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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I despise my mother in law

87 replies

REM19 · 09/06/2018 10:55

Okay, so I actually joined this group just to post this as I wanted some advice off people who aren't emotionally attached to either myself or my partner. We've been together 4 years this year and are really happy - we get married next April and we are expecting our first baby this December. There's one thing which constantly causes arguments in our relationship: his mum.

I moved to where he was from (60 miles away from my home town and family/friends) as he was worried about his mum being alone. We rented an apartment for a year just under a mile away from her house. She is single - split up from her husband (and partner's dad) for over 25 years now and hasn't been with anyone else since. She has no friends and no social life. My partner moving out would hit her hard which I knew. I invited her round every week for Sunday dinner and she would regularly pop in unannounced - I was fine with this as thought it would stop after a few months. It didn't. We then got a dog a few months later and she asked if she could walk them when she finished work. We gave her a key to our apartment so she could. What a mistake that was! She then used to just let herself in whenever she fancied... even coming in one Saturday afternoon when my partner and I were in bed! There was no apology whatsoever.

After a year we decided to buy a house, again, Just round the corner from her so she wasn't alone. She was given keys to the new house so she could continue seeing the dogs. However, a couple of weeks in, I realised things in my bedroom were being moved. I asked her outright if she goes into our bedroom and she said she does - she also says she goes into the second bedroom to clear the clothes dryer and puts my partners clothes away in OUR wardrobe! I asked her not to go into our bedroom and certainly not into our wardrobe and I got back about how ungrateful I am. My partner stayed quiet and said that his mam was just trying to p. It got to a point where if I was off work, she'd just walk in and sit herself down. Something I would never do to her. When we announced our wedding, her response was "I'm certainly not looking forward to it and I won't be going". She has refused to come to our wedding - she has stuck by this decision for almost 2 years and will not change her mind. I am furious as she has broken my partners heart. She refuses to come to any social event, even if it's with her family... She doesn't bother with anyone but thinks it's acceptable to barge into our home whenever she feels like it. I am currently pregnant with our first baby and her first grandchild and she's not at all bothered. She never asks how I am or how we are doing... She just doesn't care. My partner had a big argument with her recently and essentially told her everything that she has done and how it has affected him. He also said how embarrassing it is that she makes no effort with me. Her response "She doesn't like me because she doesn't get her own way with me". I am so angry!! What the hell does that even mean?! She has keys to my house and has been round my house for dinner most weeks. She's been invited every week but she picks and chooses when she can be bothered!

I despise her and wouldn't miss her if I never saw her again. I've never met a woman who I hate as much as her and it upsets me more that she's in my life for good and less than a mile from my house! I don't want to make things awkward for my partner but I don't want to be anywhere near her right now. What can I do? Has anyone experienced anything similar?

Aaaargh!

OP posts:

BiscayTrafalgarFitzroy · 09/06/2018 11:43

Get your keys back from her now! Why have you not done this already!?

Jux · 09/06/2018 11:43

Change the locks and DO !NOT GIVE HER KEYS.

Move again to somewhere near your old home and your friends. She can visit you there once a month like many grandparents do.

Get out get out gett out.

Gemini69 · 09/06/2018 11:43

why does your Partner say nothing ?

diddl · 09/06/2018 11:44

Are there any other reasons that you live where you do?

She doesn't care about the wedding or the baby-then your partner needs to stop caring about her-or at least stop considering her so much.

He's going to be desperate to try to create a bond between her & the baby whilst you will be glad of a reason for there not to be one!

Would she really care if he moved away or is it him trying to create something that isn't there?

MarthasGinYard · 09/06/2018 11:45

'We then got a dog a few months later and she asked if she could walk them when she finished work. We gave her a key to our apartment so she could.'

Are you sure this wasn't suggested by your Dp

Also he needs to grow a pair and sort all of the issues.

SabineUndine · 09/06/2018 11:49

I think in her mind she sees her son as her consort. Essentially you are in the way. Your OH needs to put her straight.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/06/2018 11:50

Gemini69

From the OP'
My partner had a big argument with her recently and essentially told her everything that she has done and how it has affected him. He also said how embarrassing it is that she makes no effort with me.

So no its not a 'DP problem'

rogueone · 09/06/2018 11:56

It’s time for you and your OH to agree on the way forward. If it was me it would be removed of key or change the locks as the boundaries are skewed. Stop inviting her round for Sunday lunch. Don’t bother talking about the wedding and accept she isn’t coming and make a decision if staying where you are is the best thing for you both and your baby.

byanyothernamerose · 09/06/2018 11:57

Change the locks...

welshmist · 09/06/2018 12:05

I think you need to move away, my friend had this problem her partner got into debt for his Mother, took them years to get out of it. They moved away. He is free to visit his Mother but over the years that has dropped to the odd visit a couple of times a year. You do need to change the locks and find an alternative dog walker in the meantime.

eddielizzard · 09/06/2018 12:06

change the locks and stop inviting her round. then she'll understand who's been getting her way...

category12 · 09/06/2018 12:06

Change the locks, walk the dog yourselves.

Whocansay · 09/06/2018 12:09

I'd treat her as she treats you. Stop the invitations for dinner and change the locks asap.

I would move if you can. She will be no help when the baby arrives. She may ignore you or try and take over. I would move back to where you will get support. She clearly has no intention of developing a good relationship with you.

ISpeakJive · 09/06/2018 12:13

Why the hell did you give her keys to your new house again when you knew what she was like?

SandAndSea · 09/06/2018 12:14

Another one saying to change the locks. Make it impossible for her to get in.

I would look at moving away - preferably not so far that she has to come and stay though.

The thing about YOU liking your way is pretty classic. People like her like to accuse their targets of what they do / their traits. Try not to take it on. It might help to google narcissism and grey rock.

You will need to be straight with her. She's probably using your politeness against you.

MarthasGinYard · 09/06/2018 12:14

'Why the hell did you give her keys to your new house again when you knew what she was like?'

This is what I also don't understand

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 09/06/2018 12:16

Don't get me started with Mum's 🙄😂been with my husband 12 years this summer, given her 3 grandchildren and i still get referred to as 'her' she won't talk to me at all and refused to come to our wedding 10 years ago. The only thing I'm guilty of is 'taking her son off her' she loved me when we first got together, used to brag about me to her friends and family as I had a career and dh exes didn't have jobs etc but the second we moved in together she changed and I've not been good enough since! I don't have anything to do with her now as she won't come to our house anyway and leave dh and dc's to visit her while I stay home and pamper myself! So Fyi it not forced to ever get any better, sorry op

GlitteryPineapples · 09/06/2018 12:16

I can almost guarantee once the baby is here she will be letting herself in every day and won't let you have any family time just the three of you. Change the locks now, don't even bother asking for the key back because realistically she's going to throw a tantrum. Just change the locks and if she asks why then tell her, at least that way she can't talk you out of it first. Or move, very far away.

redexpat · 09/06/2018 12:17

I think both your dp and his mum need to realise that he is not responsible for her happiness.

Sparkletastic · 09/06/2018 12:24

Short term - get the keys back and pay for dog minders.
Long term - move away.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/06/2018 12:26

This is another enmeshed relationship, where boundaries have become so blurred that your mil2b believes in some way that your fiancé is her husband and partner. Afterall, he’s been serving that purpose in a way for 25 years. She absolutely thinks you’ve stolen him from her.

I would change the locks. Even if she returns the keys, she will get one cut first. If she doesn’t come to you wedding, that will be her loss and she will be the one looking like a fool. Good on your dp for recognising this.

KC225 · 09/06/2018 12:26

My MIL is obsessed with my DH. She is not really interested in the kids at all. She lives 20 minutes away, she last saw them 3 and a half weeks ago on their 11th birthday because she was invited to their birthday tea. Yet she invites DH round all the time, so she can a catch up. She refused to come to any school shows/activities even though she drives. She babysat 3 times last year and didn't she go on about it. She phones my DH every day. She knows his days off etc. I am someone who she loathes. She sees me as stealing her son.

As others have said, change the locks, get a dog walker. Stop inviting her round for Sunday dinner - she is using the will I/won't I attend to control you. Do not mention the wedding or share any plans with her. If she refuses to go then she doesn't get and new info. Keep the invitation open - she will turn up last minute to 'show face' and to unerve you. What are her siblings/cousins/family like? Are they a bit more endearing?

Rudgie47 · 09/06/2018 12:35

I think if I were you I'd have a break from my partner and MIL for a week or so and get him to sort it all out with her. He needs to change the locks and tell her to stop being a pain. If hes not prepared to put his foot down with her then I wouldnt be coming back.
Its his mother not yours and he should be supporting you.

Fluffyears · 09/06/2018 12:38

Change the locks and arrange your wedding without her, once you stop asking her She loses all power.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 09/06/2018 12:43

Just wondering why you gave her the keys to your home for a second time when you bought your house. She may walk the dog, but that benefit is far out weighed by her lack of any understanding as to as and when it is appropriate to call in, which should never be unannounced. Get the keys back and employ a dog walker she needs to respect your boundaries.

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