I despise my mother in law

[REM19]

Okay, so I actually joined this group just to post this as I wanted some advice off people who aren't emotionally attached to either myself or my partner. We've been together 4 years this year and are really happy - we get married next April and we are expecting our first baby this December. There's one thing which constantly causes arguments in our relationship: his mum.

I moved to where he was from (60 miles away from my home town and family/friends) as he was worried about his mum being alone. We rented an apartment for a year just under a mile away from her house. She is single - split up from her husband (and partner's dad) for over 25 years now and hasn't been with anyone else since. She has no friends and no social life. My partner moving out would hit her hard which I knew. I invited her round every week for Sunday dinner and she would regularly pop in unannounced - I was fine with this as thought it would stop after a few months. It didn't. We then got a dog a few months later and she asked if she could walk them when she finished work. We gave her a key to our apartment so she could. What a mistake that was! She then used to just let herself in whenever she fancied... even coming in one Saturday afternoon when my partner and I were in bed! There was no apology whatsoever.

After a year we decided to buy a house, again, Just round the corner from her so she wasn't alone. She was given keys to the new house so she could continue seeing the dogs. However, a couple of weeks in, I realised things in my bedroom were being moved. I asked her outright if she goes into our bedroom and she said she does - she also says she goes into the second bedroom to clear the clothes dryer and puts my partners clothes away in OUR wardrobe! I asked her not to go into our bedroom and certainly not into our wardrobe and I got back about how ungrateful I am. My partner stayed quiet and said that his mam was just trying to p. It got to a point where if I was off work, she'd just walk in and sit herself down. Something I would never do to her. When we announced our wedding, her response was "I'm certainly not looking forward to it and I won't be going". She has refused to come to our wedding - she has stuck by this decision for almost 2 years and will not change her mind. I am furious as she has broken my partners heart. She refuses to come to any social event, even if it's with her family... She doesn't bother with anyone but thinks it's acceptable to barge into our home whenever she feels like it. I am currently pregnant with our first baby and her first grandchild and she's not at all bothered. She never asks how I am or how we are doing... She just doesn't care. My partner had a big argument with her recently and essentially told her everything that she has done and how it has affected him. He also said how embarrassing it is that she makes no effort with me. Her response "She doesn't like me because she doesn't get her own way with me". I am so angry!! What the hell does that even mean?! She has keys to my house and has been round my house for dinner most weeks. She's been invited every week but she picks and chooses when she can be bothered!

I despise her and wouldn't miss her if I never saw her again. I've never met a woman who I hate as much as her and it upsets me more that she's in my life for good and less than a mile from my house! I don't want to make things awkward for my partner but I don't want to be anywhere near her right now. What can I do? Has anyone experienced anything similar?

Aaaargh!

As others have said, draw a line under this, reset your boundaries.

Change the locks. Make it clear she is no longer allowed to just pop round. You will see her at pre arranged visits at her house or yours, every so often. Unless you decide to go no contact of course but that doesn't sound like what you what you want to do.

Don't bother discussing the wedding or baby with her.

Just maintain a civil, cordial relationship at somewhat of a distance. No more involvement than is really necessary.

60 miles? You're still in the same village.
Change the locks.

She sounds incredibly narcissistic, like everything should revolved around her and anyone who disagrees with her is unreasonable. It's evident she needs boundaries set for her, as she won't set her own.

It also sounds like she's her own worse punishment - she makes herself miserable and alienates herself from others, so perhaps try to remember that and don't let her be your punishment, too.

I would suggest you and your dp sell up and move closer to your family. You are going to want and need them around when the baby comes again.

It sounds as though your mil has nothing holding her to your current town. If she chooses to she could move to your home town too. That way she would still have your dp around but you would have your own family for support so wouldn't have to spend much any time with her.

Always supposing she apologised to you both and makes up with her son, if not then you don't have to see her at all!

anyway, not again!

FFS stop being so 'nice'. Its not getting you anywhere. You are not making anyone happy, and no matter what you do she will never be happy with you. Seriously she has boundary issues. Do you imagine having a grandchild will make this better? No chance. Do you not yet see you are having HER baby. She will virtually live in your house, undermine your confidence as a new mum and do everything she can to cause trouble with your OP. She will try to steal your baby's love and first moments and invegele her way i as she has done qith the dog. You will turn over i bed one night and find her there. PLAN- change locks, put house on market or rent it out, stop BEGGING her to go to wedding. Fuck her and her general fuckiness. I have seen so many posts on here about MIL, but i believe people treat you as you allow them to.

To be honest, if you weren't pregnant my advice would be to split up.

When you marry someone you marry their family - all the more so if you have children - that then become their parents grandchildren.

She doesn't like you and you don't like her. This is a major conflict situation that will destroy your partner's life as he knows it in a fundamental way.

It is a terrible thing when a family get divided because a child marries a person the parents do not like. He should be having a joyful wedding and looking forward to a happy future with his mother and wife getting a long - seeing his mother grow into the joy of having grandchildren. None of that will happen.

It would be better for you to marry someone else who likes you too and would be supportive of you and your relationship with their son. And it would be better for him to marry someone that his mother likes and respects.

It's too late for all of that now because you were pregnant but life is short and there are millions of men in the world. You'd have been much better walking away and finding love elsewhere.

As it is - change the locks and I think you are going to have to bite the bullet and speak directly to her about her coming to the wedding. Do this alone without him there. Be direct and ask her politely if she would come because it will devastate him, life is too short and so on. I know you don't want to but really what a shit situation for your partner.

Since you're sharing a key, you may as well just get new lock barrels & keys rather than just get a new key for your existing lock. If DH isn't happy with her, hasn't spoken to her, isn't contemplating calling her and she's not contacted either of you, I'd be tempted to leave well enough alone. The ball's in her court. Hopefully it'll stay there.

I don't think I'd bring up moving just yet. DH has enough to digest for now with the 'NC' (for now) in his relationship with his mother. I wouldn't put any more pressure on him to change anything else. Yet.

you don't want to fall out with her? Even though you call her the devil? its all a bit odd OP. Sounds like even your partner has had enough. I'd think very carefully before letting your new baby have any relationship with her at all, you're meant to protect your kids!

Well done to you and your dp! I think it sounds as if you are both handling it as well as you can.

This is essentially about boundaries and it interesting how she kicked off when the boundaries were reinforced.

It's not okay to invade your privacy or not even apologise after knowing you don't like it.

I really think some mothers struggle with respecting their child is now an adult.

My MIL has never respected our boundaries and after putting up with it for over 15 years has now found herself essentially cut off from us on very Low contact.

I honestly wish I'd done it years ago when she was constantly manipulating my son and saying nasty things about me.

At least you know what she's like now, before you have your child as frankly she won't/ can't be a positive role model in his/ her life.

Given you work 60 miles away I'd seriously look to move closer to work, and yes change the locks or add a Yale so she can't get in if she has had extra keys cut.

Change the locks and get a dog walker.

It would be better for you to marry someone else who likes you too and would be supportive of you and your relationship with their son. And it would be better for him to marry someone that his mother likes and respects.

Wtf?! It’s absurd to suggest someone should pick their spouse based on whether or not their in-laws like them or not! Plenty of mothers in law just don’t like the daughter in law for EXISTING. Which sounds like the case here. Would it be better if OP’s DH just stayed single forever because his mother can’t accept he is a man who wants a relationship?

Again, I’m finding it really annoying how many people are suggesting OP “just move”. Like that’s so easy when 8 months pregnant and 1 year after going through the whole hassle of buying. The hassle of moving house when heavily pregnant or with a newborn isn’t worth it when she can just change the locks.