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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My parents keep asking to borrow money.

97 replies

JKCR2017 · 09/06/2018 11:45

Firstly, I am all for helping those in need. But lending money to people is not something I like doing as I’ve never got it back!

My parents keep asking to borrow money off myself and my partner because they are ‘broke’. They’ve been on three holidays in the last year and just booked a £1500 holiday but asked to borrow money to get their car mot’d and new tyres (they knew they needed new tyres for weeks). She always buying my younger sisters extravagnent items yet can never find the money for car repairs, bills etc and it’s really starting to wind me up especially when they repeatedly ask to borrow money off me and my brother! I wouldn’t mind if I got it back but she’s borrowed in the past and hasn’t paid back or took weeks to do so leaving us short.

We are far from well off. I’m a stay at home and my partner works his guts off to make ends meet. We do get some benefits for my disabled son which helps a lot. We are sensible, only spend what we can afford, our mortgage, car costs, bills, food and stuff for the kids come first. My mum will spend above her means every single week spending money that needs to be kept back for other things.

She’s always consistently asking to borrow money off my grandparents etc and she is so tight with her money. The ice cream van cane round to my mums house, DS & DD wanted an ice cream (£4). I had no cash so she paid for them but was demanding the money back so I had to go to the cash machine and get it before going home.

My partner has put his foot down at lending them anymore money because they seem to find it for holidays, eating out, alcohol etc. My stepdad actually earns more than my partner and they really need to get heir finances sorted.

I keep making excuses telling them we are skint (we are a little broke atm due to doing our house up). But I really need to be honest and tell them no but my mum keeps funny saying how they are so broke and can’t afford to eat.

She spend £300 in Asda the other day.. so how broke are they?

She’s borrowed off my brother this week with the promise to pay it back yesterday as he is meant to be going away this weekend. He hasn’t had it back now he is skint with no money!

Advice on how to say no and not cause an argument? 😂

OP posts:
KC225 · 09/06/2018 12:44

You need one of those american style interventions. Get together with you brother, sister and grandparents and all agree to stop lending/giving them money. It seems like they have more than enough to live on but they live beyond their means and are rubbish at budgeting. Arrange a family meal. At the meal tell them you will help them to budget (loads of online advice) but none of you will be given them anymore money. Give them examples of over extravagance and not paying back loans. Everyone needs to stick to it.

Parky04 · 09/06/2018 12:45

If I was your DH and working very hard only for you to give handouts to your parents I would not be happy. If you were unable to say no to your parents then I would do it for you. If it causes an argument then so be it.

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/06/2018 12:47

Can't you tell her to cancel the holiday? Then she can use that money...

MrsMoastyToasty · 09/06/2018 12:53

Say no, but offer to drop her off at the local CAB for money advice.

MissConductUS · 09/06/2018 12:56

Tell her you're going to do something even better than lend her money and buy her a book on personal financial management.

They are using your desire to avoid an argument to essentially steal from you, and it keeps happening because you keep saying yes.

You need one of those american style interventions.

This isn't done in the UK?

Poptart4 · 09/06/2018 12:58

My DB and SIL are like this. Every single week asking to borrow money, always pleading poverty. But they've plenty of money for drink and weed. I stopped lending them money years ago. I just say no, no excuses.

My other brother and mam keep lending to them and then moan because half the time they don't pay them back. It really pisses me off because my mam & brother are such door mats.

Grow a back bone op. Just say no and keep saying no. If she wants to fight with you that's her problem.

Gemini69 · 09/06/2018 12:58

you need to say NO... and stop explaining why... Flowers

caperberries · 09/06/2018 13:01

If they are short of money for essentials, I wouldn’t be surprised if they have significant debts (credit cards etc) as well...

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/06/2018 13:03

Omg! Your stepdad earns more and you have children and a disabled child. Your mother needs to get her priorities straight. You have to be persistent. Stuck record unfortunately.

Foodylicious · 09/06/2018 13:05

I would probably start with the " haha, you've got to be kidding?! You have just booked a holiday, or have you had to cancel that??Confused"

Then when they say No, they are skint,
Just laugh again and say "can't you hear how ridiculous that sounds?" "How do you get yourself in these states?"

"Mum/Dad we have a budget and we are sticking to it"
"Sorry you will have to find another way to fund xxx"

Maybe buy them the Dave Ramsey money makeover book?

LoniceraJaponica · 09/06/2018 13:16

Could you pre-empt the next request by saying that from now on you will not be able to lend them any more mony, so please don't ask.

Refecti0n0fsky · 09/06/2018 13:20

Their priorities are wrong. They should have some emergency savings to pay for things like car repairs. A holiday is a luxury. They can get a loan or credit card or save up. Tell them your money is all allocated.

bluebell1981 · 09/06/2018 13:27

Parents should never borrow money from their children. That’s just shameful.

My father almost died from a sudden illness, couldn't return to work as a result (low paid job as was my mum), lost the house they'd been so proud of buying just a few years previously, too proud to fight for the benefits he was entitled to so was screwed over with that.
So yes, I've loaned my parents money several times over the years since then. Always get it back. They'd do anything for me, I feel the same in return. So shameful Hmm

Knittedfairies · 09/06/2018 13:27

Just say no - and don’t JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain)

bluebell1981 · 09/06/2018 13:28

First sentence was a quote from an earlier poster - should have been in bold!
OP in your case you need to be assertive and say no, but for others there are circumstances that make it perhaps not so "shameful".

BarefootMe · 09/06/2018 13:39

Just say "No", you cannot/are not going to, lend them money. No need to go into their own finances such as pointing out their expensive habits and purchases etc. - that will only invite further argument and discussion. Just make it clear once and for all that giving them money is not going to happen - you cannot afford it, and that is the end of the matter. Otherwise you will be negotiating each individual time they ask.
Put a stop to it.

3luckystars · 09/06/2018 13:40

Here is the problem,
They are useless with money and spend everything.
They think because you have money saved that you must be rich, because they don’t have money saved and think they can’t affird to save.

They just don’t understand and never will.

Tell your mother that the money is gone and ask her for Money instead. Repeat.

Never ever again tell her that you have money put away, because to them then you are rich.

You have completely different ways of handling money and there is no point trying to explain because they won’t get it.

MouseholeCat · 09/06/2018 13:41

Say "No, we will not lend you money, do not ask us again." Don't apologise, do not offer any excuses. If they push back, tell them that you won't discuss it further.

This is repeat behaviour on their part, the best thing to do is to not engage. Have clear boundaries. If a conflict arises, don't rise to it, just restate your boundaries and walk away: it's them, not you.

There are some great YouTube videos on assertive behaviour if you need something to build your confidence in standing up to people like this.

HollowTalk · 09/06/2018 13:47

Normally I would say that money coming in is family money, but given the only money you receive is for your disabled child (and it would be really wrong to give that away) and your partner is the only person earning, I would say, "Partner says no way. He works hard for his money and you have more than he does coming in. He won't let me do it." She would find it hard to argue with that.

Juells · 09/06/2018 13:47

Hound her for the money back that you've already lent her. I'm always amused at Judge Judy cases (yes, I watch her!) where someone has borrowed money, is being taken to court because they haven't paid it back, and are counter-suing for harassment 🤣 The 'harassment' is the lender phoning for their money back.

CFs brains work differently to everyone else's, they have a huge sense of entitlement. You should lend them the money because they need it for that wonderful thing they want to do. If you don't lend it, it's because you're really mean.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 09/06/2018 14:11

Mum, in the last year alone you have borrowed 6,000 from me and not given it back. We are trying to do up our house at the moment and cannot afford to lose this money from our family budget.

Blah blah blah..

Mum, we haven't been on a holiday in 5 years... we only have our rainy day fund because we haven't spent it.

We get money for DS because he needs it, we can't use it to give it to you.

If we don't keep our rainy day fund, we will go under if something unforeseen comes along. We are not as flush as you seem to think.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 09/06/2018 14:31

A few years ago i was a skint mum working part time on minimum wage...my boyfriend at the time asked to borrow 2k because he had a cash flow problem....he knew i had savings and was shocked when i said no....he was on over 40k at the time...i was probably on 10kConfused

woollyheart · 09/06/2018 14:39

It sounds as if they have learned not to bother saving money for emergencies, because they can rely on other people to cough up. Therefore, they can carelessly spend all cash available on holidays because you can be depended on to provide money for the boring everyday stuff that they can dress up as emergencies.
You know that these are not real emergencies, and are just normal expenses that people have to budget for. But they have to present an emergency in order for you to part with cash, don’t they? Even you aren’t going to hand over cash just because they want another holiday.
Your husband is right, you are being very unreasonable to give money to them when it is to your childrens’ loss.
You can use this situation to make it clear to them that you both have decided that you are no longer going to lend any more money and they need to handle their own finances in future instead of sponging on you. There may be hysterics first time, but after that, you can just say ‘No and you know the reason why’.

LoniceraJaponica · 09/06/2018 14:55

I agree that a straight no is the best, along with "don't ask me again or try and guilt trip me, the answer will always be no"

Onlyoldontheoutside · 09/06/2018 15:02

Say no then ask when they will be paying back what they already owe you.You and your brother need to both do it.