Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My parents keep asking to borrow money.

97 replies

JKCR2017 · 09/06/2018 11:45

Firstly, I am all for helping those in need. But lending money to people is not something I like doing as I’ve never got it back!

My parents keep asking to borrow money off myself and my partner because they are ‘broke’. They’ve been on three holidays in the last year and just booked a £1500 holiday but asked to borrow money to get their car mot’d and new tyres (they knew they needed new tyres for weeks). She always buying my younger sisters extravagnent items yet can never find the money for car repairs, bills etc and it’s really starting to wind me up especially when they repeatedly ask to borrow money off me and my brother! I wouldn’t mind if I got it back but she’s borrowed in the past and hasn’t paid back or took weeks to do so leaving us short.

We are far from well off. I’m a stay at home and my partner works his guts off to make ends meet. We do get some benefits for my disabled son which helps a lot. We are sensible, only spend what we can afford, our mortgage, car costs, bills, food and stuff for the kids come first. My mum will spend above her means every single week spending money that needs to be kept back for other things.

She’s always consistently asking to borrow money off my grandparents etc and she is so tight with her money. The ice cream van cane round to my mums house, DS & DD wanted an ice cream (£4). I had no cash so she paid for them but was demanding the money back so I had to go to the cash machine and get it before going home.

My partner has put his foot down at lending them anymore money because they seem to find it for holidays, eating out, alcohol etc. My stepdad actually earns more than my partner and they really need to get heir finances sorted.

I keep making excuses telling them we are skint (we are a little broke atm due to doing our house up). But I really need to be honest and tell them no but my mum keeps funny saying how they are so broke and can’t afford to eat.

She spend £300 in Asda the other day.. so how broke are they?

She’s borrowed off my brother this week with the promise to pay it back yesterday as he is meant to be going away this weekend. He hasn’t had it back now he is skint with no money!

Advice on how to say no and not cause an argument? 😂

OP posts:
BrownTurkey · 09/06/2018 12:09

Tell your brother too that you are not going to lend any more money.

Just say no and take the flak.

eddielizzard · 09/06/2018 12:10

pull her up on it. ask her how she affords all this other crap? you certainly can't, and you certainly can't afford to subsidise her extravagance.

brace yourself for the fall out, you need to have this argument because it has to stop.

Starlight2345 · 09/06/2018 12:12

I would talk to DB and say you are not doing it and encourage him to do the same otherwise you will feel bad they are taking money from DB.

I would simply say we are not in a position to give money away and you never repay any money loaned so won't be giving you anymore cash.

KurriKurri · 09/06/2018 12:12

When you say 'borrow' does she ever pay it back ?
If not then the simple answer is 'no because you haven;t paid back any of the other money i've lent you'

If she does pay it back, but you don't want to lend any more (fair enough, why should you?) just say no sorry, I haven't got any spare. you say she won;t take 'no' but she can;t get it from your bank account, you have to give it to her - just don't and ignore any whining.
Point out to her that she always has enough money for holiday but never enough to repair car etc. She needs to learn to prioritise, and if she won;t then it's not her problem.

Another answer if she's pushy is to say that your savings are earning interest, if she borrows, you'll expect her to pay interest too - why should you lose that?

Whocansay · 09/06/2018 12:13

Just say no. On repeat.

And tell her that you've already spent the money you had saved, on house repairs or something.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 09/06/2018 12:15

Just keeping say no rinse and repeat every time sge asks. Your DM sounds exactly like my sister she is always asking me or my mum to borrow money and it never gets paid back it’s got to the point where when I got a back pay I told my mum and made her promise that she wouldn’t tell my sister because otherwise she would be after me for money. I’ve waited months to get money back off her only to have her give it back and then ask to borrow it again a few hours later. My sister moved her partner in just for the extra money she would get she constantly complains about how much money her partneres ex wife has and how some of it should be theirs. She only ever thinks about money she is greedy, grabby and enetitled.

MumofBoysx2 · 09/06/2018 12:16

Rather than wait until she asks again I would sit down with her and tell her that you've worked through your budget and are having to make some cutbacks. Say that you've helped in the past, but that unfortunately you can't do it any more. Then offer to help her work through her budget as well, making a savings allowance so that they can actually get their own finances worked out (and factor in paying you back in that budget too!)

Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2018 12:22

It's not selfish to refuse. Your children need that money! What kind of grandparent (speaking as one) is happy to deprive their young grandchildren so that they themselves may have more luxuries? A horrible, unnatural one if you ask me.

Although I never normally advocate untruthfulness, lying about your savings would seem a wise move in this situation.

Robin233 · 09/06/2018 12:22

Think of it like this.
Your money is for your kids.
We helping our sin through uni.
Food parcels etc.
I would never dream of ever asking money from him once he's earning.
They earn more than you.
No more lending. End of.
CF.

Robin233 · 09/06/2018 12:23

SON not sin.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 09/06/2018 12:27

Tell your mother that you and your partner are not prepared to subsidise her lifestyle any more, remind her that she still owes you for money borrowed in the past and ask her why she thinks it is ok for you to pay for her to have several holidays a year when you and your partner cannot afford the same. Tell her that she has her priorities wrong and that she needs to manage her finances better. Then just keep saying NO.

RiskIt4Biscuit · 09/06/2018 12:29

Just say no.
If she asks about the money you have saved, say it has been spent.

In the future, don't tell them about your savings.

PragmaticWench · 09/06/2018 12:30

Stop worrying about causing an argument. If you calmly state your very reasons for not wanting/being able to lend them more money, and they then argue, it will be them causing an argument.

Approach this as you would deal with an unreasonable small child who wants something. Just stay firm, calm and know you are being reasonable. Ignore any tantrums and they'll get the message.

TheFirstMrsDV · 09/06/2018 12:31

Stop worrying about causing an argument.
This is how people like your parents get away with this sort of behaviour.
They know that if they rear up people will back down to avoid a row.

You have to say no. No excuses, you don't need one.
Just NO.
You have a disabled child. You need those savings.

I am not always as assertive as I should be but I am baffled as to how people will get into financial difficulties, put their family's security at risk, rather than stand up to unreasonable requests.

TeatimeForTheSoul · 09/06/2018 12:34

JKCR definitely don’t lend any more. How about chatting to your DB and agreeing whenever they ask, rather than an outright no try offering ‘but we’re happy to sit down with you and help you work out your finances and how to budget for this (and paying back loans)’.
If they’re spending has got out of control they may have hidden debts which they need help to manage. But this help needs to be professional, not you lending money. Others could help with links to organisations but MoneySavingExpert may be a good place to look. If they haven’t got debts providing this info should help them see you are serious about helping them learn to budget, if they have it may help them sort it out.

happypoobum · 09/06/2018 12:35

It appears you have been well trained OP to think you cannot say NO to your parents.

You can and you should. Think of your son and what you could do with all the money she has borrowed and not repaid. Just say no. If she gets upset, so what? If her participation in your life is dependent on your funding her reckless lifestyle then she's not worth the bother, family or not. Flowers

Next time she asks say "No, we have made a decision not to lend anyone money any more." Then repeat repeat repeat.

LauderSyme · 09/06/2018 12:35

I agree with missingstreetlife
I understand you want to avoid an argument - so do I, at almost any cost, but sometimes that price is just too high to pay. It would be better not to make excuses or tell lies because that just basically postpones really addressing the problem.
I'm afraid you'll have to gird your loins and tell your Mum that her approach to money is irresponsible. This wouldn't be any of your business if she didn't feel entitled to keep expecting family to bail her out, but she does, and that is unacceptable.
Point out that she seems to be able to afford expensive holidays and luxury items that you and your dh can't manage to treat yourselves and your child(ren) to.
Tell her your savings are for a rainy day and that she ought to have a similar fund herself to fall back on. Perhaps suggest she starts using one of those apps that helps you track your spending and budget better.
If she kicks off, keep reminding yourself that YANBU - she is! Good luck.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 09/06/2018 12:35

I like the suggestion of telling them you've put your savings in to bonds. That way after the lendme/can't/whynot?/havenone/yoursavings? convo you can say that. They can't argue then.

Coolaschmoola · 09/06/2018 12:35

I told my ILs that we were not going to be paying for them to have a lifestyle that we couldn't afford for ourselves.

That was after we had to go overdrawn to pay high court enforcers, who were terrifying my 18 yo BIL, at their house, whilst they were in fucking Florida!

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 09/06/2018 12:36

This has to stop for two reasons:

  1. They're being CFs to the extreme, when they can afford everything you've detailed.
  1. It's bugging your DP (quite understandably) and you have to respect his feelings. if a woman came on here and said her DP kept doing this for his parents and she didn't like it, she'd be told she had a DP problem.
Dobbythesockelf · 09/06/2018 12:41

My IL's are like this. My dh just put his foot down one day and said no and kept repeating this until they got the message. I will admit they had a huge problem with it but we had our own house etc to pay for. They have since moved onto his sister now she is working. I don't know how they justify taking money off their children but they do. As hard as it is you will just have to take the broken record approach and keep saying no.

Amunamun · 09/06/2018 12:41

This is really sad... If she asks for money again, you can tell her how broke you are and how you can't afford to eat... and ask her if you could borrow some money Grin To be honest, I would start avoiding her.

Iloveacurry · 09/06/2018 12:41

Just say no! They can’t be skint if they go on holiday all the time and can spent £300 in Asda. They’re being CFs. Think of your own family.

ohfortuna · 09/06/2018 12:43

OP you are being a doormat
stop being a doormat

Inertia · 09/06/2018 12:44

She sees you as her personal cashpoint and it won't ever stop until you change the way you respond. Agree with PPs, if she ever mentions your savings tell her they are locked into an account with a long notice period.

I can understand why your partner is pissed off - he's working hard to provide for his partner and children, and to sort out your home, and he sees his inlaws taking the money he's earned for their holidays.

Tell them to cancel the holiday and use the money to sort the car.

You can't keep making your children and partner miss out to avoid an argument with your parents.