nauseum....

Also I'd calculate how much you've lent them and say... Money is tight... I want us to agree a repayment plan over the 9k we've leant y9u this last x months...

BlueJava · 09/06/2018 16:11

You have to say no - practise out loud in the mirror if necessary! If it causes a row and they won't speak to you then job done for a bit I'd say!

Elspeth12345 · 09/06/2018 16:12

My parents have had to borrow a lot of money from me and I don't get it back so I'm in significant debt because otherwise they couldn't eat.

It does not sound like your parents really need it so I would just keep saying you're skint and will be for the foreseeable future!

PumpkinPie2016 · 09/06/2018 16:25

myuser things are ok now - I distanced myself for a while but see them fairly regularly these days (mostly for the sake of my son as they do adore him).

That said, they only live a mile away and I certainly don't see/talk to them daily so perhaps not as good as it could have been.

lhastingsmua · 09/06/2018 16:31

Just going to have to give a firm no and deal with the fallout- do they owe you money now?

BolleauxtoBankers · 09/06/2018 16:32

PumpkinPie2016 - as the parent of a child who is still at university, I am horrified by your parents' behaviour, it's just wrong and unnatural.

Juells · 09/06/2018 16:56

No explanations for why you can't give her the money. You don't want to, that's reason enough. CF.

CaledonianQueen · 09/06/2018 18:10

Wow, your parents are an absolute disgrace! They put the T in TOXIC!! You need to read Susan Forwards 'Toxic Parents' and 'Toxic In-Laws' books! They are both very helpful and I recommend reading them together with your partner!

Your Mother is financially abusive, a bully and it needs to stop! You have children (one of whom is a disabled child) to feed! She is taking the food from their mouths, the clothes from their backs and their Fathers hard earned money, which was meant to support you and your babies, not two self-absorbed, entitled narcissists!

HuntIdeas · 09/06/2018 18:49

I would get in there first and ask for them to return the money you lent previously as you’re really skint. If they ask about your savings then just say that you’ve already spent them all

Then just tell them that you’re skint when they ask again

RaymondJohnson · 27/09/2019 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

messolini9 · 27/09/2019 20:43

Advice on how to say no and not cause an argument?

At this stage, you need to worry less about whether an argument is caused, & more about getting your point across.

Next time they ask, point out that they earn more than you, you have children to care for who come first, & that despite lending them money in the past you have never seen it back & cannot afford to lose more.

If parents feel like arguing with that, fuck 'em.

bridgetreilly · 27/09/2019 20:48

My mum isn’t the type of person that listens to ‘no’

Short of theft, what else can she do? You say no, you don't give her the money, that's it.

Babysharkisanearworm · 27/09/2019 20:49

Bills.come.before holidays. Thought you would know that by now. No, we will not be lending you any more money. We may reconsider if you pay us back the £xxx you have already borrowed. Please do not ask again..

messolini9 · 27/09/2019 21:09

My mum isn’t the type of person that listens to ‘no’

Then - & I mean this gently & helpfully OP - you need to work on being the type of person who gets heard.
Really, Get soem assertiveness training.
Start here - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/070437269X/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_0/259-2509502-9622713?psc=1&pf_rd_p=e44592b5-e56d-44c2-a4f9-dbdc09b29395&_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_wg=oF7aA&pf_rd_r=NDWZTQBR3W03JEAY1298&pd_rd_i=070437269X&pd_rd_w=ynuvC&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&refRID=NDWZTQBR3W03JEAY1298&pd_rd_r=abc02363-f259-4497-bcfa-79064a05a319

TriciaH87 · 27/09/2019 23:26

I'm sorry but I can't afford to lend you any money because it takes too long to get it back and that's if I do get it back. It leaves us short for our own bills, food shopping school trips etc. I can't do it anymore. If your struggling it might be worth cutting down your holidays or contacting someone that can help get your finances in order.

CSIblonde · 27/09/2019 23:36

You need to say you've gone thru your savings. It just dwindled away with all the outgoings you have as moneys always tight etc.

MatildaTheCat · 27/09/2019 23:38

Tell her you spent all your savings on lottery tickets and were hoping she could bale you out?

Yogobo · 27/09/2019 23:56

They sound similar to my dp's parents but they get money from dp's brother, not from us. They go on a lot of holidays too. Way more than we do. It annoys me even though we aren't the ones giving them the money. Not because I want the things they buy, but the sheer cheek of expecting someone else to pay so you can go on your fifth holiday that year.

Try and say no to your mum and be honest about the reasons why. Your savings are for your family, not to fund your parents next holiday!

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