I despise my mother in law

[REM19]

Okay, so I actually joined this group just to post this as I wanted some advice off people who aren't emotionally attached to either myself or my partner. We've been together 4 years this year and are really happy - we get married next April and we are expecting our first baby this December. There's one thing which constantly causes arguments in our relationship: his mum.

I moved to where he was from (60 miles away from my home town and family/friends) as he was worried about his mum being alone. We rented an apartment for a year just under a mile away from her house. She is single - split up from her husband (and partner's dad) for over 25 years now and hasn't been with anyone else since. She has no friends and no social life. My partner moving out would hit her hard which I knew. I invited her round every week for Sunday dinner and she would regularly pop in unannounced - I was fine with this as thought it would stop after a few months. It didn't. We then got a dog a few months later and she asked if she could walk them when she finished work. We gave her a key to our apartment so she could. What a mistake that was! She then used to just let herself in whenever she fancied... even coming in one Saturday afternoon when my partner and I were in bed! There was no apology whatsoever.

After a year we decided to buy a house, again, Just round the corner from her so she wasn't alone. She was given keys to the new house so she could continue seeing the dogs. However, a couple of weeks in, I realised things in my bedroom were being moved. I asked her outright if she goes into our bedroom and she said she does - she also says she goes into the second bedroom to clear the clothes dryer and puts my partners clothes away in OUR wardrobe! I asked her not to go into our bedroom and certainly not into our wardrobe and I got back about how ungrateful I am. My partner stayed quiet and said that his mam was just trying to p. It got to a point where if I was off work, she'd just walk in and sit herself down. Something I would never do to her. When we announced our wedding, her response was "I'm certainly not looking forward to it and I won't be going". She has refused to come to our wedding - she has stuck by this decision for almost 2 years and will not change her mind. I am furious as she has broken my partners heart. She refuses to come to any social event, even if it's with her family... She doesn't bother with anyone but thinks it's acceptable to barge into our home whenever she feels like it. I am currently pregnant with our first baby and her first grandchild and she's not at all bothered. She never asks how I am or how we are doing... She just doesn't care. My partner had a big argument with her recently and essentially told her everything that she has done and how it has affected him. He also said how embarrassing it is that she makes no effort with me. Her response "She doesn't like me because she doesn't get her own way with me". I am so angry!! What the hell does that even mean?! She has keys to my house and has been round my house for dinner most weeks. She's been invited every week but she picks and chooses when she can be bothered!

I despise her and wouldn't miss her if I never saw her again. I've never met a woman who I hate as much as her and it upsets me more that she's in my life for good and less than a mile from my house! I don't want to make things awkward for my partner but I don't want to be anywhere near her right now. What can I do? Has anyone experienced anything similar?

Aaaargh!

ChorleyFMcominginyourears

Sounds scarily like my MIL! It boggles the mind that these women can pretend to love their sons and act like they want to be close to them, then do such outrageous and hurtful things as not coming to their weddings etc. Thankfully we are NC but it’s obviously not always that easy!

To other PPs, I also don’t think suggesting OP moves - she bought a house only a year ago and is about to have a baby, not good timing at all. Absolutely change the locks and I don’t understand at all why, if she is already saying she won’t attend the wedding, you or DP are spending time with her? It’s just so disrespectful of your relationship and shows such a poor attitude towards you.

You've stolen her man. I've got one just like that. She's far more passive aggressive but never misses an opportunity to be crappy, especially when she gives me gifts, which are terribly outing because they're legendarily awful in my circles, including oven cleaner for one Birthday and I can say that was one of the better ones. I hate to break it to you but they get worse as they get older. We've been married 23 years!

I really feel for you.
Known my mil 24 years now.
I've tried everything over the years. Nothing works.
Very limited contact now.
I lost my mum young so really wanted this to work.
But you have so much going for you so don't let this spoil it for you.
The advise given here is excellent- change locks , hire dog walker.
But then the guilt hits you.

So to deal with you need to put in your most upbeat persona and focused on all the really good stuff in my life.
In your case:
A wedding (she will be there ...)
You're marrying the love of your life. Your amazing baby to come. Your lovely home with your soon to be hubby. Your dogs. Your job/health/friends etc
If MIL wants to be negative and childish , that's her choice. It's is NOT your, or your DP job to make MIL happy.
She has the same choices as the rest of us.
I know it's sad she's on her own....but that's not your fault.
You couldn't have been nicer to her. Good luck x

Move. Move. Move.
Put your house on the market sell and rent back home, buy something there when the time is right.

I started reading this thinking "another mil bashing story", but you have every reason to. You have gone out of your way to incorporate her, you moved 60 miles so DP wouldn't leave her alone, she has got access to your home and abuses her access. When I read she said she wasn't coming to your wedding, I was angry for you!

So glad DP is backing you up, you don't need this being pregnant.

You most definitely are not being unreasonable. Good luck op.

moving is the only solution

You need to move back to your friends and family, you'll need support with a new family.
I'd never give anyone a key to our house as I like my privacy, I have no idea what possessed you in the first place.
Walk your dogs and get the keys back, or better still change the locks in case she took a copy.

Don't bother asking for keys back, she'll have copies made first.

Change the locks. Plan to move somewhere else when possible.
She'll only get worse when baby arrives. Do not include her in any plans for wedding, baby showers etc. She finds out AFTER baby is born, so no opportunity to spoil your labour, cause trouble etc, and it's not like she cares anyway.

Give 100% less fucks about the miserable baggage. If DP wants to see her he goes with out you and she is not invited to your home. Baby us obviously off the table, people who don't respect you have no business being around your child.

Be strong OP.

What has happened since the argument with your DP? Did anything change?

Realistically other than Going no contact what would you like to happen? From what you’ve said I don’t think anything other than changing the locks will work as the ‘look mil you can come round to walk the dogs and for lunch on Sunday and keep the hell out of my bedroom’ conversation just isn’t going to work. I would agree with a pp that she may Well be depressed.

My MIL is similar to this. Thankfully we live a long way from her, but she expects my DH to be able to solve all her problems. She's always telephoned far too much, though this has very much improved. There are extenuating circumstances, though, in that her DH (my FIL) was killed in a car crash 8 months after we got married. She was in a terrible state for a long time, she used to threaten to throw herself under a car. And although she's in a better place, she's still very dependent on my DH emotionally. (Less so on my BIL because he has better boundaries.)

I don't hate my MIL, though that's because she lives a long way from us and she is well meaning at heart. And she does love her DGDs (they love her too), though she sometimes forgets they're in the room and talks to my DH about things that wouldn't be of any interest to them at all, and she has no filter, isn't at all aware that some conversations are not appropriate in front of children.

But in your situation, you really must find a way to set boundaries with your MIL. For starters, make sure you either take the key off her, or change the locks. If you don't take action now, sooner or later you'll say something unforgivable that you won't be able to take back. We all have a breaking point.

I would say that she has an unhealthy relationship with your partner and has never let go of him.
So of course she hates you because you are "taking her baby away from her". Of course she will come into your home and do stuff because it's "for her son" and actually it makes perfect sense why she's not interested in your pregnancy or baby either, because it's just another way to take her baby's attention away from her and focus it elsewhere.

She is a very unhealthy person to have in your relationship.
You absolutely need to get your keys back, and I think you absolutely need to move away from her - because I wouldn't have her back in my home unattended ever again. I'm not sure I'd have her back at any price, to be honest, but I expect that would be a step too far for your partner - something to work towards though.

Make no mistake, she doesn't want anyone else to be part of her son's life - she wants to be number one all the time with him.

Wow. Thank you all so much for your responses! With regards to why I gave her a key to our new house: I don't want to argue with her and make my partner feel awkward. I have texted her on numerous occasions and asked her not to do certain things. I appreciate her seeing to the dogs but she is crossing a boundary. It's only recently she has become so possessive. She texted my partner saying that apparently I have never liked her?? I moved 1 mile away from her and gave her keys to my home!

I'm not a nasty person at all - I am a secondary school teacher and work full time. I even got a job down where I'm from (60 miles away!) And do that commute every day so I could try and see my family on an evening. But it became too much alongside part time tutoring jobs and a part time MA course. I don't want to argue with her - she's going to be in my life and she's going to be the grandma to my children. I think that's why I've prolonged this for so long. I completely get what you are all saying and in hindsight, I should have nipped this in the bud a long time ago.

Since my partner has argued with her, the two haven't spoken. I deleted her number so I'm not tempted to text her (I'm so angry with her!)

The only event she goes to is people's funerals (?!) ... My partner said to her "why do you go to a funeral but not a wedding or birthday party?" She said "it's called having respect for the dead " he then replied with "where's your respect for the living when you can't be arsed with the people around you though?"... her reply, "look, I'm too old for this. We used to be so close and what a shame she has got in the way of that". She is delusional!

She's 63 and retired just 2 months ago - she therefore has a lot of time on her hands and no one else around but my partner.

My partner said he wanted the key back but doesn't actually want to see her yet as he's so angry with her. We hired a dog walker who has his key so now my partner and I are sharing a key until we can get another one cut! I didn't think of her having another one cut but she probably will- changing the locks is probably the only answer.

I think the bottom line is, I've let her in because I want a relationship with her. For our sakes, for the sake of our child and of course my partner. I don't hate anyone - I deal with teenagers all day every day and get on with them all perfectly. Yet my mother in law can't seem to respect my boundaries? It makes me really upset that I feel I've done so much for her and this is how I'm treated. I just feel at a bit of a loss!

It's such a shame as my partner and I get on so well unless she is mentioned or she turns up. She's the devil!

Let it go.
You've tried, you've got nowhere, she doesn't want you in her life, or in her son's life.
He DOES want you in his life, and obviously your baby, and he's really angry that she's being this way.

This level of toxicity does not a good grandma make - and no grandma is far better than a shit one, for your child.

Your DP has to take the lead on this. If he doesn't want to talk to her, then that's it - let him decide. You've done all the running you need to, now it's down to him. You don't need to try and make anything up to her, you don't need to keep trying to forge a relationship with her because it will not work.

Up to him.

You may want a relationship with her but she doesn't want one with you. I'm sorry to be blunt its not going to happen. I also wanted to a friendly with my MIL. At least a mutual respect as I am sure all the DIL's on here. I don't see my MIL as a rival. I am a wife, he coukd have other wives but he will only get one mother but that doesn't appear to be enough. And it seems the same for you. Her son and her argue and she blames you for coming in between them.

The best you can hope for is a civil truce and that she doesn't take her dislike of you on the grandchildren. Use this quiet time to establish some boundaries.

It does sound as if she is depressed. Such a negative attitude for only 63. My friend is 63 and has booked Rag and Bone Man tichets for her and her young neice. We are going on a chocolate tempering course next week. Could a sibling or a family member talk to her about depression or getting out more.

Agree with change the locks and then if I were you I would back right off
She will always see you as competion
If your partner wants to see her he can go to her place. Keep her out of your home

OP I don’t think you are heeding the signs and signals and I really feel for you because I’ve been in a similar position. At some point you need to accept that she doesn’t like you, for reasons that are not related to you as a person but to what you represent in relation to her son. And you need to accept that there will be nothing you can do to change that, so the best thing is to say “no” and stop trying. Otherwise you will end up emotionally exhausted and it will cause serious marital discord.

Yep new locks, it's only the barrel and there's you tube videos showing you how.
If she wants to come for Sunday lunch she can ask (and dp can cook...)

Depression is no respecter of age and will strike youth just as harshly. Her being 63 is completely irrelevant. She may be depressed, but imo more likely she's just too possessive of her son and regards all other women in his life as her rivals - she'll do this with your dcs if they're girls too. Doting grandmas aren't made like this.

If I were you, I'd start considering moving closer to work now. Your huge commute is not going to help you be wife and mother, and you're going to need your own social circle around you in the coming months when you're exhausted and sleep deprived and your baby keeps crying and your dp keeps getting dragged off to do some made up job or other at his mum's.......

Move out of her sphere of influence. If he wants a relationship with her then he can go and see her after work when he's close by, like you currently have to with your parents.

take your keys back, and be thankful she doesnt want to be involved with baby, otherwise imagine how that would play out...you and your partner are not responsible for her social life or lack thereof. She sounds awful and will only get worse once you have a child as she will not longer be the centre of her sons world

As others have said, stop using her for dog sitting. She has a reason to have access to your house and this will only get worse once a baby is around. My friend had a nap with her newborn, and woke up to find MIL tip toeing across the bedroom and lifting the sleeping baby from her crib … She'd let herself in as she had decided she wanted to see DGC. Be warned, she may not be showing much interest now, but you will be back on here upset because she's let herself in yet again and demanding time with her DGC. I had this sort of issue with my MIL (who isn't nasty but is odd) and you need to put a stop to it so she knows you won't have it.

Change the locks and make alternative arrangements for the dogs. Plus your partner needs to grow a pair and stand up to her as well.

jeepers OP... I agree with everyone ... Change the locks and consider moving soon... you really don't need this 'bitter bored wee lady' crap

Bolt the door from the inside when you're at home so she has to ring the bell first.

You’ve effectively run around opening all your doors and windows to you & dh’s lives, inviting her in through every way you can... and expecting that she will respect you and Dh and all normal social conventions just because... just because she should.

But you’ve seen over and over again, that she doesn’t use all these open doors and windows and gates and chimneys to reach you in lovely nice healthy ways... and because you’ve opened yourselves up willy nilly, you’ve left it up to her to decide how to use the power you’ve given her.

And you seem perpetually shocked and hurt that she isn’t behaving nicely and she uses the power you’ve given her for bad, not good.

So, you can continue to leave all your defences down and everything open to her (in a way you wouldn’t do for anyone else). And you can carry on being hurt and upset and powerless to protect yourselves when she uses that freedom to hurt you.

OR you can take steps to realign your own behaviour to put your defenders back up again. If you believe you, dp and your relationship are worth protecting from harm that is? And that your baby deserves to be born into a family which has safe and appropriate boundaries against harmful influences?

It’s not an evil thing to put your defences back up you know. It’s not actually normal to have your metaphorical doors, windows, chimney stacks and gates wide open! It’s a very passive and overly trusting way to live when you give all the power to get to you to someone who’s proved repeatedly she will behave badly and can’t be trusted. You can’t be surprised when you give her the power to invade your boundaries, and she does so, again and again. You can’t keep vaguely hoping she’ll change whilst doing nothing to make things change. She won’t magically get less dysfunctional and more supportive just because you want her to.

So, mark out your boundaries and enforce them properly again. And ignore the screeches...

Mil responded "She doesn't like me because she doesn't get her own way with me". I am so angry!! What the hell does that even mean?!

I suspect it means that, at least so far, she's had the whip hand of you and knows it. Two home choices have been made with her in mind, two sets of keys/continued access given despite knowing what she's like, and now your DP has spoken out she's gone no speaks and doubtless blames you for the whole thing

I wouldn't pander to someone like this by begging her to come to the wedding, or anything else come to that; the response I'd give (and have) is "we're sorry to hear that but of course it's your decision"

The good news is that your DP's ready to take action too, so as everyone else has said, change the locks, leave it to her to make the next contact and start looking for another home