To be furious with DS

[theluckiest]

This is a ridiculous sibling tiff and I've had enough...

DS1 (11) and DS(8) generally get on brilliantly. They both do a sport where DS1 has responsibility for helping younger ones.

Last nights session, DS2 was being a bit silly and made a silly comment about his brother to another little one. DS1 was livid - he felt embarrassed and I can see why he was cross but he completely overreacted. Stomping about, chucking things...full on preteen strop.

Put it down to tiredness, hormones, embarrassment...DS2 apologised & both went to bed.

This morning all seemed calm. DS2 quiet but DS1 much happier. Dropped DS1 at sports class this am and asked DS2 if he was ok. Apparently, DS1 told him this morning that he wished he was dead

I'm fucking furious. I'm going to pick up DS1 shortly. What should I say to him?

I'm sure you will, but do be aware of both their feelings, make sure it's not one-sided. I'm an older sibling, and I remember vividly being deliberately "wound up" and teased by my younger brother. If I ever teased him he'd run crying to mum and dad and I'd be punished, but if he did it to me, he'd either keep doing it until I lashed out, or if I did tell, I'd often hear:
"Just don't listen when he's being so silly."
"You're big, he's little." A mere 18 months littler.
"Don't react, and he won't do it."
"Stop telling tales."
"Don't be so fucking sensitive." I quote.
"Stop bickering you two." Addressed to both of us, when it should have been him only.

So I often felt backed into a corner. Until I left home I was simmeringly resentful towards him. (When my parents got us to list good and bad things about a holiday, I wasn't allowed to list him.) There were certainly times when I wished he was dead; I only said so once, with predictable consequences.

Well that's stressful too. He's under a bit of pressure, they don't like to say they need you (and it's easy to prioritise the young one) but they do in a different way.
It is ok for him to feel and think unpleasant things. He can be helped to speak more assertively, when you do this i feel that, I am angry because. Etc. But don't assume he doesn't mean it, suppressing those feelings makes us feel worse and more, maybe actually violent.
Mindfulness teaches to acknowledge the feeling and let it pass

Not only was DS1 embarrassed but his position of responsibility was undermined and he will be aware that it will be more difficult in future to get the respect of the younger boys - at that age they take any opportunity to taunt etc. So there may be longer term ramifications from DS2s “silliness “ which if you are honest, will have been motivated by his desire to increase his own importance at his brother’s expense.

It was a nasty thing to say but DS2 was also nasty.
Try not to get involved with it- they'll sort it in their own time and at that age, it's likely they'll forget about it quickly

don’t think that showing your brother up in front of your friends when he’s in a position of responsibility is “silliness” though.

He's deliberately undermined his older brother - who will find it harder to control and gain respect and get listen to in future because of this with this group.

I think your DS1 was looking for a hard hitting way to convey his disgust with his younger sibling’s actions so he knows it wasn’t okay and he won’t do it again. I think if you don’t talk to DS2 and just talk to DS1 – you risk your eldest feeling undermined and your youngest thinking he did nothing wrong causing more problems going forward.

Talk to them both tell DS2 his undermining of his bother wasn't on and talk to DS1 how you'd think he could convey is anger with DS2 better in future.

No, you're absolutely right, DS2 was rude and disrespectful. DH & I did tell him off & he apologised to DS1 for his behaviour.

Thanks again all.

Perhaps your younger one did some more winding up of his brother?

" DS1 loves his brother really "-which is the important thing.

You then add" However annoying he may sometimes be!"

Perhaps he needs to learn to reign it in-especially in certain situations?

How much should the older one put up with from the younger?