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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be furious with DS

57 replies

theluckiest · 09/06/2018 10:33

This is a ridiculous sibling tiff and I've had enough...

DS1 (11) and DS(8) generally get on brilliantly. They both do a sport where DS1 has responsibility for helping younger ones.

Last nights session, DS2 was being a bit silly and made a silly comment about his brother to another little one. DS1 was livid - he felt embarrassed and I can see why he was cross but he completely overreacted. Stomping about, chucking things...full on preteen strop.

Put it down to tiredness, hormones, embarrassment...DS2 apologised & both went to bed.

This morning all seemed calm. DS2 quiet but DS1 much happier. Dropped DS1 at sports class this am and asked DS2 if he was ok. Apparently, DS1 told him this morning that he wished he was dead Sad

I'm fucking furious. I'm going to pick up DS1 shortly. What should I say to him?

OP posts:
YoucancallmeVal · 09/06/2018 10:36

That it's not a nice thing to say and he shouldn't say it again. No need to be fucking furious.

Singlenotsingle · 09/06/2018 10:38

Just tell him ds2 was very hurt by what he said, and he needs to apologise. How would he feel if someone said that to him?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/06/2018 10:39

It’s not nice and it’s awful to hear your children have hurt each other but it’s not the end of the world either or worth kicking off about. Get him to apologise and then draw a line.

Amatullah · 09/06/2018 10:39

That its an awful thing to say, how would he feel if thats the last thing be said to his db and something happened. Please apologise to him and think about how you can hurt people with your words.

Hes said it in anger and he probably knows he shouldnt have said it.

Italiangreyhound · 09/06/2018 10:41

Talk to him calmly. He does not really mean it but he needs to know how hurtful that comment was. He needs to learn to control this rage

Try and help ds1 to find things he can do to control it himself. Add that the stomping about was way more embarrassing for everyone than the comment.

Talk to ds2 as well. He must be very upset but he needs to know at 11 his brother is massively over invested in how others see him (like almost everyone is until they got to about 30!) And life will be easier if he can keep the smack talk to home!

Hiphopopotamus · 09/06/2018 10:42

So you’re furious at DS1 when he upsets his brother, but you think he totally overreacted when his brother upset him?

SoddingUnicorns · 09/06/2018 10:42

He shouldn’t have said it, of course he shouldn’t. But it’s on a par with what DS2 did, showing DS1 up in front of people he’s supposed to be helping.

Neither of them covered themselves in glory, both need to learn to control their tongue.

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 09/06/2018 10:42

If they normally get on well I wouldn't turn it into too big a thing - If DS1 feels even more embarrassed it can only fester and cause issues. Just say to him 'I know you were frustrated and upset and that it was because DS2 was rude to you yesterday. I've already spoken to him about that and he knows it wasn't acceptable. But saying you wish someone dead is a terrible thing to say - if you really thought about it you wouldn't ever wish for something like that. Now apologise to your brother and we will put this whole thing behind us'.

Glumglowworm · 09/06/2018 10:46

Calm down. It won’t be the last mean thing either of them says to the other.

DS1 needs to apologise to his brother and then you all move on with your lives.

Agree that it’s odd that you’re furious with DS1 for upsetting DS2 but you thought DS1 was overreacting with DS2 upset him.

WittyJack · 09/06/2018 10:50

Honestly? I think you may be rather lucky in how well they normally get on. I know lots of people, including my own DB and I at that age, who fell out regularly and said much worse.

Your DS1 shouldn't have said that, esp after an apology. He must have been really embarrassed (probably partly by the comment and partly by his own reaction!). So definitely talk to him about over reacting; it being a horrid thing to say; how much he upset his brother etc. But I wouldn't be furious, I'd be firm.

(And buckle your seatbelt as both sons' hormones kick in over the next few years -gin may help you Wink)

SoddingUnicorns · 09/06/2018 10:51

Agree that it’s odd that you’re furious with DS1 for upsetting DS2 but you thought DS1 was overreacting with DS2 upset him

Could he have felt unsupported last night? I wondered that initially.

WittyJack · 09/06/2018 10:51

(What myotherusername suggests you say looks good to me!)

Branleuse · 09/06/2018 10:51

I think count yourself lucky that they normally get on brilliantly.
No need to overreact about a spiteful comment as a one off.

Usernameunknown2 · 09/06/2018 10:54

How about you asking him what he said and why, let him tell you. For all you know ds2 could have kept winding him up behind your back.

It isn't a nice thing to say but it is very like a teen. I think its unfair you dismiss ds2s actions while being so upset about ds1s. You need to talk to ds2 after.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/06/2018 10:54

Kids say shit they don't actually mean. Don't get over-excited or you will wear yourself out.

AtSea1979 · 09/06/2018 10:55

Agree, you are over reacting to DS1. Can DS2 do any wrong?

KurriKurri · 09/06/2018 10:58

Obviously it was not a nice tihng to say - but children often say things like that as a means to try and express how upset they are - sounds as if DS1 feels no oneis really getting how his brother showed him up.

Having to do an activity where he is to some extent supervising his little brother is a hard situation for a child to handle - akin to a teacher having to teach their own child - most teachers avoid it !
His brother will know just how to push his buttons, DS1 must constantly worry his brother will show him up - and last night proved his fears correct. Yes he over reacted, but he's 11, it happens.

I think as others do yo are minimising what DS2 did and putting all the blame on his brother. DS2 is 8 - that's not a little one, that is quite old enough to know how to behave, and he need toknow he doesn't under any cirumstances act up in fornt of his brother to show off in front of other kids, or he won't be allowed to go to the activity.

I think you should tell DS1 his words were unacceptable and get him to apologise for saying that to his brother. But also speak to DS2 and say that his words obviously upset his brother very much, and how he is feeling now because of what his brother said is probably similar to how his brother felt last night.

Might be time to find them separate activities so they both blossom away from each other.

LilMadAgain · 09/06/2018 10:58

Kids! When I was ten I was about to have a tonsillectomy and my sixteen year old brother said he hoped I didn't wake from the anesthetic, my sister joined in with that (cue much hysteria from me before the op lol). Siblings often say and do awful things op, don't be furious, be calm and make sure you tell him how you expect him to treat not only his little brother but all people.

negomi90 · 09/06/2018 11:11

DS2 wound him up.
DS1 had a tantrum because he didn't feel listened to and felt that you were invalidating his feelings and not taking them seriously. The tantrum was his way of saying how upset he was and you still didn't listen. (It wasn't an appropriate or good way of talking, but it sounds as if it was the only way he had a hope of getting you to listen).
He then got in trouble. He apologised because you made him.
The feelings from the original incident are still festering and his mean comment to DS2 is his way of lashing out at the person he feels started it all.

You need to talk to them both about being nice. You also need to have a chat to DS1 about how what DS2 did wasn't nice, what you are going to do to stop DS2 doing it again, and then bring in alternative suggestions for DS1 to deal with his feelings (such as deep breaths and the promise that if asks to talk to you quietly, you will listen and take him seriously in future).

This is all surmising that your 8 year old is telling the truth (its his word against your 11 year old, and you admit he's capable of winding up big brother on purpose).
It he said, he said. You don't know if DS1 said it, or if DS2 said something equally bad first.

Don't go in heavy with your eldest. Talk. Listen.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/06/2018 11:18

While this isn't pleasant to hear or know about, it's not abnormal either. Don't blow it out of all proportion - it's one of those things that siblings say to each other. They don't really mean it!

My 2 boys are 5 years apart and sometimes go through phases like this, especially when DS2 is being particularly whiny and obnoxious - but the 10yo is able to understand that he doesn't actually want his brother to die, even if he sometimes feels like he does. So that's where we go with the conversation - I ask him how he would feel if he no longer had a little brother, if something happened to him - that usually brings him round.

But you may need to acknowledge his hormonal feelings more as well - DS1 is already entering puberty and is having some seriously hormonal and irrational upsets at the moment.

kaitlinktm · 09/06/2018 11:19

Yes - agree with pp, it's amazing how even now in my 60s I can remember how awful and embarrassing my younger brother often was in front of my friends - and I was just expected to put up with it. OK they told him off in a mild sort of way, but it was always that he was only young (less that 2 years younger than me in fact) and it was mischievous rather than spiteful - er ... no it wasn't.

I tried very hard not to make the same mistakes with my dc - but I did notice that my then H (himself a younger sibling) erred on the side of favouring the younger one and telling the older to suck it up.

DS2 should be under no illusions that if he shows up his brother again there will be consequences he won't like (such as not doing the activity).

butlerswharf · 09/06/2018 11:25

It's a childish thing to say. But it was said by a child so I wouldn't get that upset by it. I doubt he meant it literally.

Jux · 09/06/2018 11:33

Please don't over react and turn this into a bigg thing between them. Just tell ds1 that it's a horrid thing to say but you know he didn't mean it. Tell ds2 that you know ds1 didn't mean it. Then leave them to sort it out themselves - they get on, so they will sort it.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/06/2018 11:37

What @butlerswharf said. I wouldn't go ballistic, he was trying to make a point, just tell both boys, this is where it ends, anymore and there will be consequences.

Witchend · 09/06/2018 11:37

If dd1 is in a position of responsibility over ds2 and his friends then you need to clamp down hard on any negative comments from ds2.
It doesn't take much for it to turn into "we don't have to do as you say because you're only dd2's brother."

I would (and have in a similar situation) be very clear to ds2 that if there's can moments like that he will be the one who is leaving the group.

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